Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on society. - Mark Twain

On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up
and no place to go.

No person was ever honored for what he received; honor has been
the reward for what he gave.
-Calvin Coolidge

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in
her name. (from Without Feathers) - Woody Allen (1935-____)
--American humorist, director, actor, author

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

Knowledge is free at the library. Just bring your own
container.

Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those
who have been there...

Silence is one of the most effective forms of communication.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you
could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why
are you waiting?

Two things a man cannot hide: that he is drunk, and that he is
in love. - Antiphanes

Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among
the people. (from Dissertation on the Canon and the Feudal Law )
- John Adams (1735-1826) --2nd American president

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

Take interest in your future. It's where you're going to spend
the rest of your life.

Cold pizza: the generic breakfast.

"Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to
dread each day as it comes."
--Donald Kaul

Reader, suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a
member of Congress, but I repeat myself. - Mark
Twain

Men have feelings too (but who really cares)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.
* Laurie Kuslansky

And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over."

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I
won't be back for TEN MINUTES! ---Homer Simpson

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.

The most flattering comments on your hair come the day before
you're scheduled to have it cut.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough
oxygen at birth?

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

Let us endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the
undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain

We like because, we love although.

Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries
of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

The only place you�ll find success before work is in the
dictionary.

A friend who cannot at a pinch remember a thing or two that
never happened is as bad as one who does not know how to forget.
- Samuel Butler 

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler

"Stop looking at her rear and watch mine."

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from
many, it's research.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking.

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on Satan.'"
- George Burns

Lord save me from your followers. 

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -
James Thurber

No one means all he says and yet very few say all they mean. -
Henry Adams

I used to read a book with the light on. Now I read with the Web
on. -- Lucy MacDonald

Man: Excuse me miss. Could you please put your finger in my
coffee?
Woman: Why???
Man: I like to have something sweet in my coffee.

I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

My kids are the reason for everything. the reason everything is
out of place, broken and dirty.

God was cruel in creating man.He gave us a brain and a penis,
but only enough blood to use one at a time.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.