The Game of Solitaire
By Nicki Knight
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Reno Nevada
Archivist of the Banzai Institute and fellows there of.
The problem with playing a game of solitaire while surrounded by genius is that it never remains solitary.
It always starts out simple enough with seven little cards:
King of Diamonds
7 of Spades
8 of Hearts
Jack of Spades
9 of Hearts
2 of Clubs
7 of Clubs
"Black seven, red eight." Perfect Tommy instantly leaps on my game.
"Yea, I see it." I answer, hoping he'll go away. I reach for the 7 of Spades.
"No! Not that one!" Perfect Tommy yells in my ear.
While I wince, New Jersey grabs a seat next to mine and looks over the hand. "Why not?"
"Well, duh! There's more cards under the Club than the Spades." Perfect Tommy responds in his less than elegant manner. "More options."
"Not really." Big Norse has to put in her say, leaving her computer work to join us. "Same number of cards in play which ever seven he takes."
"Come on!" Perfect Tommy taps the 7 of Clubs. "There are five more cards under the last seven than under the first." He looks at her with a frown. "Ain't you supposed to be a numbers whiz?"
"There are only seven cards up and in play, no matter which stack you take from." Norse protests.
"And..." New Jersey gets back in on the discussion, "sooner he works on the smaller stacks, sooner he can clear spaces for his kings."
"The king already has a place; it's the first card." Rawhide points out as he chews on his cigar.
"There's three more kings in the deck." Buckaroo Banzai joins in. "Gonna need a spot when they do show up."
Rawhide looks at him. "Gonna sacrifice a move for what will show up eventually?"
Buckaroo reaches out and snatches the cigar from his friend's teeth. "Sorta like taking time out to dig your gave before these things put you in the ground?" He shakes the offensive habit at Rawhide.
"Aces." Pinky Carruthers speaks up.
My game of solitaire now a good old fashion debate, all eyes turn to the gate Keeper.
"What about Aces?" New Jersey wonders.
Perfect Tommy groans. "Don't ask him to explain anything! I'm not THAT young!"
Pinky glares at him.
Norse, probably hoping to save us all from a sudden rush of violence that usually follows the kid opening his mouth, suddenly declares "Eleven! When the Aces come in play there will be a total of eleven cards up and in play!" She shakes her head. "How could I have forgotten the Aces?"
I sigh. Before anyone can come up with another interruption, I grab the first seven I see and flip it on the eight, revealing the ten of Hearts.
King of Diamonds
7 of Spades
8 of Hearts, 7 of Clubs
Jack of Spades
9 of Hearts
2 of Clubs
10 of Hearts
"Hey, you're headed for a straight." Perfect Tommy cheers.
"It's solitaire, Perfect Tommy. Not poker." Rawhide reminds him. Somehow another cigar from somewhere appeared between his teeth.
Buckaroo frowns at him.
"Red ten, black Jack." Jersey and Norse declares at the same time.
"Jinx, one of you owes the other a coke." Pinky advises. When the two look at him, he nods. "It's tradition. Goes back hundreds of years. When a pair say something at the same time..."
"Coke goes back hundreds of years?" Tommy challenges.
Again, Pinky glares. "The medium has changed over the years, but the basic practice has remained the same." he explains.
Big Norse looks at me. "Is medium the right word?"
I ignore her and move my ten.
King of Diamonds
7 of Spades
8 of Hearts, 7 of Clubs
Jack of Spades, 10 of Hearts
9 of Hearts
2 of Clubs
5 of Diamonds
"Too bad you don't have a black nine." Jersey observes.
"Too bad you all don't have something better to do." I mumble.
Buckaroo gives me that look.
I sigh and try to concentrate on my game.
"Well, there's no moves." Pinky announces in case I hadn't noticed.
"So..." Norse starts.
Perfect Tommy taps the deck and then they all sit back and wait for me to deal.
I look around at each of them. "Does any of you know the meaning of the word solitaire?"
They simply sit there, looking at me, waiting, anticipating...
I sigh.
Picking up the deck, I count out three cards and flip them over.
"Six of Clubs!" Perfect Tommy lets everyone know... as if anyone would of missed the all important flipping of the card.
"Twelve." Big Norse declares.
Everyone looks at her.
"Twelve cards up." Norse goes on. "The seven base cards, four aces, and, now, the top draw card."
"Ah"s and nods follow, noting the teams understanding.
Buckaroo looks at them with a proud look that could of noted the finding of a cure for cancer as much as for counting the cards in a game.
What can I say?
He's Buckaroo Banzai.
"We can't use a black six." Rawhide complains.
Again, Perfect Tommy taps the deck.
With yet another sigh, I count out three more cards.
"Five of..."
"I know what card is up, Perfect Tommy!" I cut him off.
He demonstrates how influential I am when the kid grins at me and says "Clubs."
"Can't use that either." Rawhide mumbles, chewing on that unlit cigar.
Buckaroo snatches at it, but Rawhide leans out of reach.
Perfect Tommy goes as if to tap on the deck, but I pick it up. "Honestly, guys. Thanks for the help, but I can handle it."
"What's the next card?" Pinky wants to know.
Growling certain words I rather not put in print for those too young to read, I count out three more cards and flip them over.
"Eight of Clubs."
Like I have to tell my readers who said that.
"A black eight..." Buckaroo nods his approval.
"On the red nine." Rawhide agrees in the same tone he uses when agreeing to a strategy of attack.
Since I, apparently, wasn't moving fast enough for her liking, Norse moves the card.
The next card on the draw is...
"Nine of Clubs!" Perfect Tommy smacks the table. "On the ten of hearts!"
Norse moves the required card, revealing the King of Hearts.
"Hey." Rawhide comes to his feet and steps over to the table. "Now, we have a game."
Rawhide sounding impressed?
So, that explains why I'm taking the time to write down this whole lunatic episode.
Anyway...
King of Diamonds
7 of Spades
8 of Hearts, 7 of Clubs
Jack of Spades, 10 of Hearts, 9 of Clubs
9 of Hearts, 8 of Clubs
2 of Clubs
5 of Diamonds
"Now," Jersey speaks up, "don't you wish you had started out moving the seven of Spades rather than the seven of Clubs?"
"Oh, don't start that again." Perfect Tommy wines.
I lean back in my chair and let them know "If you need me, I'll be right here... WATCHING YOU PLAY MY GAME OF.... HELLO... SOLITAIRE!"
They look at me.
"Gee, whiz." Big Norse mumbles, frowning at me. "It's just a game of cards, Reno." She rose up and moved back to her computer simulation that she had been working on before I started dealing.
"Oh, man... and the Latin temper reveals itself." Perfect Tommy whistles and he too backs off.
New Jersey looks at me a little shock like and asks "Want a sedative?"
Buckaroo gives me another one of those looks and Pinky shakes his head.
Rawhide chews a little harder on his cigar.
With a last sigh, I resign myself to my fate, count out three more cards, flip them over, and asks in mono tone "Gee. Oh my. What ever will I do with the... " pauses for effect, "... four of Clubs?"
Instantly, the table is full again and the Cavaliers are playing my game.
And, ladies and gentlemen, that is the problem with playing solitaire surrounded by genius.
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