A Sense of Horror
By Regalo3000
Most people don't really look at the world, said the Old Indian, they're merely passengers in a car, staring but not seeing, a glass window between them and the world, blocking out the sound and the smells.
What does that mean? asked Slow Motion, hoping there were a deep meaning he could hang on to. Perhaps he had found his own personal American Indian Guru, so to speak.
Hell if I know, said the Old Man, I read it in a book somewhere. Been trying to figure it out myself ever since. Hold it higher. Yes, right there.
So, you're Slow Motion, said the Old Man, and you want to learn the ways of wisdom?
Yes.
Don't drop the damn thing, it'll land on my foot! Do you want to tend to an old man with a broken foot, carry me to the bathroom whenever I need to take a whizz?
No.
Then hold the damn thing steady! The old Indian paused. I liked CasaBlanca, did you?
The movie?
No, the stageplay it was based on! Of course the movie, you idiot! A little to the left! I liked the fact that Rick sacrificed his own love for the woman he loved, even if it meant that she was going off with a guy he hated.
Rick didn't hate the man.
Sure he did. I certainly would have, out of simple human jealousy, not because he was a bad man, but because he'd taken my bed warmer!
That's horrible! You can't call a woman a bed warmer!
Why not?
It's sexist!
So, I'm a sexist! A little to the right!
But you said left!
Shut up! Now I'm saying right! I know what I want! Do you?
Do I what?
Know what you want?
In regards to what?
Life!
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't!
That's why you'll never find and keep a good bed warmer! They like confidence in a man!
Stop calling them that!
Let me tell you something, a man can be bald, and fat, and ugly, and a woman will love the heck out of him, as long as he knows what he wants!
Is that true? It can't be true!
Look at you! You're tall and dark and handsome, and women flee from you like rats from a fire! You're ugly on the inside! You're useless because you don't know what you want! The bed warmers will never --
-- That's it! I'm gonna kick your little ass, you foolish old fart! Stop calling women bed warmers!
Oh, you wanna fight? I'll fight you! I'll kick your butt so bad you'll be seeing out of your butthole come morning!
What am I doing? What am I doing here? You're crazy! And I'm stupid for being here! Why am I here? You're making me angry! Choose where you're gonna hang this stupid picture and choose NOW, or I'm gonna break this stupid picture over your stupid little head!
How dare you insult my girlie centerfold! That's my girlfriend you're talking about! I'm too old and ugly to attract a real woman, so I have to settle for this girlie! Apologize to her right now!
Slow Motion started to laugh and he couldn't stop laughing. The old man smiled. He waited until Slow Motion was done.
A good introduction, said the old man. I like you. You have a sense of humor. My last student was so serious I had to go into the mountains to be alone and weep my eyes out.
What happened to him?
I killed him. He refused to laugh and I finally killed him. But they'll never find the body. I hid it so well.
Slow Motion laughed again.
Shut up! This is not funny! I killed a man and you're laughing? Be silent! He had the most serious face you could ever imagine. He never cracked a smile the whole time I knew him. I can only describe him as a monster. The monster without teeth. Shut up! This is not funny! You laugh too much! This is serious! So ... one day ... I came in and he was sitting there, waiting for words of wisdom, and I knew he'd be better off in a monastary in Tibet or something, but something had brought him to me. He had the patience of a bull, that's the only way I can describe it. So ... Monster Without Teeth is sitting there, and I have a bologna sandwich in my hands, and I say ... Death is like a bologna sandwich, and he'd say why? And I said because the earth is round and the slice of bologna is round. And he'd nod and say what wisdom is behind this saying? And I'd say, I'm going to kill you. And he said why? And I said because you have no teeth. I want to see your teeth! And I tried to force his mouth open. But he refused to budge. So I shoved the sandwich in his mouth and forced him to eat it. And he choked on it. And he died. And I buried him.
Is this true? Slow Motion was beginning to get nervous. Why did you do it?
He's buried under this floor. Right underneath the spot where your sitting. The old man got up and walked out of the house. He returned with a crow bar. He threw it on the floor. Go on. Dig him up. Report me to the police. Then he was gone again. I want to be caught and tried, Slow Motion could hear him saying. Then the old man was weeping.
Slow Motion looked at the floor. He picked up the crow bar. He looked at the floor. He knelt and rapped on the floor with his hand. It took a long time but curiosity got the better of him. The old man was still weeping outside.
Slow Motion pulled out the first wooden board. Then the second. The old man's weeping was getting louder. There was some kind of cloth, Slow Motion could tell. Then a smell like he'd never smelled before, rotten, putrid. He pulled the boards off more quickly. Don't you be going anywhere you crazy old Indian, you're in big trouble!
He grabbed at the cloth and ripped at it, making a tear. There was human flesh underneath it. Oh my gosh. He ripped at the cloth that covered the face. The old man was staring back at him. Boo!!!!!!!!!
Slow Motion screamed and fell backwards! The old man laughed! You sonofa --
-- Gotcha! He was laughing some more.
Slow Motion went to grab the old man but the old man slid easily out of his enclosure and was gone. I'll see you again after you've cooled off, said the old Indian.
Slow Motion ran out to the porch. There he saw the tape recorder and heard the old man weeping on its recording. He smashed the recorder on the porch, breaking it into pieces.
The old man's laughter echoed in the distance. You're just way too serious. Come back when you get a sense of humor.
