1999 march 01

the mama

i spent several hours on the phone with my mother this weekend.

she is just back from a visit to germany to see what can be done about her mother, my grandmother. oma will be 81 next month and is finally showing some signs of aging, most notably in her mental attitudes. she has always been stubborn as the proverbial mule but she is becoming almost psychotic once she sets her mind on something. her doctors don't think it is alzheimer's as she has no trouble remembering things, but they aren't willing to rule out senile dementia at this point.

she seems to be convinced everyone is trying to steal from her, including my cousin. this has led to a great deal of tension between her and my uncle so my mother had to fly halfway across the world to try and set things right. you'd think he, the uncle, would be adult enough to see that my grandmother is a little blem-blem, in the idiom of her village, but he is stubborn too and can only see that she is attacking the character of his beloved son. can you tell by my tone that i don't particularly care for either my uncle or my cousin? they are both spoiled brats, arrogant, and have oddly nazi-like sympathies at times.

in any event, it does not appear that we will have to put oma into a assisted care home; she has agreed to let someone in once a day to check on her and help her around the house. we're all relieved about it, especially considering the story of aunt frederika. a few years ago, she had a series of falls and her children finally decided she would be safer in a retirement home. she told them, "if you do that to me, i will die." they did it, and the first night she was in her new room, she laid herself on top of the bed, crossed her arms on her chest, and died.

my oma has promised a similar performance should she ever be moved from her home.

it's made me think about my mother and how i would handle things if she ever needed more care than she could get at home.

my mother is a vibrant overachiever. she works a fulltime job, heads a major research project, volunteers at a variety of hospices and jetsets all over the world keeping track of her children and extended family. she is a fabulous cook and can sew up a storm. she knits, crochets and quilts. she is addicted to outlet malls. she stills sends me cards addressed to hasemops. she daydreams about colorcoordinated gardens she is going to plant when she retires. i cannot imagine her needing someone to take care of her.

she also has a heart condition, a result of surviving a bout of rheumatic fever as a child. she has extremely high blood pressure and chronic migraines. she travels with enough prescription drugs to start her own pharmacy should she crash land in a third world country. her doctors tell her if she doesn't slow down some, and start taking better care of herself, she will most likely die before her time.

i tell her to slow down for my sake if no other, and i think maybe the guilt factor is working, just a little. after this visit of hers to deal with her own mother, i think it may work even better. above all else she still wants to shelter her children from the hardships of the world, and if she can delay our having to make decisions about her care, or about her funeral arrangements, she'll do it.

at least i hope she will.

i want my mommy, claire