Jokes

A man walks into the woman's section of a
department store and tells the sales clerk
he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more
than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk
"The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the
difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy.
The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of
mole hills."

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."

A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a
train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to
sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice,
"I've got a better idea ...let's pretend we're married"
"Why not", says the eager man.
"Good", she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with
his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be
standing by the door listening to the boy play.

She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all
of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on
train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want
to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting
ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and
said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your
nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set
for two hours."

So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set
for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his
mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes,
and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He
nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by
door to listen to what her son would say.

The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who
want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and
gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And
all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is
two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

A man walked into a restaurant and seated
himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take
his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee. The
waitress promptly returned with a cup of
coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when
she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the
man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants
with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this
regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great, now I'm going to be up all night!"