There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
  - Richard Jeni

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it
  - Stephen Wright

Leftovers make you feel good twice. The first time, is when you save them, 'Hey! I'm saving food!'. The second time is when you throw them away, 'Hey! I'm saving my life!'
  - George Carlin

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
  - Richard Jeni

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 
  - Kevin James

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
  - Emo Philips

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
  - Stephen Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
  - Stephen Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  - Stephen Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
  - Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'. I wrote 'Doctor'...What's my mother going to do?
  - Stephen Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
  - Stephen Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
  - Stephen Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  - Stephen Wright

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
  - Stephen Wright

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  - A Bit of Fry and Laurie

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
  - Emo Phillips

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  - F. P. Jones

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  - Carl Zwanzig

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
  - Woody Allen

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
  - Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
  - Dick Cavett

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  - George Carlin

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
  - Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
  - Ashleigh Brilliant

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. 
  - Salvador Dali

There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in travelling in a stage-coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place.
  - Washington Irving

Never imagine yourself to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
  - Louis Carrol

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. 
  - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
  - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
  - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
  - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
  - Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
  - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
  - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
  - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.
  - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
  - Bill Gates, 1981

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is.
  - Ellen DeGeneres

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
  - Warren Hutcherson

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  - John Mendoza

No man can succeed in a line of endeavor which he does not
like.--Napoleon Hill

You can, and do - on a daily basis - accomplish things you
set your mind on. Set your mind on jealousy, and you become
jealous. Set your mind on excellence, and you become
excellent.--Ralph S. Marston Jr.

Enjoy the success that you have, and don't be too hard on
yourself when you don't do well. Too many times we beat up
on ourselves. Just relax and enjoy it. You'll do better.--Patty Sheehan

'The roots of true achievement lie in the will to
    become the best that you can become.'
                                   --Harold Taylor

"Would you like me to give you a formula for...success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure... You're thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all...You can be discouraged by failure - or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because, remember that's where you'll find success. On the far side of failure." - Thomas J. Watson, Sr. 

"All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve are a direct result of his own thoughts." - James Allen 

"Happiness and virtue rest upon each other; the best are not only the happiest, but the happiest are usually the best." - Bulwer 

"Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life." - Confucius 

"Decision and determination are the engineer and fireman of our train to opportunity and success." - Burt Lawlor