Six Pillars of the Home of Valor  

Without courage, it is impossible to practice any other virtue consistently.

Parenting and spousing requires courage.

Courage is a word we tend to use to describe rescues and battlefield exploits. Joshua, as he stewed over the seemingly insurmountable challenge of felling Jericho was exhorted by God to "be strong and courageous." The fireman who dashes into a burning, falling building to snatch a sleeping baby from death is celebrated for his courage and bravery. We can understand courage in these terms.

Is home a place of courage? Am I in my right mind suggesting that we bake chocolate chip cookies with courage? That we wrap and open Christmas presents with courage? Does it require courage to check out a library book, to put on a bandage, to scold an errant child?

Does a husband need courage to kiss his wife, to collect the mail? Does a wife summon a well of brave energy when she joins her mate at the movies, when she saves him a seat at church? Aren't these all rather mundane things, hardly heroic in nature?

Maybe we don't value courage because all the really heroic things have already been accomplished. We've put a man on the moon, climbed Mt. Everest, flown non-stop around the world; long ago someone swam the English Channel. And even the heroic acts of faith have been done. Elijah called down fire from heaven, Moses parted the Red Sea, the saints of the New Testament church prayed Peter out of jail. Are there any Jerichos left for us modern day believers? Thinking we don't have courageous things to do, we occupy ourselves merely with thoughts of being courageous - sort of Walter Mitties of the hearth.

If we think that way, we have missed the point. For example, Jericho represented all that was wrong with the world. That society had turned evil and against everything that God and the people of Israel stood for. For Israel to thrive in its new home, courageous acts would be required to establish the proper conditions. That was then, this is now. The Jerichos of our time are not walled cities. The Jerichos our families face are the cultural norms, situational ethics, and deteriorating standards of society. (cf. Judges 21.25) Just like Jericho, these are not offensive forces. Rather, their existence represents the erosion of principled living. For us to survive in the home of the family, courageous acts will be required to fend off the "civilization" that draws us away form the purposes and blessings of God.

[We are] at a moment of history in which the family is the object of numerous forces that seek to destroy it or in some way to deform it, and [we are] aware that the well-being of society and her own good are intimately tied to the good of the family.       Pope John Paul II

If we would look at the problems facing our families in scientific rather than sociological terms, we would say that entropy is destroying the family. Entropy is the tendency of all matter to move in the direction of disorganization, of chaos. Does your family life seem chaotic? Do you recall the cure for chaos? To resist total disintegration, more energy must be infused into the system than the natural force of entropy is sucking out. In other words, you have to go through that stack of mail and papers or it will overcome your living room. Unswept cobwebs will not disappear on their own. If you don't discipline yourself to vacuum the floors with some regularity your home will become indistinguishable from the thicket at the end of the street.

The Home of Valor

If chaos is encroaching upon the cleanliness of our house, it is encroaching upon the values in the hearts of our children, as well. Science, sociology, and scripture all advise us that we must devote our energies to maintaining the integrity of our family systems. And now we are back to courage. It does take courage to bake cookies for those grubby faces soon to arrive from school instead of you, yourself, taking a well deserved break. It does take courage to talk to your children about honesty and respect, knowing that your children have seen you stumble and show less than respect; to be less than Abe-Lincoln-honest. Yes, it does take courage to admit a transgression to your spouse, not quite sure if there is a sufficient fund of forgiveness built up since the last time.

Homes that will survive and thrive are homes whose members are inclined to courageous acts of forgiveness, respect, sharing, and indeed, sacrifice. These are the energies that not only shield the home from chaos, but bring excellence into our and our children's lives. I call such a place where courage is applied to daily living a Home of Valor. Valor being the "strength of mind or spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness." A Home of Valor is one in which the members are committed to courageous interaction with each other and with the world. A Home of Valor, we shall see, is the only kind of home God had in mind when, with all wisdom, He instituted it in the Garden of Eden.

Civilization varies with the family, and the family with civilization. Its highest and most complete realization is found where enlightened Christianity prevails; where woman is exalted to her true and lofty place with the man; where the husband and wife are one in honor, influence, and affection, and where the children are a common bond of care love. This is the idea of a perfect family.

Cultural restoration, like charity, begins at home.  Russell Kirk

Six Pillars of the Home of Valor

As I think about this subject, I think very visually, dynamically, about the home. I think about the structure of a house which requires strong load-bearing columns and beams to provide proper shelter for the occupants. If you have ever built or remodeled a house, you have encountered those noble "load-bearing" walls which must treated with appropriate veneration lest the whole structure falls. They are called columns, poles, buttresses, beams; I call them Pillars.                        
                       
We refer to the great, upstanding, always supportive leaders in our society as Pillars of the Community. Those who go through great difficulty with dignity are dubbed Pillars of Strength. And so it is that I arrive at the Six Pillars of the Home of Valor. With much prayer, study, and observation I have identified Six Pillars which give substance to my Home of Valor. They are Intimacy, Parenting, Resolve, Providence, Haven, and Faith . Let us venerate and care for these Pillars, lest the residents - our families - be ravaged by the elements, or worse yet, crushed by the forces weighing down upon us.
                       
Constructing the Home of Valor
                       
I will refer to the Pillars also as causes from which certain desirable effects arise. In a structure, the pillar supports the roof at a distance above the foundation so that there is space between the two for the inhabitants. Likewise, the Pillars of our Home of Valor support the roof above the foundation and provide room inside for the activities of the home. We can imagine a roof lying right on a foundation, silly as it is, but we cannot imagine any usefulness of such structure. Our Pillars provide for us the space we need to function as a family.
                       
The first Pillar, Intimacy, introduces us to the idea of cause and effect. We note how God says, "For this cause..." This is very important to understanding the full value of Pillars. Just as pillars (cause) hold up the roof and support the walls (effect), so two, the Pillars of our Home of Valor are causes for effects that are essential to a healthy world.
                       
Starting from the Ground Up
                       
The "foundation" upon which these Pillars rest is Christian Love. As the Apostle Paul cautions, we should not build our Pillars before the Foundation is set. In the Home of Valor the foundation can be nothing other than Love.

Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.  Pope John Paul II

[The family] is, and ought to become, a communion and community of persons, the family finds in love the source and the constant impetus for welcoming, respecting and promoting each one of its members in his or her lofty dignity as a person, that is, as a living image of God. Pope John Paul II

Love can only be known from the actions it prompts.  W. E. Vine

This last quote by the great Bible lexicographer, W. E. Vine, is an important one to remember, if not memorize! Love is the not the emotion that draws us into family relationships. Love is the principle of action that maintains family relationships. Throughout this book, the actions that are recommended to build and maintain our Pillars are dependent upon love to be accomplished. Love makes Intimacy desirable. Love makes Parenting pleasant. Love makes Resolve a reality. Love makes Providence a joy-filled relationship with God. Love makes Haven possible. Love makes Faith a priority.

Topping Off the Home of Valor

In the arid Southwest of the United States, every drop of rain is a precious gift from God. When I was only seven or eight, I was fascinated by the system of gutters on the rural ranch house of one of my uncles. Every rare drop that fell on his roof was directed into a holding tank for drinking water. My uncle would strongly agree that water from "the windows of heaven" was an incalculable blessing. Similarly, the "roof" of our Home of Valor represents the culmination of building a Home based on God's plan and God's all-sufficient blessing of our lives and our Home. As we consider the importance of God's blessing on our attempts to build Home that honors Him, we joyful remember the hymn, "Showers of blessing, showers of blessing we need. Mercy drops round us are falling, but for the showers we plead."

Foundation, Pillars, and Roof then comprise the structure of our Home. As families differ, so will be the way we furnish and decorate our Home. The core of the structure, however, is basic to all successful Home structures.

Without the Pillars of the Home of Valor

I don't know where or when the problem set in, but I am chronically afflicted by the fear of paying retail for anything. There are virtually no lengths I won't go to to catch a sale or clip a coupon. Recently a convenience store I pass by had cases of soda for sale. On some of the cases, there was an additional "dollar off" coupon. Guess where those cases were? That's right, from the mid-point of the stack on down. Now, I'm a fair enough science student that I knew I could probably peel out one case from the corner without tumbling the whole stack. I did just that and happily left with my (cheaper) purchase. A couple days later I noticed the sale was still on and the stack was still there (with one case conspicuously missing in the middle of one corner.) I had a real dilemma on my hands. What were the chances that I could remove one more case without causing myself certain embarrassment?

After a quick calculation and no small amount of "Gee-I-hope-this- works", I removed another case a couple of layers down. Now that stack was really sagging! I went into the store, made my purchase, and pulled away - without ever taking my eyes off that stack of soda pop cases. How it never fell is beyond me.

Our homes are a lot like those soda cases. To stand up against the forces prevailing against it, there must adequate and solid support. If we start losing (or taking) chunks out of our Pillars, at the very best we will have sagging structures. At the worst, we'll see in our own lives the tragedy that has befallen the families where the Pillars have been undermined. In the discussion of each Pillar, I will suggest symptoms that indicate a family or a society lacks the benefit of a Pillar. Understanding the problems that can develop will help motivate us to ensure the strength of our Pillars.

Building the Pillars

The real goal of this book is to enable you to build a Home a Valor. I hope to include some plans for construction and a picture of what the Home can and should look like. Perhaps most importantly, I want to give you a list of building materials. Even the Three Little Pigs (of Big Bad Wolf fame) can tell us the importance of the stuff we use to make our homes. Please pay special attention these building materials.

Now if any man builds upon the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each man's work will become evident; for the day will show it, because it is to be revealed with fire; and the fire itself will test the quality of each man's work. If any man's work which he has built upon it remains, he shall receive a reward. I Corinthians 3:12-14

The Apostle Paul suggests that you use only the most precious materials to build your Pillars. I agree. Gold, and silver, and precious stones are more expensive to obtain (and obtaining them will take courage), but considering blessing and benefit of having a Home that can withstand a disaster, can we shrink from such an investment? How long your Home lasts and how well it serves your needs is directly related to the quality of your building materials.

Patching the Pillars

Like any dwelling, our Home of Valor will occasionally require some maintenance. Pillars can develop cracks; sometimes they are flawed from the beginning. But usually we can patch these problems. Without repair, the Home of Valor is subject to the raw, cruel elements of life. Nothing can destroy a Home as quickly as neglect. Consider carefully where the cracks are in your Pillars and determine now to not let them decay any further.

Just as we patch concrete with more concrete or fill a hole in wood with wood putty, what we use to repair our Pillars will be very closely related to the original material. But, I will warn you here, there are two crucial Pillars for which there is no patching, no repair. Our only hope in that situation is to diligently protect the Pillar from original damage.

Practical Aids

Every Home of Valor is going to be unique because God loves and blesses our individuality. Without compromising the uniqueness of your situation and your family, I am going to suggest that you work through some activities that will guide you in the construction of your Home of Valor. You'll want to assess the strength of your Six Pillars so I will include an assessment called the Pillar Strength Test at then end of each section. There I will also recommend things to do (besides Patching the Pillar) to maintain strength. I am also including several Homework Activities for each Pillar. These activities set the tone for recognizing and celebrating the purpose of each Pillar in your Home of Valor. Finally, because I believe this book has the power to heal and to help, I am suggesting some Small Group Activities. What better gift could you give your family and the families around you than to commit together to build a community of Homes of Valor? Work through these Small Group Activities and watch the Lord bless others as He is blessing you.

Finally, just before discussing each Pillar, I want you to prepare to participate in thinking through each subject with me. I will suggest a Pre- reading Activity for each Pillar which I hope you will at least think through, if not do. If you use Six Pillars in a group setting, let all the participants do the activity and come prepared to discuss this first.

May God bless you with courage as you set out to build your Home of Valor.

Section One: Pillar of Intimacy

Pre-reading Activity: Collecting the evidence:        

Find at least three references to marriage from a source of our popular culture (e.g. television, movies, magazines, newspapers, songs).   Write down the quote or lyrics or clip the article and file for reference as you go through this chapter.

Considering the evidence:

Do these references to marriage affirm or challenge your personal views of marriage?
Do these references accurately reflect society's view of marriage?
Do these references reflect a biblical view of marriage?

Pillar Of Intimacy

What is the place and purpose of sex? God intends, as the story of Eve's creation from Adam shows, that the 'one flesh' experience should be an expression and heightening of the partner's sense that, being given to each other, they now belong together, each needing the other for completion and wholeness.  What is basic is the enriching of their relationship itself through their repeated 'knowing' of each other as persons who belong to each other exclusively and without reserve.  J.I Packer

By Intimacy I mean the full range of gender-based attraction and interaction between a man and a woman which naturally culminates in sexual intercourse; the cleaving together into one flesh of man and woman. The saddest comment on the state of human affairs is that we must blush at this thought. The first commandment from God to man, the first words to enter the ears of man were, "Be fruitful and multiply." Sadly, this function is more commonly the subject of bathroom humor than the object of praise to God.
                       
But worse than the coarse use of the idea, the act of sex (and, really, the full range of human intimacy) has lost its proper role in society. Today, sexual intercourse is seen a means of personal expression, fulfillment, or conquest. By the expressions "getting to first base," "we've moved to the next level in our relationship," and "going all the way," we discover that sex has come to be some sort of technical benchmark of human interaction. Was intimacy designed to be a kind of interpersonal barometer by which we human animals would know when we were as close to another person as possible?                        
                       
I think that just the opposite is true. Let's look at the Bible verse that speaks most forcefully about this subject.

For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2.24

                       
Cause and Effect
                       
"For this cause." Do you ever ask your Bible questions? Let's try this one: "What cause?"
                       
Genesis 2 is the beautiful story of the creation of man and woman. These were not just two human beings intended for life-long companionship, but two human beings created from one flesh for becoming one flesh! Intimacy was God's primary purpose in creating man and woman as distinct genders. So the cause, as stated in Genesis 2.24 is the desire for physical intimacy perfected in sexual intercourse. But let's not stop there; let's ask our Bible the obvious question - "What is the intended effect?"
                       
Intimacy's First Effect
                       
Look at our verse again. Man is to leave the household of his youth, his mother and father, and set up a new household with his own wife. The desire for sexual intimacy is the cause; the first effect of Intimacy is marriage.                        
In an importantly practical way, marriage organizes society. The consequences  of marriage are fundamental to our concept of society and civilization. And  if that is true, the very health and status of marriage itself defines the  health and status of society.

The heart of family life is marriage, the key organizing principle behind  all civilization. . . .  The U. S. Supreme Court declared in 1885 that any prospective state had to have law resting on 'the basis of the idea of the family, as consisting in and springing from the union for life of one man and one woman in the holy estate of matrimony; the sure foundation of all that is stable and noble in our civilization, the best guaranty of that reverent morality which is the source of all beneficent progress in social and political improvement" (Murphy v. Ramsey).  Robert Knight
                                                                                              
Let marriage be held in honor among all.  Hebrews 13:4a

Weigh these statements carefully. Do you agree? More than saying that (some concept of) "family" is the core of society, we see here that marriage, defined and ordained by God, is the one specific thing that infuses a sense of order, propriety, morality, and "beneficent progress" to the world in which we find ourselves. Giving credit to this concept requires responding to the notion of marriage with dignity and doctrinality. We should treat it as the holy and inviolable institution which it is - for the sake of our present and future civilization!
                       
So indeed, rather than sex being the consummation (the end point) of relations between a man and a woman, sexual desires are to be the impetus for true intimacy - a life of monogamous love and enrichment between a man and a woman.
                       
Americans are waiting longer to get married. The Census Bureau reports today that the average age of newlyweds is higher than ever. By comparison, in 1956, men married when they were about 22 and a half, to about age 20 for women. But now that's changed, with the typical age for a first marriage for men at nearly 27 years old, and 24-and-a-half for women tying the knot for the first time

The majority of adolescents (70-80%) are sexually active. . . and initiate this activity. . . on average eight years before marriage.

In our short-circuited world, intercourse has become its own cause and effect. Sex has evolved from a rite of passage into a right of passage. Whereas in "days of yore" the desire to have sex caused marriage, today the desire to have sex for its own sake causes people to postpone marriage.

When marriage is not esteemed, neither can. . . virginity or celibacy exist. Pope John Paul II
                                                                                                          
Whoever denigrates marriage also diminishes the glory of virginity. Whoever  praises it makes virginity more admirable and resplendent. 
Jon Chrysostom

At this point the Pandora's Box of unintended effects gets opened. Only the blindest of our society would still debate that sex outside the confines of monogamous marriage has potentially disastrous effects. Abortion, illegitimacy, venereal diseases, emotional devastation, and the like speak inarguably and loudly that the power of sex is destructive in any context other than marriage. These observations reveal to us the tremendous forces being handled by the Pillars of our Home of Valor. Intimacy in the proper context, having its proper effect, is a blessing to society. When Intimacy is separated from its intended purpose, it has a powerful ability to destroy, rather than edify.

As I wrote this chapter I took a break to meet with a young man who is very new in his walk with Christ. We talked about this project and my sense of profoundness for sexual intimacy within the context of marriage. He confessed to presently struggling with pre-marital sex. As I advocated marriage as the proper context for this to take place, I wondered if he was possibly already considering marrying the girl. "Is she a keeper?, I asked, "Is she the girl you want to marry?" He said, "I don't know, we haven't talked that much." Fortunately, he read my mind and I didn't have to say "that much" either!
                       
This underscores the urgency of this whole subject. Books sometimes can seem disassociated from time and events - they can remain simply as a repository of ideas. Don't let that happen to this book. Who do you know, right now, who could very well be struggling with these issues? Who, tonight, is going to risk all of their future for a flourish of sensual gratification? I don't mind if you copy this chapter and say, "Read this." Your friend or loved one doesn't know me from Adam, though. I would much rather you sat down with them and just shared with them how you are personally convicted about these matters. (Maybe you could work with him or her on Small Group Activity #2 at the end of this chapter.) Do you have faith that God will convict a soul through His Truth gently shared? I do.
                       
The Picture of Marriage
                       
Let God speak to us about something near and dear to His heart.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the  church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject  to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.  Ephesians 5                         

Six times in this passage Paul says "also"; describing one relationship  and then comparing it to the other. So many times we have read this passage  understanding the parallel between the Church and the marriage between a man and a woman. But can we elevate this? Stronger than parallel, this relationship  between husband and wife is an actual picture of the relationship between  Christ and the redeemed of this world. Please savor this. We can not move  forward with this work or consider any other without first wholly comprehending  the true meaning of marriage.

Spouses are therefore the permanent reminder to the church of what happened on the cross. Pope John Paul II

Each marriage recorded in the courthouses of our nation are tubes of fine  oil paint that God wants to use to show the world how deep is the Love with  which He has loved us. Intimacy is not only desired by humans, one for another;  it is desired by God, to be intimate with us.
                        
The effects of this cause of divine intimacy are similar to the effects  of human intimacy. God wants a marriage relationship with us! David and Isaiah  in the Old Testament speak of redemption and salvation through image of marriage.  John the Baptizer speaks of being "the friend of the bridegroom." Think how  often Christ speaks with passionate parables about inviting people to the  marriage feast. Yes, God wants to marry us and Christ prepares us as His virgin bride by cleansing us of our sins. Everything that is good and true for human marriage pertains to our spiritual marriage. Faithfulness, happiness, communication, sharing of needs, spending time together, making plans, working out the budget, etc., etc. - marriage is marriage!

The church is deeply convinced that only by the acceptance of the Gospel  are the hopes that man legitimately places in marriage and in the family capable of being fulfilled.  Pope John Paul II

Most people agree that marriage is our best example of a symbiotic relationship.  Each partner providing something essential to the other. Symbiosis suggests  balance and equality. I think this is pleasing in the sight of God. I have  personally come to look at marriage as a relationship in which "upward" and  "downward" forces reciprocate. Consider first our "marriage" to Christ. We  faith or trust Him, we depend on Him and we defer to Him. In return for our  devotion, we hope for God to respond to us with eternal salvation and temporal  blessing. Likewise, in marriage the wife is called to be devoted to her husband.  The husband is called to exercise his responsibility to protect and provide  for his wife. A relationship in which either partner fails or limits his or her participation in this reciprocal arrangement is a relationship destined  for failure.
                        
Just as between humans, our intimacy with God is to drive us to interdependence  with Him. Don't overlook what I just said. You are accustomed to thinking  about us depending on God, but do you fully realize that God depends on us  for so much? From our marriage to the Groom, we are to bear the fruit of that marriage - new believers in Christ. As we just saw, Christ depends on us to expand His Kingdom. He has no other plan.
                        
A friend once posed the question, "What is the one manmade thing in heaven."  His answer was the scars in Jesus' body. I suggested to him that are two manmade things - scars and praise. In Isaiah 43.21, in a simple verse that should startle us into constant vigilance, God declares, "The people whom I formed for Myself will declare my praise." God does not praise Himself. He created us and filled our world with reasons for us to choose to praise Him! He depends on us for that - He created us for that!
                        
Intimacy's Second Effect
                        
Intimacy causes other significant effects beyond marriage. God instituted  the marriage as the context in which the couple is to be fruitful. Consequently,  the second effect of Intimacy is children. (At this point I want to say a  word of encouragement to my friends and yours who have not been blessed with  the ability to bear children. Only a sovereign God understands His own ways  and purposes. For whatever reason some couples are unable to have children,  it neither diminishes the vitality or quality of their marriage, nor does  it diminish the reality that child-bearing is a primary effect of Intimacy.  My prayer for childless couples is that God will reveal His specific plan  for them and that they also will honor God's general plan for the construction  of families.)

In the union of holy matrimony the seed of the home is planted. That seed  comes to life when a wife becomes a mother and a husband becomes a father;  it comes into being upon the birth of a child, when the family comes into  being. The home, then, might be better understood not as a place or a thing,  but as an event in the life of the holy.   David Patterson

God loves families. Not only does His first commandment require the creation  of families, but He speaks frequently and passionately about families. God refers to Himself (and asks us to do likewise) as our Father; yes, even our  Daddy. I hope it comes as no surprise to you that God also compares Himself  to a mother. Moses, Paul, and Peter each refer to the "household of God."  Jesus happily calls us his brothers and sisters. God loves families! And children come with their own effect which must be carefully weighed.
                        
Children introduce a future orientation to the family and to the world.  What parent is there that has not looked into the eyes of a newborn child  and not thought of the speed at which tomorrow approaches? What else could  cause perhaps the greatest transformation any human undergoes - the change  from selfishness to selflessness? Not even marriage itself is as forceful  as the thought that the tomorrow of this child's life lies in what you do today.
                        
I often marvel at those brief words in Genesis 5.22: "Then Enoch walked  with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and  he had other sons and daughters."  Have you ever been in Enoch's situation - are you there now? You have heard  of God. You have thought about Him from time to time. You marveled at the  vastness and beauty and interworking of this great creation in which we live.  But then THAT day comes. Birthpains suddenly give way to a weak, but irresistible  voice "crying out loud" for the very first time. And then it hits you as hard as it hit Enoch and every other parent in every generation, your life is not your own, your tomorrow is not your own.
                        
Courage! It takes courage to see and face the future. There are elements  in the world that we live in that would make any parent blush and quake. We stand with this new life in our arms and wonder if we will succeed or not in equipping this babe to more than withstand the challenges she will face; will we equip her to stand on the side of victory? (the second Pillar, Parenting, will renew our courage on this subject.)
                        
Intimacy's Third Effect
                        
Families require cooperation and interaction to go about the business of  successfully being a family. Our babes depend on us at birth, but slowly grow and experience independence. But for the family to flourish, all its members must seek to meet the shared and unique needs of other family members. Consequently, the third effect of Intimacy is interdependence.
                        
We could hardly fit the term "family" to a group of individuals who reside  at the same address, but who exist and behave autonomously of others in the  residence. Interdependence alone does not make a family, but a family, well-made,  does enjoy a high degree of interdependence. Whatever skills of helping and  sharing that we enjoy in society, we have first discovered their value at  home.

These relationships, sparked by intimacy, fueled by Christian love make  the home the foundry of interdependence.                        

To return to the theme that marriage is the picture of the relationship  between Christ and the Church, we should notice verses such as Galatians 6.2, "Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ." In interdependence the Church herself accomplishes the will of God. In interdependence the Family, too, achieves this high calling and establishes the hope, happiness, and heartiness of her members.
                        
As I watch my children grow up, I see how much courage it takes to live  in interdependence. So often we let each other down. We must summon a heart  of valor each morning as we enter a world that may or may not support us in our most needy times. As my boys interact with playmates, I see how hard they are working to depend on people who are undependable - and how they, themselves, often do not fulfill their duty to Christ and man. Courage is the requirement to pass through the day and enter the new one, hopefully and happily.
                        
Without the Pillar of Intimacy
                        
Before we consider what materials we shall use to build our Pillar of Intimacy,  let's think about what our lives, our world would be like without the proper  function of Intimacy. There would be no marriage; there would be neither desire for it, nor need for it. We might group together socially for enjoyment. We might form economic or political alliances for survival; but those links would hardly form the kind of bonds that would sustain us in times of personal need, suffering, and difficulty. Furthermore, those are large group associations  and hardly key to the kind of fulfillment we find in intimacy. Without Intimacy,  we would exist in an environment of isolation.
                        
Without Intimacy, the error of immediacy encroaches. As I said, with Intimacy  and child-bearing comes a future orientation. In parenting, we learn patience  and hope; we learn stability and steadfastness. No child ever learned to talk, walk, or anything else, overnight. But without intimacy, we are really never forced to be more concerned about tomorrow than today. Someone has coined the phrase "the tyranny of the urgent." How true it is that NOW wants to rule our lives. Delayed gratification is probably the hardest lesson learned  or taught, and yet, it is so vital to the balance and reasonableness of our  existence.
                        
Lacking the Pillar of Intimacy, our society would be insufficient to accomplish  the great things that mark a civilized culture. Without a sense of the value  of interdependence, we would become fiercely independent and our accomplishments  would be limited by the hours in our own day, the strength in our own muscles,  and the ability of our own minds. However you arrive at them, consider the  great advances civilization enjoys. Without teamwork in creating, making,  behaving where would our society be? Could our world exist without the kind  of interdependence that we first discover in the home? We should answer this  question before we even consider whether the "village" is sufficient for raising our children.
                        
Finally, as Christians, we should not be surprised at the spate of evidence  that is continually "discovered" by the unbelieving world that marriage (and  happiness in it) also affects infirmity.

A study in the American Journal of Sociology. . . finds married couples  have longer lifespans than unmarried people.

According to a 70-year prospective study recently reported in the American  Journal of Public Health and the American Psychologist, either the breakup  of one's own marriage or the divorce of one's parents reduced the average  life span of a group of 1,500 gifted children studied throughout their lifetimes.

That's right. Divorce may be hazardous to your health. Men and women who  at some point in time went through a divorce, even if they remarried, had  a 40 percent greater risk of premature death than those who were steadily  married. Those who did not remarry fared even worse. Men who remained divorced  or separated were 120 percent more likely to face earlier death. Among women,  the risk jumped 80 percent.
                        
Dr. David B. Larson, president of the National Institute for Healthcare  Research (NIHR) in Rockville, MD, recently released an extensive research  report that further details the impact of divorce on health. Among other findings, Dr. Larson found that divorced people were more likely to be afflicted with terminal cancer, three times more likely to commit suicide, and among men, twice as likely to die prematurely from cardiovascular disease than their married counterparts. In fact, divorced men who didn't smoke had only a slightly lower risk of dying from cancer than married men who smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.
                        
But all these problems that arise from a lack of Intimacy would not be a problem for long. (You are undoubtedly ahead of me on this.) Without intimacy,  we would have no society. Without the fruit that is intended to grow from  our intimacy we would literally disappear from the face of the earth in one  generation. Although wrong about our origins, Darwin was right when he postulated  that preservation of the species was one of the principle drives of all life.  And doesn't this make us think twice about "lifestyles" that practice unfruitful  intimacy?
                        
Misusing Intimacy
                        
The institution of marriage is not an undue interference by society or authority, nor the extrinsic imposition of a form. Rather, it is an interior requirement of the covenant of conjugal love which is publicly affirmed as unique and exclusive in order to live in complete fidelity to the plan of God, the creator. A person's freedom, far from being restricted by this fidelity, is secured against every form of subjectivism or relativism and is made a sharer in creative wisdom.

Its a strange profession isn't it, where you can make love to another man's life and he doesn't mind.  An actor about his trade and new movie in which he has sexual intercourse with an actress married to another man

The purpose of this work is to help families produce the evidence that the 'traditional family' is the only possible way to conceive of family. The family must be aware of the forces that intend to define it out of existence.  One of the most powerful forces in the world in the late twentieth century  is the attempt to re-define the family to include associations formed upon  scientifically and sociologically aberrant sexual behavior. If we examine  these "families" for any sort of evidence of producing healthy (by any definition)  members of society, we will be disappointed for the lack of that evidence.  Therefore, we are wise to take a moment here to consider what form of harm  these forces intend bring to the family.
                        
The following paragraphs are contained in remarks given in testimony to  the Alaskan Senate Health, Education, and Social Services Committee by Robert  H. Knight. His comments, delivered in hopes or persuading the state to preserve  the traditional definition of marriage, are a greater testimony to the turbulence  of the times in which we - as families - live.

Harvard sociologist Pitirim Sorokin found that virtually all political revolutions that brought about societal collapse were preceded by a sexual revolution in which marriage and family were devalued. When marriage lost its unique status, women and children most frequently were the direct victims.
       Giving same-sex relationships or out-of-wedlock heterosexual couples the  same special status and benefits as the marital bond would not be the expansion  of a right but the destruction of a principle. One can no more expand a definition  of marriage than one can expand the definition of a yardstick and still use  it as a reliable measure.
       Homosexual activist Michaelangelo Signorile put it candidly when he wrote  that activists should "fight for same-sex marriage and its benefits and then,  once granted, redefine the institution of marriage completely, to demand the right to marry not as a way of adhering to society's moral codes but rather to debunk a myth and radically alter an archaic institution."
       Likewise, homosexual activist Tom Stoddard admits that "I am no fan of marriage", but he sees "gay marriage" as a way of forcing society to accept homosexuality because marriage "is the centerpiece of our entire social structure, the core of the traditional notion of 'family.'"
       I am not advocating any program of action against such agendas other than  the one set forth in the body of this work. We will emerge on the other side  of this social storm victorious because of the truth of our hope and the undeniable legacy of families built upon God's solid rock. We must in the meantime, not allow ourselves to believe that a family is anything more or less than what God has ordained it to be. God, Himself, will ensure the proof of His plan.

Constructing the Pillar of Intimacy

It is no stretch to say that the happiness of the partners in a marriage  is a direct indicator of the strength of the marriage. If we are to build  a strong pillar of Intimacy and Marriage, we can certainly look to the subject  of happiness to find the material with which we can build our Pillar.

When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army, nor be  charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness  to his wife whom he has taken. Deuteronomy 24:5
                        
When Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy.

Among the most basic of human needs, other than physical shelter and food,  is the need for fulfillment. If we humans are designed for marriage, then  certainly, marriage must be designed for our personal and collective fulfillment  - fulfillment through discovering and appreciating our value. In marriage  there must be a sense of value attached to the one with whom we will spend  this life with. The process of celebrating value is adoration. Adoration is the substance which we will use to build our Pillar of Intimacy in the Home of Valor.
                        
The Burden of Adoration
                        
The world we live in is fraught with biases against gender, against race,  against ethnicity, against age, and so on. In reality, all of us have biases  against something. I say this to point out that with all of our biases "against",  we may have trouble recognizing and accepting biases "for" something. The  Bible presents a very strong bias that the burden of adoration within in marriage rests upon the shoulders of the husband. Anyone who enters into marriage should consider this carefully.
                        
I think it is within the nature of the male gender to be somhat carefree,  perhaps tending toward careless. The male of the our species has the irritating  ability to a) try to fix everything that we think is broken, and b) blow off everything we don't think needs fixing, and c) ignore what we are unable to fix. We bring this triad of arrogance into our marriages and apply the same clever system of "fixing" to our marriages as we do our lawnmowers. Because of this tendency on our part, I believe God has given the weight of scriptural responsibility to husband. In reality, God uses His Word to constantly remind us how we are to behave toward our wives.
                        
Within our natures we find another reason that God focuses on the husband  giving joy to his wife. I believe God created us with different requirements  for fulfillment. Without going into great detail, I suggest that men find  their value in accomplishment; women find their value in acceptance. Man essentially finds fulfillment by providing for the needs of the family - usually in a physical sense. Women tend to operate along the complementary emotional dimension of acceptance and nurture. Together the entire needs of the home are met.                                                                                        
                        
So then we are not surprised that men are, to some degree, self-sufficient  when it comes to fulfillment by accomplishing the work they set out for themselves.  Women, however, require fulfillment in a social context - they need to be  accepted by those closest to them. How wise we see God is to emphasize that  the husband is the one to infuse happiness into the home by giving joy to  his wife - the joy that comes from being highly valued and accepted - the  joy that comes from being adored.
                        
If you would like a sense of the importance God attaches to the responsibility  of man to give happiness to his wife, read Deuteronomy 24.5 again. To accomplish  his duty, the husband is exempted from, among other things, going out to battle with the army. This sounds like a good idea. War causes long separation and there is a great risk of death in any war. Newlyweds having a year off from the perils of war makes a lot of sense. But note the time and place this command was given. This law was issued as the nation of Israel was about to enter the Promised Land and take it "by the edge of the sword." This was God's own war that he was exempting husbands from! Do you agree that this speaks quite strongly about God's sense of priority? If God was willing to give up a soldier in His battlefront, what should the husband not do to fulfill  his duty on the homefront? In God's perfect paradigm, creating a happy marriage  is of much greater importance than conquering a land in His Name.
                        
Having established that a strong Pillar of Intimacy is achieved by the husband adoring his wife, it is only fair to suggest how the husband can do this

Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life, and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9

If you have ever studied much about prayer, you have run across the ACTS  acrostic which outlines a "good" prayer. The "A" is for adoration, "C" is  for confession, "T" is for thanksgiving, and "S" is for supplication. Perhaps  the hardest part to accomplish is the Adoration. We are to simply pray and  praise the attributes of God that makes Him God. We are so used to thanking  Him for what He does for us that we are not in the habit of just discovering  and admiring Him. The same is true of our wives. To truly adore her, men,  we must not only salute the things that please us, but we must acknowledge  the things that are of intrinsic value in her life. Let me give you some examples by way of contrasting thanking our wives and adoring them.
                        
Acts of Thanksgiving
a) thank her for preparing a family meal
b) tell her she "looks good in that dress"
c) tell her you enjoyed being with her at a social function
d) thank her for "getting you out of" a certain obligation or situation
                        
Acts of Adoration
a) point out how she has a sacrificial concern for the needs of the family                         
b) tell her that you appreciate the time and effort she devotes to taking  care of herself
c) share an observation that other people hold her in high regard
d) tell her that the grace with which she handled a difficult situation  reminds you of how Christ dealt with people
Each one of these adoration actions focuses solely on the attributes and  values of the spouse. Thanksgiving phrases require that something be done  (and usually for you!) before praise is offered. Can you see what a tight  and uncomfortable box thanksgiving by itself creates? We all need affirmation,  but a mate that only affirms with thanksgiving places very high demands on  the spouse. A husband, or wife, that is effective at stating adoration creates  an accepting, approving environment.
                        
Intimacy is the desire of sexual interaction between a man and a woman that draws them together toward God's institution of marriage. A world without  intimacy would be short lived and miserable. On the contrary, a life in which  Intimacy is honest and proper is a life blessed with joy and fulfillment.  The most effective way to build the Pillar of Intimacy is to recognize the  intrinsic worth and character of the person with whom you enjoy Intimacy.  All this requires courage - a courage to pursue what is best and noblest,  and to not succumb to the chaotic mediocrity of the world apart from God.  Just as the homes in which we live require upkeep, so too, does the Home of Valor. No matter how well constructed with Adoration, we want to ensure that no cracks or pits weaken our Pillar.
                        
Patching the Pillar of Intimacy

Time wounds all heels.  sign in a shoe repair shop

How we continue in marriage should never stray far from how we began. In  the previous section we discussed how to identify and celebrate these intrinsic  values of a person. Time can change some things, but it can never change the essence of a person. So many times in marriage counseling I hear that the spouse "has changed." Let me put it this way, Thanksgiving things may change, but Adoration things don't!
                        
Still, marriages, in fact, every marriage I've ever heard about, undergo  the wearing of time. A popular style in furniture-making now is to "distress"  furniture so it appears to have enjoyed many years of use. Though, not intentionally  I hope, our marriage are similarly stressed as the years "wear" on. The world  frequently whispers to couples at this point in their marriage that "the fire is gone," it's time to move on. Yes, flames die out, but even the smallest  coal can be rekindled.
                        
Remember that we believe that marriage is a picture of the relationship  between the Christ and the Church. What God has to say about the spiritual  relationship is good advice for the marriage relationship.

But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember  therefore from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did  at first; or else I am coming to you, and will remove your lampstand out of its place - unless you repent.  Revelation 2:4-5

Spouses, like Christians, can become distracted from the things that caused  the original spark of love. The first effect of Intimacy alone - children  - can so change the focus of the husband-wife relationship, that Intimacy  is disregarded and lost. Jesus Christ, in his admonition of the church at  Ephesus, instructed the spouse (the church) to turn around (repent) and "do  the deeds you did at first." What wonderful advice for the struggling couple!                         

Do those first deeds that so filled your heart with joy for one another that marriage was the only acceptable course to follow. I would like to see every newlywed couple document the top ten things that excite feelings of love and romance at the beginning of their relationship. When time wears down the glee and giddiness, the simple happiness found in just being in one another's presence, I would have them return to those things and do them again as they did in the beginning. (See Small Group Activity #1)

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.  Proverbs 5:18

Solomon, who has well earned his right to comment on wisdom and intimacy  in marriage, gives us the straight advice. Look at her, men! Look not at the outside of that bride you took, but look into her and see again that human note in the "Ode to Joy" that you singled out all for you own. Ladies, don't discard this faltering man in whom you have wavering confidence; renew him. Hebrews admonishes us to "encourage one another" and to "stimulate one another to good deeds." If it is good advice for the Church, I promise you it is good advice for the Home where we desperately need a strong Pillar of Intimacy. Summon your courage and go back to doing the things that stoked the original fire of love.
                        
Patch Your Pillar With the B.E.S.T.
                        
I am greatly indebted to Dr. Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins who have written, deservedly, one of the most highly acclaimed books on making marriage wonderful. Wheat and Perkins suggest a prescription to restore health to ailing marriages, indeed, "for a superb marriage." (I summarize this Rx below, and strongly suggest that you add Love Life For Every Married Couple to your personal library.)
                        
Wheat and Perkins' prescription is summarized in the acronym B-E-S-T representing  four essential aspects of Bless, Edify, Share, and Touch. All four dimensions  of a dynamic marriage are to be sought together. The first ingredient is Bless. "You have the power to bless your marriage," they say, "by the words you speak to your partner." This blessing activity occurs in four ways:
                        
(1) through your good and loving words spoken to him and about him;
(2) through your practical behavior, which shows lovingkindness toward him in actions large and small;
(3) through conveying your attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for  him;
(4) through your prayers to God on his behalf
                        
The second ingredient in the prescription is Edifying your mate. By edify,  Wheat and Perkins intend "building her husband up in every aspect of his personality, cheering him on in every area of life, and increasing his sense of self-worth with the result that his capacity to love and give of himself would be increased as well."
                        
We find as we study the New Testament passage that speak of edifying that  three golden strands are interwoven: personal encouragement, inner strengthening,  and the establishment of peace and harmony between individuals.
                        
Sharing is a powerful ingredient that Wheat and Okes recommend. "Sharing  should touch all areas of your life. . . . Sharing demands giving of yourself  and listening to your partner, and as you live life together, developing a sensitive awareness of moments that offer possibilities for deepening the  love between you."
                        
Finally, the one prescription for a blessed marriage includes the essential  component of Touch. While the Pillar of Intimacy suggests that man and woman  were naturally created for contact that culminates in sexual touching, Wheat  and Perkins are correct to recommend a realm of touching which is not oriented  toward sexual intercourse.
                        
Touch each other often and joyfully in nonsexual ways. Physical contact  is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love. You may take it as a sobering warning that most of the time marital infidelity is not so much a search for sex as it is for emotional intimacy. The scriptures indicate  that touching a woman kindles a flame that should be natural within marriage.  If you would like to kindle a flame in your own marriage, then begin to show  your love through physical touching.
                        
But the home is constituted by the spiritual, and not by the sensual. And  the difference lies in the caress. In the groping and grabbing of sensuality,  we manipulate and appropriate the other for ourselves, for our own pleasure.  The caress, however, is an opening and offering of the self to another, whether  it is between husband and wife or parent and child. It is an instance of a contact not between skin and skin but between soul and soul -- that is what makes it spiritual rather than sensual. The caress, therefore, seeks what cannot be touched. It seeks what lies at the heart of the home, and it reveals what lives in the heart of the family. For without the loving caress, neither home nor family can come into being.
                        
Summary
                        
It is the all-too-frequent duty of pastors to counsel and intervene in marriages that are failing. During the writing of this chapter alone, I have been called into the home of a handful families where the love that makes a marriage has begun to ebb away. My heart breaks, not only for the tragedy that may happen in those homes, but also for the fact that a broken marriage should never be even a hypothetical possibility. I have evaluated this chapter in light of what really happens when a marriage begins to dissolve and I am convinced that the plan God has for marriage is perfect and that he has provided remedies for imperfect unions. The question is never "can this marriage be saved," but "will we participate in the saving of this marriage!" This is where the only home that will stand is a Home of Valor. Divorce and disruption  are the coward's way out. Doing the things described in this section will  require your courage and, perhaps, it will require more courage than you have ever known before. I put to you the question I ask of every troubled couple, "If you believe that God created and highly values marriage, do you think God is willing to whatever miracle it takes to make your marriage whole and healthy again?" The only answer is yes. Now we must decide if we want to participate in God's miracle.