Droids Can Feel Pain and/or The General�s Habits The squad looked at each other in horror. Fletcher remembered his jetpack. �Well, good look getting back, I�m off.� He hoisted his jetpack onto his shoulders, ready to fly. Reggie grabbed onto his leg. �Take me with you! I don�t wanna die!� Finn and Rio dived for him too. �Save us!� �We�re your pals!� Cor caught hold of the scruffs of Finn, Rio and Reggie and dragged them along the ground towards the gunship. Fletcher took to the air, and started moving. �So long. I�ll write your eulogies when I get back.� He stopped suddenly and hovered, staring into the distance. �Wait what are they?� He pointed and the squad looked. Cor let the others go. Four objects were heading for the town. They got closer and Fletcher called to them. �Who goes there?� Cor nudged Reggie in the ribs and whispered. �He�s using his Sergeant voice.� �Yeah. Intimidating, is it?� The others nodded in agreement. They could all see the things now. They were machines, walking machines. Fletcher recognised them first. �It�s the scouts on their AT-RTs.� The scouts came up to them. �Sergeant, we have nearly completed our search of the landscape and have not found any sign of General Grievous.� Back to the Sergeant Voice. �Very good, trooper. You can spend the remainder of the night in this village or take our gunship back. We will finish the scouting.� The nearest scout inclined his head. �Thank you Sergeant. The East Side is the only area left unchecked. Oh, one more thing. General Fisto is concerned about your whereabouts. He asks if you will report to him when you get back.� Fletcher nodded. �We will.� Fletcher dropped to the ground and the scouts got down from their walkers. When they were out of earshot, Fletcher jumped into the nearest A and strapped himself in. �These seats are so comfy. Why don�t we get seats like this on the gunship? Alright, who�s riding on one of the legs? There�s not enough walkers for everyone.� Finn, Rio and Cor all pointed at Reggie. �Reggie.� Reggie noticed they were all looking at him. �Aw, shit.� The two moons had risen and the squad bounded forward into the night. They had realised by now why the seats were so comfortable. It was to cushion the impact created by the leaps of the walker when travelling at 50 miles an hour. Fletcher decided to check on Reggie. He glanced down at his AT�s legs. �Doing ok down there, Reg?� Reggie didn�t reply, but clung tighter to the AT. Someone�s going to sleep tonight, Fletcher thought. He looked back at the others. They were ramming into each other. Cor and Finn were trying to sandwich Rio. Rio braked and came up behind them. Cor noticed and pulled out his Deece. He blasted Rio�s twin cannons and they bent. �You son of a bounty bitch!� Cor randomly yelled back to him. �CLONES FOREVER! YEEHAAW!� He started making whipping noises. Finn was edging his walker away from them subtly. When he was about ten feet away, he came crashing back into them. They wobbled dangerously and rammed back into his. Finn cursed and tried to regain control. Rio gloated. �Your brilliant plan FAILED. Now you must die!� Fletcher had heard enough. �WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP! WE�RE SUPPOSED TO BE SCOUTING!� Reggie looked up at him. �Are we?� �NO, BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK LIKE WE ARE!� �Oh.� Finn, Cor and Rio were sulking. �This is all your fault. If you hadn�t shouted, he wouldn�t have seen us!� �Quit blaming someone else, Finn. You nearly killed me! What was I supposed to do?� Cor was looking ahead, past Fletcher�s walker. �There�s a slope ahead.� Fletcher hadn�t noticed. He was trying to comfort Reggie, who had slid down the AT, almost to the foot. �Just relax, Reggie and try to climb back up a bit.� Reggie shook his head desperately. The slope was coming closer and no one had heard Cor. He tried again. �There�s a slope ahead.� But Finn and Rio were arguing and Fletcher was still trying to reassure Reggie. Cor was getting pissed off. �HERE IT COMES!� By this time Fletcher had slowed down and was now level with the others instead of in front. So they all found the slope together. It was steep and down went the walkers. �AAAAAH!� �AAAAAH!� �AAAAAH!� �AAAAAH!� �WHEEEE!� Fletcher rolled to a stop just three inches from a fallen walker. Down came Rio, who used him to break his fall and pushed him further, Finn (closer still) and Reggie. With their combined shove he whacked his helmet off the walker. �For fuck�s sake! If that leaves a mark, you�re dead, Reg! Where�s Cor?� A loud Tarzan call echoed above them. �Oh no.� Cor dropped from the sky onto them with a loud �thump� and the squad moaned. He readjusted his position and the moans grew louder. Fletcher was struck on the bottom. �Wow, that feels much better!� His muffled voice was dripping with sarcasm. Cor was humming �Dicey Reilly�. Finn heard him and with superhuman strength, threw the others of him. �MY BODHRAN!� He dashed over to his walker and began looking franticly. �Whereisitwhereisitwhereisit? Phew�here it is�� He sat on a nearby rock and started beating the bodhran experimentally. Rio got up and stretched. �Well guys, it looks like we�re camping here for the night.� Cor started running towards the surrounding trees. �I WANNA EXPLORE!� Fletcher watched him go as he dusted himself off. �Does he ever run out of energy?� Reggie popped up from the ground. �Not very often, but we he does, he gets cranky.� A few seconds later and they saw Cor running back. �Enemy camp! Over there! Can we break in? Just this once? The whole place is bursting with droids!� Fletcher looked around. The others shrugged. �Alright. Just this once.� They drew their Deeces and Cor led them through the small wood. Fletcher followed Cor, and then Finn and Reggie. Rio brought up the rear. �These trees are quite small compared to the wroshr trees on Kashyyyk. Which planet are we on?� Fletcher shrugged. �I don�t know. We were all wasted during the briefing. Damn, I need a Bierr.� Cor was getting excited. �There it is!� There wasn�t a lot to see. Battledroids. Command centre. Giant cruiser in the background. Finn recognised it. �Hey, it�s the Invisible Hand. Geegee�s gone a little overboard with the paint job.� Rio nodded. �You�re right. Oh score! That means he�s here. Let�s go spy on him.� Fletcher walked casually up to the edge of the forest. He replied to Rio. �You�re the boss, Rio.� �But I thought-� �Figure of speech.� �Oh, right.� Reggie began rooting through his backpack. �Reggie, the disguise is on the Star Destroyer.� �Aw�oh well.� �Which means we have to think of something else�� Suddenly, Finn and Cor ran out to the camp in front of the centre. Rio gaped. �Since when has Finn been spontaneous?� Reggie thought about it. �Ever since the town thing, where he got that drum. And Cor was in there with him, remember?� They watched in silence as Finn hid behind a tank, took his kama off and gave it to Cor. Cor put it over his head and adjusted his own so he was completely covered. He was now a dark navy thing. Finn gave him a thumbs-up and began playing his bodhran. Cor walked, no, stalked out. A drum roll. A dark navy thing. And a spooky voice coming from it. �You have trespassed on my land. Begone, or be forever cursed to lose battles!� The droids tried firing at him. But the stupid things shot at the kamas and he had them spread out. The shots passed harmlessly through them. �Leave this place or you are doomed! DOOMED!� The droids miraculously started backing away. �WHOOOooooOOOO�� The droids turned and ran for their circuits. �WHOOOooooOOOO�� Finn couldn�t hold it any longer. He sniggered; them burst into full-blown laughter. �I had no idea that worked on droids!� Back by the forest, Rio was having a hard time controlling himself. Reggie was covering his helmet�s air filter and Fletcher barely suppressed a grin himself. They started walking through the now droidless area, but Fletcher was still uneasy. He kept his electrobinoculars out and checked random shadows for threats. He had a feeling of being watched and was silent, listening hard. The others were high-5ing and slapping Cor and Finn on the back. Fletcher checked his binoculars again. To his shock, he found a form approaching. He stopped and held back the others. �Guys, there�s something coming. Deeces out.� He heard four reassuring clack-clacks of lock and loading blasters. They concentrated their Deeces on the shadows where Fletcher had pointed. Two purple bars of light appeared. A MagnaGuard advanced spinning its electrostaff. �Shit! Positions, people!� They spread out and surrounded the guard. It spun its staff around trying to hit them all. The troopers dodged. It ran towards Fletcher, who ducked under it, shooting up as he went. The shots didn�t seem to affect it. We need a new strategy, thought Fletcher. He turned back to the squad. They were still shooting at the twirling MagnaGuard and keeping out of its way. It knocked Reggie�s blaster out of his hand and he tried to reach it. It took the chance and whacked him so hard he fell head over heels. Finn ran to help, but was blocked by the electrostaff. One of Reggie�s flying feet came in contact with the guard�s metal crotch. It froze and keeled over with a crash. Fletcher walked slowly over to it. He helped Reggie up, who was still groaning in pain from the electrostaff charge. He poked the MagnaGuard with his blaster. After a couple of second he shot its photoreceptors and kicked it hard on the crotch. He yelled in pain and started hopping on one foot. �Fucking hell! How the fuck did you kick that?� Reggie replied innocently. �I didn�t kick that hard.� Fletcher set his foot gently down. �Let�s go.� He whipped the MagnaGuard once more with his kama and left with the others. When no one was looking, he too out a marker and drew a smiley face on the guard�s face. �Hee hee.� Them he ran after the others. The command centre was huge. They gazed at the structure as they entered it. The droids were all at the front, surrounding the place where the controls were. Cor got on Rio�s shoulders to peer over the droids. �There�s three Magna things up there aaaand� Geegee himself. Hey, he�s got a new cape.� �Really? What colour?� Rio stood up on his toes, trying to see. �It�s green and red on the inside.� �I wonder what happened to his white and red one.� �Probably got a hole in it.� Fletcher called up to them. �Enough of the fashion report. What�s he doing?� �I don�t KNOW, his cape is BLOCKING IT! He�s beside one of those consoles. Now he�s waving his hand about. And now he�s saying something.� The battledroids started moving towards the exit. �I can�t make out what he�s saying. He sounds angry.� �Cor, he�s always angry.� �Yeah, he needs anger management classes badly.� �Get down from there, Cor! He�s turning around!� The squad scattered and hid. Fletcher, Finn, Cor and Rio hid under the old, broken consoles and Reggie hid under a table, with his kama pulled over him. (If you�re wondering what Grievous was saying, he said, �THERE�S NO SUCH THING AS GHOSTS, YOU SHITHEADS, SO STAY AT YOUR STATIONS!�) They heard him clanking across the centre. Towards them. The MagnaGuards had disappeared. They crept back into hiding. They could hear him breathing heavily now as he passed among them. Cor saw his chance. He caught Grievous� cape hem and stuck it under the leg of a console. There was a ripping sound and Cor knew his work was done. Grievous swung around cursing. He lifted up his damaged cape to examine it. Cor strained his ears. He heard angry muttering. �This is the second fucking time! Where�s my sowing shit gone?� He stormed through the doors at the far side. Cor got up and posed proudly. What he hadn�t expected was a rebuttal. �You IDIOT Cor! What would have happened if he saw you? The whole mission, CAPUT!� Fletcher hesitated. �Though it was pretty good work.� Cor was about to reply, when they heard music by the Darkness blaring in the next room. "Love is only a feeling-" It skipped onto another track. "My momma want to know Where I'm spending all my dough Honey all she does is nag, nag, nag-" Cor started tapping his feet and rocking his head so hard Fletcher thought he would suffer whiplash. �Cor, what are you doing?� �I LOVE THIS SONG!� Fletcher turned to the others. �Now�s our chance! Come on!� They all snuck into the room through the open door, Cor still rocking his head. Grievous was sitting in a swivel chair with his clawed feet up on a small table. There was a stereo right in front of him, its volume up at MAX. He was sowing his damaged cape back together. The rest of the cape (he was nearly finished already) was hanging over the chair. Reggie risked a whisper to Rio, who barely heard. �Well this is unexpected.� �Cor seems to be enjoying himself.� Cor was now playing air-guitar. Finn was playing air drums. Fletcher was staring. He walked over to Cor and asked him something from his belt. Rio and Reggie gasped as Fletcher walked carefully over to where Grievous was sitting. They watched anxiously as he hid behind the chair and held up the end of Grievous� cape. He took the marker that he borrowed from Cor. He started writing on the cape. He finished it and held it up. It read: Does this cape make me look fat? Finn gave him a thumbs-up and Fletcher passed it to him as he came over. He paused for a moment then wrote: Dude, where�s my wang? Finn threw it to Rio who wrote: Please adjust my butt armour. Reggie got the marker next. He wrote: Non machine washable. He pointed and the others shook their heads. They went back to their usual positions just as Cor went up to do his message. He was writing: Shaak Ti has the biggest ti-, but then Grievous stood up. He was holding his cape and Cor was still holding the other end. He turned and saw Cor. There was a tense silence (the last track had ended). Cor tentatively waved his free hand. That got Grievous really mad. �REPUBLIC SCUM!� He swiped violently at Cor, who was expecting it, and ducked. He roared and a deadly game of chase began. Unfortunately, Grievous was a lot faster, but Cor acted randomly and used the unorthodox. Cor ran around the chair, Grievous jumped it. Cor double taked pushed the table into him. Grievous drew one of his lightsabers. Cor backed into a wall. He took off his shoe and threw it at Grievous. He dodged and looked back at Cor. �Why did you throw your SHOE? You have a GUN!� �I don�t like my shoes. Your lightsaber matches my armour.� �What are you talking about? This is sky blue, that�s royal blue!� �Well they�re still both blue.� �Enough!� Grievous threw his lightsaber at Cor. It almost hit him, but he had shifted to turn on the stereo. �What are you doing now?� He activated another lightsaber. Cor took the one from the wall. �I like the Darkness.� Grievous paused, and let his guard down. "You like the Darkness? Which song's your favourite?" He shoved the lightsaber into the wall and burned his name into it. Grievous was taken off guard by his last answer. The song started and Cor was back to air-guitaring. Grievous stared at him for a second, seeing that he had thrown the lightsaber away. Ho lowered his arm but didn�t deactivate it. Cor wasn�t paying any attention to him, but continued talking. "Got any guitars?� Grievous hung his head. �No.� While this was happening, Fletcher was signalling for the others to leave one by one. They stayed at the door, not wanting to abandon Cor just yet. �Me neither. Clone trooper pay is shit.� �You got paid?� �Only the ARC troopers. But our union is fucking terrible.� �I don�t get paid. Viceroy Shitty of the Galaxy and Count Dickhead said I�m still paying for the cyborg implants�. �That sucks ass. Why don�t you go on strike? Me and the boys did once, didn�t work for two months, until this siege thing happened.� �You�re responsible for the shield generators getting knocked out.� Grievous had raised his lightsaber. Cor still seemed oblivious. �Not really. My squad mates knocked out a smaller one. I didn�t actually do much - hey, what are you doing with that lightsaber?� Grievous had thrown his other lightsaber at him. �Enough chatting! You must die!� �Why?� �WHY? Because you�re with the Republic!� �Oh yeah, that. Well in that case-CIAO BABE!� He hit the floor, ran under Grievous� legs and out the door. Grievous turned and ran out after him. Cor nearly collided with the rest of the squad in the main room. �Cor, what happ-?� �GOGOGOGOGOGO!� He pushed them onwards. They heard Grievous� footsteps clanking loudly behind them. Fletcher grasped the situation quickly. �RUN FOR IT!� They burst out of the left exit. The door they had entered by would be covered in battledroids. They were running out into the night, but the two moons lit their way. Grievous was catching up, but they still kept a fair distance from him. Suddenly Fletcher saw the three other MagnaGuards jump out at them, spinning their electrostaffs threateningly. He signalled, and the squad split. Finn and Fletcher ducked underneath MagnaGuards, distracting them, and Rio, Cor and Reggie dived and hit the three of them on the crotch simultaneously. They folded and collapsed. But that had wasted time and Grievous had caught up. �RRAAAAGH!� He had two lightsabers activated and he was nearest to Reggie. Cor grabbed a MagnaGuard�s staff, wrenching it from its fingers, and threw it at Grievous. He paused to knock it out of the way and Reggie and Cor flew after the others. We need a ride and fast, Fletcher thought. They had entered the forest and were pelting their way through it. Grievous stormed through the trees. �Quick! Turn left! Left!� The squad diverted just as an object thrown by Grievous hit Cor. He picked it up and continued running. �My shoe, THANKS!� Grievous answered by throwing a tree trunk at him. �HEY THAT�S NOT MINE!� Rio spotted their gunship at the edge of the forest. �How did that get there?� Fletcher yelled to him. �NEVER MIND HOW IT GOT THERE, GET IN!� One by one they jumped in. Cor came last and hopped onto the pilot�s seat. He revved up the engines and blasted off away from the trees. As soon as he did he heard a �clunk� on the side of the ship. Grievous had gripped onto it with his feet. Cor swerved violently, trying to dislodge him. The squad in the passenger hold groaned and clung to anything that was bolted down. Another clunk. Grievous was climbing onto the roof. Cor got a sudden sense of freedom. With Grievous to be taken care of, he could drive as dangerously as he could. The squad would understand that it was necessary. He laughed evilly. �Mwahahahahah!� Cor accelerated, deaf to the pleas in the background. If the squad hadn�t buckled down they�d be out the window by now. He swerved again, did a complete 360 donut and headed for the other trees in the distance. CLUNK. He was coming closer to the cockpit. Cor entered the forest, suddenly thinking how many trees this planet had. Branches snapped and whacked off the windscreen. He saw just what he was looking for in a clearing up ahead. A tree that could fit a gunship in it. He yelled in triumph. �FIRE THE EMERGENCY BOOSTER ENGINES!� CLUNK. Grievous was right above him. �THAT�S MY LINE YOU BASTARD!� �FINE! I�LL GET MY OWN LINE! EX-TER-MINATE!� �THAT�S NOT YOUR LINE EITHER!� Cor shot the tree with the only rocket left. The gunship went soaring through the hole. Grievous couldn�t fit and had to jump off. Cor slowed slightly and the others breathed out a huge sigh of relief. Fletcher got shakily back to his feet. �Well done, Cor. Even though you know we don�t like it when you do that!� �It was necessary, Sarg! EVERYONE STILL THERE?� There were multiple groans. Cor grinned under his helmet. �OH NO! HE�S COMING BACK!� The others were on their feet immediately. �WHERE?� �JUST KIDDING! And away we go!� He blasted past the speed limit sign. Fletcher cried desperately for him to stop and he braked suddenly. �COR! I SAID STOP- AAAH!� They looked out. They were beside the Star Destroyer. �Everybody out! End of the line!�
