Roswell
Kim Smith .... Liz Parker
JC Chasez .... Max Evans
Britney Spears .... Isabel Evans
Mandy Moore .... Maria DeLuca
Justin Timberlake .... Michael Guerin
Chris Kirkpatrick .... Alex Whitman
Joey Fatone .... Kyle Valenti
Lance Bass .... Sheriff Jim Valenti
Christina Aguilera .... Tess Harding
Scene is in a McDonald's. Mild-mannered high school student Kim Smith is serving chicken McNuggets at the counter with her friend Mandy Moore(Both are actual teenagers. GASP! What are the odds of that happening in contemporary television?).
Kim: I'm an average teenager living in an average town with average townspeople where nothing ever happens. Oh woe! Someday my priiiince will come...and he'd better be willing to love me endlessly even when I'm not there for him. Oh yes, I'm very much a control-freak who wants to dominate all mah boyz on a string and make them submit to my every whim, but we'll never discuss that in this webpage.
Mandy: And I'm her slightly neurotic sidekick who wants so much to be in the center of attention and allow myself to mature but is sooooo tired of the small-town mentality that plagues this small town. I'm also probably a closet lesbian, but we'll never discuss that on this site.
Joey Fatone, Kims' jock boyfriend(In this story), comes in.
Kim: You! Drop to da floor and give me twenty!
Joey: I can't take your control-fetish right now, Kim, I'm so hungry! Please feed me! I need to eat! I need to eat right now or I will die!
Kim: Oh fine.
Kim serves Joey some Big Macs, which he begins to violently destroy at an alarming speed.
Kim: Joey, I feel we're going nowhere with our relationship.
Joey: Mmmfpp.
Kim: You barely have any time for me.
Joey: Mmmfoo.
Kim: And I think it's time for us to grow and mature beyond our...
Joey: Mmmbop.
Kim takes a hot spatula and starts whacking Joey over the head with it.
Kim: Da**** listen to me when I speak! I demand attention from my bit...I mean my slave...my dog...my puppet, whatever!
Joey: Ow ow ow! I'm sorry I didn't mean to disrespect you...
Mandy: I wish something interesting would happen. Oh look, isn't that Justin Timberlake with Britney Spears?
Justin and Britney sit at a table. Justin is a brooding and moody young man from da wrohng sahd o' da trailah pahk, yo? He be a flah one.
Justin: Well, actually, I have very much potential but I deal with my insecurities by hiding behind a shell of toughness.
Shh, be quiet, you're not ever allowed to sound smart.
Justin: Right, sorry.
Britney is so lucky, she's a star, but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart, thinking, "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why the hell am I stuck in this loser town where midriffs are freakin' illegal!? Waaaah I'm not getting attention someone give me attention d**n you...!"
Mandy: I wish I were like Britney. Then I could get Justin.
Kim: What? But don't they really dislike each other?
Mandy: That's just their coverup, I'm sure. Deep down I'm sure they really care about each other.
Britney: You and your mood swings piss me off! Why can't you just act like a normal person!?
Justin: You should talk, Miss Glamour!
Britney: Yeah, bring it on, curly monkey!
Justin: That's it! I officially hate you now!
Kim: ...Really?
Mandy: Just a coverup.
JC Chasez walks into the restaurant, and Kim starts droolng all over Joey's hamburger. Joey shrugs and eats it anyway.
Kim: Oooh, Chasez. Rhymes with lay.
Mandy: You're into him!? But he's always so passive and calm and nontalkative and mundane! And he's probably sane too, do you realize how boring going out with him would be?
Kim: But you can tell he's just soooo deep...
Joey: What? What about me?
Kim: SILENCE WHEN I'M THINKING, SLAVE! Where was I?
Suddenly Lars Ulrich and the Napster guy, who were sitting at a table, get really pissed off at each other and start a shoot-out, then run outside in insane rage.
Kim: Oh no, I've been shot!
Joey: Really?
Kim: No, idiot, I'm faking it. Of course really!
Whacks him really hard with the spatula and he passes out. A few seconds later Kim passes out too.
Mandy: Oh no! Don't worry, Kim, I'll save you!
But then Mandy tkes one look at the wound and passes out too.
JC: ...
Without a word JC goes to Kim and uses a weird white glow to get rid of the bullet and the wound.
Justin: JC! What are you doing!?
JC: I have to save her, Justin. The character I'm playing loves her!
Britney: But we can't let them find out the truth about us...!
JC: Well, normally I'd be all smart and responsible and boring, but like the lovesick puppy Max Evans is, I'm supposed to not care!
Justin: Ah, h***. Now I'm jes be a grumpy mofo fo' the rest of the day, as usual. *Marches out of the room*
Britney: I hope you know what you're doing, JC. Wait, what a stupid question. *She leaves too.*
Kim's eyes flutter open and then first thing she sees is JC. Within milliseconds she jumps him and starts screaming like an Amazon.
Kim: YYYYEAAAH BABY!!!
JC: AAAAAHH!!!
JC pushes her off and runs away, crying in fright.
Kim: Dang!
The two others wake up dazedly.
Mandy: What...?
Joey: Unng...I swear, sir, I didn't know she was that young...
Just then Sheriff Lance Bass comes rushing into the room.
Lance: Whaht's gowing on in'ehre!? Yew keeds steerin' ahp sahme trahble?
Mandy: Sheriff, there were these people that came in and there were gunshots and Kim here got shot and...
Lance: Cahlme dahwn misseh. Nahw ehf youse friehn' ere wahs shawt, whah she's sehttin' dere all nahce 'n purty?
The others look at Kim in shock
Joey: That's funny...I was sure I heard you say you were shot...
Kim: Really? You're sure?
Joey: ...Actually, no.
Lance: Ahw dis be mahteh pehculier. I best beh gettin' some answers 'ere, bah golly, 'ehlse Ah aim naht frahm Missehssehppeh. And Ah aim frahm Missehssehppeh. Ah aim.
Justin: Look what you've done! Now people will find out who we really are and we'll never get any privacy again! AAARRRGGG!!!
JC: Justin, calm down.
Justin: I will not! I'm an angry white boy who didn't get my props!
JC: I couldn't just let her die like that.
Britney: Why not? It's not like she's me or anything.
JC: Britney...
Britney: What!? I'm just sharing my thoughts.
Knock knock
JC: Who's there?
Kim: Kim.
JC: Kim who?
Kim: Kim'ere and open the da** doors!
Britney: ...That wasn't funny at all...
JC: Nevermind that, quick, go and hide somewhere!
Justin and Britney immediately jump into the backseat of JC's car.
JC: ...
Justin: What? No one would ever look for us in here, right?
JC lets Kim in.
Kim: ...I wanna know what you did to me.
JC: Ah...what're you talking about?
Kim: Something happened...I had a bullet in my stomach, and you somehow made it go away.
JC: Ah...I tend to have that affect on people. Really.
Kim: Don't lie to me. Please. The last boy who lied to me ended up being chased by my rabid dogs.
JC: Ah, sure. Listen, I know you're really confused. Worried.
Kim: You can say that.
JC: But you're not pregnant, this I promise you.
Kim: What!?
JC: You know, pregnant? Weren't you worried about being pregnant?
Kim: Where did that come from!?
JC: But you know, in alien abductions the girl always winds up getting pregnant, you know? So I thought... you might be concerned that...
Kim: No!...wait, you're an alien?
JC: Ah, no. Did I say I was an alien? I didn't say that. Aw, he**.
Britney{Whispering}: Oops.
Justin: Oops is right. Our secret's out now!
Britney: No, I mean, oops, I think I just farted.
Justin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Help! Let me out, please!!!
Justin and Britney roll out of the car at the same time.
Kim: Are those two aliens too? 'Cause I wouldn't be surprised at all...
Kim: ...Can you keep a secret?
Mandy: C'mon, you know me! Of course not!
Kim: Oh, screw it.
Mandy: Hey, just tell me!
Kim: ...Oh, it's no big deal, just that JC, Justin, and Britney are aliens in guise of high school students...
Mandy: No way!
Kim: Yeah, I know it's incredible.
Mandy: I mean, no way JC can pose as a teenager! He looks too mature. Justin and Britney, maybe...not JC.
Joey{Suddenly showing up}: What about JC?
Kim: UM, nothing, nothing at all.
Mandy: You won't believe this, but JC, Justin, and Britney are...
Kim whacks Mandy over the head with a fire distinguisher, picks her up and bodily shoves her into her locker.
Kim: It's nothing, Joey.
Joey: I...heard from several people that you were at JC's house yesterday, Kim. What were you doing?
Kim: I wasn't doing JC!
Joey: What?
Kim: Nothing! Ah, late for class. Gotta go. Here, carry my books, slave.
Chris: Dangit, why do I have to be Alex!? Joey gets to play the big jock guy, JC and Justin the sexy aliens, Lance the bigshot sheriff, I have to play the dweeb? Everytime!
You get to steal Britney from Justin.
Chris: Oh. Well in that case...*Leans over to Britney* Hery Brit, I hear we're supposed to get together in this parody!
Britney: What!? But...I'm only allowed to date guys that are tall, blonde, and popular! It's in my contract.
Chris starts to cry
Britney: Oh, don't cry Chris. Here, I'll date you if you promise not to tell anyone that I'm an alien.
Chris: WHAT!? YOU'RE AN ALIEN...!?
Class turns to stare at them.
Chris: ...Alienated girl who has to rely on her blatant sexuality to squander attention from horny teenage males?
Britney: Um...yes. *Whisper* Are you happy now!? Now everyone thinks I'm evil!
Chris: Now everyone?...nevermind. Just, nevermind.
Justin: What did you tell her!?
Kim: What are you talking about?
Justin: Mandy! She pulled me into a closet and we...well, nevermind that, but before that she went on and on about aliens.
Kim: Oops.
Justin: Kim, we're relying on you to keep our secret! If you don't, we'll have to kill you!
Kim: Haha:) Justin that is just the oldest threat in the book, you're so funny.
Justin: Huh? No, I'm serious! I will kill you if you...
Kim: HAHAHA!!! Oh that's just so hilarious, do it again do it again!
Justin: I'm not kidding! I'm gonna kill you!
Kim: ROTFLHAO
Justin: Why doesn't anyone ever take me seriously:(!?
Justin starts to cry. A moment later JC shows up.
JC: Hey, Kim.
Kim makes an unimaginably high leap, wraps her legs around JC's face, and starts thrusting.
Kim: YYYYEAAAH BABY!!!
JC: Mm maamp mreeeeth...!
Kim: Huh?
JC: Mm maamp MREEEEEPH!!!
Kim: Oh.
In Sheriff Bass's office...
Mandy: You wanted to see me, Sheriff A$$...I mean Bass?
Lance: Jes needed to get yoh staytemehnts, Candy...ah mean Mandy. You were ahfter all an ahwitnehss. Ah'd ehspeshially lahk ta know a beht mo' baht JC, Justin, and Britney...
Mandy: What!? What about them, I don't know anything!
Lance: ...Misseh, Ah'm vereh, vereh inclahned to believe thayt, buht since mah character's a big paranoid blowhard who spehks wit his rear ehnd, Ah thihnk yo' hahdin' sometin'!
Mandy: I'm not! Really! There's nothing at all weird or unusual about JC or Justin or Britney...*Whisper* Wow, do I hear myself talking? Ha, nothing weird or unusual about them, what bull! Even if they weren't aliens...
Seriously.
Lance: ...Raht, misseh, Ah'll leht you off this tahm, but you jes watch yo'selves.
JC's Thoughts: I really hope we don't get found out by the sheriff. How are we gonna dissuade him? Maybe if we have Britney seduce him...no, bad idea, he'd probably just shoot her...wait maybe that's not such a bad idea...wait yes it is, Justin will get angry and he'll come and shoot me with a tranquilizer dart then ship me off to Alaska or something...wait isn't he with Mandy now? Hard to keep up with his love-life. What if he starts going after Kim!? But Kim's supposed to like me...but then again, she's really hot, but she's like a scary bondage thing here. What if I let Justin have her...but what'll happen to Britney? And Mandy? Waitaminute, isn't Chris with Britney now? I thought Chris already had a girlfriend, but maybe that outside of this dang parody where he's actually cool...I think too much, don't I?
Joey's Thoughts: I wonder if they're having sex. Da**it, if they're having sex without me I'm gonna be pissed!
Kim's Thoughts: JC is hot JC is hot JC is hot JC is hot do him now do him now do him now. Hmm, how am I gonna pull this off? I know! I'll pretend that I accidentally dropped my ring down his seat and lean over to look for it...teehee!
JC's Thoughts: This is so boring. Even I'm bored, and that's scary...Uh, girl, what are you doing!? Oh, you dropped your ring...um...what are you doing...?
Joey's Thoughts: WHOA!!! What are they doing!? Kim, how could you...WHOA hang on let me get my camera out....
Kim's Thoughts: Why-yi-yi-yippie-yi-yay...wow I'm so glad that the webmaster's drunk right now:)
JC's Thoughts: What's she doing? Whatever.
Joey's Thoughts: Go JC, go JC, it's your birthday...dang, out of film.
Kim's Thoughts: That's strange, why isn't he responding at all? I mean, he's "happy to see me," I can tell!...waitaminute...what's this?
JC's Thoughts: Oh dang, I left my gun in my pocket again. This being New Mexico and all...
Kim;s Thoughts: It is a gun...I've been...to a...EEEEWWWWWW!!!
JC's Thoughts: I'm so glad that the webmaster's drunk right now:).
Britney: Oh, Justin, I know I'm supposed to like you and all, but in this parody I have to like Chris instead!
Chris: Yea!
Justin: Oh yeah!? Well, well, I got Mandy now! And I never liked you anyways!
Britney frowns then uses her special alien powers to get inside Justin's head. Both get into a trance.
Chris: Wow, that's pretty cool.
Then the duo starts to moan and sweat.
Mandy: Hey, what are they doing!? Stop that!
Britney: Ooh, I can't get no satisfaction...
Chris: What are you dreaming about!?...Don't dream about that!
Justin: ....Ride it ride it ride it...
Then Mandy takes the hot spatula and whacks them both, snapping them out of the dream.
Justin: Whew! That was fun. By the way I still don't like you.
Britney: Well, I don't like you either, so there!
Chris: ...You guys realize that no one believes you when you say that?
Justin: Huh? Really?
Mandy: Really. It's like telling people that you're virgins.
Britney: You mean...people actually don't trust us? How can that be!?
Chris: ...
Justin: Well, if everyone knew about us already...
Justin and Britney start making out in the middle of the room.
Chris: Da**, now I'm a loser again.
Look at Mandy.
Mandy: No.
Chris: Alrighty then.
A petite blond girl walks into the room, radiating sex appeal. Justin stops in mid-lust and Chris is stoked, and Mandy raises the spatula again in apprehension.
Girl: Hi, I'm looking for JC Chasez. Is he here?
Justin: Ride it ride it ride it ride it giddy up now...Uh, I mean that depends. Who wants to know?
Girl: My name is Christina and I need to have sex with him.
Britney: Don't we all.
Justin, Chris, and Mandy stare at Britney, who shrugs helplessly. At that moment JC and Kim walk in.
JC: Hey guys. Who's this?
Mandy: She says she's Christina and she needs to have sex with you.
Kim: Don't we all.
Christina: What? No, I mean I need to have sex with him. It's my destiny.
Kim: Well, get in line behind the million other girls whose destinies are to have sex with JC, sista; You ain't gettin' no nookie tonight.
Christina: Hey, JC, come here.
JC: Yes, oh, beautiful one.
Kim: WHAT!?
Kim grabs the hot spatula from Mandy and starts whacking him with it.
JC: Ow ow ow stop it with the spatula! I...I don't know what happened! It's like she's got this mind controlling thing...
Christina: It's part of my alien powers.
Everyone is surprised.
All: You're an alien!?
Christina: Sure. Just like JC can heal people, Justin can explode things, and Britney can see people's dreams, I can get into people's heads.
JC: All this time we weren't alone...
Justin: Wait wait, I can explode things? How come no one ever told me about this!? Were you all afraid that I was gonna go psychotic or something?
Britney: We weren't afraid that you were going to go psychotic, Justy...
Kim: Well, alien soulmate or not, you can't have JC! He's mine!
Christina: Why don't we let JC decide that? Pick me, JC.
JC: Yes, oh glorious one.
Kim: Da***t, get your *** back here!
JC: Right, sorry Kim...
Christina: You want me, JC.
JC: Yes, I do.
Kim: I'm gonna beat you till you glow, boy.
JC: I...I can't help it:(, she's got something going on...
Christina: Come on over, baby.
JC: Why not?
Kim: Do you want me to unleash my dogs!?
Chris: This is so fun.
Justin: I got twelve bucks on Christina.
Mandy: You guys, we have to stop this!
Mandy and Britney grab Christina and drag her out the door.
Britney: *Whisper* Hey, one day you gotta teach me how to do that mind thingie...
Christina: Sure thing.
Mandy: Britney!
Britney: What? I'm just expressing my thoughts...
Kim: You guys! JC has been taken by government officials!
Chris: What, did they finally bust him for drug possession?
Kim: What? NO! What a stupid and unoriginal assumption, I can't believe you just said that.
I can't either...God I'm really drunk.
Justin: We have to go save him, or else our secret's gonna be out. An' I'll get pissed again and no one will want to be my friend.
Mandy: How? You guys got special powers but you're all still kinda, um, stupid.
Kim: The sheriff. We have to go get the sheriff.
Christina: No way. We can't trust other people. The last time I trusted someone he ended up spreading rumors about me giving him head. Don't ask. Me, Justin, and Britney will go in, the rest of you stay here.
Inside a white room of the secret government lab...
Voice over loudspeaker: Greetings, alien. I am special agent David Duchovny. Tell me everything you know about your race!
JC: And here I thought I had problems...
David: Don't play with me. You have my sister! Tell me where she is!
JC: Uh...no?
David: If you don't tell me, I'll make you watch endless hours of my movie, "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead!"
JC: NOOOOOOOOO!!! I'll tell you, I'll tell you! Um...she's...on the alien planet of Organa...and and...you have to go save her from the clutches of the dark overlord who incidentally is your father...and...
BOOM!!!
A loud explosion sounded and a large hole appeared in the wall. Justin, Britney, and Christina come through.
JC: How did you guys get in!?
Justin: There was a guard at the front, but Britney and Christina showed him their faces without any makeup, and he died.
JC: O_O
Britney: Okay, he did not die!...he just couldn't breathe for about...seven minutes or so...
Christina: Nevermind that, let's get out of here!
But at the entrance, they were held up by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.
Gillian: Well I'll be, Mulder, actual aliens! I guess I should apologize for the twelve million or so times that I called you a dumb***.
David: You see? You see!?
JC: Oh no! Whatever shall we do!?
At that moment Sheriff Bass blasted into the room in full Terminator-attire.
Lance: Puht yo' haynds uhp in de AYR!
David: Sheriff, you hold no authority here! The Fox network takes precedence over all!
Lance: Aw yeah? Wehl, whech one of these ain' not a Pokemon: Pikachu, Jigglypuff, GatoMon, or Squirtle?
David: What...I...I don't know!
As David Duchovny mulls over the million dollar question because none of his fans know what a Pokemon is, Lance and the others escape(Oh, I really am just so drunk...)
The next day, JC, Justin, Britney, Christina, and Kim have found a secret device that will let them communicate with the aliens' home planet.
JC: This is it...now we'll finally find out who we are...
The device turns out to be a hologram projector. A woman's shape appears in the light...
Figure: Hello, my children. I have chosen a form that will be familiar to you and not cause you to barf up your food for the last year or so. I am here to tell you that you were all once from the planet of MMC1993, which has long since been destroyed. JC was once a great leader, Justin a soldier, Britney his princess fiancee, and Christina was JC's mate. To ensure the success of our race you must have sex like crazed weasels with each other. That's it, get going. C'mon, you don't have all day. Oh whatever. Oh, and by the way there's a evil race of superpowerful beings after your lives. Have a nice day.
The figure faded away. JC and Kim are aghast.
Justin: Well, you heard the woman, let's go, Brit. You know, for the survival of our race and whatnot.
Britney: Right. This is business. Totally professional.
The two stare at each other solemnly for a minute, then burst out in insane laughter.
Justin: Just business! Oh, that's a good one>:D!
Kim: Oh, this just sucks! Now I'll never be with JC:(!
Christina: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...I mean, oh I'm so sorry Kim.
JC: Wait, Kim! Just because were not supposed to be together doesn't mean we're not supposed to...be together! Really!
Kim: SILENCE WHEN I'M IN PSYCHOLOGICAL ANGST, SLAVE!
With that, Kim whacked JC a couple times with a hot spatula and ran off weeping into the sunset as the theme song played(Great song, by the way..."Here With Me" by Dido. Oh, I am so drunk...)
Justin and Britney: Got together, split up, got together again, split up again. After a while they got back together. But not for long. Because Britney's evil twin Lucky surfaced and threatened to destroy the world, but was stopped and romanced by Justin's better twin Jason Sharp.
Joey: Got tired of having such a small role, so he went off to star in a Tom Hanks movie. Coolness.
Lance: He's from Mississippi. 'Nuff said.
Mandy: Got a night job killing vampires. It was originally intended for Britney, but she was occupied with the Lucky crisis.
Chris: As he is the only intelligent one of the bunch, Chris wised up and busted the **** out of this demented parody and back into reality where he has a perfect relationship and is actually cool. He's a smart cookie, that one...
Christina: Haunted by her naughty past, she moved to a little unknown town by the creek known as Capeside to distrupt yet another relationship, this time between a tomboy brunette(Who's actually not bad on the vocals herself, anyone remember her "On My Own" song?)and her childhood Spielberg obsessee. I am drunk.
Howie D.: The legendary alien hunter who is sent to destroy the descendants of MMC1993. I'm not even kidding, he even appears in the real Roswell episode.
JC and Kim: Who knows? Who cares!? I'm drunk anyway. Watch the show.
The End