The life of an extremely symmetrically long-fumed Betta Splendens isn't easy let me tell you! The days are just packed with activities in my spacious one- gallon "bar-helor jar". A leisurely swim around my Java fem garden to start with, and then my daily flaring workout with that foppish double-Wed red neighbor of mine. Gosh, I hate that guy. Of course, I hate all guys. Then, of course, there's eating and pooping.
My owner is this goofy- looking, very short-finned (can't even see 'em) human. Definitely pet store quality, if you ask me. He feeds me well, though I don't appreciate being shipped in a baggie all over the place during show season. Well, after taking Reserve Best of Show Male at convention, he starts giving me funny looks, the kind that say "maybe I should breed you". My response? HLTBBA HUBBA!
Next thing I know, I'm in a 5-gallon tank, very posh and roomy. So I think, what's next? Well, in goes a coffee cup cut lengthwise and I start salivating; don't know why really, just a man thing, I guess. So what appears on the other side of the tank but one of the most gorgeous ladies I have ever seen! I swim over at about 1000 miles per hour, promptly bumping my nose on some glass partition! Talk about your sexual frustration!
Well, that saucy flirt start wiggling around and getting all striped, I know I'm getting her hot! I do my special little dance I've been practicing for just such an occasion and man, does she dig it! I remember the coffee cup, and I build the biggest bubble nest you ever saw (I was always very handy). I adniire my bubble artistry, popping back now and then to see Miss Mate-With-Me- Now just to keep her interest. By
My,, These Eggs Are Delicious!
By Longfin IV
now, my nose is all raw and sore, and I'm getting a little annoyed. I mean, really! What's a guy got to do to get a little action around here?
Well, I'm moping around the nest, and sure enough, the impudent little floozy swims right up to me! I'm like; let's get it on! I chase her around the place until I'm dizzy, nipping a piece of tail here and there. That's what I'm here for, right? Finally, she's ready to rock and roll, and I give her the squeezing of her life! I mean this babe was catatonic by the time we were done and eggs? Gazillions of them!
Did I mention eggs? I couldn't resist putting a bunch of them in my mouth. I knew I was supposed to do something with them, but I couldn't remember what. So there I am, floating with a mouthful of eggs like some retardo mouthbrooder, and I hiccup! A few went down my throat, and guess what? THEY WERE THE MOST DELICIOUS THINGS I HAD EVER TASTED! Full of wholesome eggy goodness! I'm thinking, I gotta get me some more of these!
Well, they're all over the floor, so I just help myself. One time that insolent wench came over for a few and I chased her the heck off my turf. She disappeared after that, go figure some broads! I ate so many eggs that I had to flare 24 hours a day for a week to work it off! But dam, those eggs were just scrumptious!
Well, Mr. non-show quality human pops in and I thought he would have a heart attack! He was just one big frown and my, did he have a potty mouth! Blankety blank this, blankety blank that. So he puts me back in my bachelor ja.r, and now I strut around, Mr. Sexually Experienced extremely symmetrically            long-finned champion show Betta. I know he'll breed me again; he's the persistent type.
And let me he does, because my next batch of
Flare!

Longfln IV is a syndicated columnist for over 250 anabantid publications and whose columns are   translated  into    Human English by Joe Becerra of the Everglades Betta Society.
teU you, I hope I can't wait to eat eggs! YUM!

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NPA--" q
MarchlApril & MaylJune 2001