How Asian Can I Be!?

    I love how everyone says how we should stereotype people because of what or who they are.  Too bad I'm a living stereotype of what Asians are.  This page is here to figure how just how Asian I am.  Here we go!  I'm really excited.  See, ghetto Asian people say "I'm mad excited" but I'm not ghetto.

1) Asian people can't see well.  Lol, people say it's because they have smaller eyes.  They might be right.  But yes, I wear glasses, and fucking proud!  Not really.   Everyone in my family, but two people, wear glasses.  My mom should though, cause she can't see diddly.  Hmm... maybe she should drive me around anymore.

That's me as Zordon.  You see the glasses?  And the nose flaring?  Man... my nose is going nuts in this one!

2)  My parents own nail salons.  It's like what nail salon isn't own by Asians nowadays?  My parents own two and a half nail salons (honestly) and 99% of the employees are Asian.  We kind of own this field of the job market.  Just like Mexicans make up 99% of the helpers in Italian restaurants.  Here's a picture of cool nails!

                            Before                                                                                After

Get it?  Nails... nails?  I find that funny because my parents do turn people into little sharp pieces of metal.

3)  We have a huge frigging statue of Buddah.  He might look creepy, and he is.  We like to rub his belly for luck.  So far, I have no luck.  So I turned to Jesus.  Buddah got pretty jealous and asked me to come back and it took me a while to forgive him, but I did.  I'm an atheist.  I just find key religious people hot.  Kidding... hopefully you will believe me.

That's my brother and I posing with a very cool Buddah.  He can kick your ass!  I made a good peace sign.  Wow, you can see my brother's boxers... sooo not needed!

4)  I read this somewhere that a lot of Asian people are lactose-intolerant.  I was like, "Yeah right!  I drink milk all the time!"  Then I drank milk that same day and my stomach was like, "Dude, don't give me that shit" and I'm like, "Why?!" and he said "Cause you want your momma alive... right?!"  And then I shut up and threw up.

This is my stomach destroying milk and it's harmful lactose.  The cow goes too.

5)  Seriously, I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty smart.  Especially in the whole math and science department.  That's seriously being Asian there.  Why are we smart?  Because our parents beat us if we get anything below a 101% (because being 100% is not good enough anymore).  And since I'm a nerd, here's a nerd joke. 

"Your mom is so stupid, she tried to use substitution to find the definite integral of f(x) = x² over the interval 0!"  If that doesn't make the kid cry, I don't know what will.  Well... a punch in the face might do it.

6)  Everyone in my family, except my mom, has taken some form of martial arts.  My dad, kung fu, my brother Thuyet, sister TT, and I took Tae Kwan Do, and my sister Truc tool Aikido.  And guess what?  We ALL fight like girls still.

You see, we had karate uniforms, yet I put the sharpshooter on my brother, a non martial arts move.  I beat him though.

7)  What is up with Asian people and Karaoke?  Is it like a drug to them?  I certainly do not like it, but half of my family does.  Here's a picture of my sister, Truc, singing!  Yeah her name is Truc.  Want to make fun of it?  Why don't I make fun of your face with my fist.  It's hilarious!

Karaoke sucks ass.  The worst is we have Vietnamese karaoke, not even regular music!  AHHHH!  My brother and I like to do the running man as we listen.

8)  We practically eat rice with every meal.  Maybe that's why I'm fat... too much carbs.  This is serious though, my dad eats rice with watermelons.  It's weird.  I eat a lot of rice too.  Or do I?  I do.

Oh yes it is, my friend!

9)  We always eat with chopsticks.  Not really, I opt for the plastic fork and spoon.  No dishes!  I wish I had plastic sporks.  Anyways, I even cook scrambled eggs with chop sticks.  It's so much easier.  "How do you do it Thuat?"  Well, stranger, all you have to do it crack a couple of eggs, mix it with the sticks, pour it into the pan, got nuts with the choppy sticks, sprinkle pepper and salt and you have got yourself one mighty fine meal.  Now eat it with chopsticks... that might take a while.  Just go for the sporks.

This is the recipe should end with a thumbs up.  Seriously, don't mess with the Fonz.

10)  I have no rhythm.  I can't dance, or anything.  But I can do things like the Macarena, and that's because Asians follow directions easily.  Asians can't dance, so they usually just start raving.  lol.

See that Asian guy on the side?  He's ruling all of them.  "Shake your hips, silly asshole!"

11)  Recently I have gotten involved with a game called Dance Dance Revolution, which PLENTY of Asians play.  Since I can't dance, I have a machine tell me what to do.  And I'm getting better at the game too.  I am certainly not learning how to dance, but I can randomly stomp in four spots very nicely.

Ok this guy seems a little bit psycho, but that's basically what I look like when I play DDR... having my crotch hang out in mid air. 

So on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being wide-eye, and 10 meaning eyes so tiny you have to screech really loud, so the vibrations can come back to your ears so you can "see/hear" your environment (much like bats), where am I?

7.5!  Not bad.  I'm not totally Asian.  Wait... my whole family line is Asian... unless you count the whole "humans started in Africa."  So wait... I'm African American?  I can play sports easily, use words such as "bling" and "playa", and go to jail for no or little reason?  YES!  Africa, here I come!

I should end this with a lesson.  You should be cool with yourself, no matter what/who you are.  Why?  Because you don't have to fucking listen to what others think you should be.  Don't be different to be different.  Don't try to be like others.  Don't try at all!  Do whatever makes you happy.  Well if killing others makes you happy, you shouldn't do that.  Otherwise, do it!  I'm Asian... awesome!  But I did not pick all these things to be as Asian as possible.  That's stupid.  I do it because I want to.  Are you white, rich, and part of a country club but want to rap mad hardcore? I'm sorry, I will laugh at you, but go ahead.  Are you black and you want to listen to Avril Lavigne?  I'm sorry, I will laugh at you, but go ahead.  Wait this is a stupid lesson.  To get people to like you, just have sex with them!  That's the lesson.