Fast Food
By
Cilantron
It's become a popular cliche: someone is complaining about how much money um doesn't have, or how much um hates ums boss, or how much um hates ums job, so you say to um, "Well, you can always volunteer to be soup." You are of course not actually recommending this, unless you're sick of ums complaining, because of the social stigma attached to "being soup." It is the purpose of this article to provide factual information on what it is like to be soup and to cut through all the rumors and innuendos. Also, the author hopes that if the populace were properly informed, some of the social stigma would be lifted.
First off, it should be explained exactly what "being soup" consists of, as even here there are misconceptions. I've heard that on some of the more isolated worlds they believe it refers to actually being eaten. Nothing could be further from the truth. One is simply placed in a nice, relaxing, hot bath, causing one to sweat profusely. During the session, one is provided with drinking water and replacement minerals. This is done under human medical supervision on Human planets, and on the Kkrkkt worlds (And please, do not call them "crickets." Would you call an Alpha a Beta? If you honestly can't pronounce it properly, say "kikirikikkit."), regular human inspection of the sweat facilities is rigorously upheld, ever since the Kambal Soup Accord. After a few hours, the water is drained off to be processed.
(It is unknown exactly what is extracted from the water, but apparently even they can't produce it artificially, and it doesn't "travel well," so the soup must be eaten on the same planet it is produced.)
Part of the social stigma arises from the fact that one is being paid for "doing nothing" and thus violates the Martian/Denebian/Black/Hispanic/Shintoist/Marxist/Protestant work ethic. Also, it violates the ancient, 21st century taboo of "selling your body." Though we may claim such taboos no longer affect us, many well-respected sociologists insist that we are still plagued by the archaic morals of our ancestors.
Another factor involved in the stigmatization is the idea that anybody can just walk in off the ped-ways, take a bath, and come out with a few thousand Solaris. It doesn't work that way. First, not everybody "tastes right." Most people are aware that those who are too old or too young can't be soup. No humans have really done any research on why others are disqualified, but we do know it's not based on gender, race, or blood type.
Before one can be soup, one's "organism must be purified," as the Kkrkkt say. This is a two-week long process involving exercising, sweating (which, being not yet purified, is not used in the soup), and dieting. People who are not drug addicts feel markedly better after the process. Some drug addicts attempt to use the purification to get off drugs, but they are usually turned away by the Kkrkkt for "not tasting right and not being able to be made to taste right."
Now comes the most controversial aspect, and I will probably lose anyone still reading this.
Rumors are circulating that being soup somehow involves sexual perversion, and according to modern standards, this is true. During the purification process, and for as long as you continue to bathe, you must totally abstain from sex. It's theorized that certain hormones cause one to "taste wrong." The only defense I have here is to rely on the controversial work of the infamous Dr. Klein, who demonstrated that by using certain techniques, it's possible to be abstinent for as long as three months with no deleterious psychological effects.
After all that, how can I still support the destigmatization of being soup? I am force to confess that I myself have been soup. I lost a large amount of money gambling, so, in fear of losing my Alpha classification for being both in debt and being an incompetent gambler, I took an emergency vacation from work and went to the Soup Center as the only means of getting a large amount of money relatively quickly. After a few tests, I was accepted for purification. Part of the process of being soup involves being as little agitated as possible, and as I was agitated over my financial situation, the Kkrkkt were willing to give me an advance, which mollified my creditors. Also, the soup facilities are connected to the Kkrkkt embassies, and "sweatees" are housed on the premises, so I benefitted from their security. Two days before my first bath was scheduled, I underwent various pleasant procedures to increase my ability to relax, and the next day was devoted totally to relaxation. After a final test (yes, they do lick your skin right before you go in. On your arm!), I entered the bath.
It took me four days to acquire enough money to pay my debts, but I didn't want to have to worry about my Alpha classification again, so I stayed an extra two days. After that, I was too horny, and they said they couldn't use me anymore for the time being. If it weren't for the social stigma, I would go back, because who wouldn't like a little extra money?
This article has probably only persuaded some literate Betas that being soup is relatively harmless. After all, there are thousands of sexual therapists able to help you recover from your period of abstinence.
[Note: The Accurate Reporting Act requires me to confess that this anonymous article was sponsored by the Kkrkkt Culinary Empire.]
[Note to 21st century readers: "um" takes the place of the "he or she" awkwardness.]