Quotes : Page 1
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Truly yours truly,
Department of Redundancy Department.
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more. - Albert Camus
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
"Well don't just stand there! Help Monica find it Bill!"
(Hillary, unexpectedly walking in and seeing Monica on her knees.)
If Santa gets stuck in your chimney, just go up on your roof and pour a can of Santa Flush in it.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -Oscar Wilde
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
It is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath. -Aeschylus (525-456 BC) --Ancient Greek soldier, playwright
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."
MARRIAGE is the only WAR where you sleep with the ENEMY.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and turn it on yourself.
On falling in love: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam. - I have a catapult. Give me all your money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist...it's more effective!
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Notice the difference between what happens to a man who says to himself: I have failed three times, and what happens when he says: I am a failure. - S I Hayakawa
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
Don't mind her. She hasn't been in a good mood since someone dropped a house on her sister.
The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something." -- Plato
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Driver carries no cash; HE IS MARRIED
What is new in our time is the increased power of the authorities to enforce their own prejudices.
I've learned that money is a great substitute for character.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence."
'Some people bring happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.' -Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -- Sean Connery
HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
People are like teabags - you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit the Frog
Mirrors don't talk, and luckily for you they don't laugh either!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly!