God denies alleged endorsement of Bush administration, sues for misappropriation.
After President Bush’s claim that “We’re on a mission from God”, Jehovah took legal action against the use of His name without consent. “I want no part in this,” He said, “Iraq was all his idea.” The case was to be held on the 7th of November, but was thrown out when God failed to appear in court.

Yasser Arafat still dead
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat passed away on November 11th. He now lies buried in the city of Ramallah. Though he might be dead, this issue lives on. Be prepared for constant incessantly trivial updates on his death as if something is going to change.

Zombies arise in midwest, vote pro-life
In a shocking turn of events that challenge the teachings of modern science, the recently dead arose in several southern states this past month. This ignited dozens of scientific, moral, and political debates. Simon Pintefitz, chairman of the Dead People Are People Too movement, says that “Our rotting comrades should have every right we do. We can’t discriminate against these gentle simpletons simply because of their horrific appearance, vomitatious odor and their tendency to eat human flesh.” The DPAPT recently celebrated their greatest victory to date: The dead can now vote. Unsurprisingly, they plan to vote pro-life. Local deadite Marcus Finnigan quips “Braaaains. Gaaaaah.”

French strike oil, America issues formal apology
This Thursday, black gold was unearthed in the backyard of Parisian snail farmer Pierre Escargot. Such a large deposit of decayed dinosaurs has never been found outside of the Middle East. In response to this, the government dispatched Ambassador Frenchy French LeSaille to deliver a large “We’re sorry” card adorned with puppies and flowers and signed by all members of Congress. An excerpt of the letter reads, “...and we really really didn’t mean that Freedom Fries thing. It was just a joke. Take us back.” French President Chirac was closed to the press.

Life found on Mars, evangelicals plan to send missionaries
In another truly groundbreaking discovery, space probe Vega discovered single-celled organisms on Mars. Scientists worldwide rejoice as the theory of extraterrestrial life has been proven once and for all. Relatively unshaken, the evangelical committee plans to launch a makeshift spacecraft filled with professional shouters to attempt to “correct their sinful ways and show them the word of the Lord.” To rationalize this, Arod Smead says “Now that we have lions, this just seemed the next logical step.”

Dr Phil / Oprah wedding sparks protest, America wants to sleep at night
Phil McGraw’s proposal to lover *shudder* Oprah Winfrey was sadly cut short as the chapel that was to hold their wedding was brutally burned to it’s foundation. Anonymous Activist shouts “Believe me, this is better than what will come from this unholy union. We don’t want our children growing up with those...those UGLY things having...having...GAAH!” United States Legislation has yet to decide on the pending bill to legalize the wedding of what they call “shouldn’ts”

Scott Peterson ruled guilty, Laci and Conner unavailable for comment
As the jury delivered their stunning verdict of the infamous Peterson case, it seemed as though they were telling it to an empty courtroom. Not only were Mike Garagos and Lee Peterson missing from the court, the entire prosecuting party, Laci and Conner Peterson were also absent....wait, what? I’ve just been told...oh...disregard that last article. I’ve also been told I need to have my things packed by noon.

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