| Laugh Your Reeds Off... but don't forget to put them back on! |
| Top ten reasons to play clarinet: 10. It's lightweight. 9. You won't get struck by lightning. 8. You get to stay away from the percussionists. 7. Making clicky noises with the keys. 6. It sounds okay when you don't squeak. 5. All composers like you. 4. You outnumber every other section in the band. 3. Tastes like a tree. 2. Mooching off the oboes. 1. It beats playing flute. Five reasons not to: 5. Too much competition. 4. Brains worth $100 a pound. 3. Too much squeaking. 2. The case is more useful than the instrument. 1. Having to deal with all the idiots in the section. |
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| Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? By the Russians? |
| You should now. |
| How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones. What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? You can almost hear them. How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? You can't! How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know where to enter and what key to use Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the clarinet? It saves time. Why don't clarinet players play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them. Why are there so many clarinetists in a band? Because the conductor wants someone to play to right notes. What's the best thing to play on a clarinet? Nothing. How do you stop an oboe from being stolen? Put it in a clarinet case. How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet? Miss a lot of notes... How do you know when a clarinetist has died? The concertmaster moves them back a chair... What do call a line setup by clarinets? A circle |
| Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health. Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. How do you put down a tenor saxophone? Confuse it with a bass clarinet. What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument. What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces. How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? Cut the noose. A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections: Flute Brains, $1/lb Tuba Brains, $10/lb Percussion Brains, $5/lb Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinet Brains, $100/lb He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?" How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know where to enter and what key to use. What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard? Vibrato. What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. |