| March 17, Sunday, St. Patty's Day. 12:47 pm I feel a perfect serenity today. This is being fed by a large dose of caffeine and chocolate as I write this. It's gloomy here, overcast, cold and humid, with the smell of flowers that reminds me that yesterday was so warm and sunny.. but I was sweaty in my clad of black from the audition I played early in the morning, my hair a mess as I did not have time to dry it in my room, but in transit, out the window of our family's Jeep Cherokee, in the chill morning air blowing in our trek across this Carolina interstate highway. I played a great audition, and it makes me happy that at least one college wants me so much. Yesterday I shopped some, buying these creme colored pinstripe pants that I wear now. Oh I feel perfectly relaxed. I have found a person to be infatuated with, a new one... and he does not seem close to breaking my heart.. which is nice.. I'm beginning to feel perhaps I was not destined to be an eternally celibate muse on an outcropping of rock somewhere.. haha.. like I could be a muse. yea right. =P I wrote this little snippet on a sheet of paper the other night, feeling a bit dejected, I'll stick it in here. I was guilty at once and scared, in a way... and.. well, you can glean what you'd like from it. 3/15 10:10 pm One day, I will write my confessions.. and the world will be shocked.. or perhaps they will not. Perhaps thier guilty souls will rejoice that they are not alone, therefore not lonely. What is to become of me and my dreams? I want only to inspire others and be inspired. I do not wish to be owned by anyone. I am the wind, as I once said. Sometimes I mourn my youth. I mourn its passing, perhaps that it never existed. I'm hollow inside. I feel used and uncared for. When I cry, black eyeliner streams down my cheeks. I imagine, everyone knowing what I've done in this life.. Promises I've made and broken.. promises I made never intending to keep. My love of Machiavelli and Plato. I need an embrace.. sincerity. oh gosh, what was I on? haha.. man.. I'm not wearing any green. I hope my eyes will do. tee hee.. Man I'm a mess. Oh and about this muse stuff.. Oh gosh.. this caffeine is starting to get to me. I'm feeling a little more tense and enerjetic. I'll have to let the rest of this little blue cup wait for me to catch up. Haha..Why do I feel so happy right now? Flowers are starting to bloom. It just started raining outside.. oh great. =\ heh.. ohwell. Ok there are so many people in my life.. I love each in their own way. I really do. Too many people are nice to me. In the car on the way back to school yesterday my dad asks me, Jenn, did you get your acceptance letter to Bob Jones yet (a super conservative baptist school). I laughed and my mom said, they wouldn't want her, she wears pants so she's a hussy. I thought that was a little ironic since I like to wear skirts more than most girls. In fact I own many more skirts than I do pairs of jeans.. heh.. but anyway.. I laughed and told my dad that they wouldn't want me because not only am I a hussy, but a freethinker. I am an abomination. haha.. Sometimes it's so great to go against the grain. So what is the center of my existence? Where are all my thoughts and emotions centered right now? These damn creme colored pinstripe pants. mm... and this chocolate thing I stole from my cafeteria.. the calmness that leaks to my very fingertips, my murky night last night, where I rolled over ever two hours and looked at the computer screen and saw messages I couldn't read in my fog. Spring break is soon. I can't wait to get with Cody and wreak havoc on our little town. I want to dress in all black and give people funny looks. What has marked this change in me, from being the polite girl who wore jeans like everyone else and couldn't bear to say a mean thing to or about people.. Into this aloof loverbitchmuse, who sits at times like a gargoyle. Passive to the world, but laughing at it and loving it at the same time. A critic yet happy where I am.. I maintain the passivity of my youth but it feels quite different inside. The world does not intimidate me as much. I feel confident powerful, and odd.. and comfortable in my oddness because I'd hate to be like those other peeople. ByGod, I'm happy to be alive. It is such a feeling, to let your past sift through your fingers, because you let it go. To forget, to move past emotions, grasping only onto the ones that you wish to carry in your journey into the future.. bla bla bla.. black sheep. It's sometimes fun to duck corners when you see a ghost from your past moving down the hall. One cannot deny that the past occured, but can move past it. Past! arrgh. Anyway.. just so you know, I'm not into escapism. I think it's stupid to ignore your mistakes or the pain in the world.. You must be aware of it, but cannot dwell on it.. take the burden, bear the load, but don't let it define you. Life is transit. I'm happy that I have found a new object of infatuation.. I fear the outcome.. but it is nice to know that I can care for people again. I mean, to know again that I can care for people. I was afraid that my nonchalance might be permanent.. and that I had lost that sensitive person that I was.. I wish to be sensitive.. but strong. Balanced and full of vitality and sense of being ALIVE! lol.. man I've totally lost my direction in this little spiel.. thanks for reading, though. My thoughts have just lost that focused intensity they had a few minutes ago. It's like all of a sudden there are two indpendent currents flowing and trying to express that is just really hard.. haha.. plus this entry is helluva long already! I'll shut up now.. haha.. Lots of love to ya. May your road to paradise be paved in fruity pebbles... Adieu. ~Clara |