1999 february 02

poppin' fresh

americans, north americans, are totally whacked.

i include myself in this collective, not just because i was born here and now live here, but because i too have succumbed, occasionally, to the cult of collectibles. i have six or seven lenox porcelain princesses, several silver dansk animals, even some older hummels. but you will never ever, not in a million years ever, catch me with the pillsbury doughboy calendar figurines.

when i was fourteen, i fancied myself madly in love with a boy who was visiting a friend. he was blonder than blond and as it was winter where he was from and summer where we were, he was whiter than white. not winter white, which might have been appropriate, but casper the friendly ghost white as a freshly bleached sheet white. i don't think i have ever seen someone as white as gilbert spence. i spent the better part of two weeks mooning over the boy, following him around like a dedicated minion, hoping for the scraps of his attention.

i begged my mother to let me go out with him and our mutual friend one night and she said, "you want to go out with that pillsbury doughboy?"

and so ended that crush. no self respecting fourteen year old girl is going to admit a crush on someone referred to as the doughboy.

ever since, i have viewed the actual pillsbury doughboy with some disdain. that cloying giggle, the way his stomach would immediately rebound after someone poked him a lethal poke, his fat little legs... let's face it, he is a little creepy. which is why i could not possibly imagine anyone wanting twelve little figurines of him, one for each month, sitting on their special little shelves that double as a perpetual calendar. i am particularly disturbed by the figure reclining with his legs crossed, wearing sunglasses and sipping from a drink. the sports illustrated cover he is not.

and yet, i am sure there are people, a lot of people, who will pay $16.95 plus $2.95 shipping plus any applicable tax for each one of the little poppin' fresh guys. just as any number of people will order the cats of the world decorative plates, the star wars mugs, the mcdonald's christmas ornaments. the elvis presley coins.

i am such an elitist pig at times.

not quite as fresh as she used to be, claire