Jan 12 2002, 1:20 am
Tonight I feel a bit dejected and inspired. I keep thinking about human emotions, love in particular. Why do we love things? I'm thinking of someone I know, who seeks only vague understandings of her surroundings. Does she ever feel unsatisfied I wonder? I mean, I think of love and understanding. Can someone love, truly love, and not understand? Is true beauty only in understanding? I can't.. decide. I think technical study can take some from elegant simplicity.. but take a song you have loved. Why do you love it? Is it possible to like something without reason? Does it have to be something you understand to ignite your soul?
I am an arrangement of atoms, forming a girl seeking inspiration and some form of immortality in my work. My cells live and die, my seconds ticking away. I have many years yet, but I am still finding my reasons to life. At night I feel so confined, stuck in a dorm room, a small area of space, my only options: tetris or chat, if I happen to have the computer, study/do homework, or call someone and hope for a bit of conversation. It seems so little, so small. I would sleep, but I cannot. I'm out of sleeping pills and it's extremely hard for me to go to sleep without utter silence and darkness, which can never come until my roommater has gone to sleep. But if I were free, what would I do? I cannot imagine. What am I doing?! I'm wasting precious, precious time. I need something to do, to heal, to help, to something. I feel useless tonight. I don't like who I'm becoming, nor who I once was. I need direction, time, space, an outlet. How can I change myself and the world? Something seems lacking. God, someone, help me. At night, I can't go to sleep and I don' thave slepeing pills so I drink caffeine to get a rush--something to do.. not the greatest idea, I suppose. It makes me sleepy and restless. I know I couldn't sleep anyway, though. Right now I feel jittery... there's someone I like, or am rather fond of right now. I don't know if they know.. nor why I make mention of it. Perhaps just to count the reasons: an aura of inhibition and honesty, gorgeous smile, fine, immense intelligence and modesty, seeming to think in many ways like me, also sharing opinions, straightforward, frank (I think), clean cut, funny, crass at times perhaps, but in a way that.. well highlights the honesty about peole and life in general. And dare I say who it is? After such praise, I think not! BUt if one wishes to know, they may ask. This person I admire, though.. I wish I had more of thier qualities. How do I see myself? Well I'll be as honest as I can... I think I am a reluctant idealist. I love Love and beauty, warm sunny days, and true friends. I hate being strong, stupid/ignorant people, keeping up with things, rudimental things, being so cold it hurts, sleeplessness, the compulsion to bite my fingernails. I hate my battle with shyness and my difficulty teling people how great I tend to think they are. I love getting good deals. I love playing with money. I hate hurting people. I get annoyed by people who are over sensitive, though. I admire greatly those smarter than me (Rivers, you die... j/k) and envy them. I try to learn from everyone. I love all my friends. I like praise and reassurance if it's genuine. I hate rejection. I'm not fond of churches and dogmatic types, though a church is better than just about any political institution.. I suppose... I dislike people who lie, especially about love. Mind games are fun, games with emotion should be banned from earth. I think I'm a narcissistic asshole. I'm too unkind, too judgemental, a slacker, and too hard on myself. I want to find people who can understand and .. I suppose like me. Or at least one person. I like cats. I like coming to understand people, feeling connected, sharing experiences. I like telling stories. I know it's forever away and sounds incredibly odd to say, but I want to be a grandmother so I can give my grandkids money and cookies and tell them about what things were like whatn I marched corps, went to highschool and college, fell in love... Blah, love. It can be so silly sometimes. It's got me hung up tonight. Loving my 'brother', my sister, my horn, my new sweater... my music... |
