There is no easy answer to this. But to begin understanding an abused woman you have to realize that she has been almost brainwashed.

Many women stay simply because they are too afraid to leave. Their partners have told them "If you leave me, I'll find you. No matter how long it takes, I'll track you down". Sometimes there have been threats to kill her friends, family, or the children. Women have reason to be afraid. We know that they are at the highest risk of being murdered by their partner when they have left him or when he finds out she has made a decision to leave. There are media reports almost daily of these occurrences.

For most abused women, their relationships with their partners are not all bad all the time. You may know of men who you saw as kind, generous members of your community and later found they had abused their wife or children. Remember that women see the kind, gentle and generous side of their abuser too. After an abusive incident he begs for her forgiveness. He promises to never hurt her again. She wants to believe him. She knows he is not all bad. Maybe they can try again. Maybe things will work out this time.

I have never spoken to an abused woman who did not in some way believe that she was responsible for the abuse. She has been told by her partner many times that it is all her fault and she believes it. If she chooses to confide in someone she often gets the same message; "What did you do to make him so mad? Don't you know enough to leave him alone when he's drinking?". Statements like this reinforce her belief that she is the one that has to change. As long as she believes this she will probably stay and continue to try to make things work.

There are also some really practical and overwhelming realities a woman must face if she does leave. Approximately 70% of women who come to a shelter are either wage earners or have a partner who is a wage earner. Approximately 90% of these women who make a decision not to return to an abusive partner must apply for welfare when they leave the shelter. It is very easy for us to say it is better to be on welfare than to be abused but why must it be one or the other? What choices do women really have? They face substandard housing for which they often pay 70% of their income, supplements of food from the shelter or the food bank, no money left over for transportation or clothing, the list goes on... Our society makes it very difficult for women to leave.

Finally, many women stay because their sense of self worth and their belief in themselves has been taken away. Women feel hopeless. They don't think they can make it on their own. Often no one has offered her support or told her they believed in her. She needs to hear this. She does not need to hear "why do you stay with him?". This question implies that there is something wrong with her and is a very good example of victim blaming.

We should be directing our questions to her abusive partner. "Why are you doing this to her? Why don't you get some help". These questions help to put the responsibility for the abuse with the abuser - where it belongs.