1999 january 28

rest in peace

i tell myself i should just get over it, that he wouldn't want me to still hurt this much over a year after his death. i tell myself that he truly believed the crucial part of him would live on after the death of his body so if i could just believe in him and what he believed, maybe i could feel him here with me today and i wouldn't miss him so much. i tell myself i have no right to carry this grief around with me, that he was not my child or my parent or my lover. i tell myself a lot of things, but i don't seem to be listening.

teddy was my best friend. i could tell him anything and often did, and he told me all his deep darks as well. we had a perfunctory attempt at a romantic relationship [it lasted all of one evening] before realizing we just didn't fit together that way. it didn't bother either of us as we fit together so perfectly as friends and it allowed us to bitch and moan and whine and groan about our respective love lives to someone who could give a little perspective from the other side of the gender fence.

when my disaster of a nine year marriage finally broke up, it was teddy who consoled me, took me out for thai food, then got me stoned and took me to the carnival. it was the perfect thing to do; i spent the night laughing wildly and riding the merry-go-round over and over again. and that pirate ship thing! the one that swings back and forth gradually swinging higher and higher. i remember throwing my head back, feeling the air rush through my hair, the force of the motion pressing me hard against the seat; i felt free, i felt happy, i felt like a four year old on the playground again. when i was dumped by my fiance, it was ted who dragged me to a pig roast, rightfully thinking the sight of that monstrosity on a spit would be enough to jar me out of my almost suicidal depression.

"men are pigs. just take a good gander at that thing, would you really want to be married to it?"

i'm sad he never got to meet gene. actually, he most likely would have annoyed gene at first, what with his constant babbling and his conspiracy theories and his grandiose dreams and plans. gene is a quiet man, while ted was loud. but i expect eventually gene would have come to love him as much as i did, as much as i do. would have loved his sense of humour and his quick, sarcastic wit, his love of art and the word. i have no doubt ted would have loved gene, simply because he loved anyone who made me happy.

today i will call jerry and joy, if they don't call me first. alan and kay will call, if i don't call them first. none of us will mention ted, we'll just chitchat about our jobs and our plans for the weekend, but we'll all know why we felt the need to touch base today of all days. ted was the link that brought us all together; it was his true talent, the ability to know which of his friends should meet which others. we were a close knit group before his death, but we are even closer today. it is his legacy, this circle of our friendship, and none of us will ever break it.

still mourning, claire