Mega-Magazine
BY Regalo3000
It had taken the pod millions of years to finally reach the large red ship, but its quest had finally come to an end.
A.J. Rimmer, the ship's Hologram, once human -- now deceased, was there to greet the pod which stood in a decontamination chamber for a while. The Cat came striding by. Millions of years of evolution had not changed his curious behavior one bit.
Woooeeeee, looks like we got mail, said the Cat. Who's it for?
One of the dead crew members, said Rimmer. A Mr. Bad Influence. Bad Influence? This has to be a joke.
I don't remember anyone called Bad Influence, but, then that was before my time, said the Cat. How do I look? He twirled around as if doing a dance for the Hologram. I'll answer that. I look marvelous!!!
Please, said Rimmer with a note of disgust, take your egotistical self elsewhere. While you're busy grooming yourself and Lister is off biting the toe-nails off his feet, I'm busy doing things that really matter on this ship, which makes me the most viable crew member.
You take your job much too seriously, said the Cat. You should try cat-napping every now and then, it's good for you.
No thanks, said Rimmer, it just might become a habit. It might do terrible things to me as well. Like turn me into someone as vain as you.
I'd worry about that, indeed I would, if there were something about you that you could be vain about, said the Cat, but from where I'm standing, buddy, I can't see a thing!!
Be off with you, said Rimmer, and the Cat danced away.
You total git, said Rimmer behind the Cat's back.
Ah, excellent, said Lister, the last human alive. It's arrived!!!
This package belongs to you? said Rimmer.
Yeah, Bad Influence was my Internet Name, and now it's finally come.
What is it?
It's my Super-Duper Mega-Magazine of Fan Fiction. I wrote a story that was actually printed.
You wrote a story, smirked Rimmer. I'll bet it featured frolicking half-naked women on a beach, motorcycles, and plenty of beer.
No, actually, it was a Buckaroo Banzai story.
You? Write for Buckaroo? What a laugh. Uhh. What exactly is Buckaroo?
Is it decontaminated yet?
Oh, yes, it is.
Well, let's get it out and I'll show you.
_______
Here's my story. I'm the contest winner. Buckaroo Banzai and the Curse of the Curry Sandwich.
You were a contest winner? said Rimmer. I don't believe it. Let me see that. Lister showed him the article. I still say you're not this Bad Influence. You have a brain the size of a pea and there's no way you could have written this Buckaroo Banzai and the Curse of the Curry Sandwich.
I'll read it to you, said Lister. And you'll see it's all written in my style.
Lister, you have no style, but, read it if you must, but, remember, I will never believe you, David Lister, wrote that contest-winning story.
Kryten will believe I wrote it, I'll read it to him. Lister left the room.
_______
By the time Rimmer arrived at Kryten's quarters there was laughter inside.
Oh, Mr. Lister, sir, that was indeed one of the most cleverest stories I've ever read. He laughed some more. And the part about the sandwich, why, I'm still in stitches! He laughed some more.
How about the part that dealt with the panties? asked Lister.
OH, don't remind me, said the square-headed robot, laughing some more.
When do I get to hear this classic? asked Rimmer.
Never, said Lister. Look out that portal.
Rimmer looked out through the small round portal and saw a pod heading out into space. Lister, what have you done?
Do you really think I could afford a mega-magazine? I joined a Mega-Mag-Pool, we share and share alike. It's gone off to the next person.
Are you insane? screamed Rimmer. There is no next person! You're the last one!
My gosh, you're right, said Lister. My mistake.
I would at least love to have listened to the other stories in the collection.
You wouldn't have liked the other stories, said Lister.
Why not?
They were all about frolicking naked ladies on beaches, motorcycles, and endless amounts of beer.
Laughter echoed in the corridors of Red Dwarf.
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