"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took
off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you
could say it exploded in the hangar." - Calvin and Hobbes

Jesus loves you, but Satan gives you all the good stuff.

Don't go through life, grow through life.-Eric Butterworth

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the
better lawyer. - Robert Frost

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Love is friendship set on fire. - French Proverb

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. 

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.

My mother: A travel agent for guilt trips.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle,
regarding pollution.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their kids.

Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping
on?

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an
improvement upon the silence.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much
heavier.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

Did you check if your horn works?

The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" 

How many vegetables had to die for your stupid salad?

"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're
still a rat."
--Lily Tomlin

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without
being good at them.

As life is action and passion, it is required of man that he
should share the passion and action of his time, at peril of
being judged not to have lived.
-Oliver Weldell Holmes Jr.

The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.

"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
their level of incompetence."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -
waiting to get into the bathroom." -- Bob Hope

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock. 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to
me. The distinction is yours to draw...

The trouble with political jokes is - they get elected.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler

If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.

Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.

Men have feelings too (but who really cares)

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary
forms.

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure
is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

Hlade's Law: "If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy
person -- they will find an easier way to do it."

My mind is like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone!
-- anon.

Inferiors revolt in order that they may be equal; equals revolt
in order that they may be superior. - Aristotle (384-322 BC)
--Greek philosopher

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its
students!

Melancholy men are of all others the most witty. - Aristotle
(384-322 BC) --Greek philosopher

When it comes to your health, I recommend frequent doses of that
rare commodity among people�common sense.

Integrity is like oxygen - The higher you go, the less there is
of it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.