The Game is Over

The *NSYNC Hotline Game

Five minutes after finishing the page: You know this was never actually supposed to be in the Humor section. But the more I wrote the less I felt myself being bound by those nasty and bothersome tendrils of reality. So um, blame reality. Not me.
Okay, seriously? I adore my laptop. I love it to bytes and pieces(HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). But when you don't have an attachable sound card gameport, you really do suck. Like, you suck. YOU SUCK!!
So after owning the game for a good five months, a few days ago I finally got to play it on my home computer. Which does have a sound card gameport. So there.
The point of the sound card thingie is, of course, so that you can attach the cool nifty Fantasy Phone. Hence the game being called a Fantasy Phone and CD-ROM game. Wow.
Okay before we begin the review of the game, I just have to tell everyone: Kids, don't be like me. Be smart. Don't be like me. Contrary to what common sense will tell you, you can play the entire game without once using the Fantasy Phone. It's completely possible. So technically I am a humongous tool for waiting five months. And what's the biggest tool-inducing phenomenon of the whole situation? The fact that they explain this in very intricate detail IN THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL.
I'm sorry, beloved laptop.
The thing is you have to use the numbers on the right side of the keyboard. Not the ones on the top. In other words, you have to not use the buttons that you always use and use the ones that you never use instead. Apparently, whoever programed this pile of cr...uh, this lovely, sensational masterpiece of gaming entertainment has never used or seen an actual keyboard in his or her entire life. Fun.
Now, for the actual games...
*NSYNC Hotline is pretty standard. Well, as standard as you can get while hurling purple bowling balls and practicing archery on your fav *NSYNCer, but I digress.
When you start the game, Johnny will appear to you in a screen at the right and tell you a bunch of stuff that you already know/don't need to know about anyway. So I didn't really pay attention. Anyway the way it goes is that he'll give you a number...you type this number into your phone/using your keyboard and press Talk/Enter and it'll take you to the games. At the end of one game it'll show you another number that you press to get to the next game. The ordering seems to be completely random.
Each of the fives games are "hosted" by an *NSYNCer. JC hosts the bowling game, Justin hosts the arrow shooty game, Joey hosts the "dancing" game, Chris hosts the undressing game, and Lance hosts the trivia game. Got it all? Lovely. They'll Pop in(AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) at the beginning and end of the games, and sometimes at the middle, and if you lose they'll pop in just to tell you how much you really really do suck. In my dreams they do anyway.
*NSYNC Bowling(aka the "This-is-where-you-get-to-release-all-your-pent-up-anger-on-those-lowsy freakin'-mofos" game): To break it down...basically you hit *NSYNC-lookalike pins with bowling balls. That's it. That's all. The basic rules of bowling apply.
...okay that's not all. The thing is you have to get at least 200 points to have "won" the challenge and move on. It sounds easy, considering it's computer bowling, but it really ain't. The way it works is that the game will automatically move the ball left and right along the starting lane, and your job is to press the button to send the ball rolling down the aisle. Again it sounds simple, but to receive an actual strike you gotta have the ball at direct center of the alley, no exceptions. Even being slightly off will cause a lesser score. In terms of real bowling it's not a big deal obviously, but remember your goal is 200 or you fail. Which means that you have to get a decent amount of strikes, a few in a row too. And the problem is that neither the keyboard nor the Fantasy Phone is all that responsive. Once you get the hang of it it becomes simpler but still relies quite a bit on luck rather than pure skill. Wow I sound smart.
But the game does give you some cheapness to counteract that;). Besides your ordinary bowling ball(the color of this ball is your favorite selected *NSYNCer's fav color...I like Chris' silver balls. Heh heh. Heh heh. Silver balls. Uh huh huh huh), you get three other types of balls to use, what I refer to as Cheap Balls. Uh huh huh huh. The first cheap ball guarantees you a strike no matter what. The second lets you replay the shot you got just before, in case you made a mistake or something. If you hit your fav *NSYNC with the third type of Cheat Ball and get a strike(your fav *NSYNCer should always be the one at the front of the pins so that's not an issue)all of them will blow you a kiss(doesn't really do anything..). And the fourth, you don't actually use this one, but if your ball rolls off to the side it'll automatically bounce back. You guessed it, the only important ones are the first and second types of Cheap Balls, seeing as the third won't actually help you with anything and if you're dumb enough to throw the ball off the aisle you probably shouldn't be playing this game anyway.
There's a catch, obviously, or else we'd all just cheat forever:p. You only get three of each type of ball from the beginning of the match. The way you get more of them is you have to hit a strike when one of the pins that pop up is the color that corresponds to that particular Cheap Ball. The colorization is totally random and could very well not appear throughout the entire round. It sounds complex but it...um, kinda is. Anyway...
Wowa, that was a long explanation.
Biggest Props: It's highly challenging without getting quite to the "impossible" portion of the spectrum. You actually have to calculate the number of Cheap Balls, all four types, you have stored and how it can carry you through to the end of the round. Me, I always try to go for a perfect 300 score. Getting 200 is lots easier.
(I gotta mention though, the "huge surprise" promised to you if you get a perfect 300 score is really...not...that good...it's basically all the guys going "You're awesome, you're hot, we love the moves you got!" together, which they do even if you don't get 300, and there are lil' fireworks behind, and the only addition I think is them waving and saying "WAY TO GOOOOO!!!!" all excited like. So um...not that impressive.)
And you get to hit *NSYNC with bowling balls. How can you top that? You can't. So don't try.
And hey, cartoon *NSYNCers screaming in agony as they get knocked out are just so fun;). If it were slightly less tedious and maybe required a bit more skill than it does luck, this would be the funnest game. But it don't so it ain't.
Biggest Complaint: If I had to make a top five list of the things I absolutely don't need to hear while I'm trying to make an impossibly split-second reflex click-maneuver to drive the bowling ball in the direct middle of a narrow alley, one of them would be Justin drawling "You bowl me over" in some manwhore husky I-haven't-had-orgasm-in-eons voice that's just literally bursting with fruit flavor. Truuuuuuly.
*Charity Challenge(aka the "Shoot-*NSYNC?-Gladly!" game): The game manual says that the lil' floating Cupid-thing is "Baby Justin." Um...that disturbs me in ways not mortally thought possible, but moving right along...
Ever played those duck-hunting arcade games, or those shoot-em-down games that were once legal in amusement parks;)? Okay, maybe they're still legal, but I wouldn't know. Well, this game is basically like that. The faces of *NSYNCers and the logos of CFTC and the Justin Timberlake Foundation will zigzag across the street, tempting you to shoot 'em down with the conveniently infinite amount of arrows you possess in your proximity. Always fun.
But alas, my...eh I mean your thirst for blood is quelled once more through the formalities of censorship. What could have been hardcore rock-out-loud arrows of bloody vengence have been reduced to lil'...cutesy "lip" arrows that you much launch at the *NSYNCers and at the charities to um, kiss them. And uh, score points. Your goal is to score a certain amount of points(200 to 800 depending on the skill level you select)in a certain amount of time(I haven't actually timed this but I'd say...around a minutes and a half to two minutes).
The face bubbles move through two rows, one on the top and one on the bottom. The top moves from right to left while the bottom moves from left to right. As they bounce across in the zigzagging trajectory, they'll also hide themselves in the "curtains" you see from time to time so that...
(No I'm not describing a Kama Sutra position. For Pete's sakes)
...so that you won't get a clear shot at those times. You have basically six positions to shoot your arrows towards...low left/right/center, or high left/right/center. The way you get the high shots is that you have to hold down the shoot button, whether it be the "Talk" option on your phone or the obscure lil' "Enter" button on the far right hand corner of the keyboard, for a sec to let the arrow draw back. Charging your shot if you will. To aim left or right, use the number "1" for left, "2" to get back center and "3" to aim right." To hit the high bubbles reguires a bit of timing. Not much, but a bit. Definitely more than to hit the lower ones. Still, the charge time is not very long at all and whenever a bouncing head goes into hiding in the wavy curtains, you could already be charging up for the next shot, ready to smack that sucker when it pops back up in its trajectory. Did I mention you could hit the same face bubble numerous times?
Now comes the catch(es). It's much easier to shoot the lower bubbles yes, but they give you like, no points. 10 if you shoot them at the sides, five at the center. Now, if you're a grand wuss and play the game in the Easiest setting where you only need to score 200 points in a minute and a half or so then gee, it's not really a big deal is it? But if you're hardcore and manly and hairy like me and play it in the Hardest setting where you have to score 800 points in that amount of time, then there's basically no point at all in bothering with the bottom row. Unless of course, you get a clear shot at Joey and would just convulse and die on the spot if you didn't hear that squishy trumpet sound effect, but more on that later. Now the top row grants you 25 points if you hit a bubble in the middle and 30 points if you hit them on the sides. Now that's what I'm talkin' about, dawg. *pulls up baggy pants and makes convoluted hand gesture*
So you're thinking, "I'll just focus on knocking down those bubbles bouncing through on the top then, and not worry about anything else then" right? That's actually all in all basically the winning strategy of it all, if not for this further catch...every once in a while, more often in the Harder skill level, a "Devil Face" *NSYNCer will pop up, which is an *NSYNC guy who looks basically like what he normally does...except for the hilarious lil' mustache and horns "drawn" onto his face:p. If you hit one of these either intentionally or by accident, you'll lose ten points. And the catch to this catch is that these Devil Faces can appear right in the middle of a normal *NSYNC face, completely at random. The normal face will go into "hiding" in those wavy curtains, right? But when they pop back up they'll all of a sudden be a Devil Face, and since a lot about hitting these faces is timing, most often your arrow will be flown until you realize too late that the face has changed. Although it sounds kinda annoying, it's actually tons less frustrating than every 4548735809540973 of the other frustrations this game tosses at you. Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly;). The special charity logos won't develop Devil Faces at all so you can let fly at those at will without having to worry.
This particular challenge has one final catch...every so often(also seemingly at random), one of three things will appear: a "Baby Justin"(My face right now= ), a small flying heart, or a big flying heart. They will fly around the screen and if you hit them you get anywhere from 50 points to 75 points, the small heart giving you the 75 points. Since they're pretty agile and swift and fly everywhere the best way to hit them is to charge down, aiming for the middle top portion of the screen, and time it so that you'll hit them when they fly to that spot(they're agile but their paths are pretty predictable and will almost always fly to every spot).
One final thing, and this isn't really a catch...if you hit the face of your designated fav *NSYNC(doesn't matter if he's in the top row or the bottom row), it'll make a lil' popping trumpet sound and lil' hearts will fly out from him. It doesn't give you more points or affect things in any other way it just...happens.
Wow, that was an even longer review. I suck. My eyes hurt. The next few will be shorter.
Biggest Props: It's the funnest game, hands down. It becomes easy once you get the royal hang of it but still requires technique and finesse and all that junk. The "devil face" *NSYNCers make it more challenging but far from frustrating, the floating uh, Baby Justins and Hearts are a good addition, and basically I like the "skill" involved in this game. It's not just sitting there smacking buttons, but it's not this total pain and frustration attack either.
Biggest Complaint: The first time I shot one of those charity bubbles(CFTC and the JTF thingies), Justin popped up and I swear I thought he was gonna smack me or something for shooting a charity. It was scary. I thought mean ol' Jujuface was gon' lay his smack down. I mean you'd think under common sense that shooting a charity with arrows would be a bad thing too. Then again, under common sense shooting people with arrows doesn't completely fall under the Happy Choirboys' top ten either.
But no, all Justin does is tell you about the charities. I'm not sure why this falls under an actual Complaint, but if actual critics can have nonsense make sense, why can't I? So there.
*Make a Move(aka the "lo-tech-rears-its-ugly-head" game): Um...it'll show numbers, and you show them back, making the *NSYNCers dance all the while. Ie first it'll go "3." So you type in "3" right? Then it'll go "3 1" so you type in "3 1." Then it'll go "3 1 5" and so on. That's it.
See? Short review.
Biggest Props: The music playing in the background SOOOOOOO rocks out loud. Along with the background music for "Quick Change," it's like poppy and nifty and all cool and stuff;). Seriously, I like just opening up these two games and listening to the tracks.
Biggest Complaint: Replay value is like, nil. Unless you wanna see Joey make a humongous fool out of himself or something doing lil' raise the barnroof moves. Always fun. But basically this particular game is way too easy and way too tedious. You'll have more fun playing Freecell. I mean if you wanted to be really cheap, just take some random sheet of scratch paper and write down the numbers as they pop up. I'm kinda disappointed that Joey got stuck hosting this game that's basically just lo-tech memory with lo-tech graffics(watching those lo-tech marionnettes try to dance is more depressing than it is rewarding).
*Quick Change(aka the "As-if-y'all-don't-wear-net-shirts-anyway" game): Dress the *NSYNCers. It'll show you one of the guys wearing a certain outfit with four essential parts: Shirt, jacket, pants, and shoes. After a while(in my opinion, way too short an amount of time!), it'll scramble the *NSYNCer's outfit into something else and you have to sort through those four articles of clothing and make it so that it matches with the ensemble they just showed you. You know, the one that you've already commited to memory after .0000000001 seconds? Yeah, that one. Oh, and did I mention that you have a time limit? Of, say, ten seconds or so? I exaggerate, but probably not by much.
Biggest Props: As I said, the music is so fun. And you'd be so bulling me if you said that one of your biggest fantasies ever isn't dressing up all five *NSYNCers in pink tank tops. Honestly now.
Biggest Complaint: It's hard. I mean, it's hard for me personally 'cause my photographic memory is somewhere between "suck" and "suckest." I often found myself muttering "Blueshirtredjacketarmypantsbrownshoes Blueshirtredjacketarmypantsbrownshoes Blueshirtredjacketarmypantsbrownshoes Blueshirtredjacketarmypantsbrownshoes Blueshirtredjacketarmypantsbrownshoes AAAAHHH NO DON'T I'VE ALMOST GOT IT DON'T RUN OUT OF TIME NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and it didn't exactly help that there were about 9 blue shirts, 11 red jackets, and 5096833226 brown shoes in all to choose from. Luckily there was only one pair of army pants. Thank Buffy for small favors.
Also, this is a minor complaint, but whoever thought that it was intelligent to have Chris say "That's not my style" whenever you put him in a FuManSkeeto 'beater must have been at that same place with the guys and gals who pulled the numerical keyboard switcharoo(see above), 'cause um that's Chris and that's FuMan, and he is FuMan, and only in unsanitary alternate universes where camels can fly using the carcass of rabid goshawks would Chris not match with FuMan. Truuuuuuuly.
Basically, this is the one game where the only worth comes from the No Strings mode, when you can take all the time you want to undress...er, dress them however you want. I'm just not into split second memorization.
*Trivia Challenge(aka the "Your-mother-did-what-to-you??" game): Basically, they'll ask you some trivia questions(example: "What happened to Joey after he jumped off the roof into a sandbox?" etc)and give you three answers to choose from(examples: 1]He lived. 2]He died. 3]He flew to Austria.), and your goal is to get a certain amount of questions right within a certain amount of time. As the time goes by the questions get more challenging. And meanwhile the *NSYNCers will make fruity lil' comments to distract you. Maybe they weren't originally meant to be distracting comments but I'll have you know that they are. Very. .
Biggest Props: A lot of this junk is actually quite informative and it's like going through a collection of stuff you may or may not have heard about the guys and for an info-freak like me it's like letting a druggie have access to all the crack he wants in the world.
...that came out wrong..
Biggest Complaint: Some of "this junk" is incorrect. So incorrect. And so wrong. The mistakes aren't numerous and they'll have you thinking "...hmm, maybe I'm just a tad misinformed, after all they're the professionals right?" other than "YOU LOSERS! YOU SUCK!" at first, but when they start mentioning that Lance's grandma makes him peach cobbler, there's just someone's azz beggin' to be whomped.
Also, it's just a bit distracting and annoying when one of the guys says something like "WHOA! You've gotta be kidding me! I didn't know that about YOU!!?" in connection to facts like "JC has dark hair" and keeps on saying it. Forever. Just a bit distracting.
*Behind the Scenes: Finished the game? Well then you get an all access pass to check out some behind the scenes footage of the making of the game. There are basically some pictures of *NSYNC recording their lines, and some (rather uninteresting) trivia about the making of it all. More amusing are the outtake video clips of the guys screwing up their lines and foolin' around, drug-filled stuff like that. As usual, Chris has the best outtakes of all.
But wait...you don't actually get to see all the clips yet! Not unless you finished all of the games in the hardest challenge setting. So HAHAHAHAHAHA to you. Unless of course, you did that. In which case no HAHA. If you did finish the game with the hardest settings, you get some sort of Super Duper Cool Ultimate Backstage Pass and get to watch all the clips. Yay.
One more function about *NSYNC Hotline...the Fantasy Phone. You can use it to download messages from the *NSYNCers and they'll even send you random messages from time to time w/out you knowing at all that you can carry around.
Hmm...this function doesn't appeal too much to me personally. I mean I can hardly keep track and keep up with my real cell phone, it's really too much of a bother to...bother with this one. But it might be cool for others.
Afterword: Well what can I say? I believe I went, um, just a scootch overboard in trying to make this game sound cool and appealing to y'all(^_-), but the truth is I actually did think it was an interesting and halfway-fun game. Obviously it doesn't even begin to begin to begin to commence to begin to compare to awe-inspiring and orgasm-inducing(results may vary)games like the Final Fantasy series or Sonic Adventure or the Marvel Vs. series(note extensive plugging from shameless webmaster), but as an average have-fun computer game it's not bad, if a bit lacking in replay value after you've toasted it a few times in a row.
So basically if you don't feel all that hot and bothered after reading my stunning and ecstatic review of the games above, don't get this game. I ain't gonna lie; if your level of interest in *NSYNC Hotline(even after reading my impressive and expressive and intensive review(note extensive plugging from shameless webmaster))is merely mild or average, then chances are good that you shouldn't chance it.
Still, I ain't gonna lie when I say that the game is pretty well put-together and does deserve a try or two if you got the heart for it. And besides, you'd be giving your hard-earned scrilla$$$ to the *NSYNCers. And there ain't nuthin' wrong wit dat *he says with the crossed fingers*

And as a final word:
I challenge anyone to find the number of times I used the word "basically" in this page. W/out using the "Find(on this page)" function, of course;).
*goes off to play Megaman*
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