2.) Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.) Retrieve cat from under bed, and throw soggy pill away.
4.) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5.) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6.) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cats throat vigorously.
7.) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth, and set aside for gluing later.
8.) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil, and blow pill down drinking straw.
9.) Remove straw from your throat, and check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.) Get cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open using desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away, and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into cat�s mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches forearm and fingers and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order new table.
15.) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
