| Oh dear, there was Clay again, going out onto that runway, getting close to those right at it's edges. He received teddy bears and flowers...even a cane! (He had hurt his foot at some point). I so wanted to be there! I wanted to be at the foot of that runway. I wanted to be the one to give him a flower or a teddy bear...I wondered how he would have felt getting a flower from a BOY, seeing that same sparkle that he has seen many times before in his adoring girls...in another boy, one with a go-tee and nearly 40 to boot!. It crossed my mind that perhaps if I fainted, they might take me to where ever they take passed-out fans to recover, and maybe Clay would then visit with them...and me. -- Oh my....I'm carrying on like a little teenager....well, I never acted like this when I WAS a teenager!!!!! -- I thought of how I would feel so frail and so...in love. I thought of Clay singing me a song Acappella right there in that room, perhaps even holding my hand. What song would he sing? Maybe he'd ask me which song I would like him to sing for me. "I Will Carry You" would be my choice, it would sound so good acappella and his lovely voice feeling the room....I would be so crying! After that maybe he'd even hug me, hold me in a long embrace. I wondered if Clay had ever seen a boy in love with him? Well, I did not faint and it's back to reality.
There was Clay, still at the foot of the runway. If I knew it would make it, I may have hurled my Tour program over to the stage, but that would have proved a futile move and a waste of money. Now to be truthful, part of what I decided to do was to be an act...I felt I had to make a statement for Clay Aiken in my very own way -- no it was not going to be some maniac move! I am not stupid...crazy in love, maybe but surely not stupid. Maybe I would feign fainting and they might take me to wherever they took passed-out fans, and maybe I could meet Clay - DID I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS? Just what the hell I was doing that night, I still cannot figure out. Call it a Clay Aiken Attack. Last thing I needed was to be some crazed fanatic....I was far from being that. I knew I was going to put on a little act! I just felt I had to do it as a way of saying that I "loved" Clay Aiken. As Clay launched into Journey's 1983 hit "Open Arms", I decided to do my thing. I made like I had to go to the bathroom and began threading my way through the row of occupied chairs. I reached the stairs and I turned back toward the stage, my adrenaline was pumping and my emotions were welling. Was I crossing some forbidden threshold? I went up a flight or two and looked back again. Though I wanted to pretend to be faint, I did feel emotional. That dark side was getting the better of me. I reached to top of the stairs and turned to look at the monitor before I would start into the corridor toward the concession area, I was feeling a bit out of breath. I turned to face the corridor but I did not move. I caught the eye of a short lady security guard who came to see if I was okay. When she got to my side, it was no longer a game.... In a part act and part real, I issued a breathy "Help Me, I'm scared" and the rest was simply and emotional take over, unplanned and unintended: I burst into a full scale bawl. I dropped into sitting position while holding the railing at the top of the stairs and wailed aloud in anguish and confusion. Both my crush and my gloomy feelings were finding expression, one part in longing for Clay as he would come hold me and the other part just plain confused... oh this was bad!!! I could hear the lady pleading "whats wrong, what happened" along with Clay's beautiful voice. I only held out my hand and she held it while I continued crying. It felt nice to feel that human touch when she had held my hand. I told her I felt like I was going to push my way out into the crowd to get to the stage. - Now this was not true. Though I did want to be at the foot of that stage where Clay was, there was no way in the world I would have pulled THAT! I made it up when I told her that I came upstairs because I felt that I might do that, because I did not really know what to say. I looked up to see Clay's beautiful face on the monitor and my wailing intensified as I started to shake. "Do you want to go outside?" I heard her ask but I could not answer. "Wait right here...." I thought I heard her say. Naturally, she had to go get the perimedic. My stormy emotions had subsided by the time the lady got back with the perimedic. I told the him I thought I may have had a panic attack (I've had those before) but I was okay. He asked if I had been drinking, if I felt faint or sick. I did not understand what he meant by "look, if you're denying being sick I'll have to let you go" was I going to get put out? Well anyway I assured him I was not sick but that I think I just had a panic attack or got a little claustiphobic but that I felt better. Just as the perimedic was leaving, Clay started into "When I Need You", a hit from 1976 by Leo Sayer. "Ooooh, my mother loves this song!!" I told the lady. She asked if I was going to be alright and if I can go back to my seat and I said I would be. I then confided to her: "I'm in love with Clay!" and she was all "Oh that's so sweet", she was understanding and compassionate. Oh boy, here I was a grown-ass man (to quote Justin Timberlake) nearly forty with a beard telling her I'm in love with Clay Aiken like some young teenaged girl might have done and she was nice about it not once saying something condenscending or that I should be liking a girl - I have rehashed this memory imagining her saying something like, "Oh dear, you should be liking Kelly Clarkson! Wait until she comes on, you'll love her!". "Are you going to be okay" she asked again, "Yes, I just could not help it when I saw Clay on that runway with all those people, I wanted to be able to give him a teddy bear..." |
© 2004 clayaikensboy