Jan 10, 2002 6:54 p.m.
Ok.. my what a day.. It (the weather) got warm and I got a huge euphoric rush. Then some things occured which upset me and made me feel drained when I went to practice just now. So, some people said some things. What it was or who it was doesn't matter. I thought about it for a bit. I have a horrible habit of dwelling on things. I can never let things go. There are things still bothering me that happened years ago. I'm still trying to come to terms with a lot of things, so it's not odd that this stuck with me. but anyway, as I said it made me think for a bit.. and I tried to figure out why the incident bothered me. I reached the conclusion that the occurence was actually a common one, but it was the way it occurred... the way the people acted, not what they did or said that bothered me. Well I'm just going on about this in such a way. This is horrid. I mean, the way I'm portraying it. What upset me so is an insult aimed at my taste. heh.. not so bad you might say. but think of it from this perspective. Insults are rather torrid things in general, no matter how you look at them. But some insults can be rethought and made into constructive criticism if the person insulted has the stregnth of mind to do it. Like, for example, if someone insulted my playing, saying it was too brassy. Even if they were rude about thier deliverance of the criticism, I could still make something good of it and improve my tone. Even appearance insults can meet a good end. But taste? Perhaps it is wrong to call it an insult, what occured. I doubt the people meant real malice, yet, there seemed something a bit cruel about it. I suppose what I mean to say is that it hurt me, though I know such small things should not bother me. So I practiced my horn, trying to purge my feelings of frustration but got upset because my sound was so unhinged. I of course separate my feelings from those individuals involved and try to concentrate them on the even itself, but I realized that there seemed to be a compounding of influence.. okay.. I'm getting way out here now.. I shouldn't even be bothered by this whole thing. I feel a fear of putting myself out now. To state my opinion initially was to put it out there, and it got shitted on. Now, through this petty whining discourse do I hope to make things better? I suppose what I really need is to purge my frustration. I don't have an outlet, though. I mean, at least not an acceptable one.. I could take a razor and cut myself.. or cut off my hair.. or throw insults at innocent people but what good would that do? In the end, it's a double wrong, causing double guilt, etc.. oh blah.. I had such high hopes today for a time. Perhaps now I should go outside and think... the night is still nice... it's dark so early.. and it 's colder than earlier, but nice still... I suppose I'll go. For now, adieu.
back to introduction to my psyche |
