Life is a joke in itself, including yours and mine, following are just few of them …

FAQ: Why didn’t u organize this neatly?

Answer: Is that a joke?

THE MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE:

The Doctor because he says: take your clothes off|

The dentist because he says: open wide

The Hairdresser because he says: do you want it teased or blown

The Milkman because he says: do you want it in the front or back

The Interior Decorator because he says: once its in, you'll love it

The Banker because he says: if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest

The Hunter because he: always goes deep in the bush, he shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots

The Telekom Serviceman because he says: would you like it on the table or against the wall.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up

after you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and

rested.Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man does not know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "It happens in every country, son."

**BECAUSE I'M A GUY

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television

remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If

the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole

show looking for it, though one time I was able

to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the

car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and

ignore your suggestions that we call a road

service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I

will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I

know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows

up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be

able to fix these things, but now with all these

computers and everything, I wouldn't know

where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need

someone to bring me soup and take care of me

while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as

sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to

purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk

or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic

items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these

are the same thing. And never, under any

circumstances, expect me to pick up anything

for which "feminine hygiene product" is a

euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances

stops working I will insist on taking it apart,

despite evidence that this will just cost me twice

as much once the repair person gets here and

has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that

lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and

ask someone. Why would you listen to a

complete stranger - how the heck could HE

know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me

what I'm thinking about. The answer is always

either sex or football, though I have to make up

something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your

mother, or have your mother come visit us, or

talk to her when she calls, or think about her

any more than I have to. Whatever you got her

for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it.

Did you remember to pick up something for my

mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing,

"one more beer and I really have to go," and

mean it every single time I say it, even when it

gets to the point that the one bar closes and my

buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I

will find it increasingly hilarious to have my

pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and

no, I don't understand why you threw all my

clothes into the front yard. What's the

connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I

liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at

the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the

radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors

comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every

single time about how Bruce had his picture on

the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day,

or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and

everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave

as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing

is fine. I thought what you were wearing five

minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is

fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your

hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's,

I will share equally in the housework. You do

the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the

dishes. I'll do the rest.

WORLD OF 'AH BENG'

An Englishman, an American and Ah Beng are called upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishman says, "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer."

BUZZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "OK," he says, "10 bottles."

And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers" BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie

detector.

"OK," he says, "8 hamburgers." And the machine is silent.

Then Ah Beng says, "I think..." BUZZZZZZ, goes the machine and the machine

is still going "BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ .

======================================================

Question to Ah beng : "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"

Answer from Ah Beng: "No, who wrote it?"

======================================================

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the clerk asked :" Would you like it to be cut

into six or twelve pieces.

Ah Beng replies:"Six, please. I don't think I can finish twelve pieces that

much."

======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a R(A) movie with twenty one of his friends?

Because below 21 was not allowed.

======================================================

In the army Sgt ask coporal :" That day I saw you running when Pte Ah Beng throws a pin at you. Why ah?

Coporal answers :"Must run like Hell..he's got the hand grenade in his mouth.

=====================================================

How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?

Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

======================================================

How did the Ah Beng try to kill a bird he had caught ?

He threw it out of the window hoping that it would fall to it's death .

======================================================

Why does Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms?

He think someone is taking his picture.

======================================================

Ah Lian and Ah Beng was walking and Ah lian saw a dead bird.

Ah Lian says:"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Ah Beng looked up into the sky and ask "Where, Where?

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellerslack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpmdescent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the descriptionof the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room. With that the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Excerpts taken from real letters sent to "Dear Abby".
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their
apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
-- Curious

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure
this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every
week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I
tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor.

Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give
him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
-- Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early?
-- Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
-- Annie

Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever
caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford
to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-- Sam

Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write?
-- Ted

Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no
bad habits.
-- Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.

Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
-- Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and day.

Performance Appraisal Terms & Their Real Meanings...

Term: GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS

Meaning: Able to bullshit

Term: GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Meaning: Spends lots of time on phone

Term: AVERAGE EMPLOYEE Meaning: Not too bright Term: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED

Meaning: Made no major blunders yet

Term: WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY

Meaning: Too ugly to get a date

Term: ACTIVE SOCIALLY

Meaning: Drinks a lot

Term: FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY

Meaning: Spouse drinks, too

Term: INDEPENDENT WORKER

Meaning: Nobody knows what he/she does

Term: QUICK THINKING

Meaning: Offers plausible excuses

Term: CAREFUL THINKER

Meaning: Won't make a decision

Term: AGGRESSIVE

Meaning: Obnoxious

Term: USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS

Meaning: Gets someone else to do it

Term: EXPRESSES HIMSELF WELL

Meaning: Speaks some English

Term: METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL

Meaning: A nit picking nut

Term: HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES

Meaning: Is tall or has a loud voice

Term: EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT

Meaning: Lucky

Term: CAREER MINDED

Meaning: Back Stabber

Term: LOYAL

Meaning: Can't get a job anywhere else

Term: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR

Meaning: Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Term: HAS AN EXTENSIVE PERSONAL LIBRARY

Meaning: Copies rented porno movies

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people, who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

* * * * * *

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

* * * * * *

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

* * * * * *

Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?

Defendant: Well, you come every day.

* * * * * *

Why did the man wear a wet shirt? Because the shirt's label said: "Wash and wear."

* * * * *

Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people?

A: Madrid.

* * * * *

A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence. When is your birthday dear? asked the teacher to his six-year old. "22nd February", said the child. "What year my dear?" Asked the teacher. "Every year", said the child with a smile

* * * * *

Sunny: My mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday.

Sonia: Oh! anyone dead?

Sunny: Yes All of them

* * * * *

My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy two tickets: One to get in, the other to get out.

* * * * * *

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Can't be. Why Not? Opportunity knocks only once.

* * * * * *

Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying?

A: The living room.

* * * * * *

Q: When can 60 people stand under an umbrella without getting wet?

A: When it isn't raining.

* * * * *

Raju: How many sides does a circle have?

Ravi: A circle does not have any side."

Raju: Yes, it does, the inside and the outside.

* * * * * *

Q: Why are doctors and lawyers never perfect?

A: Because they are always practising.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Stress Reliever # 1

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"

___________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

__________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 3

Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

___________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 4

Wife to husband : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife : "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband : "What ? At 2 a.m. ?!"

Husband to wife : "Yes, We used night clubs."

___________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

___________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam:"let me see your report card."

Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

___________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room mate.

"Terrible!" the room mate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

'Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

__________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 8

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.

She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened."

_________________________________________________________________

Little Johnny is back:

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up : "We are all human beans."

-------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

Little Johnny : He gets stepped on.

Lawyers are such fun...
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have youperformed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."