"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. 

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle 

" It's no exaggeration to say that the un-decided could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca 

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in foot-ball. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman 

They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!

Beauty is only a light switch away.

From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however,
makes a life. - Arthur Ashe (1943-1993) --American tennis
champion, aids activist

Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!"

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katharine Hepburn

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Never eat yellow snow.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Ask others about themselves, at the same time, be on guard not
to talk too much about yourself. - Mortimer Adler--American
philosopher

It's not so bad being senile; you get to meet many more people.

If Winnie the Pooh were captain of the Enterprise:
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and
lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter
room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies!

Instead of loving your enemies -- treat your friends a little
better.- Edgar Watson Howe 

A friend is someone who doesn't like the same people you don't
like. -Proverb 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.

Hlade's Law: "If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy
person -- they will find an easier way to do it."

You're so cheap, I bet you look under the bed in the morning to
see if you lost any sleep.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 

Women and cats do what they do; there is nothing a man can do
about it.
-Heinlein

Reasonable men adapt themselves to their environment.
Unreasonable men try to adapt their environment to themselves.
Thus all progress is the result of efforts of unreasonable men.
- George Bernard Shaw

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!

Error: Sector not found -- search behind couch?
(Y/N)

"I know I asked for more ice in my drink steward, but THIS is
ridiculous" 
(1st class Passenger - MS Titanic)

Ever consider what they(pets) must think of us? I mean, here we
come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -
chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest
hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries
of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.

It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards
of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or
hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds! 

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. 
--Helen Keller

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be
eating a slow learner.

Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays
bought.

Support bacteria... it's the only culture some people have!