Those present were the President, Vice President, Assistant President and Treasurer. As we were one short of quorum the President and Vice President granted honorary membership to the Vice President's mop.
Apologies for absence were received from the pope, Dalai Lama and lassie the wonder dog.
The President and the Vice President looned a lot and had a duel with baguettes (honour was satisfied). As per standing regulations all officers made their reports and insulted each other whilst wearing silly hats, the society toast (death or loonery) was drunk, lots of motions were voted on most of which got more votes in favour than against but the president declared them defeated anyway because he felt like it. The Vice President was thanked for hosting the meeting, doing the cooking and not giving anybody food poisoning
Recording from the first CLOTS meeting
Those present were the President, Vice President, Treasurer, Secretary and Deputy Assistant President.
The President was so disturbed by the fact that we had quorum that he interpreted 5 as 6 in the constitution to make us in-quorate then gave honorary membership to one of the Vice President’s hats to make us requorate.
Apologies for absence were received from His Majesty King Olav the Hairy of the Vikings, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men and Lassie the Wonder Dog.
As this was the second consecutive meeting at which Lassie the Wonder Dog was absent the President has since expelled Lassie from the Society.
The meeting opened with officers’ reports at which all members present attempted to insult the President. Motions were discussed and voted on with the President rejecting everything regardless of votes for and against. The banner was unveiled and all those present were most impressed. The Gnome / Mother Under Duress was officially thanked for her hard work. The Vice President was thanked for hosting the meeting and for making something with chocolate in it. The meeting was adjourned when everyone got bored and wanted to go to the pub.
In attendance:
The President
The Vice President
The Treasurer
The Secretary
The Deputy Assistant
President
Apologies
The Treasurer
The Chief Chicken Slaughterer
The Assistant President
The Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
The Other Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
Stalin
Elizabeth the Second by the grace of god of the United Kingdom and Great Britain and Northern Ireland and all her other realms and territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith
Pope John Paul II
Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat
Mr B. A. Barabbas
The Meeting was opened at 8:37pm
The President read the list of apologies for absence. The Deputy Assistant President inquired as to whether Her Majesty The Queen had an infectious illness or an exam as her excuse for non-attendance. The President replied that she did not and proceeded to fine Her Majesty the sum of One Groat. The Secretary was mandated to write and inform Her Majesty of this.
The President recited the society creed
All officers made their reports and insulted Mr Richard Coates. The Secretary regaled the meeting with an amusing story as to how Mr Coates ended up taking his first bath in many a year. The Secretary further informed the meeting why Mr Coates was like a Kit Kat. The Deputy Assistant President recounted an election night conversation in which he convinced Mr Coates that he was about to be kicked out of Exeter college. All present agreed that this was a fine story to tell Mr Coates but would have been even better were it true.
The President proposed the following constitutional amendment
Section 2
Membership
The following shall be ex-officio honorary members of the society The President & Officers of the Oxford Union Elected Members of Standing Committee of the Oxford Union The Greyhound of the Oxford Union The President & Sabbatical Officers of OUSU The editors of OxStu and Cherwell The monarch of Great Britain The President of Russia All cats belonging to the 'Mollycoddler of the Cat' and mollycoddled by him in the course of his official duties
Honorary membership shall continue even when the conditions above are no longer met. Honorary members created under this clause shall no rights to speak, vote or remain anonymous. They shall be informed of their membership immediately following their election / appointment by letter from the President and Vice President copied to the Oxford Student and Cherwell newspapers. Those currently in office and qualifying under 2a)(i) shall be informed immediately that this amendment is passed.
This amendment shall take effect from Monday, 9th Week, Trinity 2000
The Secretary objected to this motion on the grounds that Her Majesty the Queen, qualifying for obligatory membership under section ix) had an outstanding fine. However The Deputy Assistant President pointed out that Her Majesty was only a member in her capacity as monarch and that therefore section ix) must stand in order to allow her successors to enjoy the benefits of society membership.
The President added that he had intended to add all Lairds of Camster to the list until he had discovered that there were 1000s of them. The Deputy Assistant President pointed out that if OxStu was to believed The Secretary (Laird of Camster) might one day qualify as the British Monarch. The Secretary proceeded to read the OxStu article in question to the amusement of all present. The Motion was carried nem con iv) Ordinary Motions
The President proposed the following motion:
The Society Notes
Ben Seifert is not nice
The Society therefore resolves
1. To pronounce a fatwa on Ben Seifert
The Society Loons
The Deputy Assistant President proposed an amendment to insert:
Resolves 2 ‘To mandate the Secretary to write to the OUSU President-Elect inquiring as to whether the assassination of Mr Seifert would involve the society in a breach of the no-platform motion’
Amendment passed nem con
The President proposed an amendment to insert:
Resolves 3 ‘Not to weep for Ben Seifert’
Amendment passed nem con
Motion passed nem con
The President proposed the following motion:
The Society Notes
The Deputy Assistant President is soon to bid farewell to Statu Pupillari and will therefore be ineligible for ordinary society membership
The distinguished efforts put forward by the Deputy Assistant President to advance the causes of constructive loonery
The Society Therefore resolves:
To make Mr John Dominic Courouble, Deputy Assistant President, Campion Hall, an honorary life member of the society.
The Society Loons
Motion passed nem con
The Treasurer left the room
The Deputy Assistant President proposed an amendment to make the Treasurer the society’s official Chief Gimp.
Motion passed nem con
The Treasurer re-entered the room and was unable to understand why everyone was laughing
The Treasurer read out the budget, which the President had written for him.
The budget was passed nem con
All officers were re-nominated for their current posts and re-elected.
The Deputy Assistant President attempted to nominate alternative candidates, The President ignored him. The Deputy Assistant President moved to overturn the ruling of the chair. The President then proposed to overturn the ruling of the Deputy Assistant President. The Deputy Assistant President voted for this motion before realising that he had been made to look like a spoon.
War was declared on this foul scourge
The meeting was moved in camera to annoy anyone who is reading these minutes and wants to know what the society is up to
The Traditional toast was drunk using the very fine Port provided by The Secretary
The meeting was closed at 9:39pm
In attendance:
The President
The Vice President
The Treasurer
The Secretary
The Deputy Assistant
President
Meeting opened at 9:56pm
The President recalled that constitutional amendment required two readings. He therefore proposed to pass the second reading of the motion on ex-officio membership.
The motion was passed nem con.
Meeting closed at 9:57pm
In Attendance
The President
The Vice President
The Secretary
The Deputy Assistant
President
Apologies
The Treasurer
The Assistant President
The Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
The Other Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
Muhammad Al Fayed
Elizabeth the Second by the grace of god of the United Kingdom and Great Britain and Northern Ireland and all her other realms and territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Gentleman The Queen
The meeting was opened at 8:38pm
Quorum was not met and thus a random Housemate of the Vice President was appointed a temporary member
The President recited the society creed
The Secretary probably objected but I was too busy pouring myself a port
Complainant:
The President
Defendant:
Elizabeth the Second by the grace of god of the United Kingdom and Great Britain and Northern Ireland and all her other realms and territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Gentlemen, The Queen
Case:
Elizabeth the Second by the grace of god of the United Kingdom and Great Britain and Northern Ireland and all her other realms and territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Gentlemen, the Queen! (hereafter know as the defendant) failed to Attend a society meeting and as such was fined 1 groat.
The Defendant Having failed to pay the fine within 8 minutes it rose by 10% to 4.4d.
The defendant has still not paid this fine and it is therefore the sad duty of the President to recommend The Defendant’s immediate expulsion from the society.
The Secretary objected on the grounds that Her Alleged Majesty should never have been a member being as she was not the true monarch of Great Britain.
The President, with a due sense of dread, enquired who was.
The Secretary replied that it was Francis II King of England Scotland and Ireland, Prince of Cornwall and Rothsay, Duke of Bavaria.
The President decided to pursue the matter at hand anyway pending an investigation.
All members voted to support the charges and expel Her Provisional Majesty excepting the Secretary who abstained.
All Officers made their reports and insulted the President. Except the President.
The Society Notes:
That CLOTS is an altogether too short name for such a noble and mad society
The Society Therefore Resolves:
To rename the society ‘The Constructive Loonery Organisation Type Society in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning, is now and always shall be world without end’
The Secretary and Deputy Assistant President couldn’t be bothered remembering such a long name and the motion was withdrawn. The Secretary and Deputy Assistant President then decided to abandon the agenda and focus instead on double entendres about the alleged relationship between the Vice President and the Assistant President. The Vice President commented that ‘Francis never comes’ to the merriment of everyone else.
The Society Loons.
The President decided that going in camera is undemocratic and irritates people who want to find out what the society is up to in the interests of openness and accountability.
The meeting was thus moved in camera.
It was agreed that whilst the Morning Loon is a splendid publication now was not the time to put it up in all lodges in Oxford. Mainly because no-one could be arsed.
The Society Notes:
The Freshers tend to be an altogether too sane breed
The Society Therefore Resolves:
To mandate the Treasurer to research various methods of mind manipulation with a few to forcing unwilling Freshers to do our evil bidding
The Society Loons.
All members agreed to search for appropriately qualified Freshers to join the society.
The motion was passed nem con.
Secretary to report on whether assassinating the Chief Fuckwit, Ex-President, St Peter’s would be a breach of no platform
This item was laid on the table as the Secretary had not yet investigated the matter.
All members were re-elected to their current positions
More double entendres were made which I’d love to print except the Vice President would probably have me disembowelled. On second thoughts, she’d do it herself. Use your imagination about the afore-mentioned entendres and watch out for a mad loon trying to disembowel you.
Was drunk as were most members present.
Meeting Closed at 9:54pm
In Attendance:
The President
The Vice President
The Secretary
The Chief Chicken Slaughterer
The Deputy Assistant President
The Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
Apologies:
The Treasurer
The Assistant President
The Other Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
His Majesty Francis II, King of England, Scotland and Ireland, Prince of Cornwall and Rothsay, Duke of Bavaria, Gentlemen the King
Mr G W Bush
Mr A Gore
His Majesty King Zog of Albania
The Meeting was opened at 8:42pm
The President announced that following an extensive investigation comprising a brief drunken history lesson from the Secretary the society no longer recognised Elizabeth II as Monarch of Great Britain etc. Instead the society will recognise Francis II King of England Scotland and Ireland, Prince of Cornwall and Rothsay, Duke of Bavaria who thus takes his place as a ex-officio member as per the constitution.
The Treasurer sent apologies on account of being involved in some tribunally thing.
The Secretary pointed out the importance of the tribunally thing given that it could lead to the suspension from the Oxford Union Society of the Ex-President Chief Fuckwit St Peter’s. All those present agreed that this was a worthy goal.
Mr Bush and Mr Gore sent apologies on account of being involved in some electionany thing. The President decided that being American the gentleman in question undoubtedly had an infectious disease.
King Zog sent apologies on account of being dead. Being dead was declared to not be an acceptable excuse for non-attendance and thus His Majesty was fined 1 groat.
The President recited the society creed
Had not been written and thus in the interests of democracy it was decided that the proper thing to do would be to postpone this item. The President then recalled that he now held an OUSU position and thus decided to pass the non-existent minutes anyway
All Officers made their reports and insulted Mr Sacha Ismail.
The Deputy Assistant President commented that his complete lack of seniority was ‘pants’
Mr Thomas Pitcaithly, Balliol
In Favour 5
Against 1
Abstentions 0
Passed
Mr Hugh Hill, Mansfield
In Favour 1
Against 3
Abstentions 2
Rejected
Mr R Adam Storch, University
Proposed Vice President
Seconded Secretary
In Favour 2
Against 4
Abstentions 0
Rejected
Mr Winton d’St John Price, College Unknown
Proposed Vice President
Seconded Deputy Assistant President
In Favour 2
Against 1
Abstentions 3
Rejected
The Society Notes:
The results of the recent OUSU elections
The Society Gloats
Proposed President
The Secretary objected on the grounds that Mr Ismail’s defeat meant that OUSU was not going to implode and was therefore nothing to gloat over.
The motion was passed with 1 dissenting vote
The Society Notes
The result of the recent Balliol JCR Elections
The Society Believes:
That the members of Balliol JCR are clearly unfit to exercise democracy
The Society Therefore Resolves:
To abolish democracy in Balliol JCR
To send in the tanks
To appoint Mr Edmund Harbord & Mr Vadim Myslov Joint Presidents, Mr Adam Killeya, Mr Foody and Mr Thomas Pitcaithly OUSU rep of said JCR
Proposed President
An amendment was framed to add all other members of the Society to the JCR committee and the motion was passed nem con.
The Invasion will go ahead as soon as the President can find some tanks.
The Society Notes:
The OxStu mings
The Society therefore resolves:
To mandate the Secretary to draft a letter to the OxStu to this effect to be signed by all member of the society
To boycott the OxStu and to cancel its current order of 0 copies
To withdraw the society’s OUSU subs of approximately £0.00
Proposed President
The motion was passed nem con and the letter composed.
The loyal toast was drunk.
Meeting closed 9:20pm, all members dispersed to the union to watch the fun
In Attendance
The President
The Vice President
The Secretary
The 3rd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
Apologies for Absence
The Chief Chicken Slaughterer
The Assistant President
The Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
The 2nd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
His Majesty Francis II, King of England, Scotland and Ireland, Prince of Cornwall and Rothsay, Duke of Bavaria, Gentlemen the King
Bob The Builder
Nellie The Elephant
King Zog of Albania
Apologies sent for Attendance but didn’t turn up anyway:
The Treasurer
Apologies for Existence
The Ex President Chief Fuckwit, St Peter’s
Meeting opened 8:41pm
As ever The President recited the society creed
Complainant:
The Chief Fuckwit, Ex President, St Peters
Defendant:
Some bloke fighting an election against his mate
Case:
Some bloke fighting an election against his mate sent someone an email. Which isn’t fair.
The complaint was dismissed.
The President and the Deputy Assistant President both moved for a finding of frivolous and malicious complaint against the Chief Fuckwit, Ex President, St Peters.
The motion was upheld unanimously and the Chief Fuckwit, Ex President, St Peters was stripped of his seniority.
Henceforth he shall be known as the Chief Fuckwit, Ex-Ex President, St Peters
Had once again not been written as nothing really that important happens, nobody ever reads them and nobody can be arsed writing them
The President asked for nominations for insults. The Deputy Assistant President nominated Miss Kirsty McNeil. All members made their reports and insulted Miss Kirsty McNeil.
The Deputy Assistant President once again commented that his lack of seniority was pants.The President informed him that if he read the agenda he would see that there was a proposal to deal with this. The Deputy Assistant President asked why the President would never let anyone else read the agenda. The President replied that it was to enable him to revel in his own importance.
The New additions to the Ex-Officio membership list were noted. All members present rejected the idea of making Mr George Callaghan a member of the society - The President pointed out that he was already an Ex-Officio member on account of being on The Standing Committee of another place
Was approved by all present. The Deputy Assistant President commended the introduction of a Cat orientated event.
The Society Notes:
The Deputy Assistant President’s comment at our last meeting that ‘my complete lack of seniority is pants’
The seniority currently bears little or no relation to who actually shows up to meeting
That attendance at meetings has been as follows:
President 6
Vice President & President-Elect 6
Treasurer 4
Secretary 5
Deputy Assistant President 5
Chief Chicken Slaughterer & Keeper of the tweed 1
Assistant President, 1
Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol 1
The 2nd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol 0
The 3rd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol 0
The Sub Deputy Assistant President from wherever 0
The Society Therefore Resolves:
To reconstitute the Order of Executive Seniority to take Notes 3 into account Such that:
The Deputy Assistant President shall be Treasurer
The Treasurer shall be Chief Chicken Slaughterer
The Chief Chicken Slaughterer shall be the Assistant President
The 1st Sub Deputy Assistant President Balliol shall be the Deputy Assistant President
The Assistant President shall be the Sub Deputy Assistant President, St Hugh’s
The Society Loons.
The Deputy Assistant President argued persuasively that his was too stupid to remember all the re-jigged titles.
An amendment was framed to keep titles the same and re-jig their order of importance instead.
The amendment and the amended motion were passed nem-con.
The new order of seniority is as follows.
President
Senior Member
Vice President & President-Elect
Deputy Assistant President
Secretary
Treasurer
Chief Chicken Slaughterer
Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
Assistant President,
The 2nd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
The 3rd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol
The Society Notes:
OUSU
The Society therefore resolves:
To make rude noises in OUSU’s general direction
The Society Loons
Proposed President
The Vice President noted that many (2) elected OUSU officials were fine upstanding individuals. The President noted that he and the VP were also elected OUSU officials.
The motion was passed nem con
The meeting was adjourned upstairs in the Deputy Assistant President’s residence.
The Deputy Assistant President proposed speaking rights for Emily his housemate. This was approved nem con
The Society Notes:
The current world shortage of Toilet Paper due to the recent crisis in the Bolivian Basket Weaving Industry
That the Oxford Student has many fine qualities. Notably that it is strong, resilient and thoroughly absorbent
Society Therefore resolves:
To write to the editor of the Oxford Student recommending that he make appropriate use of his newspaper to solve the crisis outlined in Notes 1
The Society Loons
The motion was passed nem con despite worries that the motion would be seen as demeaning to toilet paper.
Was drunk with port after the VP was instructed in the proper direction in which to pass it.
The President decided to declare a People’s Democratic Soviet Socialist Grand Duchy of CLOTS. His Majesty Simpkin I was installed as Grand Duke. The President and Vice President were appointed Lord Co-Regents.
Using his powers as Lord Co-Regent the President declared the Vice President and Deputy Assistant President to be married and created them Marquis and Marchioness of Courouble.
The Most Honourable Marchioness of Courouble & Vice President was not amused and preceded to hit the President several times with a pillow
The Most Honourable Marquis of Courouble & Deputy Assistant President and Her Grace the Duchess Emily of Old Compton Street took pictures. The Right Honourable Thomas, 22nd Earl of Trousers & Pitcaithly & 3rd Sub Deputy Assistant President, Balliol went off to the bathroom to throw up.
The Most Honourable Marchioness of Courouble & Vice President hit the President with the pillow several more times.
The Most Honourable Marquis of Courouble & Deputy Assistant President showed The Most Honourable Marchioness of Courouble & Vice President the pictures he had taken of her hitting the President with the pillow the first time.
The Most Honourable Marchioness of Courouble & Vice President hit The Most Honourable Marquis of Courouble & Deputy Assistant President with the pillow.
Meeting Closed 10:05pm