"It's official guys. The Club is going off the air. It's over."
For the first five minutes I swear no one said a word. We stood speechless. The tension in the room could have killed small animals.
It's over? Today? Now?
I felt the thoughts start to sink in. But...we were meant to last. We were meant to last forever, weren't we? We couldn't stop now!...I had...I had finally found something in my life that I loved, that I wanted to keep, that would last...could it be gone? Just like that!? Damnit, someone talk! Someone please say something, anything! Scream for all I care! I just can't stand the silence!
We stood in two groups backstage, basically the youngers kids including me in one corner and the older guys in another. Tony stood in the center; he think's he's some kind of leader. Well, then shoot Tony, lead! What's going on!? What's going to happen now?
I glanced over at my pals. People I had known during some of the best times of my life.
Ryan sort of had an expression somewhere between dazed and frightened. I could relate. Seriously relate. He caught my look and shook his head helplessly. What are we going to do? he mouthed. We had no idea. He's just a kid. I could relate.
Christina was expressionless. Yeah, that's Chrissy for you. Her mind had probably worked through every single little detail of what was gonna happen. Frankly she's way ahead of me. I wonder if this even affected her at all. Probably did. But she held her small head high as usual, refusing to let any emotion escape, to let any weakness show. Tell the truth I'd probably feel a lot better about myself if she broke down or something, I feel enough like a wuss as it is without her making boy-faces at everything.
And Britney...
Jesus.
Was she crying?
No. I looked hard at her face. No tears. No sobs.
But then why did she give me the impression that...
"Tony." JC spoke up, breaking the grisly silence. Thank God! Yeah JC you talk! "Is this for real? It's over? No more shows?"
"No more shows. We move out today." Tony said, his eyes firm, "Look, don't shoot the messenger, ai'ight? That's what they told me. We weren't making it. You saw it coming. No one wants this happy shit anymore. We're a joke. Going on with the show would be stupid. It was...it was the smart thing to do."
Screw you, Tony. Making excuses for those jerks. You don't get it. You don't get how much this hurts us...
No, of course he does. Don't blame this on Tony, a voice said to me. He didn't do anything wrong. He's trying to help.
Go away, annoying voice, I'll blame whoever I want to.
Keri said something extremely unfeminine and threw her fifty pounds of hair around. "Great. Just great! Back to the auditions for me, huh!? Back to the dance studios? The damn practices? This is perfect!" and stormed out of the room, trailed by Tony(Who had apparently decided that this was a good time to comfort his girlfriend i.e. get some).
We started to wander aimlessly around the room, the question on everyone's lips: What do we do now?
I felt pretty pissed. I'm a nice boy, believe it or not! But I just couldn't stop the hate from burning inside. How could they do that to us!? Just end it...just end it like this...? I felt like a toy that someone just played with and threw away when it wasn't fun anymore. How could they do that to us?
It sucked.
I went to hang with Ryan. "So."
"Justin, what are we going to do!? Geez man, what the heck am I going to do! The Club is my life! I don't know anything else!"
I was taken aback. Partially by his hysteria, and also because those are the exact thoughts I've been thinking. Still, I thought he was kinda overreacting...wasn't he?
I put on my best punkboy face. "Yo man, what are you on! Everything will be fine..."
"How do you know!? Everything's gonna be different now...Justin, we ain't like other kids. What the heck are we gonna do, go back to school!?"
Crap. I haven't thought about it that way. But I kept my face straight. I had to believe that things will go down for the best. It had to. I had to be cool, if not for myself then for Ryan. Man, he's really cracking.
Everything will work out. Wouldn't it? It always did.
"This sucks," he moaned. Yeah, my sentiments exactly. "This sucks so bad. I don't know, I don't know what I'm going to do."
Surprisingly, hearing Ryan voice my thoughts made me feel a little less guilty about having them. "Ryan, calm your butt down. Yeah, things are gonna change. But..." I searched for the right thing to say. Crap again. What do I say? How do I respond to an impossible question like this?
What do I say!
Talk, damn you!
I can't! What do I say!?
"Everything will be alright." I finished lamely. I suddenly wished that I was not some smart mouthed thirteen year old. I wished that I could talk. I wished that I knew stuff. I wish I was more adult. Ryan looked at me sadly and walked off, and at that moment the thing I wished for most was to find a way to comfort my friend while he was breaking down.
But I'm just a kid. What do I know? What can I say?
We spent the day saying our goodbyes to each other. I spent a lot of time with my head down, muttering stuff in response. I was afraid to talk and I was afraid that if I didn't talk I'd never get another chance to. People I've known for what seems like forever, and I can't find the guts to look them in the eyes and say something as simple as "Thanks for everything you done for me! I had fun! Good bye!" Let me tell you, I pick the most awkward moments to be shy in.
"Oh Justin I'll miss you so much!" Nikki screamed as she hugged me. "This must be so hard for you!"
"You have no idea," I muttered. I meant it.
"Lighten up, it'll all turn out okay!"
Words. Just words. I heard them, but I don't know if I heard them. Heck, I don't even know if she heard them.
But there was one person I really, really wanted to talk to before it all ended. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him stuff. So much stuff. If we weren't ever going to see each other again...I mean, I can't even think that.
I found his dressing room and knocked. I made a plan, preparing to act natural and cool. Yeah, Justy, you go.
"JC?"
"Yo, come on in!"
JC was staring into his mirror, doing something really strange to his hair with some yellow stuff. I really didn't want to know.
"Hey kid, what's on your mind?"
"Ummmmmmm..." Gee, a flaw in my master plan. The flaw being I really hadn't planned to actually say anything.
"Well?" he frowned. "What is it?"
Great time to have a brain fart, huh?
"Ummmmmmm..."
"It must suck for you kids, huh?" he said.
"What do you care." I grumbled.
@#$%^&*!!!
Yeah, Justin, way to turn on the smartass. This may be the last time you ever see him, do you REALLY want to part ways sounding like the little prick you know you are? Shut up, voice, that's not true!
"I care more than you think," he got up and looked at me curiously. Major crappies, I think I made him angry. "You know, we're all hurting. All of us. But it's just easier for some of us 'cause we've got something to fall back on. For you kids...I mean, a lot of us don't understand. But I do. Can't you see that...?" his voice trailed.
"Yeah, I know....I'm sorry..." I was. I really was. Funny. I used to spend days thinking up ways to piss JC off. I got a kick out of the way his veins bulged when I played a really nasty prank. But now...I really didn't want him mad at me. I really didn't. I couldn't imagine anything worse at the moment than to have him mad at me. "So...what are you going to do now?"
JC sighed and an his hands through his hair. "You know what, I really don't know. I'll hang around in Orlando for a while, I guess. See if anything pops up. Then I'll try to get back to normal stuff...you know, school. College." He laughed. "It all sounds so corny now, doesn't it?"
I knew. I couldn't imagine, couldn't conceive. School? College? What was that? I loved school. School was cool. But...me? It's like a step back. It really was. I'd be spanked so hard if I thought that out loud, but it really was.
"Well, good luck." I said.
@#$%^&*!!!
Yeah, good going, Justin. Why not just tell him to have a good life while you're at it? Shut up shut up shut up...
"So why don't you tell me why you really came to talk to me."
"Ummmm..."
"Justin?"
Talk, damn you!
I...can't!
I'd miss him. I'd miss him so much. He's such a friend. I couldn't count the number of jokes I played on him. I couldn't count the number of times I pissed him off. I couldn't count the times we laughed together. He's such a friend.
Damn you!
"Justin, time flies like a bumblebee on crack. What do you want to say, kid?"
"I..." I took off my baseball cap and fumbled with it.
Please, talk. Please. Say anything.
I want to. I want to tell him so much.
You're a loser, you know that?
Yeah, I do.
"Look, JC...I just wanted to say...thanks."
"For what?"
For what? "I don't know...lotsa things I guess...?"
He looked at me expectantly. God I wished I could talk. I wanted JC's way with words. I wanted JC's saaviness. I wanted to be like JC. Always did. He's been my idol for as long as forever, why can't I just tell him that! I wished I could just tell him!
Hmm, gee...while I'm wishing for things I wish I could have a motorcycle too...and a goatee. And one of those new Sega things.
And all of a sudden I couldn't help but start to laugh.
"What's up now?" JC raised an eyebrow.
"This is classic!...I'm here, I'm killing myself here trying to talk...and...you're there and..." I laughed some more. "Geez, 'C, you didn't actually expect to get all mushy in front of you, did ya?"
His mouth dropped. "Is that what this is all about!? Justin, you dork! Why didn't you just say so?" Gee, I don't know? For someone who's so cool, JC, you sure do suck.
I took a breath and started again. "Thanks for being such a friend to me, 'C. Thanks for...um...not kicking my butt to the moon that time with the shaving cream..."
"I still haven't forgiven you for that, by the way."
"Wait, don't stop me, I'm on a roll! Um...thanks for...for teaching me stuff when I was new and stuff, and, um...I'm sorry I was such a pain...and um...I'll miss you." What else? What else could I say? I wanted to say so much more, but...
JC came across the room and pulled me in for a big hug. I blinked, totally unprepared for this. Then again he was always better at showing his feelings than I was anyway. I hugged him too, trying to choke back on the extra gush that was threatening to show itself.
Don't cry, Justin. Do NOT cry. If you cry I'll kick your scrawny ass. Yeah yeah, I know...
"Justin, you dumb little Curly Fry, don't you think I know that? You're the biggest dork and a severe pain in the ass, but don't you think I know that? I like you, kid. I'll miss you too."
DO NOT CRY! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! NO TEARS! FIGHT THE TEARS!
"You suck," I muttered, squeezing him as hard as I could and burying my face in his shoulder. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Okay, Curly? Now I can't breathe."
"I don't care."
I'm warning you, you're gonna regret it if you cry. Boys don't cry. JC will laugh at you. You'll make a fool out of yourself.
A little late for that. Shut up. I'll cry whenever I want to.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I noticed that JC was still much taller than me. Shoot. I promised myself that someday, I'm going to be able to look him straight in the eyes, no tiptoes. If only to spite him, someday I'm gonna be his equal, not just some little kid he happens to share a show with.
So many things. I wanted to say so many things. Why did things have to change!? Why the hell do we have to change!?
I pulled off and wiped my eyes. "Uh, thanks again...for all that...stuff." I muttered. I find that I'm good at muttering.
"We'll keep in touch, okay? This isn't good bye. We'll keep in touch."
I nodded. There's so much more I wanted to say.
"If anything turns up, call me."
"Right." So much more.
Someday. Someday I'll see him again, won't I?
Tony and Dale peeked in through the doorway. "Hey Squirt. Josh, ready to go?"
"Where you guys going?" I asked.
"A couple of us are heading down to a rave. You know, blow off some steam," JC said as he went to grab his stuff.
"Can I come too?"
They stared at me and each other for a moment. "Uh...no."
"Maybe when you're older," he said.
"Oh." Figures. "Well, I'll see you guys later then."
"Alright, Curly. Don't forget, keep in touch!" he turned to leave.
No...don't go yet...I still have so many things to say!
"Okay. I'll call you."
Someday.
"Justin, your mom's waiting out front for you." Ryan called.
"Thanks, I'll be right there."
"Hey, can I hitch a ride with you? I don't, uh..."
Something about his tone worried me. "Sure...Ryan?"
"Yeah."
I looked at him, a little apprehensive of what I would find. He looked tired. Beaten. He really was scared. He was scared of what was going to happen. He missed things too. He didn't want things to change either.
He looked tired.
"Um..."
What do I say?
What do I say?
I'm just a kid. I don't know what to say.
But so's he.
JC had known. He helped me deal. It was my turn to come through for Ryan. But how? What do I say?
"Ryan, it'll be alright."
He looked at me dubiously. "Sure."
"No, man I mean it. Everything will work out. For me, for you, for everyone...I mean it. It'll be alright."
He still had doubts in his eyes, but I caught his attention. "Do you mean it? Do you really really mean it?"
Did I really really mean it? Yeah, I did. It shocked me too.
"Yeah Ryan, I really really mean it. It'll be alright."
He smiled for the first time that day. "Cool."
Suddenly I felt about six feet tall.
Christina walked by, dragging luggage that must have had more mass than she did. "Hi guys."
"Uh..." I stared. "You need some help with that? That looks heavy."
"No, I'm fine on my own, thank you."
"Ooooh, shafted!" Ryan whispered so only I could hear. I had to laugh. Good to see him more or less back to normal.
"What're you going to do now, Chrissy?" I asked.
"I'm going home. To my real home. Try to live, I guess? Then...I don't know...I don't think I could ever give up singing. No, I'm sure I could never give up singing. Who knows?" she beamed. One of the few times I've seen her so happy.
"Chrissy..." I hesitated, not sure how to put this. "You sound happy that the show is off now!"
She shrugged. "Come on, we're young. It wasn't going to last forever. We have our whole lives ahead of us! I'm not gonna sit around."
She made sense, I guess. In a way...it's almost like we've been avoiding the good side. But still...the bad side's kinda hard to ignore...! I wonder how she did it.
More likely she was just trying to hide it. The pain.
"I'm going," she declared. "You kids stay out of trouble. I'll see y'all laters!"
And she left us, just like that. I noticed just then how strong she was being. It felt like she was leaving us in the dust, in a strange way. Like she was so far ahead.
Well I mean to catch up.
I had to drop by the dressing room I shared with Ryan and some of the other boys to pick up some stuff. It freaked the heck out of me when I saw that someone was sitting in the corner, but then I recognized who it was.
"Britney?"
She didn't answer. Just continued to sit there.
"Brit?"
No notice of my existence at all. Under any other condition I guess I'd be annoyed but...
Whoa.
"Brit, are you crying?"
She turned to look at me, confused. "I'm not crying."
"I thought you were. It felt like you were."
She looked me directly in the eyes and I squirmed. I had trouble making eye contact, serious eye contact. Even with close friends like Brit. "Remember all those times we did those duets, right here, here in this room?"
I blushed at the memories. "Yeah."
"You told me so many times how off-key I was. I didn't care, did I?"
"Well, you weren't that off..."
"You were right, duh. You were always so much better at this singing thing than I am."
Really?
"Really?"
She turned away. I don't know...she looked so small right then.
"I don't know if I'll go on singing."
My jaw hit the floor. "Brit, what are you saying? You love singing. It's what you do!"
She glared at me suddenly and I shrinked. "Is it? I love a lot of other things too, and gee they're not around anymore are they!?"
What are you saying!?
"What are you saying!?"
"I love so many things. I love so many people. And now they're just being taken away from me!"
The words felt so wrong, coming from her. Not only because she was twelve. Because she was Britney. I approached her cautiously. I don't know why. I felt like she was thin glass that was going to explode.
"Brit, nothing's going away."
She raged. "Just like that. Just like that I lose stuff. I lose so much stuff. I'm not Christina. I'm not even you. I'm not that strong. I can't deal with this, Justin, I can't!"
"Brit...you're crying."
"What? No, I'm not"
"You're crying." I pointed to her heart. "In here. I can tell."
She stared at me. Then she softened. She seemed to sag a bit.
"'Course you can. You always could. I'm sorry."
"Well don't be sorry! Tell me what's wrong!"
"You're such a dork, Justin. Look at this room. What do you see?"
I looked. "Uh...I see the same dressing room I've used for about a year now...I see, um..." What? What was I supposed to see? "I see my chair. I see the spot I threw up in after doing that one song."
"What else?"
"I see the spot where I caught Matt doing something really weird with Ilana. I see the stain I made when I dropped my coke because you came up behind me and freaked me out. You suck, by the way. I see...the crack I made when I tripped TJ and he hit the wall pretty hard. I don't think I ever said sorry! I'm such a creep, heh. I see a lot of stuff! I see...oh."
We looked at each other sadly.
"I see my life."
"I see mine."
"You're crying again."
"...I know."
"No, you're really crying."
"...I know."
I gave her the bandanna I always kept in my pocket and she used it to blow her nose. She'll give it back. Probably.
"Are you okay?"
She shook her head. She looked miserable. I felt something seem to sting at my own heart. "How can I be okay?"
I wished she would stop crying. It hurt me to see her cry. I felt like I was the one who was hurting.
I don't know why. It felt selfish.
You don't know because you're just a little boy.
I'm not a little boy.
You sure do act like one.
I looked at her again. I hated the tears that messed up her pretty face. I hated them. I wanted them gone. I hated her pain. I wanted that gone too. She kept crying. Oh God, please make her stop. How do I make her stop?
You don't know anything.
Okay, I may not know a lot, but one thing I do know: I want Brit to feel better. So if your so f'ing smart, why don't you tell me how to make her feel better. Huh? Why don't you tell me what to do!? 'Cause I sure don't know!
She kept crying. Both inside and out. I felt it.
Someone tell me what to do!
I'm just a kid!
No one's going to tell you what to do. No one's going to tell you how to grow up.
Aw what the hell.
I went and sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulder. At first she stiffened a bit(Crap!)then she relaxed. She felt warm. She felt nice. But she was still crying. Where are you going with this? I don't know, I'm making this up as I go! Do you have a problem with that? None whatsoever. Carry on.
"Brit? Come on, don't cry. It's okay. Everything will be alright."
"No...no it won't...!" Dang. What else was I supposed to say? I hugged her tighter. I felt her breathing. She had stopped crying outside. But not inside. I could tell. I could feel it. It hurt her. And in turn it hurt me.
"Britney...it's not over."
She gave me a confused look.
"MMC isn't over."
"Yes it is. What are you talking about?"
"It's not. Not to us. Not," I tapped my heart, "In here. Or," I tapped her heart, "In here."
She stared at me, surprised at what I was saying. Yeah, I could relate.
"And isn't that where it's most important?"
"But..." she continued stare at me with the eyes I knew so well. It's like she wanted me to convince her. I didn't mind. Pretty eyes. Does she even know her eyes are so pretty? "But I lost so much. I don't have anything now. Everything I've worked for. There's nothing left for me. I lost so much..."
"You didn't lose me."
The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. If I had been thinking straight I never would have said it. If I had my usual Curlyboy defenses up around me, shielding myself off from everything else, I never would have said it. But you know what? I'm not sorry I did. Because I wanted to say it.
Because I meant it.
She stared at me for a long time. I felt her eyes boring into mine. But this time I didn't look away. I didn't want to.
Now, when did our faces get so close?
"Do you mean it?"
"Yeah. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. We got lotsa things comin' for us, Brit, we gotta be ready for them. You're gonna be famous someday. But you can't give up. You can't stop being you." Pause. "I'd miss our duets together."
"You would?"
"Uh huh. I like them. Promise me we'll do another one sometime?"
"Yeah," she whispered. "As many as you want."
"It's a date."
She had stopped crying.
"Thanks Justin."
"Brit..." I began.
"Now, I know it must have hurt like heck to have to think so much." She said seriously.
Say what? "Hey!"
She started to giggle like a hyena. "Sssssorry!"
She had stopped crying.
"I was trying to help!"
"You did help, Justin. You helped so much. Thank you!" She gave me a peck on the cheek. I nearly fell on my butt at this unexpected display of affection, but kept my composure.
There may be hope for you after all.
"Um..." Well, now I don't know what to say again. Typical me. "My mom is waiting for me and Ryan outside...you wanna come with us?"
"Yeah!" she bounced up like a spring and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the exit. "Come on, let's see if we can force her to take us for pizza!"
I let her drag me out. I considered taking a final glance back, just to see everything one last time, but I didn't.
I didn't need to.