Chris vs Justin!

JC: Hellooooooooooo.

BW: Yes. Now I my own self am excited for this new addition to our strange universe.

JC: Totally.

BW: And who better to start off this first round of mayhem than the first two members of *NSYNC ever...Chris and Justin?

JC: Yeah.

BW: It's intense...it's immense...and it's jiggy...it's a match that we'd like to call

JC: Cool.

BW: While they seem to the best of friends, once the duo hits the arena all bets are off.

JC: Yup.

BW: Are you even capable of saying more than one word in a sentence?

JC: Do I have to? But that's so...tiring.

BW: How do you predict that outcome of this battle, 'C?

JC: Hard to say. Justin's got youth and stamina, Chris has age and experience...

BW: You so took that line straight from Batman Forever.

JC: ...on the other hand, Chris has a background in all sorts of aggressive sports such as football, baseball...

BW: Baseball is aggressive?

JC: You know any other activities where you whack balls with wooden sticks?

BW: Yes actually, but we'll never discuss those things on this website. Now Chris may be a force to be reckoned with if you're an unsuspecting stagehand, but hey, this is Justin we're talking about. The man twists and turns and thrusts at inhuman speeds. He took on NBA stars at their own game and lived to tell the tale. Chris is exceptionally athletic for a man of 30; Justin laughs at the laws of physics.

JC: But remember, Chris never studied law.

BW: Valid point. Dang, we're just ripping off catchy lines from all over. Well enough of the prematch commentary, let's get some blood going.

JC: We're not all omnipotent freaks Brian. Why don't you give our viewers a description of the fighting arena?

BW: Oh, right. Well for the sake of our viewers on the web who aren't receiving the direct satellite feed, here's a rundown of the *NSYNC Phenomenon Celebrity Showdown Fighting Arena.

JC: Isn't that title unnecessarily long?

BW: Quite.

BW: Good God, man, I miss that show so d**n much. Who here watched it? Yeah? Yeah?? Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Old school, man. Old school.

JC: Well as you know, Nickelodeon is the preeminent competition for the other kid's channel, Disney...in fact, most if not all Nickelodeon shows were filmed at Universal Studios Florida...Chris' old hangout, which was also the direct rival of me and Justin's ex-shack, Disneyworld. Pretty fierce opposites you've cooked up here, BW.

BW: That's right, 'C. And of course, being at the GUTS studios may just be the edge Chris needs to drive Justin back.

JC: So you're saying that Chris has got the homefield advantage?

BW: I'm saying Justin better watch his cute little behind.

JC: And here they are now! Stepping into the arena, it's the Grand FuMan himself, Chris Kirkpatrick! The crowd goes stark raving nuts! They've got a ways to go, though, before they can reach the unprecedented nutty level of Chris himself.

BW: And in the baby blue corner, the mad bald...uh, bold crunkmaster of crunkity crunkness crunked, Justin Timberlake! Yikes! I can barely hear myself over the screams...ooh man, somebody had better help that girl up before she gets trampled by the 9999 other fans down there. Uh, can we get some more security on the premises, Steve? Thanks. Anyway, Justin and Chris are approaching each other with an obligatory Handshake-Hug Thingie that all guys are born with the knowledge of.

JC: They seem to be saying something now...hey Steve? Can we get some audio up in this booth?

Steve: I am not your personal lapdog!!

BW: You sure do follow them around like one. Oh, by the way everyone out there, Steve is our resident technician. You may remember him as the dude who follows everyone with a camera and happens to be Joey's brother.

Steve: I am not paid enough for this. Forget it...audio's coming right up.

Justin: ...ust wanted you to know Chris, that when I kick your old fart azz into nothingness, it's nothing personal...aiight?

Chris: Sure thing J. And I just wanted you to know that even though it'll take five months to wake up from the coma I'm about to put you in, you'll always be my favorite *NSYNC guy.

BW: Ooh. Them's fightin' words.

JC: And they're off!...holy shnikeys!!

BW: Holy s**t!!

JC: Did anyone else see that?

BW: I don't think anyone could have. When the Crunkmaster goes into motion very few things can keep up, including the human eye. Which is why, of course, we have such things like the rewind button.

JC: Chris has just been knocked into the GUTS obstacle pole by a blinding assault from Justin. Good thing those things are really made of rubber. But he barely had a second to catch his breath before Justin is on the move again!!

BW: Chris is too wily to fall for the same trick twice though. He's grabbed onto a yellow rope dangling from the wall and scaled up the contraption before Justin could get to him again.

JC: But the rope leads to nowhere! This defense won't last very long...wait...will you look at that!

BW: Chris just kicked off the wall, swung around on the rope and, using the added momentum, delivered another direct kick into Justin! Very Tarzan. Very Spider-Man. Very Natalie Portman a la Star Wars. I approve.

JC: Things aren't looking great for Justin, he's got the wind knocked out of him and is on the ground now, clutching his stomach.

BW: What, so he doesn't have abs of steel? Strike that common misconception...

JC: Chris senses his opportunity. Picking up the dazed Justin over his shoulder, he swings the kid around and...OOOOH!!! The FLOP!!!

BW: The Flop! First described during the July 23rd episode of The View, The Flop is Chris' signature move, a technique derived from his heyday in football, also as a groovy college man. Hey, I can relate to that second part.

JC: This really isn't Justin's day...two massive blows in such a short amount of time. Picking up a stray basketball from the GUTS arena, Justin launches it at Chris face...and hits!

BW: Dang, Chris must've been a little too overconfident...even I could have dodged that. Justin must be extremely woozy.

JC: But due also to Justin's, um, wooziness, the b-ball blow doesn't really faze Chris. He shakes it off and is already planning his next move.

BW: That's right, Justin's bought a little time but not enough...and Chris gets him again! A flying high kick right in the face.

JC: Ouch. Chris was probably channeling his idol Bruce Lee right there.

BW: I believe this match is very close to being over, folks. Chris now has Justin in a relentless headlock. Justin struggles mightily but he's trapped, period.

Chris: Say uncle, b**ch! Say uncle!!

Justin: ...NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

BW: I can't watch...!

JC: No wait, look! Justin has grabbed a hold of Chris...ears!?

Chris: AAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

JC: Oh. Ow. Man. Ow.

BW: Yes. Ow. Well, I guess we can legitimately say that Chris looks more like Fievel the Mouse now than...well, whatever he looked like before.

JC: ...Huh?

BW: Shut up, I had a funny thing going there for a second.

JC: Chris' grip has relaxed! Seizing what may be his one and only chance, Justin twists out of range in a show of bodily flexibility which would make Tobey Maguire drool...with envy.

BW: Like he says, "just be limber." Less than a second later, Justin is back in delivering blows all over Chris! I swear, his moves are so smooth and unhesitant, they feel almost choreographed.

JC: One edge Justin has over Chris is obviously his confidence. And, in less extremities, his strength and speed. Chris, knowing he can't directly beat Justin in either of these feats, goes on temporary defense and hides amidst the obstacle course.

BW: It won't be long before Justin finds him though...after all, they say dogs can smell fear.

JC: Justin is a dog?

BW: Juju kinda sounds like a woggy sort of name, no?

JC: No...

BW: I can't see either of them now...Hey Steve, get close up with them cameras!!

Steve: I am not your...aww fug'etaboutit.

BW: What's this? There seems to be a lot of smoke and confetti covering this part of the arena.

JC: It's clearing away now...wait! Is that what I think it is!?

BW: I think it's exactly what you think it is JC!

BW & JC: THE AGGRO-CRAG!!!!!

BW: Is that Justin and Chris up there??

JC: It seems like Chris is climbing up the Crag, and Justin is chasing after him.

BW: That makes no sense. Why would Chris lead Justin up the Crag? He's afraid of heights! This raises his disadvantages about a billion notches!

JC: Don't underestimate Chris, BW. He's a resourceful little man. I'm sure he has some greater plan.

BW: So, is that high-pitched screaming I'm hearing over the audio right now him or just some other guy?

Chris: AAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

JC: ...Don't underestimate Chris, BW. He's a resourceful little man. I'm sure he has some greater plan.

Justin: I'ma get you, Chris. I'ma kick yo booty!

BW: JC, I do believe Justin is gonna kick his booty.

JC: Do you really?

BW: Wait...LOOK!

JC: Justin just fell off!!

BW: Justin just fell off the Crag! Rewind, Steve, rewind! How did that happen?

JC: Okay, we're looking at Justin chasing after Chris...suddenly Chris takes something out of his pocket...something that frightens Justin so much that he fell off the makeshift mountain!!

BW: Zoom the @#$% in, Steve, what is that?? It's...oh.

JC: Oh my.

BW: Oh my.

JC: A photo of Britney without any makeup on.

BW: And now the reason for the breakup becomes oh-so-evident.

JC: Brian!

BW: Oh I'm just kidding you big clump of lazy poo. She actually doesn't look too bad...still, the shock was enough to drive Justin over the edge, literally.

JC: Back in real-time, Justin is laying at the feet of the Crag, crumpled and with more than a few broken bones. I'd say the match is pretty much set now.

BW: I'd have to agree. Indeed, Chris has now come down and is now gloating at his fallen foe. I always knew Chris would win.

JC: Dude. You said Justin had a better chance.

BW: No I didn't.

JC: Scroll up and see for yoursel...hey, what in the world?

BW: What is that, an ant march? Someone get me my RAID...

JC: No Brian, it's...Justin's fans! What are they...

BW: They're storming the stage!

JC: Oh boy.

BW: Hundreds of little girls, climbing over the pits and raiding the arena.

JC: Oh boy.

BW: I think they're trying to get to Justin and help him up or something...oh wait, they aren't.

Chris: AAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

JC: Oh boy.

BW: Um...I'm not exactly sure how to describe what I'm seeing here..

JC: How about, "Hundreds of little girls are kicking the living **** out of Chris."

BW: That'll work. What an upset.

JC: Is this allowed?

BW: Heck, why not. This is, after all, Justin's fabled last resort in combat, the "Teeny Assault."

JC: ...Um, are they eating Chris?

BW: I guess so.

JC: Touche.

BW: Well I believe that's truly the end of the match, folks. Cue the theme song and roll the credits!

JC: (Meanwhile Steve, can you go and escort the 645987 plus young ladies off the stage and wipe up Chris' carcass as well?)

Steve: (...)


Winner: Justin!

BW: Stay tuned for our next match, aptly titled "Space for Rent!"