Friends
Monica: (about her expensive boots) They’re very practical. I can wear them with skirts, with dresses and with pants.
Doug: Bing, my boy, we’re going to get you over this. So grab your coat, we’re going to go to a strip club!
Will: That’s right. We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl and you still had a hint of a penis.
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?
Chandler: It’s gone on way too long now. Y’know, I mean, the first time he said it, we were just passing each other in the hall. And the next time he was like “Hey, Toby, you wanna donut?” I, I wanted the donut. And now it’s five years later, the donut is gone, and I’m still Toby.
Monica: Ok, maybe people give out fake numbers but they don’t give out fake names!
Rachel: Ross, have I ever told you about the time I went backpacking through Western Europe?
Phoebe:(watching the video of Ross and Rachel, in a singsong voice) You’re gonna get pregnant...
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance.
Chandler: You can't tell, but I'm trying to ease the tension by mooning you guys.
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place- put the mouse back in the house.
Chandler: Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?
Phoebe: (talking about Foosball) This game is grotesque! Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever? Ugh, hello- human rights violation!
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Chandler: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blonde chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Chandler: (Noticing Ross' earring) You do know that Wham broke up?
Chandler: (A few minutes later) Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say?
Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
Chandler:It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Phoebe: I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
Joey: How you doin?
Janice: Oh..my..god!
Chandler: And now I have to get a snake.
Chandler: Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses...Wah-pah!
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things work out between you and Richard’s son,
you’ll be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Joey: Some girl ate Monica.
Chandler: Is she crazy?
Rachel: It was the graduation from hell.
Joanna: Bing? That's a great name.
Joey: Hey, hey Ross, I got a science question.
The Simpsons
Bart: Mo-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Bart: Eat my shorts Shelbyville!
Ralph:Hello supernintendo Chalmers. I’m lernding.
Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute, this sounds like rock-and-or-roll
Comic Book Guy: Make like my pants and split.
Skinner: Are you adequately prepared to rock!
Ralph: This tastes like grandma.
Moe: I'm taking your caricature down from Mt. Lushmore. And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
Hutz: Now don’t you worry, Mrs Simpson. I … Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Milhouse: Remember ALF? He's back, in pog form.
Maude: We’re not talking about love here Marge, we’re talking about S-E-X, in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Lou: There’s a couple of guys fighting down at the aquarium, Chief.
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Lou: Hey Chief that kids vandalizing a statue.
Mr. Burns: Who is this Homer Simpson?
Bart: I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaming.
Lisa: Friends? These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Homer: That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Bart: Come on Milhouse, there’s no such thing as a soul! It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson.
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Homer: You su-diddly-uck, Flanders.
Marge: Homer? Where are you?
Homer: You guys know Grand Funk, right?
Bart: There was an optics festival, and I was not informed?
Homer: So, I've noticed your home smells like feces.
Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are
making me laugh?
Homer: Have you seen this Blue Man Group? It's just a big rip off of
The Smurfs.
Ralph: Teacher sends me to the principle's office when I'm dirty.
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks
and blows.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Homer: Poochie could be bigger than curly fries.
Gilmore Girls
TRIX: So, Lorelai, since I've seen you last, you've grown up, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, raised a child, and still haven't bothered to get married. Have I left anything out?
LORELAI: That is a 2000 Indian, 80 horsepower, 5 speed close ratio Andrews transmission and I want to get one.
LORELAI: OK. I need to stop at the market and get some fruit.
LANE: If you hadn’t set me up with Todd, then I would still be in love with him.
LORELAI: She's never really referred to anyone I've dated by their first name before. I always kept her out of that part of my life, so it was like "the mustache guy", "the earring guy", "the peg leg guy".
LANE: You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you. Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume?
LUKE: Tradition is a trap that allows people to stick their heads in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn't have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It's a freaking fairy tale. Things sucked then too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.
LORELAI: Stop saying mother like that.
LORELAI: And it's so hard to believe that at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position --
RORY: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
EMILY: I mean, to have a place to go where she can socialize, that's very important to a young girl.
MICHEL: To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon.
RORY: So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz?
MOVIES
Mitch: You know there are two types of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping.
I'm not shooting for a successful relationship at his point, I'm just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low. (Bye, Bye Love)
Bob: Why is there tape on your nose?
Bluto: Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Miles: Their dog's a ball-sniffer.
Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips. (The Blues Brothers)
Give me a milk, Steve. In a dirty glass. (Cop And A Half)
Once more for Jesus. (Orgazmo)
It's okay Mom, I know he's just teasing. (Deadly Relations)
Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? (The Breakfast Club)
Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P. shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T. 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P. (Good Morning, Vietnam)
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination. (Clerks)
I do have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's over European
Socialism. I mean what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan
on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists. They
could be facist anarchists, it still wouldn't change that fact that
I don't have a car. (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)
Why can't the do a remake good show? Like B.J. and The Bear. Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.(MallRats)
That kid is back on the escalator!(MallRats)
Isabell: Alex, this is Chewie. He's an old friend of the family.
President: She didn't say anything about me?
What's happenin', hot stuff? (Sixteen Candles)
You must have been sick the day they taught law at law school. (A Few Good Men)
He sounds like a real gentleman. I bet he even takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it. (Steel Magnolias)
Toepick! (The Cutting Edge)
Tommy: You know, alot of people go to college for seven years.
Chubbs: (singing) It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Garth: It's like I'm looking down on Wayne's basement, only that's not Wayne's basement. Weird.
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street and earn the money to pay for them.
Chandler: No, no, no. Monica would freak...(Doug glares at him)...but to hell with that bitch!!
Rachel: Oh my God!!!!
Monica: You started that?!
Rachel: You heard that?!!!
Monica: Everyone in our school heard it!!
Chandler: Everyone in my school heard it. You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Joey: Oh yeah? Hi! Ken Adams! Nice to meet’cha!
Phoebe: Regina Philange.
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.
Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Monica: That was me.
Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.
Monica: That’s okay.
Rachel: That’s all right.
Ross: That’s okay.
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, “You don’t have insurance here, so stop calling us.”
Rachel: What?
Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...
Chandler: Flashdance.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…
Chandler: She was a welder.
Joey: What? Were you like in the movie?
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna.
Phoebe: Yeah, um, why is that?
Chandler: If I'm going to be a bitter, lonely old man I'm gonna need a thing,
you know, a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I
figure I'll be crazy man with a snake, you know. Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll
get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won't walk past my place they
will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout.
Ross: What’s wah-pah?
Chandler: Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah!
Joey: That’s not whipped! Whipped is whi-tcssh!
Chandler: That’s what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can’t do anything!
Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!
Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chanandler Bong.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man
at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden
leg in a fire, live in a box!!
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... ya know,
make a little love... Well, pretty much get down tonight.
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Phoebe: Like a straw. (Chandler stares at her puzzled) Remember crazy
straws?
Chandler: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarships.
Chandler: Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for "thy turkey's done."
Ross: Yeah..?
Joey: If the Homosapiens were in fact, homo - sapiens, is that why they're
extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homosapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging!
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Homer and Bart: Eat my shorts!!
Ned: Yes, eat all of our shirts!
Homer: 'It's Raining Men'?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well replace the word ‘kinda’ with the word ‘repeatedly’ and the word ‘dog’ with ‘son’.
Krusty: Sex cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Wiggum: Let’s roll.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys!
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
Wiggum: Oh look a wooden bat. Today all these kids use is just aluminum or metal. Good job boy.
Smithers: Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude.
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Tow truck man: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer: Just a second. No, it's a place I've never seen before.
Selma: Ah, the shower!
LORELAI: Well, sometime between growing up and getting pregnant I got my ears pierced.
RORY: No.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: You'd die.
LORELAI: Oh, that.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I think I'm getting scurvy.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah. Well that or a cold, but either way, I need some fruit.
RORY: Not the guy for you huh?
LANE: Not the guy for anybody who can read, write, talk or function on a basic human level.
MAX: Oh so you have a thing for pirates.
RORY: Yeah.
LANE: Ok, to me that said, ‘Hey mom, you work hard, you deserve something fancy’. Now to my mother, it said ‘Hey mom, here’s some smelly sex juice, the kind I use to lure boys with’ and resulted in me being sent to Bible camp all summer.
RORY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like there's supposed to be another word after it.
RORY: Oh, boy. Here we go.
LORELAI: Only I had a huge, fat stomach and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor --
RORY: On leave.
LORELAI: On leave -- right! And there I was --
RORY: In labor.
LORELAI: And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.
RORY: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.
LORELAI: And I was screaming and swearing and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me.
RORY: There wasn't.
LORELAI: But pelting the nurses sure was fun.
LORELAI: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert...again.
RORY: Uh-huh.
LORELAI: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
LORELAI: Well, now especially that the crack den is closed down on the corner all her really good friends are gone.
RICHARD: Oh, people die, we pay. People crash, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.
LORELAI: Well at least you have your new slogan.
Artie: Where did you hear that?
Mitch: Oh, that famous guy said it. What was his name? Oh yeah....Jesus! (Dirty Work)
Dignan: Exactly! (Bottle Rocket)
Boon: Germans?
Otter: He's rolling.
Mom: Miles, don't say that.
Miles: I couldn't think of another word for balls... Nuts! (Uncle Buck)
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. (Airplane)
Alex: Chewie. Hi, Luke Skywalker. (Chewie glares at him) Sorry, you must get that a lot.(Fools Rush In)
A.J.: Well, no, sir. But I could pass her a note before study hall. (The American President)
Richard: I know, they're called doctors. (Tommy Boy)
Happy: Alright, back off.
Chubbs: I'm just easing the tension, baby.
Happy: Well easy it on somebody else. (Happy Gilmore)
Wayne: Garth, that was a haiku. (Wayne's World)