| Olympic Parenting Feats by: Cindy Lineberry If you�ve ever spent an entire day with kids, then you know the challenges that can entail. Not just finding ways to keep yourself and kids healthy but saving yourself from extreme embarrassment alone can be quite a feat most athletes wouldn�t challenge themselves too. Who should get the gold medals this year? Check out these Olympic events that we take for granted in our ordinary lives. The McPlayGrounder: Take any amount of children to McDonalds. One small one will cause just as much of a workout as 10 large ones will on most days. Now attempt to get all of the food they want and you agree they should have, appropriate aged toys, plenty of ketchup, and enough straws and napkins, without hearing a scream of unhappiness. Be sure to be carrying at least one child in your arms, one purse to dig for money in, and one ringing cell phone or pager. Breakfast is the best time for this, as there are plenty of elderly around to annoy. Elderly tolerate the young very quietly, which is a good thing when you aren�t in the mood to hear �Your children are adorable, but can I have my biscuit back please?� or if you are in the mood for saying �I�m sorry that my son took your cane, I�ll try to get it back as soon as he�s finished beating his younger brother.� Some will even voluntarily speak with your kids. �Such nice eyes� is a typical one to hear. Gender guessing is a fun game for most of them too. Pretend you are doing them a favor. It�s good for your conscience. Arriving during busy times is the most aerobic workout you can ask for. Simply release children with food, drinks, and of course � ice cream cones � onto a full playground. Notice the great stretching you get attempting to look in each and every direction at once following the �look mom� banter you hear throughout the color play set. For strength training, attempt to lift your screaming toddler 5 to 10 times as he kicks and pushes insisting on sliding just �one more time Mom!� For added weight training, break up at least three sessions of �I told you so� contests, or �yes I can � no you can�t� competitions with a quick movement of any sort. Try lifting one of the yes-I-canners from the ground or chair they are sitting on. This will not only surprise them into stopping, it�s great for your upper arms. Wipe any visible messes you see on face, clothes or table top using large, firm, circular motions. And for a great cool down, load all children back into the vehicle with the mom�s international countdown, 1.... 2..... 3.... I mean business ........... 4...... 5.. c�mon now.. I�ll leave you here and I mean it... .. 6.......... don�t make me get to 7..... (And so on. You know the plan.) Note: Attempting this event without proper training or a partner is not advisable by amateur audiences. If any strangers approach you and say �Hey lady, is that your kid in the men�s room eating toilet paper?� just smile and deny having children altogether. WalMart Wiggle: Now here�s a workout for the best of triathaloners. Take 3 or more kids with you on a trip to your local department store. Let one ride in the cart, and let the other ones walk with you. This may involve many rotations and turn taking, causing lots of stooping, lifting, and repetitive activity on your part. Wear earplugs if needed. Getting them situated and in agreement will now officially be called your warm-up. Pretend it�s someone�s birthday, hoorah! But not theirs. Anyone else�s will do, preferably another child�s. Now try to walk through the toy section without buying any of them a cool new toy, but purchase one for some other kid (You can give it to your husband later. Most are easily amused). Now that you�re into your cardio section of your workout begin using the word NO at appropriate times until you�ve mastered the Zen Art of No-No-ing. If used properly, any child under the age of 5 will begin chanting it with you while taunting any other child in the vicinity. You should be able to talk at this stage with a simple NO NO NO.. Approximately 21 No�s per minute should be a good start. Now into the intense part of your workout � start by locating a pair of shoes to fit each child. Stretch to grab the only pair left of the Blues Clues Velcro High Tops on the top shelf, using your upper body strength to try them on for size, while using your lower body strength to restrain any other children that could be walking away, trying on a pair of oversized Ole Lady shoes, or doing any other embarrassing tricks that could lead to tears, bruises, or your purchase of shoes you have no business owning. (So that�s how I got those purple rubber boots. I�d forgotten.) Then it�s time for a cool down. Simply walk slowly towards the exit door. Your children will eventually (before you leave the building) call your bluff and come trailing behind you, either in tears or screaming wildly because their absolutely most favorite item isn�t purchased and you are leaving without buying it. The stroll through the parking lot should be similar, but be sure to hold their hands as on coming traffic should never be subjected to fit throwing. It�s just not in the drivers� Ed manual. Hearing the non-parent comments aren�t healthy for your hearing either, but sometimes can be quite amusing to a professional like yourself. (Time out? Ha ha ha.. That�s for Rookies.) Remove any mystery items from toddler�s mouths, buckle everyone up, and drive away. Authors Note: I especially appreciate the comments I get in malls. The ones about how �they�d never act that way if they were my kids� is over used I think, but the ones about �nurturing them� instead of punishing them. Now those can be quite comical. How about the true ladies you see in malls that couldn�t ever have kids near them. You couldn�t change a diaper with those nails lady. How about tackling my 6 year old in a playground in those shoes honey� hahaha .. Ha... Oh sorry.. I�m venting. Let�s move on. Fine Diner: Now only foolish parents (or those that just can�t find a sitter tonight and already have a reservation) take their children to a �Nice� place to dine. You will notice great feats of courage, optimism and heroism in these places. There are things that happen in restaurants that defy the laws of physics and chemistry, and a few other sciences too. To begin your workout, have everyone read the menu. Reach long and forward as you cup mouths uttering (somewhat loudly).. �Gross! I�m not eating this stuff!� Or �Cool, I want 2 lobsters, one for now and one to take home, and I�ll name him Snappy.� Remove any centerpieces from the table before beginning this stretching routine. Snatch with quick arm movements any menus that have become simulated aircraft or weapons. Simulated hats are ok. Watch for flying cutlery. Now for the workout � before any entree or even appetizer arrives, you should be able to clock at least 3 blocks of speed walking children to and from the bathroom, because they didn�t really GO when you reminded them before leaving home. 20 deep bends (or squats depending on the chair height) should follow as miscellaneous items will somehow end up on the floor and you are required to fetch them. Quickly. Before the baby yelps! Since you ordered something totally healthy and the wait staff really appreciates you, simply hope that your dressing is fat free, that you get a few sips of water before someone spills it on your waiter, and that nobody offers desserts to your kids or any other kids within earshot. Ignore any non-parents that are giving you glares, it�s a public place, and if your son needs to burp a Christmas carol out loud to be still, then so be it. Check any red spots (spilled drink? Or blood?), and tip nicely for the persons that have to clean up the crackers your children have crumbled to the floor for sheer entertainment (but they looked cool down there with the green beans), apologize with big knee bends to the other patrons around your table, and leave as quietly as you can. Take one last energy jolt for a sprint to the car and go home satisfied that you didn�t bother eating that pie. Call it a health decision, but I wouldn�t eat it either with that steak sauce Junior decided to squirt on it �by accident.� Now draw yourself a gold medal with the broken Crayola you stepped on near the dog food and place it on the refrigerator with the other drawings bestowed upon you this week. Your workout is over and you deserve a long bubble bath without a tap at the door for someone to pee �just one more last time.� Check for a clean towel before you begin. |