2/17/03 12:49 am

What the fuck is with you people?  I don't know how you ever managed before I came into your lives because all I hear about every day of my fucking retarded life is how I need to update my blog just to entertain you turd burglars.  I can't even walk down the damn hall without seven or eight people coming up to me and harassing me about it.  I have to keep my instant messenger off just to dodge the complaints.  Let me tell you a little secret about why other blogs suck and mine rules.  The secret is that I don't post about useless daily crap that people don't really care to hear about.  Can you really expect interesting reality-based content from me on a regular basis if nothing interesting is going on?  The most interesting thing that's happened to me in the past couple weeks is my recent purchase of Command & Conquer Generals, which is a spectacular game, but I doubt anyone comes here to hear about that sort of nonsense.  There's actually something slightly more interesting that happened today.  I got to see Todd's unbelievably hot mom again today, which was more than a little arousing.  She's a MILF to the extreme.  And let me tell you something else about Todd's mom: she wants to have sex with you, all of you, so hit on her like there's no tomorrow and she'll totally jump in bed with you.  In closing, I'd like to state that I'm sick once again and will more than likely infect you if you come near me, so stay the hell away.  Don't knock on my door every five minutes so I have to get up from my C&C and chili cheese Fritos, otherwise you might find your head being smashed between the door and the frame of my BMW 325i convertible.

2/3/03 5:26 pm

"This is off the fucking wall!  What in the world is Chris Stevens doing on TechTV!?!?" you might be asking yourself, and I'm here today to answer that for you.  I was lucky enough to have the opportunity, courtesy of Andy (that Asian guy on the right), to attend a live broadcast of TechTV's The Screen Savers today along with Anferny (aka Anthony whose shoulder you can barely see in the far bottom left hand corner...he's also Asian as you can see).  I can say without a doubt that it was one of the most fabulous experiences of my entire life and has a dream of mine ever since I started watching the show.  Our voyage took us all the way to scenic downtown San Francisco to the TechTV studios.  I guess "studios" isn't really a good way to describe it because it's really just a poorly marked building with about two rooms.  The only thing that differentiates it from any of the other buildings in the area was a small, silver TechTV sticker.  Upon getting out of the car, a large metal pole somehow snuck up on Andy and hit him in the head (either that or he walked his dumb ass straight into a fucking stop light).  Fortunately, that was the only hitch we had the entire day.  For those of you unfamiliar with The Screen Savers, it was TechTV's (formerly known as ZDTV) very first show, featuring Leo Laporte and Patrick Norton (formerly co-hosted by Kate Botello).  In its current form, it is an hour-long live show designed to assist people with their personal computer problems through taking phone calls, emails and web cam feeds as well as educating the public about the very latest advances in technology and they do this all in a somewhat comical manner that is unparalleled in any other television show.  You may notice that I'm sporting my Sega Dreamcast t-shirt in order to fit in with my fellow geeks.  I got the shirt with the actual Dreamcast when I picked up my pre-order at Toys R Us on 9/9/99.  But enough with the bullshit, let's get down to it!  When we arrived at the TechTV studios, we were greeted by Angelo the guest services guy.  He kept talking to us about stuff we didn't care about.  After signing our life away to TechTV and allowing them to use our image and likeness however they please, we went into the studio, where Pat, Leo and Marty were already there messing around.  We saw Megan (currently super-pregnant) and Morgan in the little pit of computers where they typically hang out.  Angelo gave us the skinny on how we should "clap really fast" in order to give the illusion of there being an audience of more than 12 people.  The actual show was pretty uneventful.  The only thing I really found interesting was that Pat kept playing with high voltage electricity and plasma balls during the break, and Anferny and I were only about a foot away from it.  However, Leo did point out that it was "high voltage, but low amperage", which gave me a small level of comfort because that means I would die more slowly in the even of a catastrophic electrical emergency.  It was after the show where the real action happened.  We got to talk to Marty, Leo and Megan, but not Patrick (because he's the world's biggest asshole) and not Morgan (because she's too hot and the producers keep her far away from perverted young males such as myself).  I had an in-depth discussion with Leo about the decision to change the show from an hour and a half to only an hour (and by "in-depth", I mean about 45 seconds long).  Then Anferny and I decided to take the initiative and talk to Marty (who is our favorite) and we managed to slip past evil Angelo and get over to him.  When we asked for his autograph, he made us search for a sharpie because the pens that TechTV gave him are "shitty".  So, we stole Leo's sharpie and Marty signed our autographs.  We had heard a rumor from Angelo earlier that Marty was getting his own show soon, so we inquired about it to him personally.  He confirmed the rumor as being true and that his new show would be about "sex and drugs".  I'm not one to question Marty's judgment, so this is undoubtedly the truth.  Anferny and I then attempted another sneak maneuver to try to get over to Morgan, but Angelo spotted us and immediately ushered us out.  It made us very sad because we could tell she totally wanted us, but Angelo took away our one chance at her.  On the way out, Andy managed to avoid all the poles between the studio and the car and we went home...then we gloated to everyone else about how cool we are.

1/24/03 12:01 am

So, I was just chillin' on the Hoth system the other day with my bud Anthony when this Imperial Probe Droid crash landed right next to us!  Anthony practically pissed his fuckin' pants like a little school girl, but I told him not to worry because I'm used to this sort of thing.  So, as I always do, I whipped it out and started goin' at it.  The thing started flingin' laser bolts at me like they always do and I deflecting them left and right and then I turned to Anthony (who was whimpering in the corner at this point) and said, "Hey, can you take a shot of this before I finish this fucker off?"  And he said, "Fo' sheezy, homes."  The shot he got is really dynamic, as you can see.  I'm wearing my new sunglasses because the bright reflection from the snow on the Hoth system hurts my eyes otherwise.  You'll notice that I only hit the droid in the arm, but it exploded immediately afterward.  Anthony later determined that the droid was probably set on self-destruct mode.  Hopefully that was the only one and the location of our secret rebel base will still remain a secret, but I don't know.  Those Imperials are some slippery fucks sometimes.

Special thanks to Anthony by whom this picture was "taken".

P.S. For anyone who thinks my light saber is crooked somehow, you're an idiot.  That's the Count Dooku light saber and it's supposed to be that way!  n00b.

1/23/03 2:15 am

I haven't been able to write in awhile because school just started and I'm busy taking care of getting classes in order and whatnot and haven't had much time.  What's funny is that you stooges keep flocking back here everyday hoping that I've left some of my intellectual table scrapes for you to feast upon.  I had two classes today, one of which just happened to have been cancelled permanently, which I'm clearly upset about.  My school has recently reached the 30,000 student marker and it's quite frightening because it really isn't nearly big enough to facilitate that many people.  Just about every class is overcrowded and it's becoming more than slightly to get some of the classes that I need to take and I may have to settle for super-inconvenient times in order to fit them all in.  My entire college career so far has been hindered by overcrowding, starting with the Cal Poly story (which I don't feel like going into in full detail right now, but essentially I had to leave as an indirect result of overcrowding).  It seems like the Cal State system as a whole is having serious difficulty in allocating funding.  As a result, it's making the situation more and more difficult for students that entered college believing that they'd be able to do whatever they want there, but this is becoming less and less of a reality.  Something needs to be done that's along the lines of either significantly raising tuition, or strictly limiting new admissions, otherwise this new flood of students is going to ruin the educations of the many students that have already earned the right to a quality learning experience.

In other news, I bought a new pair of cheap sunglasses which have done nothing but add to my already amazingly sexy...uh...sexiness.  In other, other news, it seems like there's going to be yet another revision to 10angrygamers.com, but probably not for a little while.  So, if you like the current layout, you can just piss off because we don't like it and hence we don't like you either.  If you go there tomorrow, you'll probably see something written by me and it probably won't even offend you nearly as much as my blog does because I'm trying (and failing) to be professional.  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to ready something I wrote and not feeling like hurling yourself over a cliff onto some sharp rocks after reading it?  That would be totally sweet, dude.

1/18/03 2:57 am

For the last three years of my life, I've been forced to subject myself to evil, pain, and ugliness that are braces (of the dental variety).  This Wednesday, I finally had them removed and I must say that I am dead fucking sexy now.  I'd like to believe that my new found sexiness is a good thing, but it's made me realize something horrid about our society.  Today at work, unlike the vast majority of other work days, people were actually nice to me, in fact, two people complimented me on my typing skills which has never happened before.  I guess they figure a guy with braces would naturally be good at typing because he has no life and plays on the computer all day, but when they saw me in my recently-acquired-swank form, they assumed that I was cool and I must've had some sort of special training to be able to type this way, which was reflected in the conversations I had with them.  This is more than a bit disturbing to be because I'm getting the feeling that the last three years of my life went to was because of a few small chunks of metal in my mouth.  The braces not only looked ugly on their own, but also caused my facial expressions to look forced and abnormal, particularly in the smiling department.  Before I got the braces, my teeth weren't perfectly straight, but they were straight enough that I thought I could live without them, but upon the insistence of my parents I was forced to bear this heavy burden.  On top of the visual aesthetics (or lack thereof), braces also hurt like fuck, despite what anyone might tell you (orthodontists in particular).  Before I could even get them on, I had to get this special spreading plate put in the roof of my mouth that literally broke my jaw (intentionally, to widen it) when I cranked it everyday, but it broke it so subtly that it would be unnoticeable aside from the pain.  Then when the real treatment finally began, my mouth hurt again because my teeth aren't used to having god damn wires pulling them in different directions.  That pain subsided fairly shortly, but the real bullshit begins when they begin tightening the wires and putting on rubber bands to yank those suckers every which way.  The technology of braces has been around nearly since the beginning of time.  I know this because Paul from the 90's sitcom about the 50's and 60's known The Wonder Years wore them.  You see, unlike real doctors, orthodontists tend not to use the latest and greatest technology because they're only out for money and people's lives don't really depend on them.  You may have heard about Invisilign, those clear covers that go over your teeth that can be a substitute for braces.  My orthodontist is actually certified to treat people with it, but she has never, ever mentioned it to me and the only way I even know about her certification is because of a tiny little sign sitting in an obscure place behind the counter in her office.  Braces seem like an unnecessarily archaic way of straightening teeth and in all the years they have existed, I find it difficult to believe that nobody's come up with a better, less ugly, less painful solution that could completely replace braces.  I'd speculate that at least a third of the kids in America have to get braces at some point or another, so it's a wide enough market to do research in, but nobody's come up with anything yet and it pisses me off.  Whoever came up with the idea of moving teeth with painful wires and brackets should be shot in the face to begin with, but he/she is probably regarded as the forefather/mother of modern orthodontics by the dental community because he/she's earned them an ungodly amount of money.  A little advice I have for you all is to just be happy with what Allah gave you and leave your teeth be.  Orthodontists that say that you'll somehow die from crooked teeth are lying to take your money!  Braces are nothing but a function of vanity for the vast majority of patients and you don't want people to think that you're a self-absorbed asshole, do you?

1/17/03 2:09 am

Another Makeshift(tm) first!  I now give you Liz acting retarded in the early morning hours.

SwabTheDeckMatey wants to directly connect.
you kill me is now directly connected.
SwabTheDeckMatey: weee
[note: I've been waiting for about 5 minutes already for this picture]
SwabTheDeckMatey: this picture better be worth the wait
SwabTheDeckMatey: or guess what...
SwabTheDeckMatey: YOU DIE
SwabTheDeckMatey: your miniature ponies are fucking gaysh
you kill me:
you kill me: it's not like you had anything better to do
you kill me: young nasty man
SwabTheDeckMatey: how come julianne isn't trying to rape him like you two rapists?
you kill me: lol
SwabTheDeckMatey: AND WHO THE FUCK IS FONDLING YOU!??! IS THAT THE PR GUY!?
SwabTheDeckMatey: those public relation FUCKS
SwabTheDeckMatey: they're always up to some shit
SwabTheDeckMatey: random public relationtions guys says, "gimme a piece of that liz over there, please"
you kill me:
you kill me: LOL
you kill me: he's the manager of westwood
you kill me: and i threw myself onto him for some reason
you kill me: i mean he's hte manager of the borders in westwood
SwabTheDeckMatey: alexana is mean to me
SwabTheDeckMatey: and she uses the F word a lot...i don't like people who use the F word
SwabTheDeckMatey: your pony is animated which makes him different from other ponies
SwabTheDeckMatey: and by different i mean retarded
SwabTheDeckMatey: your pony is a fuck up (like alexana claims that I am at blockbuster)
SwabTheDeckMatey: now it's time to tell you about young nasty man, rival and arch nemesis of wonderboy with powers COMPARABLE TO WONDERBOY!
you kill me signed off at 2:05:00 AM.
you kill me signed on at 2:05:15 AM.
you kill me: i had problemz
SwabTheDeckMatey: *have

1/14/03 3:54 pm

It seems that people aren't appreciating my post about lying as much as they should, considering it's a comedy fucking goldmine.  Anyway, this diabetic kid (DIABETES MAKES YOU STUPID) that I know who happens to share the same first name as me (which is the only reason I'm friends with him) misread my post, thinking that the situation involving A happened within 24 hours of that post and started complaining to me about it without reading the sentence right after it...I guess he must've had low blood sugar or whatever.  Anyway, A also had a comment about it in which she pointed out that she did in fact buy me a candy bar afterward in an attempt make up for her appalling behavior.  This to me is not dissimilar from O.J. Simpson paying off the Goldman family after he killed their son.  There are two reasons why I don't let people make little electronic comments on my posts.  The first is that the makeshift nature of this blog requires me to use on the most basic of technology.  I don't want to have to start using a real server that has a MySQL database or some shit to store your pathetic opinions.  This leads my to my second reason which is I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  If you want to read a blog that allows the option counter-bitching, you can visit Matt's, but otherwise what you think is meaningless to me.

P.S. I still love you.

1/13/03 3:44 pm

My eligibility for employment at Blockbuster is now in jeopardy as a direct result of their own stupidity!  Since I began working there this past summer, all of my paychecks and any letters I've received from them have been addressed to "Stevens L. Christopher", which, for those of you who aren't sure, is a flip-flop of my real name, Christopher L. Stevens.  Lucky for them, the bank has had no problem cashing the checks for me for these past several months, but now this whole shitty situation is catching up with me.  I received a letter today that said there was a discrepancy between my name and the name that corresponds with my social security number.  With every misprinted paycheck, my store manager has apologized to me and insisted that the problem was being taken care of, but it would seem that absolutely nothing has been done to save me from peril.  As soon as I got the letter, I drove over to my store to get the number to call the payroll office, but of course they're not there because, unlike me, they only work about three hours a week and I must've missed them, so I was forced to leave a message.  They'll never call me back and I'll get fired and I'll sue and become a millionaire (or billionaire) because they're idiots.

1/13/03 3:36 am

I worked at Blockbuster location other than my own today.  I assume that this was a direct result of a cooperative decision on the part of many employees to quit their jobs at that location at the exact same time.  Myself and a borderline-retarded individual from another location had to fill in for the misanthropes there because the entire Newbury Park store consists only of managerial staff at this time.  The Newbury Park store is a gross misallocation of resources as it is significantly larger than my own store with only about one third of the customers.  As a side note, this store was also robbed at gunpoint only a few short weeks ago by some teenaged jerkoffs from the Newbury Park ghetto district.  Things were going decently for awhile when the other stand-in guy was keeping his mouth shut, but after a couple hours, his inhibitions seemed to disappear and he started making erroneous remarks about nonsensical gibberish.  He insisted on commenting on every shortcoming that Blockbuster has, but in such a way that it was anti-funny.  For example, "Can you believe how messy these shelves are!  THEY'RE SO MESSY, OH MY GOD!" (heavy, bellowing laughter follows on his part, while uncomfortable, forced laughter follows on my part).  On top of that, he began commenting to me in little whispers about how he thought certain female customers were, as the kids say, "hot".  Normally, I'm not bothered in the least by such behavior, but none of the girls that he said were hot were actually good looking and for customers that actually were appealing, he had no such comment.  Toward the end of the day, near closing time, the guy was in the back and asked me to ask the manager if there was another place for candy aside from the closet he was searching through where candy was kept.  I went up to the manager who was back out on the floor and told him somewhat sarcastically, "Whats-his-face in the back wants to know if there's some other place besides that closet where you keep candy."  For what had become obvious reasons, this triggered a huge burst of laughter from the manager who undoubtedly felt the same way toward the guy that I did.  The corporate entity that is Blockbuster, Inc. (subsidiary of Viacom) seems to attract and/or spawn many people of this guy's disposition.  There appears to be a much higher percentage of people like him working for Blockbuster than would normally exist in a closed system.  I fear that if I keep working for such an entity, I will be transformed into a witless, shit-headed ass clown much like the aforementioned idiot.  I think I'm going to ask for a huge raise because this sort of risk isn't worth my current hourly wage of $8.25 (before taxes).

P.S. Detailed observations about the recent ski (not snowboarding, you fuck-faced cock knockers) trip will be posted shortly.

1/12/03 2:33 pm

It seems that people have the incessant compulsion to lie to me on a frequent basis.  In the last 24 hours, I've been lied to about 5 times, but I'm not sure if it really counts because the lies were so obvious.  I'll give you a quick run down of some of the obvious lies I've been subjected to over the past few weeks, using initials for the people involved in order to protect the innocent.

Situation One:

L: I'm tired.
Me: So, go to bed.
L: OK, I will.
Me: I have the feeling that you probably won't.
L: I'm going to go to bed now!
Me: I don't think so.
...an hour and a half passes...
L: OK, I'm going to bed for real now.
...L finally goes to bed...

Situation Two:

...I'm standing in line for some stromboli at Sbarro's where there's only one stromboli left and A comes up to me...
A: I'm just going to cut in front of you now so I can get that last stromboli that's rightfully yours.
...A cuts in line...
Me: Damn you, it's mine.  Fine, go ahead and take it.
A: No, I only want it if YOU don't want it.
Me: That's not true.  You want it regardless, but you'll only take it if I don't.
A: No, really, I only want it if you don't.
Me: Why can't you just tell the truth?  You want the stromboli and the only thing keeping you from taking it is the fact that I'm in your way.
A: That's not true!
Me: If you want it, just take it!
A: But I don't want it if you want it!
...after 20 more minutes of arguing, A ends up taking the stromboli because she's selfish...

After holding thousands of doors and giving up millions of stromboli for women, I find it hard to sympathize when they start complaining about making so much less money in the workplace.  They want to be treated equally, yet when a guy tries to do something nice for them, they don't refuse.  So, if you girly types want to be treated equally, give your stromboli to me, otherwise piss off.  The only thing that really bothers me is that the 20% loss they take should be paid to me and not simply be absorbed into the system.

Situation Three:

N: I'm cold because my computer is in the garage and it's making me type crappily.
Me: Why don't you put your computer INSIDE your house where the temperature doesn't resemble that of the arctic circle?
N: Because there's no room in my house!
Me: Are you sure it's not just that you're too lazy to move the computer?
N: No!  It's because my living space is so incredibly confined that I can't possibly find a few square feet inside the house to put a computer.
Me: Am I gonna have to come over there and show you how to do this?

Coming from a family of engineering freaks, I know that it's possible to fit just about anything in a finite amount space.  N knows this too, but because of her inherent lying nature, she could never possibly admit to it.  Instead, N uses her lies to somehow get attention from me to boost her self esteem.

Situation Four:

T: I'm sick so I can't go on the snowboard trip.
Me: You big faker, you are not!
T: Dude, I have a fucking fever!
(note: T has had this fever for at least two days already)
Me: If you had a fever for this long, YOU'D BE DEAD.  Fevers aren't like colds...if you have one for too long, YOU DIE.
T: Alright, what really happened is...(removed to protect the innocent).

P.S. T is a bad person, but I'm not allowed to say why.

1/5/03 3:24 am

Nothing of any real interest has happened to me in the past couple of days.  Liz has been acting in such a manner that has caused me to threaten her with blackmail.  The evidence against her just keeps stacking up because late at night, she'll pretty much just say anything, as you may have observed from many of the posted conversations here.  I learned today that one of Liz's friends before she met me had seen a picture of me and said something to the degree of, "Is that SwabTheDeckMatey?"  I was upset because the picture she had seen was a very unusual one where I was doing something embarrassing and/or stupid.  I guess I'm somewhat happy that I've been able to finally find a screen name that I actually look like, but it seems like it's for the wrong reasons.  I'd like to close by saying that you're an uncle fucker, yes it's true, nobody fucks uncles quite like you.

1/3/03 12:49 am

Liz and I discussing topics such as sherbet, man-loving Josh Groban, and domestic violence, finishing up with a quick shot at Todd.

SwabTheDeckMatey: sherbet is weak
SwabTheDeckMatey: i need real ice cream
you kill me: you need josh groban
SwabTheDeckMatey: you live in a city where all the movie stars are and yet you pick this nobody to lust over
SwabTheDeckMatey: why is that?
SwabTheDeckMatey: lust over john lithgow while he's walking his dog
you kill me: WHAT?!
you kill me: i totally lust over josh groban
SwabTheDeckMatey: i know, and he's a nobody
you kill me: haha john lithgow
you kill me: and his dogss
you kill me: he is somebody!!
SwabTheDeckMatey: whatev,
you kill me: he's a singing curlysheep
SwabTheDeckMatey: i'm way curlier now
you kill me: lol why?
SwabTheDeckMatey: i bet my curliness is why more than his
SwabTheDeckMatey: because i haven't gotten my hair cut in forever
you kill me: no his hair is totally curly
you kill me: i totally scratched his head
SwabTheDeckMatey: ew
you kill me: and his hair was curly, im telling you
you kill me: LOL
SwabTheDeckMatey: curlyheads keep weird things in their hair
SwabTheDeckMatey: i keep my checkbook and condoms in there
you kill me: haha
you kill me: your imaginary ones
SwabTheDeckMatey: i don't have imaginary condoms
SwabTheDeckMatey: is that what you meant?
you kill me: yes
you kill me: JOSHGROBAN
you kill me: owns YOU
you kill me: chris stevens
SwabTheDeckMatey: saruman owns you, lisbeth ortega
SwabTheDeckMatey: WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME BY MY FULL FUCKING NAME
SwabTheDeckMatey: for almost the entire time we were going out, julianne would call me that shit and it pissed me off
you kill me: hahahaha
you kill me: i know
SwabTheDeckMatey: then I'd punch her in the face and she'd be confused as to why, even though I had just told her
SwabTheDeckMatey: and then she'd be like, "but that's no reason to punch me in the face"
you kill me: lol you liar
SwabTheDeckMatey: and i'd be like, "yeah, according to YOU"
SwabTheDeckMatey: and then she'd be like, "eat shit, chrisstevens"
SwabTheDeckMatey: and then I'd be like, "maybe I will"
SwabTheDeckMatey: but instead of eating shit, i'd just punch her in the face again
you kill me: stop being todd-like

1/2/03 12:49 am

Background Information: Todd is my roommate at school.  maxpad4000 is Todd's brother Max.  This is a typical example of me taking advantage of people who don't know me while making Todd look bad, which I do a lot in real life, but this is one of the few times I've been able to capture it electronically.

maxpad4000: why do u hate me?
SwabTheDeckMatey: because you let todd influence you
SwabTheDeckMatey: and because you're a capitalist
maxpad4000: why do u hate todd?
SwabTheDeckMatey: i don't, i just hate people who are influenced by him
SwabTheDeckMatey: that won't immediately make sense
SwabTheDeckMatey: you'll have to think about it for awhile
maxpad4000: lol
maxpad4000: i got it
maxpad4000: wait i lost it
SwabTheDeckMatey: i guess you're screwed now
SwabTheDeckMatey: i forgot too
maxpad4000: why do people follow todds ways
SwabTheDeckMatey: they don't, at least not normal people
SwabTheDeckMatey: just you
SwabTheDeckMatey: i've seen you in his movies...you're like his twin, except british
maxpad4000: lol
maxpad4000: we dnt look alike
SwabTheDeckMatey: sure you don't
SwabTheDeckMatey: if I looked like todd, i'd try to deny it too
SwabTheDeckMatey: actually, I do look kinda like him, but i try to deny it
SwabTheDeckMatey: we even have the same shoes
SwabTheDeckMatey: except he does weird things with his hair and has piercings in order to attract attention
SwabTheDeckMatey: i actually swapped shoes with him and he doesn't even know it
SwabTheDeckMatey: the way we could tell the difference is because his laces were on the inside and mine were on the outside, but i just fixed them both to be the opposite and swapped shoes
maxpad4000: hahahahhaha
maxpad4000: why is it bad he wants attention
SwabTheDeckMatey: i didn't say it was bad
SwabTheDeckMatey: if I had the personality of a doorstop like he does, i'd change my appearance to get attention too...whoops, that sounded better in my head
SwabTheDeckMatey: you see, my primary language is actually hebrew, and in hebrew, that actually sounds good
maxpad4000: lol
maxpad4000: are u jewish?
SwabTheDeckMatey: no
maxpad4000: oh
SwabTheDeckMatey: i was born in a small town in canada where everyone speaks hebrew
maxpad4000: does todd make weird noises in the night
SwabTheDeckMatey: yeah, sometimes he yells out in his sleep, "I wish I was max! he's so much cooler than me!"
maxpad4000: haha
maxpad4000: well thats true
maxpad4000: hes an odd one

1/1/03 10:06 pm

I'd like to officially welcome you all to the second year of the Makeshift Blog.  My New Year's resolution is the same as last year's: 1024x768.  I joke because I love.  My real fake resolution is to be excessively promiscuous in order to collect every possible STD in a Pokemon fashion and then "trade" them with other people.  OK, I don't actually have a real resolution because the whole idea is bogus.  If there's something I want/need to change about myself, than I'm sure as hell not going to wait until the new year to do something about it.  I'd just rather not change anything about myself at all because I've reached a point in my life where I've minimized work while maximizing convenience.  If I'd paid more attention in calculus, I'm sure that I could've figured it out much sooner, but I prefer trial and error over any sort of proven methods.

To commemorate this special occasion, I'd like to direct your attention to the very first post made on this blog where I nearly broke my ankle...it's all the way at the bottom, keep scrollin'.  For the past few weeks, I've been under the impression that my ankle has completely healed, but it seems to be acting up again.  I'm especially fearful of this due to the impending ski trip next week for which my ankles must be in top condition.  By the way, I still haven't received any bets from you snowboarding types.  I guess you all know where you stand (or rather sit...on your ass...in the snow until your ass freezes off).  Am I right?

12/31/02 2:02 am

The entire first part of this entry will just be sporadic nonsense that had to do with everyday happenings in my life.  Feel free to skip over it.

I blew off going to Fry's in lieu of sleeping today.  To my surprise, when I showed up to work today, the problem with my paycheck was miraculously solved and now I'm rich.  To celebrate, I bought not just a single, but a double Western Bacon Cheeseburger at Carl's Jr.  I rented myself This Is Spinal Tap and watched it this evening.  It's a fantastic piece of film and I recommend it to everyone, except Todd because he's a film major/cinematic idiot.

The plans are set and the gears are in motion for the upcoming Ski/Snowboard trip to Reno (a place that up, until three days ago, I was led to believe didn't have any sort of skiing accommodations).  Everyone besides me who is going is going to snowboard, but I will ski because I'm not a trendy wannabe retard.  I've tried snowboarding in the past, just to be fair, and it simply lacks the elegance, control, and safety of skiing.  I've never even come close to being injured in my 14 years of skiing, but the first time I snowboarded, I nearly broke my ankle (although, my dad has dislocated his shoulder twice skiing while doing Sonny Bono-esque maneuvers in the "out of bounds" area).  Also, like every other boarder, I spent most of the day sitting on my ass instead of actually romping down the mountain.  I'm ultra-excited about the trip, especially after last year's drought of ski trips because my neighbors decided at the very last minute not to let us use their cabin in Mammoth.  I'll take bets from any of you snowboarders out there who think you can beat me in a race down the mountain, that is, if you're willing to throw your money away.

12/29/02 11:17 pm

Today was another day filled with anger and rage toward technology.  First, I went to Best Buy to return my crappy LotR: TTT game, which I wanted to exchange for Unreal Tournament 2003 (referred to henceforth as UT2K3), but of course they were all sold out.  So, I tried taking my credit card to Electronics Boutique, but they were sold out, too.  Even though I loath Circuit City, I tried there as well, but it turns out that they don't even sell PC games there, which only further frustrated me.  I'm going to Fry's tomorrow and I have no doubt that they'll have it because they're always overstocked with crap like that.

For those of you who don't already know, I use a little-known, yet highly effective technology called HPNA (Home Phoneline Networking Alliance) to network my house.  It runs at 10 mbps, just like standard Ethernet, but is ultra-cheap because there is no need to rewire the house because it just uses your existing phone lines.  The equipment, aside from the wiring, is all roughly the same price as Ethernet too (cards, router, etc.).  This technology has been working quite dandily for some time now, but recently, my computer has begun hating it.  The other computers in the house that use it have absolutely no problem, but mine (arguably the best computer in the house) has absolutely no love for the technology.  Freezes are becoming more frequent in applications that require a great deal of bandwidth as well as a great deal of graphical power (primarily games, but also some high quality streaming video).  My initial hypothesis was that my crappy HP power supply was not providing enough power to the PCI bus, so when too much stuff is going on down there, the computer freaks out and gives up.  I decided to disable some of the other devices on the PCI bus such as the modem and the firewire card that I don't use in order to free up some power.  This seemed to work for awhile, but isn't really working anymore.  Then I decided to physically remove the firewire card from the computer altogether.  This did not help in the least and made my life more difficult because it's hard to get cards in and out of my tiny case.  My new idea is to ditch the HPNA PCI card and replace it with an HPNA USB adapter.  Hopefully, this will get rid of my problem, otherwise things could turn ugly very quickly and I might blow my life savings on something crazy like 802.11b.  You wouldn't want me doing that, now would you?

12/29/02 3:10 am

A wave of nostalgia hit me today at work.  Steve, my friend from elementary/middle/high school came in looking for Alice In Wonderland so he could get high and watch it with my other friend Mahesh from elementary/middle/high school.  Following shortly after was an appearance by the now infamous Crazy Legs (we call him that because his legs are fuckin' crazy, man) who has become nothing short of a living legend.  Crazy Legs wanted a memory card for PS2, and despite my internal fiery hatred for him, I offered to get him a discount on it, but now I can't really think of why I did.  I'm thinking about writing a book called "The Legend of Crazy Legs" which will essentially be a compilation of the many Crazy Legs short stories that I have in my head, but that will all be tied together by a central storyline.  I'm too tired now to further elaborate on these events or my upcoming novel, but perhaps some day I will explain in more detail.

12/28/02 2:53 pm

I was watching a program on TechTV today about the technology of running shoes, and during one of the commercial breaks, some old fat guy in glasses starts doing a bad Joe Pesci impression from Goodfellas.  It was upsetting me because it was such a horrible impression and one that has been copied so many times before.  It was initially unclear as to what this idiot could possibly be selling, but after a few more crappy mobster impressions, it became evident that he was trying to sell Fughetaboutit(tm), the new mafia trivia game made by some no-name company whose products can only be ordered over the phone by calling their special 800 number.  The game somewhat resembles Trivial Pursuit, except all the questions pertain to mafia-themed TV shows and movies.  I'm not sure how someone ever came up with such an idea, but I'd like to believe that I'm not the first to point out that they're wasting their time.  I'm not sure how a game like that could ever get funding, let alone sell more than three copies.  There's not one board game that's been invented in the last decade that I can think of that is a true classic, and Fughetaboutit(tm) surely isn't going to be the one title to break the trend.  So, in case you feel somewhat inclined to buy this product, do yourself a favor and get yourself Sorry! instead.

12/28/02 12:37 am

Something has happened today that goes beyond my wildest dreams.  It seems that one of you out there is using Windows NT 4.0, as opposed to XP or 2000.  I'd just like to say that I love you and you are my favorite viewer.  Don't ever change.  And if you have an NT 4 disc around, what you need to do is make a copy and send it to me so that I can run a super-awesome, old skool NT 4 server on my P200.  You should feel honored that you're using an operating system that is far superior to any other operating system in existence...except for the bootleg copy I have of Windows 97 (no, that's not a typo) that I got from Pakistan.

12/27/02 1:12 am

According to Frontpage, the world's foremost monopolistic WYSIWYG ("what-you-see-is-what-you-get"...n00b, you're supposed to know these acronyms already) html editor, it would take an individual 114 seconds to load this page if they were using a 28.8 kbps modem.  Would you wait this long for such a kickass blog?  Of course you would, but you don't have to because you have broadband.  You...do have broadband...right?  As a side note, Frontpage recognizes the word "Frontpage" as a misspelled word.