Whenever I plunge my arm, like this,
In a basin of water, I never miss
The sweet sharp sense of a fugitive day
Fetched back from its thickening shroud of gray. (T. Hardy)
* *
Clarisse submerged her hands into the hot soapy water, it seemed she hadn�t washed dishes since being a child. Fond memories of standing on a chair to reach the sink and wash her teacup flooded back, at her Grandmother�s house, that warm smell of home cooking surrounding her, freshly baked cookies and bread, warm milk before bedtime. Security and calmness and a comforting love.
She smiled to herself, dipped her head and closed her eyes recalling the delicate scent of her Grandmother�s soap, lavender soap on her skin. How her hands were soft and almost moulded into shape, they had always struck the young Clarisse as being the most beautiful pair of hands. Not glamorous, not covered in polish and jewels. They were quite simply kind and caring, and so many times they had helped heal a grazed knee or wipe away a tear. Memories of staying at her Grandmother�s house were always filled with delight, she wondered if Amelia might ever feel that way about her. She had missed out on so many years already, so many nuances of growing up Clarisse hadn�t been present to witness.
�Something on your mind?� Joseph asked quietly. He stood slightly behind her, drying the dishes that she washed.
�Just thinking about my Grandmother, remembering doing the dishes for her, that�s all.�
�Ahh.�
�I wondered if my Granddaughter might ever feel that way about me, if she�ll ever know me at all.� She placed another bowl on the drainer.
Joseph picked it up. �Perhaps one day you�ll be able to catch up on those things.�
�Perhaps, I know it�s for the best, and I�d never tell Rupert, or even Philippe actually� but I do hate the decision to keep her in the dark, it would be nice to have a little girl to spoil, having both boys I never got to dress them up in pretty pink dresses.�
Joseph laughed. �I think they might have had a few complaints.�
�I think so too� oh!� She cursed as she dropped a cup into the bowl and the bubbles hit her on the nose.
�Now there�s a sight.� Joseph dabbed her with the towel and, laughing, she turned back to the basin.
He stepped closer and took the cup from her hand to dry. The scent of her hair caught him as he got closer, he felt an overwhelming urge to close his eyes and bury his face there in the scent. To drift away in the joy of being so close to her, of being so intimate with her. The object of his affections, the cause of so many sleepless nights right there, inches away from his touch.
She stepped back as she reached for a plate from the side and caught his toe with her heel.
�Sorry.�
�That�s alright, small working area.�
As he moved behind her he was struck again by the simple beauty of her neck, the elegant flow to her shoulders, slender and graceful. The curve of her breasts� oh were they just talking about her being a Grandmother?
Unbidden he moved closer to her again, no dishes in his hand just the towel. Once more he caught her scent, that fragrant aroma that he had only inhaled in brief gasps previously, for even at their most intimate over the years he had never granted himself the time to truly stop and wallow in the warmth of her perfume. It cascaded around him now as a waterfall might, dripped into his every sense and each nerve was alight with it.
He placed a hand on her shoulder, ran his thumb down her neck. A slight gasp of breath was the only sign she had felt him, she didn�t move, didn�t stop washing the last plate in her hand. Yet when he stepped closer she lifted her head slightly, suddenly aware of how close he was, of the warmth and firmness of his body behind hers. His hand seemed to still upon her and she realised he was trembling; could it be possible he was as nervous as she was right now?
His index finger replaced where previously his thumb had been and he ran it down her neck, sliding it across her silky soft skin. She arched her neck slightly, closed her eyes at the sensations he was causing. His hand moved of its own accord to her shoulder, drew her sweater aside as he followed her collarbone. He sighed, deep and unnerving, it surprised her as much as that first touch.
She felt his breath on her neck, near her ear, felt him shiver against her. With a deep breath she moved backwards until she was resting against him, her back to his stomach, with his chest pressed against her she could feel just how good his physique was, clearly he was still in good shape.
His hands trailed down her sides, tickling, they rested on her waist and her stomach flipped. She closed her eyes attempting to resist the urge to sway against him; then his hands reached up and cupped her elbows before sliding down the remaining part of her arms and catching her wrists as his fingers disappeared beneath the soapsuds.
She folded her fingers with his, leant her head back against his shoulder and felt his chin slide into place next to her neck. How easy it was for them to fit together, how perfect it seemed. When she opened her eyes the first thing she saw was her wedding ring sparkling from where it rested next to the sink. Her throat tightened but she adamantly brushed it away. Most people found this before they married, most people married for love; Rupert had never been her lover and she never his, it was what it was and she couldn�t change that and after all these years she wouldn�t want to. But Joseph was different, this wasn�t some secretive horrid little affair, it wasn�t dirty and disgusting and to be ashamed of. It was everything she wanted, it was something for her alone, Clarisse, not the Queen, not the mother, not the dutiful wife and hostess.
Reluctantly Joseph let go on her hands and began to move away from her.
�Should we retire to the lounge?� He whispered.
She nodded, �I�ll just be a second.� She replied somewhat unsure of her voice.
She spent a few minutes alone, putting the dishes away and drying her hands. Finally she stopped, leant back on the table and took a few deep calming breaths, the enormity of the situation suddenly hitting her. She�d been a virgin at marriage, she�d never known anybody else�s touch and if she was honest with herself she hadn�t slept with her husband since the birth of her second child. She was terrified; terrified of disappointing, terrified of how her body would respond� Knitting her fingers together she went through to the lounge.
Joseph was standing in front of the fire, his back to her, leaning on the mantelpiece. A few candles stood on the table creating a dusky light in the room. Silently she stood at the entrance watching him.
He sensed her behind him, gave her a few seconds before turning to face her and smiling despite his nerves. The air suddenly seemed warm, too warm, and he wondered if his body would find a way to override these nerves and perform, right now his stomach was up in his throat.
She unfolded her hands, held them out at her sides. �Well here I am.� She said trying to lighten the mood.
�There you are.�
�Forgive me, I�m nervous.�
�That�s alright, I�m terrified.� He admitted and they both laughed.
�Oh how ridiculous is this, I�m a middle-aged woman I should be able to handle this.�
�We don�t have to do� anything, if you�re not ready.� He moved towards her, hesitantly.
�I want this�� She closed the distance between them. �You know I want this.� She placed her palms on his chest.
He held her elbows. �You mean everything to me, I�m more afraid now than I was when we were out there being stalked.�
�Oh I don�t know, my fear seems to be fading.�
He was taller than her, only slightly, but she noticed it more now standing here in front of him without heels. She lifted her face and brushed her lips across his.
It was only a slight touch, but she felt him shudder at the sensation and she suddenly realised the power she could have over him, his breathing was deep and heavy. Resting her hands on his shoulders she kissed his bottom lip.
Joseph couldn�t feel his hands, he felt numb, he resisted the urge to devour her mouth afraid he might scare her. But when she pressed her mouth fully against his he moaned and circled her waist with his arms holding her body tight against his.
Her breasts felt full and heavy against his chest; he drew a hand up across her stomach, over her ribcage, circling the bottom of her breast with his finger. This time he was rewarded with a fulfilling sigh from her.
Her hands were on his neck, then drawing circles on his back, her fingers trailed down and pulled his shirt free from his trousers. She touched his skin leaving a burning heat there. This was easier than she anticipated. A throbbing seemed to emanate from deep inside her, a tightening in her stomach but far from being uncomfortable it was the most pleasurable thing she�d ever known.
Joseph slid one hand into her hair, the other arm around her back holding her to him. He teased her mouth with his tongue, held her hips as they swayed against him, they�d settled into a rhythm, how natural it had been.
He broke the kiss, his mouth was sticky, the pulse at his throat felt like it was going to explode. He rested his forehead against hers, struggling to breathe evenly and get his words out coherently.
�I love you, I love you god help me.� His hands reached her face, felt her lips slightly swollen from their kissing, brushed across her cheekbones, beneath her beautiful eyes.
She caught his fingers, watched the slightly unsure look flit across his face, the tears fall from his eyes.
�I love you, I do, you�re the only man I�ve ever�� The words caught in her throat, she kissed his forehead. Held his hands and led him to the couch.
She stared at it realising it wouldn�t be large enough for the two of them, and did she really want to be cramped up on a couch during their first time.
�Here.� He offered collecting blankets and laying them on the rug in front of the fire. She added pillows and sat down.
�Still not quite right,� he added smiling at her. �Stay there one second.�
He ran up the stairs two at a time, when he returned he carried in his arms the duvet from the bed upstairs. She couldn�t help but smile at his almost teenage mix of excitement and anticipation.
He was watching her as she knelt down in front of the fire, she could feel his gaze lingering on her as he stood mere inches away. Biting back her nerves she lifted the sweater from her body and threw it to the couch. A shiver ran across her skin as the cool air hit her closely followed by the glow from the fire.
Wordlessly Joseph followed suit and repeated her movement then finally knelt in front of her, one hand on her arm the other resting on her knee as they kissed.
He felt the need to say something life affirming and memorable but as his mind searched for the words he finally realised there was no need to say anything, they�d covered it all before, time and time again.
After feeling so alone for so very long, after fearing her heart would forever be cold and unused Clarisse was awash with emotions. Right then at that moment there was nothing she wouldn�t do for him, nothing she wouldn�t promise as unattainable as it might prove to be.
Later neither would be able to recall who removed which items of clothing, who arranged pillows and blankets or at what point the fire turned to cinders. But Joseph would forever remember the moment he felt her thighs, warm and soft, touching his legs. The anticipation and giddy excitement in her breathing as he watched her face.
�Are you sure?� He whispered into her mouth, kissing her again.
A hand gripping his shoulder and her mouth pushing hard against his were his response.
This was it, the beginning of everything, or the end of everything else.
* * *
They made love for most of the night and again early in the morning, then slept until past lunch. Clarisse was first to wake, her eyes slowly adjusting to the light in the room, her mouth felt dry and her arms heavy. She looked down, Joseph�s head on her chest, he still slept.
Smiling she moved her arm and stretched it, then pulled the blankets up around his body. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep again but her mind refused to rest. Despite the fact she�d only had a few hours sleep she couldn�t recall ever feeling so exhilarated. She wrapped her arms around the man sleeping and took in the sight of her pale skin against his bronzed, traced her fingers down his bare arm and for the first time noticed she�d forgotten to put her wedding ring back on.
The thought of Rupert rushed into her mind and the many years of marriage they�d shared, her sons, what would they think if they knew their mother had been� No, no she needed this, too many isolated years. Joseph had shown her that she wasn�t incapable of love and passion. But this was a dream, this couldn�t continue when they were back at the palace, both of them knew that. They both knew what the consequences would be, they weren�t idiots, but at least� at least she had this memory. At least they had it.
She sighed and felt Joseph shift against her, lifting his head and moving to the side of her body.
�Hello.� She said slowly sliding her hand down his arm.
�Hello.� He replied, his voice somewhat hoarse.
She smiled and touched his face. �Still sleepy?�
�Just waking.� He turned onto his side and rested his hand on her waist. �You look� bright.�
�And happy.� She added snuggling up against him. �So very happy.�
�Hungry?�
�Ice-cream, I could eat ice-cream.�
�For breakfast?� He laughed.
�It�s lunch time.�
He glanced up at the clock, �So it is.�
�I don�t want to move.�
�Me neither.�
�Let�s just stay here for a while longer�� She said closing her eyes.
�Alright.� He kissed her forehead, pulled the blankets to cover both their bodies and also closed his eyes feeling a dreamlike state sweep over him.
�I love you.� She whispered folding her hand with his.
*
Part 10