The scene: A poker table littered with peanuts, chips, filled and half-filled glasses, several decks of cards � and one inflatable baseball bat that was hanging in midair over the center of the table just like the floating candles in the dining area of Hogwart�s School of Wizardry.

The participants: All of the immortals were playing poker as well as a few brave CDCers, but they weren�t too worried because they�d convinced Connor to let them gamble with his money. Connor wasn�t worried, because he could win it all back from Duncan anyhow. Duncan wasn�t worried because he knew where Methos� beer money was stashed. Methos wasn�t worried, because he�d moved his beer fund.

Richie found the beer fund and used it to fix lahoffy�s motorcycle. (At least, that�s the story I�m being told.)

�How�d you get the bat to float?� inquired hayden.

�k�lynn,� said Connor. The air giggled and the bat wavered threateningly.

�I programmed it myself,� announced MacNair proudly. �I sat and stared at frus on my computer, imagining what the immortal was thinking, read all the directions to program the bat, and then did it!�

�Good for you,� lynnann said, munching a chip and staring at her hand of cards. I bet it took her all day to figure it out she thought. �So, what will it say?�

�Lots of things. We have to decide how we want to use it.�

�You programmed it�so what do you want to do?� said Sheeza, arriving with more nachos.

�Well, I think the immortals should tell stories. k�lynn can whap randomly, the bat will say something, and the immortal hit with it has to tell us a story or a scene that will fit.�

�Don�t you have enough stuff in your head to deal with? And this sounds suspiciously like other tricks you�ve pulled to get stories out of us,� complained Connor.

Whap-p! went the bat.

�TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES,� it said.

Connor raised one eyebrow. The room erupted in hoots, shrieks, whistles, catcalls, and groans.

�k�lynn has been hovering around all day while I worked on it just to get to whap you with this thing,� said MacNair, grinning like a fiend.

�You�d better fine tune this deal, sweetie. Does the scene have to be about me or would anyone else at the table be fair game? How long should the story be? And,� Connor added gravely, �that one sounded like an order.�

�Hmmm,� offered lynnann. �He�s got a point. We can�t stay up all night with this. Why don�t we change it to a �Jeopardy� kind of deal. The bat gives the answers, the immortals have to give us the questions.�

�Long, detailed questions,� interjected Sheeza.

�Oh, goody.� MacNair grinned and gobbled some more M&M�s. �No orders, I guess, and anyone here is fair target for the question.�

Silence.

�Does this mean Connor doesn�t have to take off all of his clothes?� lahoffy whined.

��uhh-h-h,� began MacNair. �No, it would get too confusing between stories and orders. We�ll do commands next time, okay?�

�Poo!� said the spook from midair.

�You�re up at bat, Connor MacLeod,� said hayden. (She�d been waiting for the chance to say this!)

�This is an easy one,� returned the Scot in question. He was shuffling the cards for the next hand as he spoke. �What does Duncan say to lahoffy all the time? And Sheeza � and lynnann � and hayden�� (He continued to name every CDCer living at the compound�and tossed in a handful of guests too.) (He tossed in Richie and Methos and himself as well, but that was only on Thursdays when they mucked out the stables and Duncan did all the wash.) (The CDCers declared Thursdays to be �Watch All the Studs Hang Out Day� �but they *still* stood downwind.)

Duncan looked unapologetic, then smug, then alarmed in turn. Methos sipped his Black Butte Porter and Richie snared the plate of nachos while Sheeza was laughing.

�The game is seven-card stud with a high-low split and don�t get brew on this new deck of cards or I�ll have to kill you,� stated Connor as he dealt. He flipped one card face up and left another face down for each person.

Duncan was silent after peeking at his face down card. lynnann squinted at her cards as if willing the numbers to change. Methos moaned and put his head down.

Whap-p! went the bat, right on top of the ROG's head.

�IT�S GOT THAT NICE �SQUIDGEY� FEEL TO IT.�

�How does Duncan tell if the haggis is done?� announced Methos, still head down on the table.

�I do NOT!� roared Duncan.

�That�s not at *all* how it feels when it�s done,� observed Connor.

�And it stinks to the high heavens and only tourists eat it,� added Richie.

(None of the CDCers heard any of this because they were laughing so hard that their ears shut!)

They were still laughing when the immortals returned to their game. Methos did bet, eventually. Duncan and lynnann did also, and then Connor dealt the next card out. Richie folded at card number five to snarf snacks instead and the bat caught him halfway to the bowl of chocolate chip cookies.

Whap-p!

�TRUST ME� it said.

�What I told Duncan yesterday on the phone, which he automatically interpreted to mean I�m heading for trouble and he needs to keep his schedule clear, when the whole dang time I was only going to town to cash a check at the bank�and then he was ticked because he wasted the whole day hanging near the phone?�

Methos muttered, �This is why I don�t do students.�

�You said you were going to �heist some cash from someone� and then hung up!� Duncan protested.

�Gullible, aren�t you?� snorted Connor, still doling out cards.

Slowly, with bets at every round of cards until everyone held seven, the game went on.

�Showdown time,� announced Connor and put his cards down. He had three of a kind.

That didn�t beat lynnann, however, who held a straight starting with card number two.

Duncan had one pair, the lowest hand, and so he split the pot with lynnann. Connor sighed and shuffled and dealt. This time, he called the game the "Chicago Taxi" and everyone was whispering prayers to get a spade in their hand, for they were wild. The bat was motionless over the table and Duncan kept eyeing it suspiciously.

�Why isn�t it moving? I know it�s after me next,� he said.

�You�re afraid of an inflatable bat?� asked hayden.

�No, but it�ll make me jump.�

�I think k�lynn went to get a snack,� announced Connor.

�How can you tell?�

�I can�t see her.�

�You can SEE her when she�s invisible?� protested Richie.

�I think Connor and k�lynn have a thing going on,� suggested lynnann. �He always knows where she�s at, somehow.�

Sure enough, the bat commenced it�s wavering and weaving pattern over the table shortly thereafter, ensuring that no immortal knew who exactly would be next. The cards were slowly dealt, with lynnann complaining that there were too many of them to keep track of � as usual. Methos bet. Duncan bet. lynnann bet. Connor folded. The pot of chips in the center grew. Richie complained he was losing his shorts. (hayden looked beneath the table to check and then scowled at him.) Methos bet and raised. Duncan matched and raised again. lynnann bowed out. Methos raised again. So did Duncan. Back to Methos and he called, eyeing his opponent seriously. Duncan grinned and made a great flourish as he went to lay down his cards�

Whap-p! (Everyone jumped!)

�IT MATCHED THE LOVE BEADS,� said the bat.

�Ahr-r-rgh! What the�?� demanded Duncan, rubbing his head. It came away sticky. �What did you put in my hair?�

�She�s eating a mango, I think,� Connor said.

�Love beads?� laughed pacem. �This ought to be candid!�

It took Duncan a few moments to get the mango juice out of his hair, pick up all of his scattered cards, realize that he�d still lost the hand of poker, and refocus on the bat�s question. �What did I buy for Connor back in the sixties as a gag gift? A purple lava lamp.�

�I remember that,� the other Scot chuckled. �I burnt my damn hand on it reaching for my sword one night.�

�It matched those love beads, though.� Duncan was smirking across the table.

�I deny any such beads,� snorted Connor, but he didn�t say anything more because Duncan was waving his finger threateningly at him.

The poker game started again, but with Methos dealing. He obliged lynnann by switching to five-card stud instead. They were four cards apiece into it when�

Whap-p!

�NOT IF I BREAK BOTH OF YOUR KNEECAPS.�

�What did I say to Connor when I caught him trying to filch a drink from my beer dispenser without asking on our vacation?� said Methos.

�I heard that one.� This came from MacNair. �I heard about it for a long time � a loud long time, since he was *smashed* before he went to even filch your brew!�

The game went on. Connor won this one and laughed as he raked the pot over to his side of the table.

Whap-p!

�IT�S IN THE DRYER.�

�In the � dryer?� Connor coughed, shaking his head. �MacNair, you silly bean blossom! Okay, okay�how about � where is the best place to hide Rich�s motorbike keys when you don�t want him to disappear on you?�

�So, you�re the one who steals my keys!� protested Richie.

�We�ll have to find another place to hide them, kinsman,� said Connor over the young immortal�s protest.

�Check.� Duncan was hiding his smirk behind his hand.

�The dryer?� questioned Methos.

�Have you ever seen Richie do any laundry around here?�

�I see your point.�

� ten minutes later �

Whap-p! the bat caught Duncan as he stood up to stretch.

�DAMN, I LIKED THOSE SHOES!�

�What have I *never* said about Connor�s tennies?� he returned without even having to think about it.

�Hey, now�� protested the elder man � and the bat swung after him before he had finished his protest.

Whap-p!

�ASK HIM IF HE�S GOT HAIR.�

�Hey, it was my turn just a moment ago�go pick on Methos and � uh-h.� Connor halted his protest, because it was obvious that the bat wielder was about to whack him again with it.

�What were you thinking, MacNair?� laughed hayden.

�It was late. Lahoffy and I had been partying. Don�t ask.�

Connor thought about this one for quite a while before stating, �What did the priestess Airi Sye Parvati ask her handmaiden to inquire through the door when Methos came calling in his togo after the evening sacrifice?�

�???!!!� said all the CDCers in unison.

�???!!!� said Rich and Duncan.

�How the hell would you know something like that?� exclaimed the ROG. A card escaped his suddenly loosened fingers and fluttered down like a falling leaf.

Connor smiled and tapped one finger against the side of his head.

�O, God!� said Methos, abruptly comprehending. �You tell that Spanish peacock to shut up in there!�

�twelve minutes later, with the clamor still unabated�

�Oh, leave off, will you? The priestesses weren�t lily-white virgins you know. You-all sacrificed virgins one way � we sacrificed virgins a different way back then.� He glowered at them from his corner of the table. �No one could have any hair, though. It was, uhh-h � one of the Holy Edicts.�

�So, like � you were bald?� exclaimed Richie. �Oh, man-n, my mind is so polluted now!�

(The poker game took a break for ten minutes more because no one seemed to be able to focus on his or her cards without giggling.)

� Twenty-two minutes later�

Richie was the next target. The CDC spook must have felt sorry for Methos after the riot she had inadvertently caused.

Whap-p!

�I THINK HIS TURBAN IS TOO TIGHT.�

This utterance, so close upon the last revelation, did not help matters. The poker game was suspended for another ten minutes and Richie never answered the question. This was not a problem since everyone was sure Methos could probably fit into the scenario. The ROG ate chocolate cookies one right after another in defiance and drank another beer.

�Eventually � many minutes later � finally� the poker resumed!

Duncan was the dealer and declared that they would play �The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.� Methos and Connor both laughed, but lynnann and Richie looked confused. Duncan slowly explained the rules as he dealt and put the three marker cards down the middle. When he flipped the first marker over�

Whap-p!

�NO, YOU CANNOT FEEL UP MY KILT!�

~pandemonium~

~spilled drinks~

~dropped cards~

~Connor had to leave the room to blow his nose and wipe his eyes~

~hayden, lynnann and pacem argued that this one should be a, �Say and do the opposite of what the bat says.� They argued most persuasively � and at length. And k�lynn agreed.~

~order was a hard time arriving~

� but � eventually � finally � sadly�

�What do I have to say every time I happen to wear one around here?� stated Duncan firmly. He went back to explaining the rules and dealing the deck�again! The nines ended up being �The Good.� By the time he turned over the next marker card�

Whap-p! (Though, to be accurate, it wasn�t much of a whap at all because Methos was sipping his beer and it was more correctly a whap-p�snoggle�cough kind of sound.)

�YOU DIDN�T EVEN LOOK TO SEE IF IT WAS UNLOADED?�

�What did I yell at Duncan upon reviving when he was inspecting that vintage pistol that we found at Brubaker�s Antique Store out in the middle of nowhere in South Carolina?� proclaimed the ROG emphatically.

�We were drunk, it was 2 am, it was raining, and the door was unlocked!� protested Duncan.

�And then we had to run from old man Brubaker with his shotgun. Come to think of it, he couldn�t hit a passing twelve-horse beer wagon�I think he was drunk too!� added Methos.

(Connor was holding his head.) (Several others were too.)

�The Bad� ended up being a four and there was a collective groan at the table. lynnann muttered most of all and Connor leaned sidelong to whisper, �I�ll help you figure it out.�

�You�ll see my cards,� she protested half-heartedly.

�You�re gambling with my money, so does it matter?�

�I see your point.�

�The Ugly� turned out to be fives � and Richie had to fold because he held two of them. As soon as he moved, however�

Whap-p!

�YES, BUT YOU�RE NOT SUPPOSE TO SQUAT LIKE THAT!�

�What kind of advice do the girls give me in the very wee hours.�

�???!!!!!� said Connor, Duncan and Methos.

�You GO, Richie-babe. You just GO,� said Sheeza. (Other CDCers said much the same thing, only in various forms such as �Woot!� �Hubba, hubba� and �Woo-hoo.�) Richie looked smug and the other immortals looked at him incredulously � then started to laugh.

The poker party went on. The batting went on. The hilarity went on. A common occurrence in the CDC. All was right with the world � except that bald Methos vision�

MacNair
July 14, 2002

No, I don�t know that much about Poker. The muses INSISTED that they had to be playing poker and demanded that I learn a bit. I used: http://home.gci.net/~chilcoot/poker/7stud.htm

Yes, I picked the phrases by watching the scrolling frus and letting the first thing pop into my head. They were all numbered, so when it came time for a Whap-p, I just picked a number off the calendar at random and then looked for what I had written down on my cue cards. (I had to stop a lot to laugh hysterically as well!)

This is HaydenCDC�s fault, I am sure.

Back to The Playroom

Back to the Library

Home