Jan1and2

Jan 2, 2002 8:56 a.m.
*sigh* I actually slept last night. I woke up around 5 am. I went to sleep much
earlier than usual. Even compared to at school when I also have to wake up in the
morning. I feel refreshed, more or less. I've been playing around with pictures on
the computer. The rescue picture is one of those. hehe.. just another way to bide
time. I don't have many thoughts for the moment. I still have Andrea Bocelli stuck
in my head from last night. I was feeling a bit melancholy. I don't look forward to
starting classes again, though I miss my friends from school a bit. but to think of
going back to living in a dorm, that cafeteria.. though it will be nice to have everyone back... though I'll miss everyone here, few as they are in number. blah.. enough of all that.. I guess all I have to say right now is I'm happy I actually slept. And I've been feeling sad of late, but right now about all I feel is refreshed. I shaved and didn't cut myself. I might get a new sweater today since my allowance has come... umm.. and I've been thinking of cutting my hair.. which I think of all the time but never do. by gosh my life is already boring again. I supposed I'm already feeling like a caged lion again. blah blah blah.. the only reason I'm writing is to show the picture I edited.. and now that friends at home are in school I feel stuck here.. and my mother has returned to work.. though she says we can go somewhere this afternoon.. I suppose I'll just look forward to that! haha.. sorry for all this ado about nil. I promise to be better in the future. Until then, Adieu!!!

Jan 1, 2002 2:02 a.m.
Cody just went home from our new years celebration thingy. We drank sparkling grape juice and watched City of Angels. I also helped him to make a webpage, his first. He left around 1:25 as I was online, chatting vocally and lamenting over a spacebar that didn't space. We double exposed a picture so now i have a sticker of Cody ... and Cody. oh gee... what a night. I was so scared I'd be alone and depressed on new year's.. I even planned it out in my head... the diet soda cans stacked to the ceiling.. andrea bocelli blasting away.. a tear soaked nixon bear in my arms as I reminisced over love and pain I've felt in my short years. City of Angels seemed appropriate tonight. What are my plans for the new year? well, get some aqua di gio.. and experience life. As much as I try I feel I keep forgetting to keep living. I know it sounds silly, but I'm getting bogged down in the petty and the grotesque. There is too much beauty to spend life chasing after dung beetles. Aww.. now it's 2:09 and people are getting offline. I can't lament. I'm dreaming of Indiana right now and fearing for the future. I want to be like Katharine Hepburn. I watched another of her movies yesterday.. and tonight I held a box containing Gone With The Wind. I just sat and closed my eyes, imagining to have lived in such a time under such circumstances.. or to be like Scarlet, who always knew what she wanted, though she was mistaken for most of her life. Bah... so much silly talk.. What room is there for the lofty? Yet, do we sell ourselves short to deny it? Balance is beauty... but so is the act of purging oneself... release the humors.. To cry without abandon.. to speak in sentence fragments.. Now I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I have to get an essay in the mail. You know, I have this horrible habit of putting into my life metaphors... and finding symbolism in the mundane. Is this a form of madness? A narcissistic trait, to believe that the universe might actually have a reason for your existence? To believe that this breeze, which unlocked a pandora's box of feeling within you meant to do so? To believe in this is so beautiful. But what of not believing? Is it cynical? Cynicism seems to connotate truth, yet it does not always do so. Some times it is a few steps too far in the wrong direction I believe.. yet optimism can also go too far. I thank whoever may bother to read this legnthy bit.. I hope you find something within it. If not insight into me, then into yourself perhaps. We can all use the occasional soul searching.. even if one does not believe in the existence of the soul. Perhaps you will find that you have one. I think this is enough for now.. Ideas come more slowly. Adieu.