The Part of Me I Never Had 24

The next month was torture. Every time I�d walk into a room with JC in it, an emotional knife seemed to go deeper and deeper into my heart. There�d be a little glimmer of hope in JC�s eyes, but then it disappeared when I�d fought to act normally, suppressing the threatening tears.
He looked at me with a look of longing I tried extremely hard to ignore, scared I might fall for him and go begging for forgiveness.
In my bunk I�d cry silently to sleep, thinking of what we used to have. The fun we used to have. The knife went deeper. The pain was unbearable. My heart called out for him, yearned for him, longed for his touch. Justin understood what I was going through and tried to comfort me the best he could, but it was no use.
I put in the tape and listened while memories flew by in my head�
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn�t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn�t see,
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn�t reach
You gave me faith cuz you believed�
I�m everything I am
Because you loved me�
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�JJ?�
�Yeah?� I turned off the tape and took off the headphones.
�Can I talk to you for a minute?�
�Sure.� I made room for him on my bunk.
�Have you seen JC lately?� he asked quietly.
�No. Of course not.� I looked away from his penetrating gaze.
�Well, lemme give you update,� he said turning my face to face his, �he is miserable. He�s always looking at pictures of you and him together, he�s always looking at that bracelet, always listening to that tape, crying himself to sleep, his eyes are almost always red from crying, his energy at concerts are dying away, he�s always thinking of you. Haven�t you given him enough grief and pain already?�
Tears welled in my eyes. �He does?�
�He doesn�t talk much at interviews, not eating right, can�t sleep until very late in the morning. He really can�t live without you JJ. He loves you.�
�Then why didn�t he say anything?�
�He�s afraid. He�s afraid that you�ll reject him again. He�s not just scared, he�s terrified. He doesn�t want to have to go through heartbreak twice. Please JJ, the rest of us just want you to talk to him. Forgive him. Remember, this is his dream. You can at least understand.�
�I guess I can do that. I miss him to death.� Tears ran down my cheeks like twin rivers. �Ok, I�ll talk to him. Maybe then he�ll eat tomorrow morning. I don�t want him to get sick.�
�That�s all we�re asking. He�s out there.�
I dried my eyes and worked up the nerve to face JC.
He was sitting on the couch, staring out the window with red eyes.
A surge of guilt filled me, knowing that I had caused him to look that way.
�JC?� I said softly.
He turned in recognition of the voice.
I saw the familiar flicker of hope in his eyes. �Yeah?�
�Can I talk to you?� I asked softly.
�Of course you can.�
I sat down next to him and I could sense his body tensing.
�JC, I haven�t been on the best terms with you since a month ago, and I want to work it out.�
The flicker of hope grew stronger. �You do?�
�Yeah. I understand that this is your dream, and that it�s at its high point right now and that you need to concentrate on it. I guess I�ve been a little selfish these past few weeks, and I want to apologize,� I stated.
�You aren�t the one who needs to apologize. I am. I should�ve paid more attention to you. You mean everything to me and I should have showed it. I�m sorry.� He looked at me sincerely.
�Don�t be sorry. I completely understand. I love you and should�ve been more supportive,� I said quietly, putting my hand on his. A strong jolt of electricity went through my fingers. A feeling I had longed for since that one day.
�Do you know how long I�ve been wanting to hear those words?� he asked softly.
�Probably as long as I have.�
�I love you Jessie,� he said hugging me.
�I love you too JC,� I whispered, tears of happiness streaking down my face. I hugged him as tightly as I could, feeling the pressure returned.
I never wanted to let him go, for fear that he�d once again slip away from me.
He brushed the tears away with his thumb.
Then he leaned in and our lips met. It was pure bliss, rapture. I didn�t know how much I had missed his kisses until I couldn�t get any. Our lips went slowly at first, but they picked up speed very quickly out of hunger for each other. I tightened my grip on his neck, pulling him closer as he tightened the grip on my waist. Our tongues were gliding and intertwining with each other. I didn�t realize how much I had missed him. I felt his lips leave mine and started down my neck. It felt soo good. I moaned and sighed in response. Then our lips met again. We kissed each other until we grew too tired, falling asleep in each other�s tight embrace.