Being able to go to college was pure heaven. I was so happy. I had always wanted to become a nurse and I loved every minute of school. I had to borrow money form my sister to afford to buy books since Peter refused to let me use his money for that. It was hard for me to keep up with al the studying and homework. I used to do it at school during lunch or on the bus ride home. Once at home I had to hide my workbooks and notes. A couple of times he found them and burned them just to be mean.
After the first year of nursing school I was starting to feel like a real person again and slowly allowed myself to imagine a life without Peter. I was happy for the first time in a very long while.
Then the big blow came. One afternoon I was called into have a talk with one of my teachers. She asked me straight out if I was being abused. I started crying and told her yes. We talked for a bit. It felt kind of nice that someone had noticed. The next day I was called into the principal's office. My three teachers were there also. I was informed that they had made the decision that since I had such a troublesome family life (those were the words) at the moment they had decided that I should take a break in my studies until the situation had cleared up. I didn't understand, being a nurse was all I wanted to be, how could they throw me out of school? I had passed all the exams, everything! But it soon became apparent that they could do this. They weren't throwing me out of school they said, they just needed me to take a break so that I could focus on what I wanted to do with my life.
I was devastated. I came home, crying. Peter asked what was wrong so I told him. He started laughing. He laughed and laughed. Then he said: see, you are so stupid you can't even be allowed to stay in school.
All my hopes were shattered. I felt like I just died inside. I decided that this was it, I was going to end it all. I was going to take my own life. I saw no other way out. I decided to take a lot of pills and that I would do it at school. That way I thought they would know who I was and they could notify my sister and my brother.
The next day I was ready. I felt all cold inside. I told Peter I had to go finish off some paperwork at school. I had the pills in a container in my pocket. When I came to school I said good bye to all my classmates. I bought two diet cokes and locked myself in one of the bathrooms. I brought in a chair. I placed all the pills on the toilet lid in front of me, opened up one of the cokes and started taking the pills, one by one. I also wrote my good-bye letters. I wrote my sister, my brother and so on. I explained how I wanted my funeral all that stuff. I got dizzy but I kept on taking the pills. Then everything went dark...
...the first thing I heard when I woke up was Peter's voice. I tried to scream but there was a tube in my throat so nothing came out. Peter played the role of the worried fiancé very well. He was allowed to stay by my side at the hospital until I was released. No one even bothered trying to talk to me alone, they let him stay by my side all the time. Finally I was released and went back home with Peter. I felt like such a total faliure...I couldn't even end my own life. It had been so close I was told. Had they found me 5 minutes later I would have been dead. My heart had stopped three times but they got me started again and again.
