THE MANY ADVENTURES OF THE ARSE SQUAD Distractions of Unusual Kinds There are some things most ARC troopers never dream of doing especially in public.Then again, as cloners will often tell you, independent thought isn�t always a good thing. Cloning isn�t a foolproof system and clones can learn to disobey certain orders. Clone troopers should be compliant and easy to work with. This particular squad of Advanced Recon Commandos, known affectionately as the Arse Squad, was one of the early prototypes. They excelled in every military activity they were taught, and had been hand trained by Jango Fett himself, who had graded them all �As�. But the only problem was a little too much independent thought. And a selection of bad habits. They put their Jedi generals through hell and back by playing some well-known practical jokes (nobody knows where they learnt them) which included their all-time favourite, which was to take off their kamas and give the Jedi a sound whipping on the butt. This inspired their peers to call them the Arse Whippers, or Arse Squad for short. Yet somehow, they managed to stay in the Army of the Republic, because they could complete missions in record time. But enough about the history of the Arse Squad, let�s get on with the story� A loud resounding BUUUURPPP echoed around a nearly empty battlefield. A small tent was pitched in the shadow of a Star Destroyer. This was not where the stars of the story were; this belonged to the poor Jedi Knight who had been forced out of the cruiser after falling prey to the Arse Squad�s infamous prank, and finding it very painful to sit down. The belch had come from the conning spire, where the Arse Squad was. �Oh yeah! Nine seconds! I just broke your record, Finn!� This trooper was sprawled over three chairs, an empty bottle of Bierr in his gloved hand. He was grinning widely at his companion, who scowled. There were two red patches on the first trooper�s cheeks that had been growing ever since he started the Bierr. And yes, it was an alcoholic drink. The trooper, Finn threw his bottle out the viewport. �Useless piece of shit.� � Oh-oh, someone�s jealous�� �Shut up Reggie. At least I wasn�t named after a fag.� Across the room, the other three occupants were having a competition of their own. Rio was timing and Cor and Fletcher were preparing to race swivel chairs. They sat on their chairs and placed a hand each on the wall. �Ready Cor?� �Sure am.� �Ready Sarg?� �Quit stalling, Rio.� �I�ll take that as a yes. On your chairs, get tense, PUSH!� The two swivel chairs went flying in different directions. Cor just happened to get it wrong. �DAMNIT, COR! I SAID LEFT!� Rio dived out of the way as Cor flew bang into the wall. Whooping with triumph, Fletcher sailed out the door. �YOU�LL NEVER BEAT THE FLETCHING SARG!� There was a crash from the corridor. Then came Fletcher�s voice, somewhat muffled. �COR! You asshole! YOU SAID THIS DOOR WAS OPEN!!� Cor didn�t even hear him. He was rolling around on the floor laughing. �You fell for it! Never trust the Arse Squad!� �I�m PART of the Arse Squad!� �Well� DON�T TRUST YOURSELF EITHER!� ��Cor, you�re a dumbass. You could give Reggie a run for his credits.� Fletcher had come back in, rubbing minor injuries. �Good thing you shielded your crotch this time.� Fletcher sat down heavily, giving Cor a dirty look. He grabbed his Bierr. �You can forget about the bet, I don�t give credits to cheaters.� That shut Cor up. Rio was standing very still, with his head cocked. �Oh shit. Someone�s coming! Hide the booze! Hide the booze!� All empty bottles were thrown out the viewport and the unopened ones were shoved under consoles. Fletcher downed his and stuffed his helmet back on. A regular trooper came in and saluted. � I bring a message from General Fisto.� Fletcher and Finn groaned in unison. �Not another aquatic mission.� � My scuba gear stank of swamp water for two weeks after the last one.� The trooper looked around at them. �It�s a land mission. He needs you to knock out one of the droid army�s lesser power generators. They are located on the eastern side of their fortifications. If you knock it out, we can begin our attack from behind and we will knock out the main generator ourselves.� Reggie was fiddling with something on his belt. �Seems like a waste of time to me. Why not get rid of the main generator first?� Fletcher threw a thermal detonator at him. It bounced off his helmet and onto the floor. �HAHA! Didn�t hurt!� Fletcher let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. �The reason we aren�t knocking out the main generator first is because the smaller ones are protecting it.� He said this all slowly to Reggie. �I knew that. I just wanted to make sure everyone else did.� Fletcher looked at Finn. �Would you do the honours?� �Gladly.� Finn motioned to Cor and they hoisted Reggie off his chair and threw him into the closet. They braced the door with Reggie�s now vacant chair. Reggie�s voice came through the door, sounding hurt. �Awww, come on guys! Let me out! There was a spider in here last time!� Fletcher ignored this. Finn came and sat down again. �And?� �And� he asks if you will stay for the rest of the battle.� The clone was a little bewildered after witnessing Reggie�s treatment. �Why do you think he didn�t tell us this himself?� Fletcher was grinning evilly behind his helmet. The clone was stuttering. �He�he�just didn�t want�to�?� �Wrong. But you�ll see. Dismissed.� The trooper saluted again and turned to leave. Fletcher leaned towards Finn. �Is Cor game?� �Yeah. He�s ready.� They watched as the trooper was suddenly assaulted by an airborne Cor, picked up and bodily thrown out the door. �You got him, Cor.� �Mwahahaha�� Reggie was finally let out after the trooper recovered and left. He seemed very pleased with himself. �I got it.� He indicated the small black smudge on his boot. �Now what the hell is going on? I heard the generator part, but then you, you know�� Finn, Cor and Rio looked at each other. �NOTTELLINGHIM!� Then Fletcher realised that they were staring expectantly at him. �Gods damnit�� �Ok, so we blow up the generator, the one on the east side, then the main army blows up the big one? And then we can come back to the Destroyer and drink some more?� �Yes, Reggie. But we have to stay for some of the battle.� �Oh.� The squad was in their gunship, Fletcher was still explaining the mission to Reggie and the others were talking about guns. Cor was piloting and he heard Fletcher. �Well they can go suck Arse�s ass if they think I�m sticking around for much of it.� Fletcher shook his head. He knew that Cor loved taking his angry out on droids. Rio piped up. �Hey who brought the Bierr?� �Reggie did.� �Can we pour some of it into a battledroid?� Reggie looked up. �Em� about the Bierr�� The others groaned. They were suddenly thrown off their feet when Cor accelerated. �Cor, what the fu-?� �APPROACHING ENEMY LINES! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!� Cor blasted a rocket straight into a tree. The gunship was heading for it. �WHO GAVE COR THE MAGIC MUSHROOMS?!� The tree was almost on them. Cor didn�t stop. Then, just when they should have crashed, Cor stopped. �Holy shit, Cor! Are you trying to kill us?� �Take a look outside, Sarg.� Fletcher looked. They were inside the tree. �Ah. Nice cover.� The squad abseiled down and Fletcher surveyed the enemy camp. It was pretty well organised and guarded. One look told Fletcher that this would be easy. �Finn?� �Yessum.� �Got the launcher?� �Always.� Finn came up and went down on one knee. He set the missile launcher up and rested it on his shoulder. �I�ve got a target.� �Good. Reg, your turn.� �Oh, great.� Reggie marched up to the nearest droid ship and walked around it. The others watched with much interest. Fletcher whispered to Finn. �When he�s done fire at will.� �Will do, Sarg.� They watched closely as Reggie came into full view of the droids. He was wearing a grass skirt, a coconut bra and a fruit hat over his armour. He strolled up to the droids, hands on his hips. �Hey droids, wanna piece o� this?� He reached down and pressed play on a small portable stereo. The music blared and he started to dance. �Oh ah boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom hee hee! Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom hee hee!� The droids drew their weapons but didn�t fire. Rio was shaking with suppressed laughter. �It�s working! Gets funnier every time.� Some of the battledroids started tapping their feet. Reggie twirled as the music got louder. �OH AH BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM HEE HEE! BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM HEE HEE!� Reggie did his best attempt at breakdancing, and his fruit hat nearly fell off. He snatched it back in time and readjusted it. The music changed into a song known across the galaxy. �CONGA CONGA CONGA! CONGA CONGA CONGA!� The droids joined in and Reggie was now at the start of a fifty-person, er, droid conga line. Fletcher saw his chance. �Fire.� �One fried generator coming up.� His body jerked with the force of the missile and less than a second later the generator exploded. Droid heads turned and saw the wreckage. They reacted by raising their blasters, ready to blast Reggie to the ground. But all that was left was a fruit hat. �Great Reg! We finally have a good use for you!� There was much slapping on Reggie�s back when he was reunited with the squad. �You know that was kind of�fun.� �Of course it was. Now let�s get going.� �But I thought we had to stay?� �Change of plan.� Then Cor ran straight into the droid army. �TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!� �COR! NOW IS NOT THE TIME! Oh what the hell�� Fletcher whipped out his twin blasters and ran after Cor, followed by Rio and Finn. Reggie just stared at their backs, confused. Blaster fire surrounded the Arse Squad. They returned it, miraculously not getting hit. Cor ran up to a spider droid and with a flying leap, landed on top and blasted it repeatedly. Rio grabbed a battledroid from behind and used it as another blaster and a shield. All Finn needed was his launcher and he was untouchable. Fletcher had his twin blasters and a quick mind. Reggie arrived and covered Cor. Then, by absolute coincidence , the main army arrived. Backed by several thousand troops, the Arse Squad triumphed. But nobody noticed all five of them slowly retreating to the backlines. By the time General Fisto realised they were gone, they were back in the Star Destroyer, getting wasted and playing sabacc with the occasional curse drifting out to the night air.
