the window to my soul

Dreamt the night of Sunday 2/10/02
19 people were all gathered into a mansion. We were told we were all players in a game. The game was this: everyone was playing a character out of some book. We had no idea what character we were playing and only two of the 19 were allowed to read all the books. But we weren't allowed to know which 2 and we weren't allowed to ask. In all of the books, the main character died. So what we had to do, is try to avoid the same situation in which the character died in the book. And since the characters were assigned to us based on our thinking patterns and the type of people we were, the idea was to second guess our natural instincts for fear that was how the character died. (does that make sense?) It was like Clue where we had to go all around the house. One guy went with me into the garden and as soon as he stepped out he slipped on the stone step and fell and died. But before he died he realized who his character was and what the scenario was in the book when he died. (something about the character's wife being murdered or something). Then I went out on the patio and saw Vishal there with some other people. Apparently he was playing too. He smelled like alcohol so people were suspicious that he knew something he shouldn't. So we were making up some theories about powder and alcohol and how they can't mix or something strange like that. I was really torn about Vishal. I didn't want to think he was a bad guy who knew something eh shouldn't but everyone else ewas thinking it. That's when I woke up.

Dreamt the night of Monday 2/18/02
I was sitting at my computer desk at home working on something and my brother was standing next to me talking on the phone with one of his friends. It was getting kind of annoying to hear him talk on and on and on so I decided to go downstairs. When I got there it was complete chaos. My mom was in her night gown looking really angry. My dad was standing in the kitchen with all of htese cardboard boxes and styrofoam things all lying around. Apparently they were for networking our computers. But he was dressed in a dress shirt and nice slacks and it looked like he was on his way to work. But both of them were really angry. So I kept asking what was going on or why they were mad but no one answered me. Then my dad left and my mom ordered me to clean up the mess. I got mad cuz I didn't make the mess and the boxes were too big for me to carry especially since my back was hurting tha tmorning. But she gave me no choice so I had to do it. I went upstairs to find my brother and he helped me while he was talking on the phone. It was still really annoying that he wasn't paying full attention to what he was doign but I got over it. WHen we got back inside my dad was back and he was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and was working on something in our bar. I looked at the nook table and there was Amy from Everybody Loves Raymond who was crying. I was confused and asked what was going on and my dad said in a really harsh tone "don't you start crying and ruin everything too". I went ot my mom who was still in the kitchen and was really angry. I asked her what was going on and she said nothing to me at all. From behind Amy i could read a part of her journal she was writing in. THe last thing she had written was "I'm not sure how things are going to work out but as long as Parijat is here I think I'll be ok." And then I woke up.

Dreamt the night of Tuesday 5/14/02
I was in Berkeley near the BART station standing around worried about my anthro midterm. This guy, lets call him "Q", came up to me and asked me how things are going. (PS I'll call him Q becaues I don't want word to get around to him or anyone who knows him that it was him. Ugg Indian people talk too much.) Anyway, I told him things were going terribly, thinking in my mind that it was in refernce to my Anthro studying and how I was oging to fail. He thought terribly meant in reference to me and Amit. He thought we had broken up. So he asked me to go to his place and "relax". I realized what he was doing as we were goig to his place (which was apparently on the corner of Shattuck and University) so I decided to play with him a bit. He wanted to undress both of us but since I knew what he was doing I told him to go ahead and I'd catch up to him in a bit. SO he was down to his boxers (which were white with red hearts - I remember pitying him in my dream). I told him to ocme outside for a second cuz I wanted to show him something. So he came out just like that on the corner of University and SHattuck and as he was asking me why were out there I ran away. I literally sprinted away and I was laughign so hard! And I ran into Amit on Shattuck and told him what happened and he told me to call Q back and apologize cuz what I did was really mean. But I didn't cuz I thought he deserved it.

Dreamt the night of Thursday 5/16/02
I was in my room at home and I got a phone call from some girl named Cindy who had heard that my mom had breast cancer a few years ago and wanted to know if we had done any research on alternative treatments because the doctors had basically given up on her mom and she didn't want to yet. So I went downstairs into the kitchen to talk to my mom and ask her what alternatives there were. Later I went to Cindy's place (I could actually see her face which is unusual for me in my dreams) and met her and her two sisters. We sat in one of the rooms and I told them everything. As I was talking I couldn't keep myself from crying. I knew what it was like to have a mom get breast cancer and it made me sad to think about it. I was also sad for them because they're mom was in a much worse situation than my mom was. It just made me so sad. But none of them showed any emotion so I felt awkward for being emotional and a bit irritated for their apathy. I told them everything I knew and went home. My uncle from Cincinatti was there and he gave me a hug and I just burst out crying. It was like all of my emotions of everythign just came out and it felt relieving.

Dreamt the night of Thursday 5/16/02
I was at a gym on a machine that looks like you're on skis but not really. I don't know what it's caleld but i was exercising and from behind me someone told me that I was supposed to meet Amit, Kushal and Marina for dinner. So I left and joined joined them at a restaurant that was very nicely decorated. Amit and Kushal were wearing suits and ties and when Marina came after me, she was wearing a "silky" dark purple shirt and a black skirt. Right when I got there Amit asked the waiter for red wine - which I thought was weird because none oof us drink. Without asking for ID the waiter brought it over and Amit took the bottle and dumped some in Kushal's coke. The waiter complimented Amit on his knack at mixing drinks (hehe). Before the waiter came to take our order Kushal was almost drunk. I got really uncomfortable around him but there was nothing I could do. When the waiter came, I realized I hadn't looked at my menu so I opened it up and it was so complicated! I couldn't understand any of it. So when i twas my turn I asked for capellini pomodoro assuming an Italian restaurant would have it. He said no and I was stuck. I left the restaurant not eating anything cuz I couldn't read the menu.

Dreamt the night of Sunday 7/14/02
It was the weekend before school started and I was moving into my new apartment. Except everything was wooden and it looked like I lived in an attic. There were about 10 other girls in the same room as me as I was trying to unpack and get settled. I decided I needed a drink so I went into the next room which was a kitchen and started making myself a smoothie. I was only making enough for me and no one else. Across from me, on the other side of the counter, were Anjali and Ramneek sitting in the dark. They were giggling about something. Somehow I could see Ramneek's hand in the dark and I saw that she got engaged. Anjali gets a call on her cell phone. She tells the person that she has to come over right away because they have some f****ing good news to tell them. That just made me stop. All the feelings from last year came back: the hurt, the betrayal, the loneliness, the sadness that someone has changed so much. Suddenly I couldn't stand to be in the apartment anymore. There was too much noise and too many people I didn't know. I went back into the bedroom and I saw Amit sitting on my bed and he was just watching me, waiting to see what my decision was. I was so frustrated I was on the verge of tears. I decided I had to leave and walked back into the kitchen. Except this time, everything looked different and I was in my kitchen at home. There were so many people in the kitchen, nook and family room. And I knew all of them. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. At first no one noticed me but I liked just standing there and watching the scene. Someone - I think it was my mom - noticed me and tolld me to have some cake and join them at the table. (In real life I don't like cake but in my dream I didn't mind.) They were deciding what to do "tomorrow" and they actually asked me for suggestions and they took my suggestions seriously. I felt so important and special...and loved. I didn't want to leave. I woke up feeling really happy.

Dreamt the night of Tuesday 7/16/02
Amit and I came to my house to tell my parents that we had just gotten engaged. Everyone was so calm about it and it was the first time I took Amit upstairs to see my room. Later, we went to his house which looked exactly like my house. No one noticed me at first so I went exploring. The upstairs looked different. It was really sunny with bright white bare walls. There were a lot of old men (like grandfathers, uncles and such) in each of the rooms playing cards or just talking. Downstairs were all the women, getting ready for some function. When his mom saw me, she gave me a huge hug and told me she was really excited. She gave me some burfi to eat and something else happened that I don't remember. For some reason I ended up staying at their house and in the middle of the night I woke up because of some really loud sound. So I went downstairs which looked completely different than it did before. It was huge - looked kind of like the set of Macbeth. Above their kitchen on their cathedral ceiling was a huuge skylight. Everyone else woke up too and they turned on one dim light in the kitchen. When I looked up at the skylight I saw a statue's head on it outside. That's when I realized that the head must have fallen down in the storm and when it hit the skylight we heard the "bang". I got concerned because somehow I knew Amit had left during the night to get something so I wasn't sure where he was in this huge storm. Right then, he came in except he looked like Shah Rukh Khan and he was carrying a little puppy.

Dreamt the night of Wednesday 7/17/02
This one's psycho! Anjali came over to spend the night at my house but she looked very much like me. Not her face but everything else. Anyway, she was telling me about how she went to Amit's house to hang out and his friend Praful (sp?) was there. (As she was telling me this story I was imagining what was happening.) She told me that they were just messing around and having fun and before she left, Praful told her that she was "really really pretty". I wanted to be happy for her but it kind of made me feel awkward. So then in my dream I fell asleep and I dreamt that I was in a van with Praful, Pooja and Amit. Amit was in the front sitting in the passenger's seat and I was sitting in the back seat with Praful to my left and Pooja to my right. And Praful could tell that I was really upset about something so he tried to make me laugh by telling me jokes but it didn't work. Finally he resorted to tickling me and it worked. I laughed so hard and it felt sooo good. And throughout this whole thing Amit was just watching but he did nothing. Then in my dream, I woke up and told Anjali that dream. She laughed and said she's glad I was having happy dreams. Then I fell asleep again - in my dream - and I was in this neighborhood; it looked like a new development. It was night time. Anjali and I were walking on the sidewalk and we realized that we were in front of Rishi's house. He saw us and came outside to talk to us. He was wearing all black and looked very young like how he did when I first met him beginning of freshman year. He said hi to me and then turned to Anjali and said "We haven't seen each other in so long. How could we lose touch?" And then he asked whether they could try to have a relationship again. And she said she was interested in trying also. So he asked if they could meet up tomorrow evening but she said no. And then I woke up in my dream and recounted the entire dream to Anjali who was standing on my desk fixing somethign on my wall. She was wearing my purple sweats and looked so much like me from the back. When I was recounting the dream, it was like it was on repeat because I saw the entire dream again. And at the end I told her that I was surprised she said no to him because in reality (in the dream) we had plans for tomorrow. And she said "Of course I woudln't put him before you. We're friends!" And I woke up very very confused.

Dreamt the night of Thursday 7/18/02
I was at home at night and Amit called me at 7:30. He said he was having a performance at 9 so he wanted me to come see it in Berkeley. I was excited that he invited me so I told Tushar that we both were going. We got ready but for some reason I don't remember, we ended up leaving late. I was worried we would miss it but we drove fast and made it there on time. Except I never went to see his performance. Instead, the next thing I remember is it was afternoon and I was sitting on the sidewalk on Bancroft across from the cafe with Pooja. We were just sitting on the ground I think waiting for a bus. And then Neela walked by and said that she was excited about going to the performance. She was wearing a blue summer dress and her hair was kind of wild. She just ran by, talked to us for a bit and then left. When she left, instead of saying "bye" I said "see you". She thought that was the funniest thing so she ran back and gave me a huge hug and told me that was a cute way of saying bye. And then somehow I was in this alley/back of a restaurant. I was entering the restaurant when my cell phone rang. It was Amit saying the performance was ready to begin was I ready? I told him I'd been waiting for a long time and he never came so I thought it was cancelled. Right then I saw him on the other side of the street so he crossed over to where I was. He was dressed horribly! He had on a wifebeater type thing except it was bright red and sparkly. On top of that he had a black jacket/blazer that would have been nice except that was sparkling too. His black pants were sparkling as was his black cowboy hat. He just looked totally unattractive. We talked about something I don't remember and he disappeared. Next thing I know I was in the restaurant, sitting in a booth with my mom to my left, Tushar to my right, my dad in front of my mom and two other people I dont' remember sitting next to him. It was an Indian restaurant but they were serving us French Fries (probably because I was thinking about my speech). While we were eating these three Indian women dressed in Punjabi dresses, walked in and just started eating off our plates. No one else thought that was weird so I asked what the heck they were doing and they said "Eating". So my mom asked them to join us even though I thought they were weird. I asked who they were and they said "We are Indian." That's when I woke up.

Dreamt the night of Friday 7/19/02
Vasantha, Pooja and I were at a restaurant waiting for a table. We were seated on a wooden bench (with pretty bad back support) in the front while we were waiting. Pooja left to go somewhere and in the meantime this guy came up to Vas and started talking to her asking her all kinds of questions. He was blonde, with longish hair (kind of like in the 80s). He was wearing this dark green and black outfit - it looked familiar for some reason but I can't remember where I've seen it before. He was pretty ugly and kind of creeped me out. Before Vas had a chance to answer I started talking to him. I knew that since he was interested in Vas and not me, if I answered his questions he'd get annoyed. So that's what I did. He asked where she went to school and I said "I go to Berkeley." He started to get really annoyed but he was still laughing about it cuz I guess he thought he still had a chance. I had fun messing with him and irritating him. And I saved Vas in the process!

Dreamt the night of Monday 7/22/02
I don't remember a lot of it but I was on a talk show and it was about trying to get this dad to take better care of his 4 year old daughter. She was dressed the same as Anjali in my previous dream and how most people in my dreams are dressed when I think they're supposed to represent me: she had on the purple sweats and her hair was curly like mine and down. She was a cute kid. Somehow I knew that this guy was really immature and couldn't take care of her. He had so many of his own issues that she had to take care of herself. So we were on the show. When I was first introduced to her I felt so bad for her because she was so young and had to grow up too fast. My dad and I sat on the stage on a bench perpendicular to the audience. When the dad came out, I realized I didn't like him and I wanted to take the girl home because she could get so much more at my house. He wasn't dressed bad or in anyway incompetent in terms of abuse or not being able to feed her or anything. He was just immature. So to prove the girl's point, she brought out this huge tub of pea soup. She put it in the middle of the stage and asked everyone to try some. And everyone did except for me and the dad. She came over to me and looked really sad and asked why I didn't eat any - kind of like she was truly disappointed there was someone else like her dad who was too picky to eat the soup. I told her I was allergic to peas and she felt much better and smiled again. When asked why he didn't eat the pea soup the dad said he didn't like the color of peas and how they looked in the soup. I know the dad's mom was there too and she was annoyed at his immaturity but fueled it by spoiling him and treating him like the child he acted like. I also know the girl didn't have a mom and there was some significance to that but I don't remember.

Dreamt the night of Saturday 7/27/02
It started out with me in the backyard on some really sunny day. I was planting something near our fig tree. Someone else was there with me but I don't remember who. Whatever we were planting were apparently harmful to the squirrels because I had to remind that other person that the squirrels live right under there. They said the squirrels would be ok. Then I was "mentally beamed" to my speech class where I was taking part in a conversation with the professor and this girl An from my class. It was so weird because I could still see the backyard and being outside but at the same time I'd get glimpses into the classroom. We were talking about our speech that's due tomorrow. We ended up talking about people who procrastinate and don't take school seriously and got into this huge debate about it. Then suddenly I was physically beaned to a talk show. This one looked different than the other one mainly because this time I was just an observer. I was able to see things from all different angles - top, side, front, etc. There were two linnes of people: the front row were the experrts on procrastination and children who don't care about school and the second line where the kids themselves. I remember this one white girl who was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt was saying that school has no meaning and her mom was sitting next to her getting so frustrated. She kept reminding the girl about starting her SATs. I think she just finished her second year in high school so the mom was saying to take one of the SAT II test in the summer and start the SAT I's next year. That's all I remember.

Dreamt the night of Sunday 7/28/02
I was at the Ohlone campus except it looked really weird. I went into class to do my presentation and not only did the class look weird but the classroom was packed. It turns out that she invited her other class that she teaches to present with us. I was kind of taken aback by that because I thought it was exclusively a Speech 101 project. I didn't want random strangers to listen to my speech. I felt like they were entering a space that was just for me and my other Speech 101 classmates. The other students not in my class had giant posters with pictures taped to them and their presentations were far more complicated than ours. I felt bad. When I had entered, I saw that there were a bunch of names on the board to sign up for a speaking slot. The only one left was #3 so I asked this guy Brian to write it up for me since I couldn't reach it. He laughed and he did. When slot 3 came, I realized Brian had written over some other guy's name that was written lightly. So I let him go and the professor said I could go after him. At the same time some girl sitting next to me offered to trade spots with me. I wasn't sure what to do and when I looked down at my desk I realized I had forgotten my speech at home. So I called my mom on my cell phone in the middle of class and asked her to email it to me. Then I ran around campus trying to find the computing center so I could print it. But the door was closed! I started to panic and just then some guy came and just opened the door. Turns out just because it's closed doesn't mean it's locked. The computers were very weird with some strange code written on the screen. Somehow i knew how to read that code. I got to my email, downloaded my speech and when it came time to print it I didn't know what to do. The girl that was working there came to me and I asked her how to print. She just pointed to the middle of the table and grunted. Somehow I understood that and printed. Last thing I remember is going back into class feeling ok.

Dreamt the night of Sunday 7/28/02
I was at home and packing to go somewhere. I had a lot of big and heavy bags. Three white girls came to pick me up in a white sports car. They had an unnaturally huge cat. It was a white persian but the tail was twice the size of the body. It was pretty ugly. They wanted to put her in the trunk with my luggage so they put her in first and then told me to put my stuff in after. I started telling them to put her in last so my luggage won't smush her. But they refused to listen so I just threw in my stuff. They drove me to Rad's house where they got off too. They fed the cat catnip and it started chasing me all around the house. I ran upstairs as fast as I could. I ran into Rad's room where she was in there with a guy. I was embarrassed to have interrupted them so I ran into the bathroom. (In real life, Rad and Vishal's rooms are connected by a Brady Bunch bathroom.) When I got into the bathroom and closed the door connecting it to Rad's room, I saw the cat charging me from Vishal's room. So I closed that door too. After a few minutes the noises stopped and when I opened both doors the cat had disappeared. I went downstairs where most of the lights were turned off. My grandmother Bhabhi was calling me asking me to eat dinner. Aarti's mom had made dinner but had made everything I was allergic to so Bhabhi said she and I would eat cereal. I ate fruit loops. She put some corn flake like things into the cereal too which was supposed to be medicine. I ended up taking it out cuz I don't like soggy medicine. There were so many people in Rad's family room - none of which was Rad's family. My grandfather, my mom, dad, and some other people I couldn't see. My dad asked if I had finished my homework and I said kind of. My grandfather started to worry saying if I didn't I'd fail my class. But my dad reassured him saying that I was like him. I didn't worry about homework but eventually I got it done and did well.

Dreamt the night of Tuesday 7/30/02
I was on Berkeley campus except it looked very different. We were walking down a hill - me, Archana, and some other girl I couldn't see. We were on the street and on the other side on the sidewalk was Archana's very good friend Becky. Archana asked me whether I had invited Amit to Becky's secret party. And I said no I didn't know I was supposed to. She gave me this weird look and then I was beamed to my house I was walking from the nook to the family room where I saw Chhaya Atya. On her face written in pink were the names of the people who she had to invite to her own party. She looked really scary with the words writtne on her face. She said that Aarti, Anu and Pannu were here but they were sick. I turned around and Aarti and Anu were there. Anu had little purple dots all over her body. They completely disgusted me especially since I can't stand the sight of rash. Aarti's were her skin color but they were bigger - almost like hives. Pannu was upstairs sleeping but for some reason I could see her from downstairs and she had little green dots all over her. I got so disgusted that I told them we had to do something about them! So I took them to see this doctor. It was in this plane hanger. They had all these spectators watching. What the doctor did was sedate the girls and put them each in a giant incubator - one per person. Then he put some kind of gas in the incubator. He had this giant cauldron next to each incubator. He took a ladel (sp?) and spooned up some brothy looking liquid, opened up Aarti's incubator enough to slip the ladel through. He'd pour the liquid in the incubator and then turn the ladel upside down in his hand. When he did that, this giant flame would burst inside the incubator. (Almost like flambee (sp?) in cooking terms.) He had to do that twice. And after the second time, we heard Aarti coughing. Everyone cheered because we knew she was all right.

Dreamt the night of Wednesday 8/1/02
I was in some relatively dark place and Kav comes up to me. I notice that she's really happy - like her soul is shining, that happy. I ask her what's making her so happy and she doesn't answer at first. She stands there smiling and then I noticed that she changed her hair. She said that she and Jacq went shopping and they went into this hair decoration store and they had this trial hair glue set out so she tried it. It was this white glittery thing and she put one streak and didn't like it so she tried to take it out but it wouldn't come out. So she decided to just make it into a hair style. She had the lady streak her hair in white glittery glue and then "crimp" it like they did in the 80s. She looked really different! And then her and her family decided to go to this restaurant on the beach for breakfast. I went with them but I was just an observer, not a participant. When they got there, I noticed that her family consisted of her real parents but then two sisters! They were older than her. One was maybe 24 and the other 22. They were both wearing punjabi dresses and were really tall and looked like women straight from India. I think they even had the accents. They both had extremely difficult names so I don't remember them. They were teasing the older one - in pink - about when she was getting married. And throughout all this I remember noticing that Kav was extremely happy. Then suddenly I was in a different part of the restaurant sitting with three people that I don't remember. We were on the porch, to the right of me was the beach. The seats were made of that woven straw material thing and there was an umbrella over us. The restaurant was made of really realy dark wood. We were talking about how others understand how we feel and how we wished there was just one person in our life who could understand exactly what we feel and not judge us for it. And right then I looked to my left and I saw Marina was crouched on the floor. She was wearing a plain white top (with the sleeves that flare towards your wrist). Her skirt was flora. When I noticed her I said hi and she said she was listening to our conversation and said that her mom understands her completely. When she stood up I saw that she was pregnant. Except she looked like she just stuffed a pillow under her shirt. She said her mom knew exactly what she was going through. And then she ran inside the restaurant and sat with a group of people. I could see her through the glass and I thought she was a little weird. Then Pooja came up behind me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we went to walk along the beach. It was the pefect beach. Really bright tan sand, no trash on it. The sand was really soft as we walked on it. The ocean was this perfect blue you only see off of remote islands. Pooja said her brother was playing in the water and when I looked over, I saw that there were these huge waves coming. Not gigantic like tsunamis but bigger than normal. It just made me really excited. The kind of excited you get when everything seems perfect and you have no care in the world. And the weird thing was I could hear and feel everything exactly as if I was on the beach myself. It was such a beautiful ending.

Dreamt the night of Thursday 8/8/02
I was at home fooling around (I forget if home was home home or New Jersey home) when I remembered that I had a math test the next day. It was on some algebra stuff and logic. For some reasons the questions looked familiar even though I know in my dream the math was completely made up - meaning it wasn't real math but in my dream it made sense. I tried to study but I couldn't because I didn't have time. The next day I was late to the test. It was in this large gray building and instead of taking the elevator to the 5th floor I took the stairs because they would help me get back into shape. Everyone else who was on the stairs had to go to the 3rd and a half floor so I was the only one running up to the 5th. When I got there a guard stopped me and asked what I was doing. I told him about the test and I went inside. There must have been about 50 people in that small room. They were all gathered around small tables of 6-7 people each. The lighting was very poor but the inside looked like a portable from elementary school. I sat at a table on the left when I entered. For some reason whoever was proctoring didn't like that arrangement so s/he moved a lot of people around so that I'd end up sitting in the front. That really annoyed me but I moved anyway. The test started and I had no idea what to do. I remember the questions on the test were the same as those from when I was trying ot study. But I couldn't remember how to do them.

Dreamt the night of Friday 8/9/02
All I remember is being in a classroom and panicking because I had forgotten to prepare my speech. It was supposed to be on something I don't remember and everyone else was doing such an amazing job. I felt like I was letting the professor down because I was supposed to have done it. I tried frantically to write some kind of notes down. But then I remembered I didn't have a formal outline to give her. So I tried to scribble one out to give her and see if she'd take it even if it was written and not typed. When I went up to deliver it, I stumbled and didn't sound anywhere near coherent. The professor confronted me in front of the class about my messy outline and I didn't know what to say. I was literally speechless and utterly embarrassed.

Dreamt the night of Saturday 8/10/02
I don't remember much of this one. I was somewhere in the Bay Area doing something to kill time when I remembered that I have jury duty. I started panicking because I had to go home, get my form, go to the courthouse and tell them that I am a student and I can't do that. But I didn't have time because I had to drive all the way to San Leandro. So I charged home and picked up the form. When I went to get in my car I realized it was Shirish Mama's big conversion van. It was gigantic. I wasn't sure if I could drive it but I had no choice. When I turned around in the van, I saw that Jonathan Huang from Mission was in it as was Kishan. I was really confused but I just kept driving. I was having a lot of fun. When I got there I realized all the potential jurors were congregated in the lobby of a really nice hotel. The judge was wearing a casual light green polo shirt, light khakis. He was white with really thin white hair. He looked nothing like I expected. We sat listening to him explain to us the importance of jury duty and all that. I started getting bored. Then he said we would move into the courthouse to decide who would be on the jury. I went up to the judge to see if I could get out of it sooner. The judge had converted into a woman with straight, short brown hair and was wearing the robe. I told her I was a student and I needed to be excused. She said to go into the courthouse and we'd decide it in there. I was mad that I had to waste time doing all that when I knew I'd eventually be excused anyway. We sat in what looked like a large lecture hall. There was a Chinese girl next to me who didn't seem to know anyone else either so we started talking. The judge had us fill out this long questionaire about nothing relevant to jury selection. I felt glad to know there was someone to talk to. When I looked over at her again, she had gotten up and gone to the side where she found some of her friends to talk to. That really bummed me out cuz now there was no one sitting around me.

Dreamt the night of Friday 8/16/02
I was at Seema Mami's house and we were getting ready to go to someone's house for dinner. I wanted to wear my new black shirt and also try out this new lipstick that she had recommended I use. (In real life, my face is very anti-makeup and it rubs off pretty quickly). So after putting on my eyeliner which came out perfectly, I put on the lipstick. I had to put it on like chapstick because it wasn't staying. Finally I made it last. After I brushed my hair I looked at it again and it had faded again. So I kept reapplying it over and over until we left. When we got to the lady's house, which was made of all wood and kind of looked like a barn, we sat at a picnic table which was supposed to be their dining table, for dinner. I sat next to Seema Mami. When I turned to look at her, she turned out to be Leena Kaku except with Seema Mami's mouth. So as she was talking I kept staring at her mouth becuase I could never understand how Seema Mami didn't have to put on much lipstick at all (in real life) and it stuck the whole day and it looked really nice. She noticed that I was looking so she asked what happened to my lipstick and I said I took it off because it wasn't sticking. Once I figured out how to make it stay, I'll wear it more often. Then all of a sudden we were on a street that looked like there was a parade on it except they were rides for kids. One was you had to sit on a surry (sp?) and it would zoom forward a few hundred feet and then zoom backward. Inu - who looked like Alay - was really scared of the ride so we said he didn't have to go on it. After watching it a few times he got this courage to go so he got on and sat. THe surry was yellow and white and he was sitting on the far end. Closer to us was another little boy whose face I didn't see. Inu/Alay looked over at me so proud that he got on but I was so scared for him. Before the ride started I told him to hold on to the rail in case he gets scared. But he looked at me and said with a big smile, "Parijat, I'm fine! It's really not so bad." The ride started and I woke up.

Dreamt the night of Sunday 8/18/02
I was going to take my Sociology Final and instead of meeting in the classroom, the professor asked us to meet on some blacktop/basketball courts of a school. It was a very sunny day and seeing the blacktop made me nostalgic of elementary school. He had arranged the seats in the corner of the blacktop as they are in the classroom and he brought out one of those portable blackboards. For some reason though the test started late and he could only ask us three questions. He just wrote one question up on the board one by one until he realized we had to leave so he just stopped. I thought I was prepared for the test until he started asking the first question. But I felt better knowing that the rest of the class was just as confused. The professor was laughing sadistically because we didn't know what we were doing. So we all started talking to each other trying to figure out the answer. The same thing happened for the second question. When the proff realized we're running out of time, he gave us a "simple" third question. I laughed out loud because given his first two questions I thought his third one would be just as ridiculous. But it was actually simple. I think the question was "Out of 100 surveyed, how many teenagers got pregnant" or something like that. When he put it up, everyone else became quiet and started writing their answers down. And suddenly I got scared because I didn't know the answer to this question either! I asked Pooja who was sitting behind/diagonally from me if we had learned this before. And the girl next to me said that it was in our notes. I panicked a little because I didn't know the easy one! So I ended up looking at that girl's paper (we were all sitting so close so cheating was easy) and wrote down what she did thinking that I remembered that number from class. I turned it in, and left not feeling any guilt. (Analysis: The questions are in reference to the years at Berkeley. The first two years no one knows what they're doing so everyone depends on each other for support. By the time the third year comes around, everyone has settled. They know what they want, they've established themselves and if I haven't, it's my fear that I'll find no one to help me get settled.)

Dreamt the night of Sunday 8/18/02
My whole family and I had arrived at some airport. I don't remember doing this in my dream but somehow I knew - probably because we had bags in our hands. We were walking in the night to some building with glass sliding doors. The closer we got I noticed a man walking towards the doors from the inside. I recognized it was Bhai! We all ran inside and he came over to give me a hug. He was walking with his eyes closed for some reason. I told him that we had tried going back to California and living our lives again but after visiting all of them we couldn't so we decided to come back. He was so happy to hear that. The building turned out to be the mall but somehow we ended up getting home. The next thing I remember is lying on the bed in Seema Mami's house sleeping. When I woke up in my dream the room looked different than Inu's room that I actually slept in. The room was white and dark pink. The shades were white and were blocking a very bright sun. When I woke up in my dream I was so happy. I could smell Seema Mami's house and even though the room looked different I was so happy being there. I was so convinced this was real that when I opened my eyes in real life, where the window should have been I saw my black armoire and I got so sad.

Dreamt the night of Sunday 8/18/02
It was night and we were playing basketball. We being about 25 guys and girls. I was on the blue team and the others were white. It was exhilerating to be out and running and being active. I was playing a lot better than anyone expected so I got passed the ball a lot. I was doing really well and feeling good about myself and my playing abilities when this guy from the Whites made a nasty comment. I was trying to block this girl on his team but he passed her the ball anyway and he said "Youre too short, too thin and a girl. What makes you think you can play well?" That made me mad so the rest of the game I was trying to prove to him that I could do it. But being angry made me lose my focus and I couldn't play well. Finally I saw the opportunity. This guy on my team had stolen the ball from the Whites and we were running towards our basket. He and I were in front so he passed the ball to me. As soon as I got within shooting range I stopped to shoot but all 25 of them were crowded around me. So I had to chuck the ball as far as I could to these two boys who were playing the game side-by-side. They tried to shoot again but it didn't work so they passed it to me and I took the risk and shot. It made it in! I went up to that nasty guy and said "Who says girls can't play well??" And he looked all embarrassed. I was so proud!

Dreamt the night of Thursday 8/29/02
I forget how the dream starts but somehow I know that Amit is cheating on me. I'm at home and I'm debating on what to do: should I confront him or should I wait until he confesses? Finally I decide that I have to confront him because I'm tired of playing games with him and waiting for him to tell me what he wants. I go to his house and his parents see that I'm upset. I ask for Amit and they say he's not there but tell me where to find him. He was standing on the corner of a street on the phone with someone. When he saw me he quickly hung up and came over to the car. I told him to get in cuz we were going for a long ride. So he went back over to the curb called the person again and for some reason I could hear the other person and it was a girl - Anjana. She answered "Hi honey" and he replied "Hi honey". I got so pissed that he was calling her honey in front of me! So I drove off to just leave him there. But he started running after my car. For some raeson I was sitting in the passenger's seat but driving the cara cuz I wanted him in the drivers seat. When I heard that and saw him running, I thought why am I giving him that power? So I sat in the driver's seat, slowed down and waited for him to get into the car. When he sat I told him that I knew about him cheating on me and that obviously the relationship is over. I told him that I am so disappointed that this happened, that I never expected him to be like this, that I had lost all my respect for him, and that all the 21 and a half months we've been together have been a complete waste. And the whole time all he was doing was smiling! He had no signs of remorse, no feelings of guilt or anything. He didn't even try to defend himself or fight back or say sorry! I was so pissed. Somehow he got out of my car and I was back at home and I was feeling great. I was glad that this wasn't my fault - that Amit was the one who ruined the relationship. I also felt good because now all the anxiety was gone and I could live the rest of my life in peace. I told my parents about it and they weren't surprised at all. It's almost like they expected it. I called Anjali too and she wasn't surprised either. I didn't understand but I remember at the end I was feeling calm. I woke up confused because I wasn't sure if it really happened or not.

Dreamt the night of Friday 8/30/02
I was in Berkeley and I went to see Pooja's new apartment. It was so beautiful. Their kitchen was gigantic with an island in the middle. Their living room was also huge. They had these large plush (?) gray sofas with maroon pillows and a rug. I think the living room was hardwood and the kitchen was linolium. The walls were very bright white and there was so much sunlight. They had one gigantic window between their kitchen and living room. From it you could see a place kind of like Central Park and around it was this new ride kind of like Rip Roaring Rapids from Great America. Their bedrooms were also nice. Each one had their own. Not as large as mine but very cozy. Radhika was being so sweet to me and even Pooja and Marin were in a great mood. All three seemed to have bonded really well and got along so well with each other. I was tempted to ask if I could live with them. They suggested we go on the ride and invited me along which I thought was a really nice gesture. It was a beautiful day out. We got to the ride which was kind of scary but so much fun. I remember seeing Amit Sura (sp?) I don't even know him in real life but he was there. Vishal, Samir, Tushar, and a lot of other people I couldn't remember. We were having so much fun playing in the water and everything. In the end Tushar and I were getting off the ride and walking back to the street. Apparently the ride got out underground so we had to find stairs to get up to the street. We found Samir who talked to my brother for a bit and then Tushar disappeard. Samir and I were left to find the stairs to the street and when we did he came up next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and asked if I was ok.

Dreamt the night of Tuesday 9/3/02
I was in some store that looked a little funny. The guy who owned it was this old man with white balding hair. He wore a brown cardigan and brown pants and glasses that slid off his nose. He had something to hide in his store but he wasn't very good at hiding it. He was standing on those rolling ladders that are in libraries. Except at the top of the ladder instead of being shelves of books, they were dressing rooms. The doors were all semi-closed. The man suddenly started talking - well mostly stammering - about something and then I relaized he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to the cops standing behind me. They were investigators so they had on coats and regular clothes. The only thing I remember about what the guy said was his always slipping of the tongue. He had to hide something bad so instead of asking "What are you all going to do?" He said "What are you all going to doom?" And then quickly corrected himself. He did that several times giving clues that what he had to hide was horrible. That's the only example I know of. So that gave the investigators a reason to go up to the dressing rooms and check them out. THey looked at all of them and nothing except hte last one they saw the shorter investigator said "Hey, you might wanna check this out." And suddenly I was in my house. I was sitting on the floor in the family room. My mom was sitting across from me. My dad was on the right side of the loveseat - near my mom - and some woman was sitting on the other side near me. She was telling me that there was a murder at the store and some woman died because she took her son in and he accidentally killed her with a hanger. It wasn't really bothering me about the murder really until I asked who it was and the lady said "Varsha Pendse". That's my aunt! And so it was my cousin who had killed her. I felt so horrible. No tears, no sadness, but this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I felt so bad for Lallu. What did he know? He was only six. And I thought of all these real memories of us and how she was so much fun to be around and she made me feel so loved. She did so much for me and my family. It didn't make sense and it wasn't fair that she had to go. I called Sateesh Mama up to see how he was doing but Lallu answered the phone and it just added to the emptiness. I thought about him growing up without a mom, and how his life was changed forever. I couldn't bear the emptiness so I hung up after talking to him and went upstairs. I woke up feeling really strange.

Dreamt the night of Monday 9/30/02
I can't remember much. I know I was on a boat like a cruise almost but it was a small boat and we were going somewhere. the water was really beautiful. You could see the dIfferent shades of blue/bluegreen. and we went really really far. The closer we got to the "other end" (meaning land) we saw more and more people lounging around in the water and they had these white things that floated in the water to show how far out you could go. It looked weird. And then I saw these four people going to the same shore as us. Two of them were walking and pushing the other two who were sitting in those tube things...and one guy in the tube thing was handicapped and told me that "the boy is dead" and for some reason I knew who he was talking about (I think it was from earlier in my dream that I can't rememebr) and I was so upset! Somehow I was beamed to the last building the boy was in and I found him alive! I was so happy and I told him to give me a hug cuz I was so happy to see him alive but he understand why I was making such a big deal and didnt want to hug me. But I was soooo happy. And he was a cute boy too! And somewhere in there my mom was dressed like me wIth blue jeans and a Cal sweatshirt and my bro wanted to visit colleges especially UCLA.

Dreamt the night of Saturday 11/2/02
I was on some street in some inner city and there was this little African American boy with me. He was abotu 10-12 years old, wearing a red and black jersey with black baggy jeans and his hair was in corn rows. He was apparently my mentee. The day was pretty gray. I was carrying a wig for the evening performance the kids were going to put on. It was this short blonde wig (kind of like a bob cut). I told him to carry it for me because I trusted that he was mature enough to handle such a responsibility. I was carring the wig on a newspaper so I gave the whole thing to him. When we came to an intersection, we both crossed and when we got to the other side I saw the wig wasn't in his hand. I asked him where it went and he pointed across the street where it had fallen off the curb. I asked him why he didn't pick it up and he said something to the effect of he wasn't sure if he should or something. I started getting upset but I kept my cool. I told him that the wig is very important and that he has to go pick it up. He said he didn't want to, not in a whiny sort of way but almost like he was afraid to go back. I noticed myself getting extremely angry but I had to remind myself that he's my mentee and if I get really mad and show it, he'll probably take it personally and feel really bad. So I tried my best to stay calm and I told him that it was his responsibility and he can't let it go like that. I told him the wig is extremely important and he has to get it back. So he ran across the street and picked it up. We then piled into the van that was waiting for us. In it was my brother, my mentee and this other little girl about 7-8 years old who was my mentee's sister (so she was inherently my mentee too). Then suddenly we were in this house where apparently we all lived. The kids' mom was there and when I saw her she didn't look anything like I had expected. She was very well dressed, wearing a red long sleeved shirt, had a nice haircut, jewelry, slacks and looked like she was from an upper middle class family. She looked at the kids' packet of homework and told me which parts to assign them to do before they go to the performance that night. And then she disappeared. I told the kids to sit down and do their work. So they tried. I went to upstairs to my room and that's when the house shifted and became my real house. I was in my room with the door closed when the boy came upstairs and knocked. I slightly opened the door and he asked if he had to do homework. I got frustrated and told him that he absolutely had to. Then he looked at what in real life is my brother's room but in my dream was my grandfather's room. He looked in it and asked why my grandfather didn't have much furniture. So I told him that he's very old and doesn't need anything. So he asked how old and I told him 85 and he was really surprised, almost amazed. Then I went downstairs and no one had finished their homework. The downstairs looked like the dream house downstairs. I started yelling to get the kids in order but no one was listening not even my brother. They all ran to a different part of the house. When I got there, it was my real family room. Bhai was sitting on the love seat on one side. On the other side was Milan and the little girl. When I came into the room I realized Milan was talking in Marathi! He was telling the girl not to jump on the couch because it's bad manners and you shouldn't do that. I sat on the far end of the couch and watched him discipline her. Bhai was smiling while listening to it and when my Dad came from downstairs he laughed and said "I remember when we had to say that to you kids." Finally the disciplining was over and I told Milan that we were late and had to go to the performance. SO I rounded up all the kids and told them they had to finish their homework in the car on the way there. We got into the van and left.