A Chaotic Wedding
Chapter 2: Catering Are For Suckers
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About A Guy – Guy
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09.55 – soon five hours to go
I watch as another tray is being carried towards the enormous table of food. Am I really supposed to pay for all this? And all those waiters, are they really necessary? I could do their job instead, and save a few bucks.
Suddenly I hear a noise coming from outside the doors. Great, what now? Did my parents strangle Connie’s parents? If that’s the case, I’m testifying against them.
It’s Portman. I thought he wasn’t, and I quote, ‘Leaving the bed at all just because of that dumbass wedding’. He’s not a morning person, and frankly, if he’s not around chance is that things will go a lot smoother. So I thought, until the two captains crashed with the car.
“The wedding’s off!” he shouts and almost pushes one of the waitresses into the wall. Why do I have the feeling that he’s really enjoying himself yelling those words? Man, he always have to be so dramatic.
I barely lift an eyebrow at his comment. “And why’s that?”
Portman looks awfully disappointed that he didn’t manage to get a more desperate emotion from me. “Connie’s missing. Can’t get married without a bride, right?”
Honestly, I didn’t mean all that crap I said on the phone a couple of minutes ago. Those things about having second thoughts and wanting to call the whole thing off. I just needed to vent a little. I called Charlie at first, but he was howling about a sprained ankle or something. So I called captain number two, and probably scared her with all my talk. She deserves it, because she ruined the decoration flowers!
I still don’t know who the maid-of-honor is, Julie would only roll her eyes at my problems and Sarah is out trying to get our cake into safety. So the only brides-maid left to bother is the crazy co-captain. She’s my safety net, an allied behind enemy lines. Plus, Adam won’t answer his phone...
I hope she doesn’t try to stop the wedding or something. My God, that thought didn’t even occur to me until now! What if she thinks I really don’t want to get married, and she ruins the ceremony!
“Guy? Hello? Are you at least listening to me?”
Right, Connie’s missing. “Yep, I heard you. She can’t be that far off. Did you look under the bed? She’s tiny, she could fit under there.”
Portman looks at me like I’m an idiot. Sure, I’M the idiot! THEY were the one losing Connie! Besides, she doesn’t like when people are guarding her. I know some of them were hanging around outside her door earlier, she probably just climbed out through the window to get them off her back. Don’t ask me how I know that, but I’m pretty sure that’s the case.
“We checked the room, but she’s not there. Aren’t you going to panic?”
“Nah, she’ll show up,” I say, turning my back to him to point where the shrimp-sallad should be. Who ordered that dish anyway?
She’ll show up.
She’ll definitely show up.
She will show up!
What if she won’t show up?
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10.20 – in the kitchen
“Why is there an order of Buffalo Wings here? This a wedding, not a bachelor party!” some lady I’ve never seen before yells at the top of her lungs. I wish I could act clueless, but I can’t. I can’t take responsibility for what’s been ordered several weeks in before-hand, can I? Well, sort of I can...
You see, Guy asked us for a favor, me, Ken and Dwayne. He wanted us to order the food, and so we did. We made a list of everything and phoned in our order. I just never knew that you could come up with so much extra things to add to the list! Connie had forgotten about the sausages, the bananas, the chips and – of course – the Buffalo Wings. What’s a party without that? Lame!
So we ordered some extra things. Okay, a lot of extra things, but we didn’t know you had to pre-pay everything! Guy’s pretty angry now when he has to give out money, so I stay off the subject who placed those extra orders...
“Actually, we went to the bachelor party, and there were no chicken there either,” Jesse explains, but shuts up when he gets the evil eye from the lady with the voice. A voice of terror, I’d say. Why I am here, even though I lack of catering-experience? I kind of broke one of the wedding-gifts, so I was placed here as a punishment. Among the food, the beverages and the fifteen bags of chips... Some kind of punishment. They should have just banned me from the kitchen. That would hurt a lot more.
“Make some more of that sauce!” the lady screams. I don’t think she can speak with a normal voice.
“But...” I object. “We’re out of sourcream!”
“What?!” she bellows back, almost making poor Luis fall off the chair. I admitt, she IS scary. But I bet being Connie’s guard is a lot more scarier. I shudder when I think about how she most treat those poor bastards. At least I’m not on the search-party. They are still looking for her. I bet she’s really enjoying herself right now.
“Then, go get some, Mr. Goldberg,” the lady orders and point towards the basement. “And get some garlic while you’re on it.”
I whimper. Down there? It’s dark down there! “Can Jesse and Luis come along?” I ask with my ‘I’m not a coward’-voice. “They can carry something.”
“Fine,” she sighs, probably relieved that we’re not going to be in her way anymore. Who died and made her the queen of the kitchen? Wait, that’s right, she really IS the head-chef...
10.25 – in the basement
Okay, so we’re locked in. This might be a little bit of problem... Hey, they storage the chips down here! Strike that first thing I said, we’re just fine down here.
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10.41 – in the kitchen
Those imbecill guys are still not back. How hard can it be to fetch a few packets of sourcream?
“I guess no one really ordered this banana either,” Sally says. Or yells, I can’t tell the difference anymore.
“Not according to Mr. Germaine,” I say. “But that guy seems to be more then useless at organize things. Last I heard, he didn’t even know where the bride was.”
I take a bite of the banana, just like the rest of the workers. If only Mr. Germaine knew how much he pays for us mostly just standing around gossiping. Well, I can’t complain. Wow, this banana is delicious!
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11.04 – in the ballroom
I sit up in my comfortable chair. Hell, spraining my ankle was the best thing I could’ve done today! I don’t have to do anything, just sit here and be pampered by several cute waitresses. Although, the last twenty-five minutes have been sort of quiet. Where did Nicki, Lily, Chloé and Sandra go? Not to mention Sophie and Lisa?
Suddenly my cell starts to beep. Stupid Guy, why does he have to call me all the time? Besides from me being his Best Man, I see no point in that. Everyone calls me. Guy, Adam, Portman, Travis, Averman and Julie. Even Scott tried to call me, but I’m screening. I’ve been responsible for them for all too long, it’s time they work out their own problems. That, and the fact that my batteries are running low.
Okay, he’s not giving up. I’ll answer, but just this once! “Yep, waddya want now, Germaine?”
I listen while staring at the door. Where are those waitresses? They promised me some pie! I pay no attention to what Guy says, until I suddenly think I hear something not quite so good.
“What do you mean the whole staff is suffering from food-poisoning?” I shout.
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Make notes! Don’t get married unless you have checked that most of your relatives are absent, okay? And if you invite your relatives, don’t invite your friends’ relatives, for God’s sake! I’ve already run into my Mom five times! But I guess you’re only concentrating on the wedding-night, huh? You filthy animals.
Finally, you’re getting married. This means I’m off the hook, right, Guy? Just kidding! Thanks for inviting me, I was sure my invitation would get ‘lost’ in the mail... Meeh, I noticed you haven’t got any nachos, so I have to visit Taco Bell. See ya at the ‘real’ thing! I’m not responsible for whatever fight Jesse claims I’ve started with the band. Just so you know.
I hope you get happy together, and well, Luis sort of used up the ink in the pen, so I can’t write much more... My dress looks horrible, by the way! Who organized the colors of this wedding? Ray Charles?
Dmitri
Good luck, I hope it lasts all your life! Okay, that sounded stupid. Just be happy, and if you ever re-marry... Well, don’t. So, I have a very impatient Goldberg behind me, almost yanking the pen out of my hand, so this is it.
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Author’s Note: Still no spell-check... Derek and Dmitri are from the ‘other’ team... Crap, I’m too tired to explain right now, it’s 2 am...
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