| Part 1: "Coming Out" to myself |
| I've told one version or another of my "coming out" story to friends, roomates, teachers, lovers, and complete strangers. My coming out story is a main topic when i participate in panel discussions. I've told it so many times, the words flow without hesitation. I use the story as tool, to explain part of who i am, to fascilitate discussion, to answer questions and make people laugh. It's the next logical subject of question after someone discoveres i'm queer. "Are you out to your family? When did you come out? How did your family react?" When i say THE coming out story, it is a bit of a mistrepresentation, because, in a way, i am constantly coming out, and will always be coming out, because society assumes we're straight until we specify otherwise, so i must "come out" every time i meet someone new. But for me, coming out to myself and then to then to my parents, were the most difficult coming out. |
| They also expressed concern over AIDS and other risks associated with homosexuality. They were extremely supportive with my brother, attending PFLAG, but i could see it was difficult for them. I had crushes in high school, and was extremely good at checking out "hot" guys. But, i never had anything real. I would read seventeen magazine, sections about how to flirt and it all seemed so silly and unatural. I would watch girls flirting with guys, and it was just something i could not physically do. Whenever i attempted it, i felt like an ass. Senior year i went to prom with Paul Simon (no, not THAT Paul Simon) and we started dating. I was extremely excited, because i was 18, and this was the first time i ever dated anyone (i was begining to think there was something wrong with me!) Paul was nice, inteligence and attractive and i immediately began telling all my friends that i was dating Paul. Around the same time, i was playing in the orchestra pit for my high school musical "Oklahoma." It was then i began spending time with Star, who was a Freshman at Portland State and been hired to play French Horn in the pit. She had been in my youth orchestra, and we had many mutual friends. We hit it off immediately and spent intermissions and breaks together. Although she had a buzzed head and fit many other "stereotypes" it did not occur to me that she was a lesbian. It wasn't until the cast party, where she mentioned going to prom with a girl, that i was suddenly aware. After the show was over, we exchanged numbers and began hanging out around portland. At one point, i had a discussion with a close friend of mine, because i was concerned Star might think we were more than just friends (even though she gave no indications thus) and i was debating making it clear i was straight, and that we were just friends. I began thinking and talking about Star constantly, an even started having dreams about her. When we were hanging out, i would catch myself touching her and flirting. |
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| at a family friend's wedding June 2000 (from left to right) my dad, brother, myself, Star. |
| I was essentially a-sexual throughout highschool. i always expressed my gender in a fairly masculine way: i was a "tomboy" and had short hair from 6th grade on. Even though i fit many "stereotypes" i did not think about the possibility that i was gay. I assumed i was straight because i did not have anything to prove otherwise. The first time i really started thinking about sexual identity was when my younger brother came out, when he was 15 and i was 17. I experienced his coming out from the perspective of my parents. They shared with me their concerns that Devan would face oppression and hatred, that this path in life would be more difficult. |
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At this point, Paul and i had gone out a few times. Our phone conversations were minimal, and i would say to myself "i wish my conversations with Paul were as awesome as my conversations with Star. Also, it was our fourth date, and Paul had yet to kiss me. I was getting fairly frustrated with this (i wanted my first kiss, damnit!) and finally, at the end of one date (being the proactive individual i am) i asked him "are you gonna kiss me or what?" He seemed a bit flustered, but then kissed me. Literally, during the kiss, i thought to myself "hmm, maybe i'm gay." Star hadn't seen a couple of my favorite movies, so i picked her up after orchestra rehersal one saturday, we grabbed the DVDs and came back to my house (my family was out of town for the weekend, i believe) We sat out on the porch and talked for hours. We then sat on the couch watching SouthPark. At one point, she casually placed her hand right next to mine. My first instinct was to wisk my hand away (this would conform with friendship personal space) but something held my hand there. Our pinkies were centimeters away, and i was filled with this incredible tingling heat throughout my entire body. I had never experienced that amount of feeling and energy before in my entire life. I moved my pinky and we were touching. My heart was beating, i could hear it in my ears, but continued eyes glued to the television screen. I felt like i was going to explode. Then, Star grabbed my hand. Again, i wanted to pull back, but i didn't, i couldn't. She masaged my palm with her fingers, and every motion made me forget to breathe. The movie was over and we gathered Star's things so i could take her home. When we got to her place, she leaned over to me and we began kissing. It was the first time i had an extentensive kiss, and i had no idea what to do with my tongue. All that was going through my head was "i'm kissing a girl, i'm kissing a girl, i'm kissing a girl." I had my foot on the break, and didn't even put the car in park. Finally, we say goodbye, and i drove home. |
| Me and Paul, Senior Prom (also seen an my history page) |
"Just a kiss, Just a kiss, i have lived just for this" That night, i did not sleep. I listened to k.d. Lang "how bad could it be, sexuality." i paced and talked to myself in the mirror and wrote and replayed the night over and over in my head, and doubted my feelings, and re-affirmed my feelings. The next day Star and I met to listen to some free jazz music at a bookstore downtown. At first, neither of us brought up the night before. We were very good at talking forever about nothing. Finally, we ditched the jazz and layed in the grass at the waterfront. Star began the conversation "So, last night..." I told her i was so confused, but i knew i had feelings for her, that was the only thing i was sure of. And that i wanted to continue with this, wherever it lead, but, she needed to know that i didn't know what the fuck i was doing, and the last thing in the world i wanted to do was hurt her. And she told me we would figure it out together. We shared each of our unique perspectives of feelings and events of the night before, as well as things leading up to it. Star told me she thought i was cute the moment she saw me in the pit, and had asked our mutual friend (who i had known since elementary school) if was a lesbain. He said he didn't know, but that i had always been "different." Star confessed she had told all her coworkers about me, and how she had a huge crush but wasn't sure if i was gay or not. And then that morning, when she went into work, she showed up blushing and smiling and her coworker knew something was up. she had happily spewed the story. Star and i were together that entire summer before i left for school down in California. Star was my first tingly feeling, my first real kiss, my first love, my first everything, really. And i can't imagine who i would be if she hadn't come into my life at exactly the right moment. |