As a concerned Christian, I try to keep a sensitive finger pressed tightly against the faint pulse of evangelicalism. For that reason I subscribe to a wide variety of theological journals. At least a dozen or more show up in my mailbox each month, but the most enlightening of the whole bunch is The Baptist Howitzer. Edited by Pastor Harry C. Hunter, the BH is published by the Textus Receptus Baptist Church of Whiteyville, West Virginia. Hunter is the renowned author of several best selling books, including The Inspiration of C.I. Scofield, The KJV: If It's Good Enough For Paul, It's Good Enough For Me, and a devotional volume called Daily Dispensations of Grace. The Howitzer functions as a literary extension of his unique apologetical ministry.
Recently, when I e-mailed Pastor Hunter to express my appreciation for his fine publication, I asked him to succinctly describe its primary aim. He said, and I quote, "Blasting the hell out of liberals by the sheer force of truth. The masthead ain't lying, you know." Indeed, I do. Liberals simply don't stand a chance if they're on the incoming side of such explosive fire power.
During our computerized exchange the Reverend indicated he would like to do an interview with some notorious theologian of questionable credentials. Jokingly, I suggested Father Felim McAllister. Big mistake. Hunter took me seriously, contacted McAllister, and set up a phone interview. Apparently the questioning didn't go too smoothly because just tonight Felim sent me a portion of the transcript with a note attached saying I am a royal wazoo. Judge for yourself, but I see no reason for Felim to be so radically upset with me.
HUNTER: Father McAllister, are you gay?
McALLISTER: What?!!!
HUNTER: Do you have unnatural affections towards human beings with a gender similar to your own?
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!
HUNTER: Come on, Mr. McAllister. You're an Episcopal priest in a denomination known to harbor men of the cloth whose, shall we say, preference I'd rather not take upon my lips. Are you one of them?
McALLISTER: I think not.
HUNTER: Think not? In other words, you're undecided. A typical liberal tendency if I ever saw one.
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!!!! I'm married, Pastor Hunter.
HUNTER: To a real woman?
McALLISTER: No, to an inflatable rubber raft.
HUNTER: Oh, my dear Father McAllister. I'll pray for you. You're far worse off than I ever imagined.
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUNTER: Since we have your liberal sexual identity identified, let's move on to a different subject. Which version of the Bible do you prefer?
McALLISTER: The English Standard Version.
HUNTER: Figures. Liberal Bible, liberal preacher.
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUNTER: Don't "what" me, you flaming heretic, or I'll "what" you. What's wrong, for example, with the grand ole KJV of 1611? If it's good enough for Paul, it certainly ought to be good enough for you.
McALLISTER: Uh . . . Paul didn't write the King James Version.
HUNTER: He didn't? You're saying the great Apostle did not pen Romans, Ephesians, Colossians, and all the other epistles bearing his name? Exactly as I thought. Higher criticism. Moses--did Moses play any part in the composition of the Pentateuch in the King's English?
McALLISTER: No.
HUNTER: Arrogant weasel. Once again, I demand to know why you spurn the 1611 Scriptures.
McALLISTER: How about the New Testament manuscript tradition for starters?
HUNTER: Tradition? Sir, I'll have you understand there's nary a speck of such nefarious stuff behind the Textus Receptus. Came straight down from on high, it did. I'm trying to speak the truth in love here, but you're a feline who loves to have your ears scratched by the traditions of men. Yes, Father, you're the evil spawn of a hell cat and I'm fixing to blast you. Your mailing address, please.
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUNTER: Let's move along. State your doctrine--if you have any.
McALLISTER: The Apostles Creed, the Nicene Creed, the Thirt-Nine Articles, the Westminster Confession of Faith and its catechisms, the Heidelberg Catechism, Belgic Confession and the Canons of Dort.
HUNTER: Listen, boy, I stand on the Bible and the Blood. "No creed but Christ" is my motto. Ought to be yours, also.
McALLISTER: Those creeds and confessions define historic orthodoxy.
HUNTER: Yeah, whatever. On to your personal life. I bet you partake of alcoholic spirits. True or false?
McALLISTER: Single malt scotch, appreciated in moderation, is quite enjoyable.
HUNTER: Drinking the devil's urine, eh?
McALLISTER: What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUNTER: Hobbies, recreational interests?
McALLISTER: Fly fishing.
HUNTER: Swishing a stick in a stream? Another liberal sissy pursuit. If you want to catch fish, son, try a he-man masculine method for a change. Toss a stick of dynamite in a pond and blow them suckers clear to the surface. Works every time.
McALLISTER: Thanks for the advice.
HUNTER: Hey, does a guy like you have any male friends who aren't . . . um . . . a little strange?
McALLISTER: Izaak Greyfriar . . .
HUNTER: Haven't heard of him.
McALLISTER: Living in Almost Heaven keeps you out of the loop, huh?
HUNTER: Are you insulting me, boy?
McALLISTER: . . . the Reverend William D. Brown of Minnesota fame.
HUNTER: Wait, I recognize that name. He's a bigger liberal wacko than you. I spoke with him around two years ago. He dumps mushy wads of hillbilly brainpower--a former West Virginian himself, you know--on Barth, Bonhoeffer, Brueggeman and many other bozos of the faith. We spoke about his library. Crap, pure crap. Smokes a pipe if I remember right. Loves to flirt with Fair Lady Nicotine. Dang sure sounds like adultery to me. I can't recall how he and I got connected. I posted a survey on the internet once to inquire about contemporary religious fruitcakes. Probably somebody up north sent me his name.
McALLISTER: Brown is an intimate friend.
HUNTER: Surprise, surprise. And Mr. Fuller? Care to elaborate on your special relationship with him?
McALLISTER: We're very close.
HUNTER: I feel sorry for the poor fool. You ought to show him some tangible kindness, however. Had Mr. Fuller not encouraged our Ma Bell rendezvous you would have missed the blessing of having cold water poured on your warm and fuzzy path.
McALLISTER: Trust me, Mr. Fuller will receive from my hand the righteous gift he truly deserves.
HUNTER: Hallelujah! Repent, sinner, oh repent!
Readers of The Churchwarden, unless I'm mistaken, I detect a veiled threat in Father McAllister's parting comment to Pastor Hunter. I've endeavored to address him face to face regarding his anger toward me, but I get nowhere. I gather he's too perturbed to talk at present. Yet, I'm not fearful. Given our spiritual proximity, reconciliation is reasonably imminent. Nevertheless, pray for us both. The above interview should be printed in the May issue of The Baptist Howitzer and I personally hope Felim will be able to recall his sense of humor by then. Meanwhile, if you're interested in becoming a Howitzer subscriber, the web site is: http://www.baptist/boom-boom.com
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©copyright 2003, Perry S. Fuller
