Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

Roses are reddish

   Violets are bluish

   If it weren't for Christmas

   We'd all be Jewish.

That’s what show business is sincere insincerity.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Nothing succeeds like a canary with no teeth.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs, a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I'm not against half-naked girls...well, not as often as I'd like to be.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Getting married is like burning down your house to get a piece of toast.