By Regalo3000
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Welcome, welcome to the show. The audience applauded and shouted when they saw the guest host, looked very surprised and delighted. Yes, it's me, filling in for Bill. Give a big welcome to Buckaroo Banzai! yelled the television show's host. The audience applauded and cheered as Buckaroo walked onto the set, waving, oozing with charm. In the wings Rawhide and Reno were applauding as well.
He's a natural, said Rawhide.
You said it, said Reno.
When the applause died down, Banzai was seated next to the host. Where's Bill? he asked.
Bill became ill at the last minute, but don't you worry. You're in good hands with Uncle Simon.
Reno said, Dammit, I thought he looked familiar!
What is it? asked Rawhide.
This guy's a monster! They pulled a switcheroo on us!
Well, it's too late now, Reno.
Uncle Simon asks you, What scares Buckaroo Banzai? The audience chuckled.
What scares me? Buckaroo knew he'd have to see this out to the end. He'd been tricked but he was now committed. Evil, he said. Evil scares me. The kind of evil that would take advantage of those who cannot defend themselves.
We already know all of that, said Uncle Simon. It's in all the literature you produce. What Uncle Simon wants to know is, what really scares Buckaroo Banzai? Bats, rats, spiders, heights, open spaces, closed spaces?
Buckaroo was silent.
C'mon, surely Buckaroo Banzai is not afraid is a little weakness being made public?
You don't understand, said Buckaroo. My enemies would use the information against me. You don't know what you're asking of me.
Squirm, you self-righteous little worm, thought Uncle Simon. Squirm.
Buckaroo went on: I'd be putting my life in danger. Yes, I'm human, I have weaknesses just like everybody else, but what keeps me alive is that my enemies never learn of them, what they DON'T KNOW about me. Isn't that enough of an explanation?
You don't know what you're in for, thought Uncle Simon, you pretentious little man, you're in the presence of Evil Uncle Simon!!
Suddenly, circus-like music was struck up and a table was wheeled onto the stage, on it were five pink boxes. The table was accompanied by Miss Sexy, Uncle Simon's female sidekick. Applause rose up at the sight of her. She was scantily dressed and waved her arms in the direction of the boxes, as if she were presenting a brand new car at an automobile show.
Is Buckaroo Banzai afraid of being seen as anything less than a hero? asked Uncle Simon.
I have to do battle at times with men so evil, they'd just as soon draw and quarter you as go swimming. They would exploit my weaknesses.
You're a chicken! said Uncle Simon. Cluck Cluck Cluck! I dare you, Banzai, to open these five boxes!
This is absurd.
There are millions of children out there watching. You don't want to disappoint them now, do you?
The audience started chanting OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN.
Hanoi Xan might be watching, thought Buckaroo, hoping to learn something, some way of exploiting Banzai's weaknesses.
OPEN OPEN OPEN.
Chicken! Chicken! Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!
CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
Buckaroo rose to his feet. I'll open a box, if you open one first, he said.
Uncle Slimon smiled, Oh, no, I must confess right here and now that I am a confirmed coward! I am indeed a chicken!
The audience laughed.
I'm no hero like the great Buckaroo Banzai. Go on, open the boxes, what do you have to lose, it's only your reputation as a fearless man. In fact, for every box you open a donation of one hundred thousand dollars will be made to your favorite charity.
The audience went crazy, shouting and stomping its feet.
You know what I really find scary? said Buckaroo. Lowlifes like you.
He opened the first box which exploded with feathers and confetti which then rained down on Buckaroo.
I don't like this, said Rawhide.
Me neither, replied Reno. Let's go find the director.
Together they made their way to the main booth, where a stage manager approached them. Hold on a second there, you're not allowed in the main booth during the taping of the program.
Like hell we're not, said Rawhide looming over the short man, Buckaroo could be in great danger.
He's not in any danger, I assure you.
Your assurances mean nothing to us, said Reno, now get out of our way before we shove that clipboard where the sun don't shine.
Brave words from men who are cartoon heroes to millions of kids.
Rawhide and Reno pushed their way past the man and into the main booth. The director recognized them. Two shot on camera two, now, he said. Ah, Rawhide and Reno, nice seeing you again. You're just in time to see Buckaroo Banzai publicly humiliated in front of millions of television viewers.
Why are you doing this? asked Reno.
Because we can, was the director's answer. Gimme a close up on camera one, now!
Buckaroo opened the second box which began to ooze and overflow with what looked like shaving cream. Miss Sexy came over and tasted the cream-like goo, then gave her famous thumbs up sign of approval. The audience cheered.
The third box boasted a jack in the box Santa Claus. Merry Christmas was shouted by everyone.
The fourth box ejected a sign that swung back and forth that read "Eat at Joe's". Then it was time for the very last box. A hush came over the audience.
Buckaroo placed his hands on the box and tapped on it with his hand. Something rattled inside. Rattlesnake, he said.
OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN, began the chant, rising higher and higher until the entire studio was vibrating with it.
Don't do it, boss, said Reno. It's not worth it.
The director grinned, He doesn't do it, he loses a lot of fans.
OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN.
He opened the box, the rattler made a try for him, he reached out and grabbed the rattler by its head. In a matter of a few second he had both ends of the rattler firmly in his grasp. The audience went berserk. It was only when the noise died down that Buckaroo spoke: I suppose you think this is funny? I suppose you think this is entertainment? Is there nothing better you people would rather be doing than wasting the precious little time alloted to us in life?
Thank you, Buckaroo Banzai! interrupted Uncle Simon. Hero to men and women and children everywhere! Just name the charity, Buckaroo. One hundred thousand for each box you opened!
I only have one, said Buckaroo. The Put and End to This Stupid Nonsense Foundation, of which you are its head clown. He placed the rattler back in the box and quickly replaced the cover. Then he left the stage.
Some people have no sense of humor, said Uncle Simon. The audience began chanting SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON.
Buckaroo caught up with Reno and Rawhide. Remind me to kick myself in the ass for agreeing to do this show, he said.
Will do, boss, said Reno. He and Rawhide smiled at eachother.
Buckaroo was in no mood to smile. Being driven back to the Institute he noticed that Halloween trappings were beginning to appear here and there.
I've seen the real monsters, he thought. And we are they.
It was one of the few times Buckaroo momentarily lost hope in the human race, and although he would later regain it, it had been one of the most horrible things of all.
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... Happy Halloween ... he he he he he he
