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1998 october 19 it's not easy being greeni have pretensions of greendom. did i mention that gene moved in not too long ago? it is a wonderful thing but it is forcing me to confront my box fetish; i cannot bear to throw out a box. i might need it. it might be the perfect size in which to enclose christmas presents destined for south america. if i decide to break down and upgrade from condominium to house, i might need all of them to move the tons of crap i have managed to accumulate so far in this life. all that is fine and good but when you need closet space, you need closet space. the boxes must go. i have recycling in the community where i live and i am rather fanatic about taking advantage of it. i tear the paper labels off of everything and put them in the mixed paper container. i rip out the little bits of cellophane from all the windows in the envelopes that arrive in the mail each month, rip off the plastic self stick stamps too and into the recycling go those envelopes. tin cans, soda cans, milk jugs -- all rinsed and recycled. newspapers, telephone bills (after i've shredded them of course, no one needs to know who i am calling) old printed out emails (ditto the shred action) -- all end up in the recycling. in a good month, i only have to take out one bag of actual garbage. but these boxes, these damned bloody covered in strapping tape and clear tape and stickers and stamps and ups invoice pockets boxes, these boxes are almost enough to break the green me. yesterday afternoon i spent what felt like an eternity ripping the offending bits off cardboard boxes. cut myself with strapping tape fibers, ended up with red swollen hands and a runny nose from all the cardboard dust i generated. halfway through i thought, "fuck it. i'm just throwing them in the dumpster." i couldn't quite live with that so i revised the thought to, "fuck it, i'm just flattening them out and throwing them in the recycling anyhow. i'm sure it won't really matter." couldn't live with that either. why not? is it the thought of improving the world i live in that keeps me recycling? or is it just plain old fashioned guilt? sad to say, i think it's the guilt. guilt is a big motivator in my life. well, guilt and fear. that sounds bad. actually, that sounds pathetic. but take just a minute, and evaluate your own actions and rationales. amazing how much guilt and fear seem to pop out of the woodwork. i do this because i am afraid of what will happen if i don't. i do that because i feel guilty that someone else may have to do it if i don't. i do the other because i am afraid that i will feel guilty if i don't. what a nutcase. i do however eat godiva chocolates just because they make me happy, so maybe i am not as bad as i think. heading for the recycling bin, claire
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