A Pirate’s Tale:

Chapter I :
Rofl My Waffle

Out on the horizon, far from any land there was a quiet, eerie peace on the SS Sabrina. I had no idea what time it was, but after staying up all night and sleeping all day for the past week, I had become accustomed to the movements of the sun and guessed it was just past four in the morning, as the sun began to show its fiery torment. For months the sun had tortured my face, neck, and shoulders; it just got to be too much for me and I slept during the day now. Although this didn't please my captain much, he allowed me to do so. Now I spent my nights cleaning the decks and peeling potatoes in the galley while the crew slept. It got pretty boring on this ship, until I met her...

Now the SS Sabrina was no ordinary ship, it was a medium sized Galleon. It didn't stand out much, except of course, for our black sails. Aye, we were on a pirate ship, and I was a pirate. On this ship I was just one of the crew, nothing special, I cleaned the decks and slaved in the galley, my childhood thoughts of swashbuckling and looting merchant ships hadn't come true... at least not yet. That's what I kept telling myself at every port to stave my thoughts of escape.

The captain of this ship was a very peculiar Korean man, by the name of Ian. Well, he said he was Korean, but he looked pretty western to me. Speaking against the captain would result in the most horrific punishment on the seven seas though... a munging from the captains first mate, Shinta. If you don't know what a munging is, consider yourself very lucky. Shinta was a strange man, always wore women's clothes and encouraged the crew to kiss and dance a lot, but knowing the punishments he issued out, we never spoke out about his queer ways. The crew was quite creepy because of Shinta's actions. A few times during my day time sleeps I'd awake to find myself victim to a tea bagging. Like the munging, you don't want to know what this means. My friends in the crew were pirates by the name of Kyle, Masanori and Paul. We got by on the ship, peeling potatoes in the Galley and swabbing the decks, dreaming of a real pirate battle, all the while avoiding the fruity crew members of the ship.

Looking at the sun rise, it didn't bring me feelings of paranoia and fear... it gave me something I hadn't felt in a long time... hope... I knew today was going to be a turning point in this journey. There was just a different aura in the air today, something I couldn't explain in mere words, either that or those burritos I'd eaten were bad. I heard some noises behind me and turned around, it was Paul.
“Yo Marklar, 'sup?” He said in a half asleep voice.
“Just dreading the day ahead... hope they let me sleep through it again. What's up with you?” I replied.
“Well, I was gonna keep this for another time, but might as well show you now,” he said, pulling a little box from his pocket. “Got this in the last port we went to, want some acid?”
“Acid? Gimme some, maybe it'll cheer me up.”
He opened the box up, and passed a tab of the acid to me. I watched him put the tab in his mouth, and mimicked him, not wanting to tell him I hadn't tried it before, didn't want to appear to be a wuss.
“Don't chew it asshat, don't you know how to take it?!” Exclaimed Paul.
“Well no, its my first time.” I said timidly.
“Oh.. Em.. Gee, dude, why didn't you tell me? That's too much for a first time!”
I started to sweat, what the hell had I done? I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate but after a few minutes bright patterns emerged out of the dark.
“What the... Paul, what should I do!?” I nervously shouted.
“Just wait it out man, try to stay calm,” said Paul, laughing at me.
I looked out at the crimson horizon, trying to calm down, but all I could see was badgers doing jumping jacks. How did they float on the water? How!? Then I realized I was just hallucinating, but it looked so real. I thought about what Paul said and just sat back, closed my eyes and decided I was going to enjoy this. I rolled onto my side, chanting 'Badger Badger Badger...' over and over, staring into the horizon. Paul got up and left, laughing his ass off while doing so.

A few hours passed by, most people on the ship were still asleep, but I could hear Paul laughing and shouting something about prinnies at the other side of the deck. All the while I saw visions of many things: a fat kid dancing like a maniac, Bill Cosby nodding his head in a gangster fashion; it was like something out of a bad flash animation, but damn it was fun. Around six the tune started... that hell born song... Bananaphone. For an hour straight, I constantly heard the chanting words 'Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... Bananaphone!' It would have most likely driven me to jump into Pacific and find sanctuary in a watery grave, but the nodding Bill Cosby and the fat kid made it quite enjoyable. Also, I saw a man floating on the water getting pleasured sexually by a weird looking dolphin, this was strange, but, very entertaining. The man saw me peering on and got up, leaving the dolphin to swim off into the water and walked along the water to the ship and jumped up, facing me. This naked man gave me a weird look and introduced himself.
“Hi, I'm Blues.” He said.
“Um... Hi! I'm levvy, what's happenin' Blues?”
“Not much, just fuggling the sea creatures as usual” He said, sitting down. “What you doing?”
“Just trippin' out, talking to imaginary people.”
“True.” Said Blues, as he began to look into my eyes. “Say, can you help me with something?”
“What's up?”
“You see, my floppy drive has been acting weird, I think I need a hard drive.” said the naked man, winking at me.
“Get away you perverted freak, stay away from my port!” I shouted, kicking the vision off the boat.
“Ah well, it was worth a try.” Said Blues, swimming off.
I shuddered at that, I'm not gay, seriously, I'm not, I just likes Johnny Depp is all! Damn you!
Brushing off the image of Blues, I decided to take a short walk around the ship. As I passed the crews quarters door, a weird, white, fluffy man popped out the door, he looked very familiar.
“Bah!” Said the mysterious man.
I thought for a second and studied his face.
“Masanori..?” I asked.
“Baaahh” He replied.
“What the hell happened Jakey? Your looking a little weird this morning, in fact, you look like a sheep!”
“Bah.”
Then I remembered the acid, so I prodded Jacob a little to hear him grunt and make funny noises, but I stopped after he bit me, bitch broke the skin even. I kicked him in the crotch and he ran off to the front of the ship.
“Weird...” I muttered to myself.
I remembered I had to finish preparing the crew's breakfast before my job was finished, so I skipped off to the galley to the tune of Bananaphone.

I crashed through the galley door and commando rolled into a crate of apples. Why did I do that? Any ways, I picked myself up and walked towards the counter and mixed up the slimy gruel I had cooking for the crew. I also decided to chop up a few apples for the day time crew to use for the Captain's apple pie, but all the ones in the crate had turned rotten. I opened up the pantry doors and looked up and down for a few apples, but something else caught my eye... a bag of waffle mix. It just sat there, waiting for me, I knew it wanted me to make waffles out of it, I couldn't resist, even though this was reserved for the high ranking officers of the ship. No one would find out this early.

I checked to make sure there were no crew members lurking about and then pulled out the waffle mix and filled a jug with water. I also took out the waffle machine we got from a loony old coot a few ports back by the name of Kyuu. He told me it was no ordinary culinary tool, and on certain times, during the right planetary alignments, the waffle machine had very special powers. He also rambled something about a hero being born or some crap, but I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was too busy shooting him in the face and fleeing with the machine. I mixed the batter up, and poured it onto the machine, turning it on. While it cooked I fetched some butter and maple syrup to accompany it. When I returned, the machine was glowing a spooky red color.
“What the fudge?” I shouted, opening the machine and pulling the waffle out. Realizing what a noise I made, I quickly hid the machine and any evidence of what I had done before someone came to investigate. I hid the waffle in a drawer and put the syrup and butter away, turning around to see a rather large man staring at me from the galley's doorway.
“Oh hey Wildstar” I said to the concerned looking man. Wildstar was a pretty fierce man, he was one of Ian's advisors and demanded respect. When he got mad, bones got broken.
“What was the noise about levvy?” He asked
“Oh, that, I just... errr, a rat...” Was all I could stutter out. I braced myself knowing some kind of insult was gonna come, I mean, what kinda pirate squeals at the sight of a rat? Wildstar looked at me in a piercing glare.
“A rat eh? You sure about that levvy?”
“Yes definitely, a rat, caught me off gua...” Before I could finish Wildstar interrupted.
“ARGH A RAT!!!” He shouted, trying to run out the door but tripping on his own feet, he got up and ran off like a little girl. I hadn't expected that to happen. I made a quick look around to make sure no-one was in the Galley then walked up to the door and locked it. Then I went over to the drawer with the waffle in it, and opened it.
“HIIIIIIIIIIIII!” Shouted something in a high pitched voice, I looked around but there was no-one there.
“What the hell, who's there? Wildstar?” I asked the emptiness that enveloped me. “Who said that?” Then I looked down at the drawer.
“HEY! ASL?” Shouted a voice, which appeared to be coming from the waffle. The waffle was now engulfed in a strange red aura. Kyuu was right about that machine, or maybe he wasn't, maybe its the acid messing around with me again.
“Did you just speak? Waffle?” I asked the waffle, feeling pretty stupid.
“ASL? JAJAJAJA” It shouted at me.
“What the hell are you?”
“ASL!!!!!!!11” It still replied.
“What does ‘ASL’ mean?”
“Age sxe locatoin lol”
“Ummm, ok” I just decided to go along with it, “17, Male, SS Sabrina”
“Do u hav a pic?” It asked.
“Do you have eyes? I'm right here ya dumb waffle”
I was amazed, and grossed out, to see two eyeballs emerge from two of the little waffle cavities.
“omg j00r hot!!!1 lolz” It exclaimed
“Urm, thanks, that means a lot from you” I lied
“Wana cyb3r?” It asked me.
“I’m a simple pirate, Ms. Waffle, what does ‘cyb3r’ mean?”
“LOLZ!!1 u knw, liek cyber sex, kekeke” It said to me giggling.
“Jesus what is it with these damn hallucinations, always with the sex, what about my needs huh?” I shouted at the waffle.
“Sry ;-;”
I stood there wondering what the hell these images were all about, did they mean something, or were they just simple day dreams from the drugs? I also wondered how you say ‘;-;’ in real life. Also, was this waffle real? What if Kyuu's prophecy was right, was this waffle some kind of hero' This stupid spongy thing is a hero?! I needed to find out if it was real, I picked it up and threw it into a box, threatening the waffle if it spoke I would eat it, then left the galley with the box under my arm.

I needed proof about this waffle, was it real? I thought the best way would be to ask another person if they saw what I see, the only person that came to mind was Paul, so I ran off to find him. After 20 minutes looking for him he was nowhere to be found, and I was too high to ask the crew. They’d see I was on something, and then I’d get munged by Shinta. I walked back to the middle of the ship and sat there wondering where he was, then I heard someone shouting “Yatta!” from above. I looked up and got a big white blob of bird s**t in my face, so I washed it off and looked again and saw Paul dancing around in the crow’s nest.
I shakily climbed the rope ladder up to talk to him, almost falling doing so.
“Marklar! How’s it going?” He shouted, hugging me.
“Um, good, well, its been a bit weird...”
“Tell me about it, I saw these Asian guys running up and down the ship with leaves covering they're crotches!”
“That's nice Paul... but I need your help... look at this.” I said pulling out the box.
“What? A Box?”
“Open it up”
He opened it up, gave it a long hard stare, then, looked at me.
“Wow... I can’t believe this levvy” He said to me dumbstruck.
“I know, I thought I was just tripping, but you see it too, so it must be real”
“Yup its real, got any maple syrup?” He asked
“What, you cant eat it! It’s alive!” I shouted
“Dude, its a waffle” I snatched the box and looked at the waffle, he was right, it was just a waffle.
“What the hell, it was talking to me earlier!” I shouted, lifting it up
“Yeah, sure levvy...” Paul said rolling his eyes.
I shook the waffle about, why was it back to looking like a normal waffle now? Where was its face? Was it all a hallucination? I decided I might as well eat it then, I was getting quite hungry any ways, just as I went to bite I looked down and saw it’s stupid face looking at me again.
“What the hell, Paul, it’s back!' I shouted.
“Sure it is” said Paul, continuing his dance. I pushed it in his face to show him the face. “Jesus! It does have a face!” shouted Paul.
“I must have had placed it in the box face down or something. If you can see this, it means its real. Paul, you remember that old guy Kyuu who we got the waffle machine from?”
“Yeah, I look up to Kyuu, well I did, until he died.”
“Remember his prophecy and his stories about the machine?”
“Yeah, vaguely.”
“Well, earlier when I made this waffle, it was glowing red and you can see the waffle has the glow too... It must have something to do with what he said, I cooked it the same way with all the ones I did before!”
“What else did Kyuu say about it?”
“He said that the machine would give birth to a hero for the world.” I said. Paul looked at me seriously... then burst out laughing.
“A Hero!” This stupid thing' What can it do? Squirt syrup in your eyes?”
“How should I know? Ask it!”
“Yeah right, ok then” Paul took the waffle from my hands, “Hey waffle, are you a hero?” Paul awaited a reply.
“...levvy, its not saying anything...”
“ASL?” exclaimed the waffle.
“Jesus, it can speak, this thing is weird”
“I know, what should we do with it? We can't tell the crew because they'll know I used the waffle mix for myself, and they might find out about the acid.”
“Yeah, definitely don't want a munging any ways,” muttered Paul.
“Hey Waffle, what do you know about some prophecy?” I asked the waffle as a last resort.
“Iunno, u gt MSN?” It replied.
“Dude, this is gonna go nowhere... maybe we should ask someone else.” Paul said
“But who? We need someone who would actually know about this sort of crap and won't rat on us.”
“How about Masanori? I've seen him reading books on mysterious stuff like this.”
“Worth a shot, lets try him.” I agreed, as we put the waffle back in the container and climbed down from the crow's nest to find Masanori.

I realized as we climbed down from the crow's nest, carrying a retarded waffle shouting abbreviations, that we were on a real quest. My dreams had come true at last, the adventure that I longed for. It was a shame however that the stupid thing p****d me off so much that I ate it to shut it up. Me and Paul shrugged off the loss, which wasn't really a loss any ways, solved the whole problem, and decided to get something quick to eat before I went to sleep. We had a quick, delicious meal of gruel served with the side of water that was orgasmical. Well, really it was vomit inducing. After that I headed back to the crew's quarters to get some sleep, it had been a very busy morning. I worked my way through the ocean of hammocks holding the crew, that waved and rocked as I swam through to find my own. The quarters were very hot and stuffy this morning, so I pulled off my shirt to try and cool down a bit. Then I saw it. My left nipple was... glowing red!!! It was just like that machine and the waffle, what the hell, was it because I ate it? I threw my shirt back on and ran out to try and find Paul, I ran through the door and saw the last person I wanted to see right then.
“Hello levvy, good to see your still energetic and able,” the man stated to me.
“Uh.. Yes Sir! Captain Ian! Your commands sir?!” I asked the Captain.
“Go check the grapples, we're going to board another ship, I'm going to wake the rest of the crew.” Ordered Captain Ian. I saluted him as he brushed past me into the crews quarters.
“Boarding? Why now of all times?”
I ran off to check the grappling hooks we would use to swing onto the ship, making sure they were all sturdy and the ropes tight, and laid them down for the invading party to use. I looked out to try and find the ship we would be attacking, and saw out on the horizon a small sloop with pink sails! They had the jolly roger as their flag; it was another pirate ship. Just then Paul bumped into me from behind.
“Hey Paul, I've got another problem...” I whispered to him.
“What now, a talking banana?”
“No, look at this.” I lifted my shirt to show Paul my nipple.
“Wow!” Exclaimed Paul and he moved in to get a closer look at my glowing nipple. Two other members of the crew walked past us, but, when you're with crew that was as gay as ours, staring at a mans nipple did not arouse suspicion, thankfully.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“Well, your nipples glowing red.”
“I know that! What do you think it means? Think that waffle had something to do with it?”
“Seems that way” Said Paul lifting his head up, “You think it did have some kind of power, and somehow, you have it now?”
“I don't feel any different” I replied. “Crap the crew is coming, tell no-one about this ok?!” I said pulling my shirt back down.
“Of course.”
About fifty men came up behind us, the guys that would be boarding the other ship, but why would we be attacking a fellow pirate ship? We never attacked pirates before.
“Hey you two! Yeah you guys!” Shouted the man at the front of the group.
“Us, Shinta?!” Replied me and Paul.
“Yeah you two. Two guys were found dead in their sleep this morning, you're replacing them. Go get your weapons and meet back here within 5 minutes!”
“Yes Sir!” We barked back, and ran off to get our weapons. Today was getting worse and worse. We got our weapons and ran back to the group, Kyle, a fellow pirate, and Masanori were there too so we stood beside them. Shinta walked up to the front of the group.
“Ok you scurvy maggots, the captain has issued us a mission of utmost importance. I shall be commanding you bunch of sea dogs, I trust no-one has a problem with this, aye?”
No-one replied.
“Good. Now I'm sure you've all seen the ship with the pink sails, that's what we are going to board. Anyone have a problem?” He asked the group.
“Sir! Isn't that a fellow pirate ship?!” Shouted one of the crew, it was Setzu, an old friend of mine. Shinta grabbed Setzu by his ears.
“You dare speak out against mine and the Captain's word?! One more remark like that and you'll be punished, savvy?”
We all knew what he meant, and I think we all got the same sickening feeling from thinking about the 'mung'.
“Now prepare yourselves, maggots, we're approaching the ship faster than expected. Prepare to Board!” We all grabbed a grappling hook and readied ourselves.

Ten minutes later we were facing the side of this peculiar ship, I read it's name on the side, ‘The Butch Lady’, what a weird name. We threw our hooks to catch onto the other ship and swung over. Upon landing I pulled out my Cutlass and my pistol, but, there was no-one there!
'Drop those weapons boy' Shouted a voice behind me. Was it the enemy? Was this an ambush? I turned around and saw it was Shinta!
“Drop them! That's an order.”
I holstered my pistol and sheathed my sword.
“Sir where is the enemy?” I asked.
“Who said anything about an enemy/ This is a friendly visit!”
I had no idea what we were doing on this weird ship, were we going to trade, but there was too many of us to trade, and we were equipped as an attack party. But this ship was empty and Shinta said we had no enemies here. I also saw our ship, the SS Sabrina, and it's crew retrieving the hooks and sailing away from us. What was going on'
“Captain, they are here!” Shouted a female voice from behind.
I turned around and saw a cute girl shouting down the ship. She walked up to Shinta and whispered a few words. Then another female, an older female, but just as pretty, walked through a door out to the deck.
“Welcome to ‘The Butch Lady’. We thank you, Shinta, for helping us in this time of need. My name is Avi-Chan, or the Red Lady as my enemies know me as. I am the Captain of this sloop. Down there is my first mate, Miss Eatty. You may be confused about why you are here. Eatty, if you could explain for them?' She asked the first mate.
“Yes Ma’am, you are all here to help stage one of the biggest challenges we pirates have ever encountered. You may notice our numbers are low, there are only 19 of us left. You are here to compensate our losses. Our losses are from fighting with Emperor GTO's Navy. Recently their activity has increased dramatically, and more and more pirate ships have been attacked and captured by this fascist empire. We will stand against this, we may not be lawful sailors, nor totally trustworthy, but we have one thing that the Emperor will never have... Honor. Many more ships will band together with us, including your ship the SS Sabrina. We will begin our counter by attacking one of the Emperor's key ports, Rhogan, on the Imperial continent in two months time. You shall be shown to your quarters soon, please take the day to rest and if anyone has any questions please ask me or any of the women on the ship. Thank you.”
Our group muttered to themselves after hearing this, a covenant of pirate ships fighting against some oppressive Emperor to our pirate ways. Was this what had I longed for? Adventure at last? Also, would I ever find out the secret of the waffle and it's powers?
Maybe I'd get answers in Rhogan. I would just have to wait and see. I looked off into the horizon, the sun beating down on me, my eyes heavy with fatigue. It was all too much to think about at this time, time would reveal my problems.