Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night.

Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all
become friends.

"If this van's a rockin' don't come a knockin'"

Growl all day and you'll be dog tired at night.

"If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few
blisters."
-- Abigail Van Buren

"Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know, I've never checked." -
Austin Powers 2, The Spy who Shagged Me

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but
no one's ever died from it.

Love is the only drug you can take that will convince you each
time that you've never had it before.

For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds
of happiness that you can never get back.

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice
without getting nervous.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Integrity is like oxygen - The higher you go, the less there is
of it.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides 
gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 
 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 
 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, 
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without 
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the 
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a 
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was 
room-temperature Canadian beef. 
 
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog 
makes just before it throws up. 
 
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 
 
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 
 
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated 
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a 
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 
 
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way 
a bowling ball wouldn't. 
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag 
filled with vegetable soup. 
 
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an 
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city 
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 
 
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 
 
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when 
you fry them in hot grease. 
 
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across 
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains! , one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka 
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph. 
 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 
 
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds 
who had also never met. 
 
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was 
the East River. 
 
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, 
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 
 
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 
 
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, 
this plan just might work. 
 
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not 
eating for a while. 
 
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-beer night. 
 
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, 
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land 
mine or something. 
 
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender 
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 
 
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, 
as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 
 
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple 
it to the wall. 

People are far more interesting and successful when they are
 less concerned about being normal, and more concerned on
 being natural.--Michael Nolan

 No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have
 no capacity for living now.--Alan Watts

 The principle is competing against yourself. It's about self
 improvement, about being better than you were the day
 before.--Steve Young

 Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you
 intend to do.--Liz Smith

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
  - Richard Jeni (on going to war over religion)

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
  - Stephen Wright

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
  - John Wing

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
  - Francois Morency

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
  - Tim Steeves