*Note from the web apprentice:
Risque jokes are at the bottom of this page. Jokes with risque graphics
will be listed last, in order to make it easier to dissern tasteful jokes,
from those which aren't.
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QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
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ONE LINER JOKES
5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.
~~~~~
Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
*********************************************************************
MARRIAGE - BEFORE AND AFTER
During a recent publicity outing, Christy sneaked
off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy
way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her.
"Will I be acquitted?"
*********************************************************************
"Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man
armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop
the banana; second, you eat the banana, thus disarming
him. You have now rendered him helpless."
- Monty Python
*********************************************************************
WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
*********************************************************************
Homer Simpson (giving a lecture on marriage):
"What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding
as 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden.'"
*********************************************************************
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly, obviously feeling down
in the dumps. The bartender asked, "What's the matter?
Having troubles with your wife?"
The man replied, "We had a fight, and she told me she
wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender asked, "Don't take this the wrong way,
but shouldn't that make you happy?"
The man replied, "Not if the month is up today!"
*********************************************************************
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't
pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
- Henry Youngman
*********************************************************************
It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The
thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States
running for an elective office is truly amazing.
In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!"
bumper sticker on his or her car.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.
*********************************************************************
"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
*********************************************************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood
there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
*********************************************************************
"Then the insurance man told me that the accident policy
covered falling off the roof but not hitting the ground."
- Tommy Cooper
*********************************************************************
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn
right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard
the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
*********************************************************************
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I
say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I
saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'"
- Steven Wright
*********************************************************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour
long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a
new pilot."
*********************************************************************
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cock pit. Now it's the box office."
*********************************************************************
Bill and his fiancee Mary met with the minister of the
church to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Mary, "we wonder if we could make a change
in the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done.
What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Mary, "we'd like to alter the 'until death
do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for
early withdrawal.' "
*********************************************************************
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home
but that it'll cost over $5000.00, whereas they can bury her in the Holy
Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?
That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago a man was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
*********************************************************************
"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his
first name was Always."
- Rita Rudner
*********************************************************************
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for
you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it
wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your
partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of
the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
*********************************************************************
"Peterson's defense lawyer Mark Geragos has argued in court
that just because a man cheats on his wife doesn't make him
a killer. Which is true. In fact, it's just the opposite.
It usually makes the wife a killer."
- Jay Leno
*********************************************************************
My mom admitted to being a less than
fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from
work, walked into the kitchen and said,
"You know, dear, I can write my name
in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied,
"Yes, darling, that's why I married
a college graduate."
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told
him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- Rodney Dangerfield
*********************************************************************
A man hit his ball into the bunker and looked down and
saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a Genie popped out.
The Genie said, "Look, I'm very busy so I'm going to grant
you only one wish so make it good."
The man said, "I'm afraid of flying so I'd like you to build
an overseas bridge to Hawaii." The Genie said, "Do you
realize how incredibly difficult that would be. I'm
powerful but I can't do that. Make another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'd like to know how a woman's
brain works."
The Genie said, "Do you want that bridge
two lanes or four?"
*********************************************************************
*********************************************************************
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it
consists principally of dealing with men.
- Joseph Conrad
*********************************************************************
The wife of a prisoner wrote her husband and complained to
him for getting locked up and leaving her with all the farm
duties to do by herself. She was particularly upset that she
would have to plow a 40 acre field to plant the potatoes.
The prisoner wrote back telling her not to plow the field
because he had hidden money there.
Later, he received a letter from his wife saying his mail
must be censored because the sheriff and his deputies
were out to the farm digging through the field but not
finding anything. She asked what she should do next.
He answered, "Plant the potatoes."
*********************************************************************
"The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for
marriage. Married people apparently had been paying
more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is
a penalty in itself."
- Bill Maher
*********************************************************************
A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story.
"Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of golf on
Father’s Day. She teed off and we watched her ball head
straight into a pasture of cows. We walk over to look for
it. As I looked around I saw something white on the rear
end of a cow, I walk over and sure enough, there's my
wife's ball stuck right in the middle of the cows butt.
So I lift up the tail, and scream to my wife, hey this
looks like yours!
*********************************************************************
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LIFE IN GENERAL
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
- F. P. Jones
*********************************************************************
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. (Harvey Mackay)
*********************************************************************
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
*********************************************************************
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
*********************************************************************
Noah in America
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and
overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans, thy sons and their wives."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard--but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. "I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated
the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that
the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no
go!
"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. They argued the accommodation was too
restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses
to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.
Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA
as inimical to the environment.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the
superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except
for private structures less than 5 cubits..
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me
to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Cheryl
*********************************************************************
...here they are...
*********************************************************************
...don't say you haven't been warned...
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YES, HERE THEY ARE, THE TRUELY RISQUE ONES ON THIS SITE!!!
*********************************************************************
Blondes in a Bikini Contest
(Can you notice what only the blondes are doing wrong?)
*********************************************************************
A little old man shuffled.......
slooooowly into an ice cream parlor,
pulled himself............... slooooooowly......... painfully...........
up onto a stool.
After catching his breath..............................
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
*********************************************************************
In an elementary school science class four worms were placed into four
separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second
worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into
a condom. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in condom - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this
experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
*********************************************************************
To get really funny videos each day, sign up at this site. Most Web Based
e-mail won't allow these to be forwarded. Be sure to watch Redneck Surfing.
Why would anybody do that??? Twins, it looks like your buddy.
[email protected]
*********************************************************************
POLITICAL JOKES
How To Do Business
Eat and drink with your relatives; do business with strangers.
- Greek Proverb
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
English Lesson: Cutting Cheese means passing gas.
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's - And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? ...Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender - Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al GoreInventionMuseum.
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
&
The District of Columbia
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported knickers. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."
*********************************************************************
Organized people are just too lazy to look for anything!"
*********************************************************************
ONE LINERS FROM WOMEN
*************************************************************************
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride.
- Roseanne Barr
*************************************************************************
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson
*************************************************************************
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner
*************************************************************************
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
*********************************************************************
BLOND JOKES
*********************************************************************
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well
over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel,
"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
***
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde
- Dolly Parton
*********************************************************************
Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."
After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for
the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting
51 days. Why?"
The blondes stop chanting and look up.
"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."
"So. What does that have to do with anything?"
the bartender asked.
"Well the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"
*********************************************************************
To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting
on his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget
cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just
one chair."
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the
basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband
curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened
me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
*********************************************************************
Two little kids are in a hospital, each lying on gurneys next to each
other outside an operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoaaaa -- good luck buddy. I
had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.
*********************************************************************
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
huge black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says.
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pounds per testicle,
Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and, shaking him manages to brings him to.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guys says, "Turner Brown?! ... Whew, Thank God! I thought you
said "Turn around!"
*********************************************************************
"There's only ten commandments. That's nice for [Moses],
because there's hundreds of things you're not supposed to
do. Why is there only ten commandments? ... Maybe God had
pity on Moses because Moses had a bad back. 'See these
heavy tablets, Moses? Just bring a few down.'"
- Arthur Brown
*********************************************************************
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day
when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair
shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was
over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to
remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up
a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the
shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He
went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the
store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man
behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the
man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific!
Who would have thought they'd still be here after
all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
*********************************************************************
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and
her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them
to her dad."
- Christopher Case
*********************************************************************
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix
airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.
The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their
seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour
later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take
advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down
grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If
there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like
to volunteer, please step forward..."
*********************************************************************
"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years
she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found."
- Calvin Trillin
*********************************************************************
Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But
one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His
friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old
friend?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,
an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew
kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free
and clear."
"Sounds like you should be grateful..."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my
great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter
of a million."
Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look
so glum?"
"This week... nothing!"
*********************************************************************
"I realize that there are certain hardships that only
females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines
for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic
obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach
emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are
no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent
public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to
derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s."
- Dave Barry
*********************************************************************
A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies
were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions,
so they were named Forward and Away. Years later the
fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.
Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband
plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that
during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish.
He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish
pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him
again. "That's just terrible his wife said.
"It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But
you should have seen the one that got Away!"
*********************************************************************
"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake those, you've got it made."
- Groucho Marx
*********************************************************************
THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES. . .
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in the Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
*********************************************************************
"For birth control, I rely on my personality."
- Milt Abel
*********************************************************************
I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer
party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat
boys and soon discovered she was pregnant.
After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about
her experience, which she chose to call:
"From Beer to Maternity"
*********************************************************************
Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make
it
happen. � Michael Jordan, Legendary American Basketball Player
*********************************************************************
"A group of 80's rock stars are getting together for a
concert to support John Kerry. It's not going well though
Kerry and Edwards are already three points down to Hall
and Oates."
- Craig Kilborn
*********************************************************************
Carrying her newborn in her arms, Joan got on the bus. The
driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Joan
slammed her money into the fare box and took a seat at the
rear of the bus.
The man next to her asked what was wrong. "The bus driver
was rude to me!" she complained.
"That's outrageous," said the man. "He shouldn't be
insulting passengers."
"I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind,"
Joan said.
"Good idea," agreed the man. "I'll hold your monkey
for you."
*********************************************************************
"The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the
Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct."
- William White
*********************************************************************
The hillbilly woman went to the hospital to have her
first child. A year later she was back for a second
child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was
back for her third child. The hospital staff naturally
began to expect her, and she was there, just like
clockwork.
In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff
wondered what happened... A couple of years later she
shows up, but she's not pregnant. The hospital staff
wondered what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby
the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more.
Found out what was causin' it."
*********************************************************************
"While it may be true that the quickest way to a man's
heart is through his stomach, sometimes it can be much
more satisfying hacking your way through the rib cage."
- Cara-Beth Lillback
*********************************************************************
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked
after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful
satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said.
"Please bring up a postcard."
*********************************************************************
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a
guy who's only read two."
- George Burns
*********************************************************************
"The birthday of Elvis is this weekend. He would have
been 71. Elvis and I have a lot in common. We both
performed here on the Ed Sullivan Theater, and
rumor has it that we're both still alive."
- David Letterman
*********************************************************************
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue
their nuclear research program. In fact, France and
Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their
program they would, you know, warn them again."
- Jay Leno
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"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be
be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
- Henry Youngman
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"The length of a film should be directly related to the
endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock
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"Spring training has begun for Major League Baseball.
Steroids are the big issue right now in baseball and
Congress has subpoenaed several players for a hearing.
They subpoenaed Jason Giambi, Sammy Sosa,
Curt Shilling and Janet Reno."
- David Letterman
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"The State of California has ruled that the ban on gay
marriage is unconstitutional. So congratulations to gay
people - you're about to find out the joys of alimony."
- Craig Ferguson
*********************************************************************
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
- Dave Barry
*********************************************************************
"President Clinton is back in his home. It's interesting
when you think about it -- he had to have all this work
done on his heart. I mean, who would have thought
that would be the first organ to give out?"
- David Letterman
*********************************************************************
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo.
They thanked him for returning me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
*********************************************************************
"The Congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday
heard the testimony of six major league players including
see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English."
- Amy Poehler
*********************************************************************
"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are
blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches
away."
- Tom Lehrer
*********************************************************************
"Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-
life than radioactive waste."
- Wes Smith
*********************************************************************
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can
cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop
licking, the frog gets depressed again."
- Jay Leno
*********************************************************************
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest
of your life."
- George Carlin
*********************************************************************
"According to the Star, Paris Hilton is considering getting
breasts implants. Though she's still hesitant about it.
You know, she's concerned that if she gets implants
people won't take her seriously."
- Jay Leno
*********************************************************************
"People are more violently opposed to fur than
leather because it's safer to harass rich women
than motorcycle gangs."
- Rodney Lee
*********************************************************************
"Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun.
He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back!"
- Rodney Dangerfield
*********************************************************************
"Donald Duck just turned 66 years-old. Kind of a tough age.
Now when you see him walking around without any pants on,
you don’t know if he’s acting or if he just forgot."
- Jay Leno
*********************************************************************
"New York City has installed 3,000 security cameras in the
subway. Already it’s made a difference. Already 3,000
security cameras have been stolen."
- David Letterman
*********************************************************************
"Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to
screw up once and it's yours."
- Dennis Miller
*********************************************************************
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for
the national anthem on opening day and one of my players
said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
- Jim Leyland
*********************************************************************
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and
knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked
her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and
Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam,
they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy,
they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins
every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of
times we didn't get nothin'."
*********************************************************************
was So Blonde That She......
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit
into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power
went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone
button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she
answered "C."
*********************************************************************
--- Then and Now ---
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock.
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Mood Stones.
Now: Kidney Stones.
Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved.
Then: Passing the driving test.
Now: Passing the vision test.
*********************************************************************
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his
new college class. He stood up in front of the class and
said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid
please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a
moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you
standing there all by yourself.
*********************************************************************
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was
talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will
you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie
answered. "That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot.
"How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes we will ride together."
Emma replied enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with
all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back
of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your
family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his
imagination.
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride
bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always
says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's
time to get the hell out of town."
*********************************************************************
Secrets to a Happy Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the
house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids,
and who makes money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend
money on you, and show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and
who loves to have sex with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.
*********************************************************************
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
*********************************************************************
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a
Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by
the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon, an
Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him
a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army
dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock
strap...
The Army is still looking for him.
*********************************************************************
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was
driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car
with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks
"I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90
miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the
guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over
to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches
the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had
a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a
good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago,
my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that
officer and you were trying to give her back!
*********************************************************************
One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a
match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer,
"since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it
a bit you have to spot me two 'Got yas'." The golf pro
didn't know what a 'Got ya' was, but he went along with
it and off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer
$100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well,"
said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between
my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Got ya!' Have
you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the
second 'Got ya'?"
*********************************************************************
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet
the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some
time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and
by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in
a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and
halfway through the dinner the young man realized he
couldn't hold it in one-second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family
dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. 'One more
and I'll feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he
craps on you!"
*********************************************************************
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take
it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so
I can tell my wife."
*********************************************************************
A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer
in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited
accommodations, he was required to sleep with his
young nephew.
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little
boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he
decided to present a good example and kneeled at the
other side of the bed with his head bowed.
The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy.
"The pot's on this side".
*********************************************************************
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and
headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and
I'm not sleeping. What's the problem, doc?"
The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked,
"I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the
drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the drunk, "I'll come back when you
sober up."
*********************************************************************
A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very
small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
*********************************************************************
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he
wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a
little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The
grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of
93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the
wall of the crematorium.
*********************************************************************
A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting
for the city bus.
When the young woman stepped up to board the bus,
she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The
embarrassed young woman reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give
her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus.
Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.
A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed,
young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and
helped her onto the bus.
As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned
on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you
touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda
figured that we was friends!"
*********************************************************************
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar
voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
*********************************************************************
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with
a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long
years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon
went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a
mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about
your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. However, there's a
new denomination down the road, no telling what they
believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic!"
*********************************************************************
You're Attending The Wrong Law School If...
* Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.
* Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more
often than you are.
* If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers
personally signs your diploma.
* Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for
not turning in homework.
* Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"
* Two words: Dean Wapner
* Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance
around a dog track.
* In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.
* Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."
*********************************************************************